Need from people who don't know me..what would you do in this situation?

[Bigcitydreamer]

Hello everyone,

 

I need some advice from people who are not close to me and who are unbiased. I am 25 years old and my bf/ ex bf is 27. We were together for 2.5 years but during that time we fought and broke up quite a bit. We seem to have different opinions on issues big or small, but we also have similar beliefs at the same time. He ended up breaking up with me 2 months ago during an argument. I was living in his house at the time and he basically kicked me out. Since I was kicked out I had to move in with my dad who lives 2 hours away from him. I was in school for fast track nursing and had to drop out because I could not find a place to stay for my dog and I.

 

I stayed with my dad for 3 weeks and then emailed my ex and told him I was sorry for the argument. I agreed that I didn't spend enough time doing things that he wanted to do and that I should have spent more time with him. He works a camp job, and works 3 weeks on and 3 weeks off. After us being broke up for 3 weeks my dad booked me a flight to a location that would allow me to find work easily with my business degree. I secured a high paying job even before I left my home province. I secured a roommate, a job, and my flight was booked. Upon receiving my email, my ex found out I was planning on leaving and begged me to stay with him. He said he would do anything under the sun for me to stay living with him and not move away but I felt things were too far gone, and I needed to be responsible so that my life wouldn't be pulled out from under me in case I was dumped again. I relied on my ex for a lot- drove a car he paid for, lived in his house, etc. because there is almost zero work in my field in that location.

 

Anyway, we got back together and were doing long distance for a small bit. He wants me to come home NOW, and is not willing to wait for very long. He said that he will take care of me and not kick me out ever again and that he wants to marry me and move forward with our relationship. I told him I would come home in approx 6 months and during that time, he can visit me in my new location on his days off. He flipped and said he would not wait that long, he said it wasn't fair to him, and I told him that I have responsibilities and I am making really good money, and that I needed to get enough experience to put on my resume so to increase the chances of finding a good job where he lives. He is basically saying if I don't come home now, he won't wait for me.. I understand his logic somewhat, but in my opinion his love for me is not strong enough because 6 months is not that long of a wait, and his job allows him 3 weeks off to be anywhere. He works closer to where I live now, then where he lives. I love him so much, and I would honestly marry him in a heartbeat but I can't go back to relying on someone to the extent that I did and I worry that I wont find work where he lives. What would you do? Do you think he is being unreasonable, or is it me that is expecting too much? Him moving here is out of the question, because he out right refuses and wants so badly to settle down in his home town.

 

Thanks in advance for any replies!

[Bigcitydreamer]

Anyone?? I find it hard to get advice on these forums. Perhaps my questions aren't as dramatic as some.. But I would love a bit of advice on this situation because I really don't know what to do. I find it annoying when people have to ask twice for advice and here I am doing it myself!

[Suziee]

He broke up with you, kicked you out of his apartment, which resulted in you moving two hours away and dropping out of nursing school. Now that you're settled in a new place, making good money, he wants you to drop everything and move back with him?

 

You're fine where you are. He can visit you on the three weeks that he is off from work--what's the big deal? Don't make any major sacrifices for this guy. He's being controlling by giving you ultimatums and telling you what's fair or not. He's selfish and it would be folly for you to trust his promises.

[Treasa]

Yeah, **** that. He's an ******* and you can do a lot better. Wow, the fact that you're even considering being with someone like this is astounding. Well, no it's not, because I stayed with douchebags way too long, too. Anyway, don't take all the time I took, and just tell him to piss off and never call you again.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Thank you suziee. That's what I expected actually. I'm a lot farther then 2 hours away. More like a 7 day drive away! At the other side of Canada! I thought the same as what you are saying but he sees

It so differently! I did give him reason to break up with me though so that's why I'm feeling guilty about all of this.

[Quiet Storm]

He ended up breaking up with me 2 months ago during an argument. I was living in his house at the time and he basically kicked me out. Since I was kicked out I had to move in with my dad who lives 2 hours away from him. I was in school for fast track nursing and had to drop out because I could not find a place to stay for my dog and I.

 

I think he sounds selfish.

 

He wants you to be accommodating to his needs, but he couldn't even accommodate you and let you stay until you found another place to live. You had to quit school because of that. Not cool. (I don't know the details of your breakup...if he caught you cheating or something horrible, then I don't blame him for booting you).

 

You have a career and are making good money. You have set up living arrrangements that are working out for you. And now, he wants you to accomodate him and move in with him again?

 

You offered a compromise by agreeing to move in six months, but that is not good enough for him.

 

I think when someone loves you, they should take your feelings into consideration. This guy doesn't seem to consider your feelings or your circumstances. It's all about him and his needs. I NEED YOU NOW! What about you?

 

Imagine if you had a guy that would've been considerate enough to let you and your dog stay awhile since you were in school. Imagine if you had a guy that understood you have responsibilies in your new place, and was happy enough that you are willing to move back in six months. Especially considering he kicked you out and derailed your education.

 

There are men out there who are considerate. He sounds like selfish jerk who only cares about what he wants.

 

I personally would focus on your career, being self sufficient and meeting new friends in your new area. You are fortunate that your dad help bring you up back up after a rough time...don't let this guy drag you down again. Your dad may not be willing to pick up the pieces next time.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Thank you Treasa! Do you think me not spending enough time with him and getting mad at him too much was good cause for him to break up with me though? He blames me for the breakup even though I think we could have talked about it instead of things blowing up the way they did.

[Bigcitydreamer]

I think he sounds selfish.

 

He wants you to be accommodating to his needs, but he couldn't even accommodate you and let you stay until you found another place to live. You had to quit school because of that. Not cool. (I don't know the details of your breakup...if he caught you cheating or something horrible, then I don't blame him for booting you).

 

You have a career and are making good money. You have set up living arrrangements that are working out for you. And now, he wants you to accomodate him and move in with him again?

 

You offered a compromise by agreeing to move in six months, but that is not good enough for him.

 

I think when someone loves you, they should take your feelings into consideration. This guy doesn't seem to consider your feelings or your circumstances. It's all about him and his needs. I NEED YOU NOW! What about you?

 

Imagine if you had a guy that would've been considerate enough to let you and your dog stay awhile since you were in school. Imagine if you had a guy that understood you have responsibilies in your new place, and was happy enough that you are willing to move back in six months. Especially considering he kicked you out and derailed your education.

 

There are men out there who are considerate. He sounds like selfish jerk who only cares about what he wants.

 

I personally would focus on your career, being self sufficient and meeting new friends in your new area. You are fortunate that your dad help bring you up back up after a rough time...don't let this guy drag you down again. Your dad may not be willing to pick up the pieces next time.

 

Wow everyone feels the same as I do! I wonder why he is so selfish towards me! It breaks my heart knowing that we will probably never be together again. I've yet to find a man who isn't selfish towards me. Things weren't always this bad. No cheating was involved. He just felt I took advantage of him and wasn't willing to do the stuff he wanted which was true.

[Ruby Slippers]

You're smart to take care of yourself and do things at your own pace.

 

In spite of the problems, I don't think the relationship is a lost cause - but I totally agree with you that if he can't wait 6 months for you to move back, that's just too bad. Six months is a drop in the bucket compared to many years together. If he loves you and is committed, he'll accept those terms. They are perfectly reasonable.

[mortensorchid]

He broke up with you, kicked you out of his house, then you came crawling back not because you really wanted him back but because he provided a certain security to you (not just financial even though most will use the financial excuse). He will do it again because he has the upper hand. Get out now while you can and move on.

[Els]

You should absolutely stand your ground on this. 6 months is not a long wait at all, especially as he has proven that he cannot be relied upon to support you even if you felt inclined to sacrifice your career for him. What sort of person just kicks a woman he purportedly loved a day ago, out of his house when she has nowhere to live and is a student? This is NOT the sort of man you should be sacrificing your career or, really, anything else for. His words and promises mean nothing, until they can be backed up by actions. And trying to get you to sacrifice your career for him is an action that absolutely does not reflect well on him.

 

I think you need to reconsider why you would 'seriously marry him in a heartbeat'. Honey, what if you're married with children and he kicks ALL of you out of the house when you have an argument?

[outsidethebox]

I was going to post something like Elswyth said. He had no concern for you being able to finish your fast track program. Kicked you out. I don't agree with that this has a chance or deserves a chance. I don't care what you two argued about, he could have let you finish your program while you tried to work it out.

 

Only a totally selfish ***hole would act like that, I have no idea why you would give him the time of day after the way he treated you.

 

On other hand, apparently girls like these "bad" boys.

[Els]

I was going to post something like Elswyth said. He had no concern for you being able to finish your fast track program. Kicked you out. I don't agree with that this has a chance or deserves a chance. I don't care what you two argued about, he could have let you finish your program while you tried to work it out.

 

Only a totally selfish ***hole would act like that, I have no idea why you would give him the time of day after the way he treated you.

 

Exactly. Or at least given her a reasonable period of time to get her stuff in order and find another place to live near her school. The dude seems to have zero concern for anyone except himself.

[Bigcitydreamer]

I thought he was selfish also but wasn't sure if I was being dramatic or expecting too much! Well I guess I can see that I wasn't expecting too much! He didn't use to always be so selfish but over the last year or so I find he has gotten a lot more noticeably selfish. Funny thing is is he thinks he is amazing to me and disagrees with the whole selfish thing!

[ali_g]

It's your life so you gotta decide.

 

I say don't go. But also don't completely close the idea of a future with him (as everyone is saying). Unfortunately when people get really really close and care about each other a lot they tend to get overly emotional and do stupid things like getting in arguments. I am sure you had your share of the fault in him kicking you out.

 

Cheers,

[Treasa]

No, I just think he's a dick and you shouldn't waste another second on him.

[Bigcitydreamer]

It's your life so you gotta decide.

 

I say don't go. But also don't completely close the idea of a future with him (as everyone is saying). Unfortunately when people get really really close and care about each other a lot they tend to get overly emotional and do stupid things like getting in arguments. I am sure you had your share of the fault in him kicking you out.

 

Cheers,

 

Yes that is true. I'm not innocent myself. But he knew that was basically the only thing he could do to hurt me so I think it was a control thing.

[Els]

Yes that is true. I'm not innocent myself. But he knew that was basically the only thing he could do to hurt me so I think it was a control thing.

 

IMO it doesn't matter what you did, unless maybe you cheated on him or abused him. An argument can lead to a breakup - and he would totally be within his rights to break up with you for whatever you said or did during the argument. But decent people do not kick out their long-term partner immediately upon a breakup knowing full well that the other person has nowhere to go and it would screw up their life, and not caring.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Thank you guys for taking the time to respond to this. Makes me feel better and less crazy.. I hope I haven't worded it to give myself an edge of sorts. I know there is 2 sides to every story but I tried to make it as black and white as possible.

[Els]

Thank you guys for taking the time to respond to this. Makes me feel better and less crazy.. I hope I haven't worded it to give myself an edge of sorts. I know there is 2 sides to every story but I tried to make it as black and white as possible.

 

There is always the risk of that when asking for advice. I think you're good, though.