My very recent ex is sending me mixed messages?! What do I do?

[Jules6186]

My ex and a broke up three days ago. He told me then he wasn't 100% sure it was the right decision but he's been suffering from some depression and anxiety and it's causing him to not treat me as well as I deserved to be treated. Not as well as I treated him. He's right and I agree actually. Still, we have always had an amazing connection and he has told me many times he's never known a girl he could talk to the way he can talk to me. Oddly enough, it didn't hit me as hard as I thought it would. Sure, I was pretty bummed but I couldn't even cry. I wanted to, thought it would be therapeutic, but I couldn't even force myself. I've been sad but mostly ok. Less than 48 hours later, he's already texted me "How are you?" I waited 5 hours to respond mostly bc I didn't know how to answer. Do I tell him how surprisingly good I'm actually doing? Or no? I eventually responded with "I'm pretty good. You?" He got back right away with "alright, I was starting to think you wouldn't text me." Then, minutes after, "I'm guessing you don't really want to. Idk, I'm not happy with everything, but I wasn't before either. Idk. Are you coming to d&d tomorrow?" (We play d&d with a group of friends at his and his roommates apt, they play too, and at the break up, I asked if i was still welcome and he said yes) I just replied with "Yeah sorry. Out with friends. Ill be at d&d." (I WAS out with friends) and he replied with "ok have fun." I find out yesterday he was asking a coworker about me and how I was doing and told her too that he had doubts about his decision.

 

Also yesterday he Texted me multiple times about playing d&d that night, who was coming and times and such. I always waited an hour or two to respond and was always general, basic minimum responses. (I was also busy at work) he could have had our friend tony relay all this info too, but he didn't.

 

So I go last night, showed up right at start time when before I used to go early to hang out alone or nap. I was cordial and acted normal and charming and as if all was cool. He came and greeted me at the door, also not necessary. Before, he always bought me a cranberry red bull before a game and he surprised me with one again today, unasked. He also would bring me snacks to the table since my usual seat is a back corner. He at one point asked if I wanted some water and before, we had always shared one but when I didn't make a reach for it, he got up and got me my own. Multiple times I caught him looking at me when I wasn't looking. I could see it out of the corner of my eye but didn't let him know I saw. He shared his whiskey with me an at one pointed, wanted to toast with me alone. All in all it was fun. Later, I had called a cab home and was a bit tipsy and tired. The cab company called me to tell me they had no taxi for me and it would be a much longer wait. He said I could stay over if I wanted and that it wouldn't be weird. I decided to, probably not the best but I was so tired and didn't want to wait for another cab. We talked casually which was nice. There was only one moment of awkwardness when I couldn't help but ask if there was something going on with another coworker, but I stopped it quickly. We went to bed and he was nicer than was necessary. Helped me out aloe on a sunburn, (that may have been a slightly evil move on my part, but hey:D) surprised me with a small sandwich bc I said I hadn't eaten much. We cuddled a little but I wouldn't kiss him and he didn't ask me to actually. Just kissed the back of my neck while spooning. He did get down at one point bc he said that he really wanted to be intimate with me and knew he couldn't. I told him (nicely, not snottily) that that was a consequence of the choice he made and that a friends with benefits situation wasn't acceptable to me. He respected my wishes and didn't try anything. All this but still maintains that he's not good enough or happy enough with himself and his life to be dating me. When I left this morning he asked for a hug goodbye.

 

My question is, what now? Overall it was a good time. Does he still want to be with me? Is he regretting his decision? Or is this just guilt for ending things? Also, what do I do now? How to I act? Ignore him? We still will meet once a week for gaming and share a side job. Though I only work there once a week maybe so the odds of running into each other there are slim.

 

My feelings on the matter: My lack of upset at the break-up surprised me. It showed me that I wasn't as hard up as I thought and can and would be totally fine without him. However, if he wanted to try and again and was willing to make an effort to pursue me actively (I def was the stronger pursuer before) I'd definitely consider it. I care about him and there was a lot of good about our relationship.

 

So what do I do? MOST IMPORTANTLY: If he still has feeling for me, how do I get him to actively want to pursue me? Thanks!!!

[Jules6186]

Sad that there are so many views and no responses? I know it's long and I'm sorry but the devils in the details. :/ hopefully someone is able to offer some advice!

[Philosoraptor]

Well there isn't much you can do to get him to pursue you. Do you know exactly what you want out of a relationship? You need to set boundaries and enforce them. If you do not want to have any sort of intimacy outside of a relationship, then make sure to avoid those situations in the future. If he does say he wants to come back, let him know what you're not willing to accept in the future so that you don't waste time.

 

In terms of your lack of being upset, that could just be temporary as he's still dragging you along. Emotions stretch back and forth when it comes to ending a relationship. It feels ok when there is still a chance, but if he says its over and brings another woman to your next game it may be a whole different story.

Edited July 19, 2013 by Philosoraptor