I've known her for an entire 3rd of my life. How can I just let that go?

[FetchingLife]

Hey everyone, I'm new here but was feeling a sudden pang of depression and regret that I've really been dealing with quite heavily for the past few weeks about my current situation with my ex-girlfriend / ex-best friend.

 

I've been broken up with my ex-girlfriend for over two years, now. We were inseparable best friends for 8 years and in a relationship for 4 of those 8. The breakup was not mutual and I took it incredibly hard. We remained close friends, though, because I didn't want to lose the strongest connection I've ever had with another human being. My ties with my family were never great and my friends were only ever really average friends. My friendship with her completely shook my world with how amazing it can be to have such a close relationship with someone, even non-romantically. Now, with all of that said, she was in a similar situation. One of the biggest strains on our relationship, actually, was how dependent she was on me and our interaction.

 

Anyway, when it really sunk in that all of our firsts together and all of our investment in each other and that my residual feelings and struggling was no longer there for her—when she confided in me that she had a sexual encounter with another man (and she was well aware that I was still struggling with my feelings for her, mind you), I had the worst emotional breakdown I've ever had. I don't think I'd ever had a panic attack before then.

 

I tried no contact for about a week before I felt so terrible at the thought of giving up such a friendship and went back to try and work through it while keeping her in my life. But that fact alone started to manifest into an obsession in my head. I couldn't get the image of her doing all kinds of sexual and romantic things with other people and enjoying her life with these people so casually while I fought for four years to barely experience any of it with her. If I'm being completely frank, I am very small in size, sexually, and this basically led to not being able to make love to my girlfriend in the conventional way.

 

I couldn't, and hell even still can't at times stop myself from comparing myself to this new guy and possibly new people with whom "something happened". It makes me sick and ill and I ****ing hate it. It's like my worth as a partner sexually and even my worth as a man are all tied to my failures with my ex, a lot of it sexual, but a lot of in other ways, too.

 

I've actually seriously considered therapy in trying to deal with these things, because the thing about my sexuality being tied to her and the unbelievable amount of shame and guilt and worthlessness that I feel because of that has gotten very debilitating.

 

But aside from that, I keep thinking to myself whether or not I'll ever be completely over her. Whether or not I can salvage the friendship.

 

To be clear, I cut contact three and a half months ago after it all got way too hard and have not relapsed.

 

She was kind enough to talk with me as long as I needed to before we finally said goodbye. She said she wanted to give me as much closure as she could. She let me say everything. And then for the first time, she confided in me a lot of the things that led to her moving away from our romantic relationship. It sucks, because so many of those things were misinterpreted and I wish I could have explained myself, but I knew it wouldn't matter and so I didn't.

 

Despite how nice of her it was to do that, and as glad as I am that I now know, it made things worse in some ways.

 

Since then, I'm constantly asking myself how the hell I can throw away 8 years of such an amazing friendship with this girl. Emotionally, I still have feelings of shame and regret and guilt and all of that stuff left over that I'm struggling to deal with. I still wish we were committed to each other.

 

But mentally, I don't want that. I logically acknowledge that we weren't a good couple for VARIOUS reasons. I don't want to want her. But I do want her friendship. I want it so badly. I've never been so close to someone before, and I'm constantly hoping that maybe in another three months I'll be okay and maybe I can rekindle that friendship.

 

But if I did, would things be the same? Would she be open to it? How am I supposed to put myself out there and see if there is room for me in her life or hers in mine when we've both likely changed quite a bit and she may very well have replaced me in that role in her life?

 

How am I supposed to know when I'm ready for something like that? How am I supposed to trust myself to take that chance but not wind up realizing I've made a terrible mistake and have put myself back in a position to torture myself with her new romantic life and then ultimately have to cut things off AGAIN, hurting her, given she re-extended that hand of friendship.

 

I'm trying so hard to focus on myself. I've made a lot of strides with my weight and that's going really well for me, but I've got a lot of work to do in other areas of my life. But the idea of throwing this away forever is killing me. I think part of it is that I've also been going through a bit of an existential crisis in realizing that life is short and that having spent an entire third of my current existence being so close with this girl should mean something and have some kind of permanence in my life—that I should retain as many of my connections and friendships with great people as I can, especially with her being the first.

 

I know I'm not even close to ready. Hell, I know that so long as this is such a huge priority in my head, that I likely won't be ready.

 

But it's really messing with me and I don't know how to move forward.

 

I've gotten this off of my chest in more than a few communities all ready, and while the feedback I get is uplifting, these feelings very easily return... which is why I think therapy might be helpful for me.

 

In either case, I really just needed to vent.

[thewrongonee]

Your story related to my situation so well, I wish i could help. I am stuck and do not know what to do.

[geegirl]

I think you are trying to grab hold off too many things at one time.

 

The first thing you need to do is see that therapist you were talking about rebuilding your self-esteem again. The physical issue that you are facing will follow you into your next relationship or may just hold you back in time if you don't address it. You have to focus on healing yourself first, and foremost.

 

The friendship you have with her will never be the same. You have to let go of what you had. A friendship is not something you should be thinking about because you are in no condition to even be a friend to her when you are still this emotional.

 

You will know when you can be friends with her when the thought of her with another man leaves you feeling nothing but contentment about the fact that she's happy.

 

For now, she's moving in a different path, and so must you. I understand your feelings. My first boyfriend, we were friends for two years and were together in a relationship for 6 years. He was my first, my everything, my all. Twenty years have gone by and while we are still friends, our paths have taken so many turns that the friendship that we once had in our twenties, we will never have again. In time when you start to face new experiences and you start to meet new people, your attachment to her will change and you will see her in a different light. Your dependence on that friendship will change because you will start to foster different relationships and friendships with others. The closeness you once had with her will fade because her life will be with another and you will be moving in another direction as well.

 

Your intense focus on the friendship is your fear to let go. That's the only lifeline you have to her. Severing it means finality. And finality is hard to accept and grasp. You must let go.

 

Please schedule an appointment and work on the issues you have within. You have a million questions going through your head. One thing at a time. And trust, that in time, it will all fall in place. It always does. But first things, first.

Edited March 7, 2013 by geegirl

[FetchingLife]

I think you are trying to grab hold off too many things at one time.

 

The first thing you need to do is see that therapist you were talking about rebuilding your self-esteem again. The physical issue that you are facing will follow you into your next relationship or may just hold you back in time if you don't address it. You have to focus on healing yourself first, and foremost.

 

The friendship you have with her will never be the same. You have to let go of what you had. A friendship is not something you should be thinking about because you are in no condition to even be a friend to her when you are still this emotional.

 

You will know when you can be friends with her when the thought of her with another man leaves you feeling nothing but contentment about the fact that she's happy.

 

For now, she's moving in a different path, and so must you. I understand your feelings. My first boyfriend, we were friends for two years and were together in a relationship for 6 years. He was my first, my everything, my all. Twenty years have gone by and while we are still friends, our paths have taken so many turns that the friendship that we once had in our twenties, we will never have again. In time when you start to face new experiences and you start to meet new people, your attachment to her will change and you will see her in a different light. Your dependence on that friendship will change because you will start to foster different relationships and friendships with others. The closeness you once had with her will fade because her life will be with another and you will be moving in another direction as well.

 

Your intense focus on the friendship is your fear to let go. That's the only lifeline you have to her. Severing it means finality. And finality is hard to accept and grasp. You must let go.

 

Please schedule an appointment and work on the issues you have within. You have a million questions going through your head. One thing at a time. And trust, that in time, it will all fall in place. It always does. But first things, first.

 

Thank you for your response. I take a lot of solace in the experience you share and how you're able to look back at it. I'm not deluding myself into thinking I'm the only one who knows how this feels or that it won't go away. It's just been a struggle as I'm still in the throes of it all.

 

I'm working toward personal change and betterment and want nothing more than to make the right choices, even if they're hard in the shorter term. I've been looking into local therapists and hopefully will have the gall to make an appointment fairly soon.

[geegirl]

Thank you for your response. I take a lot of solace in the experience you share and how you're able to look back at it. I'm not deluding myself into thinking I'm the only one who knows how this feels or that it won't go away. It's just been a struggle as I'm still in the throes of it all.

 

I'm working toward personal change and betterment and want nothing more than to make the right choices, even if they're hard in the shorter term. I've been looking into local therapists and hopefully will have the gall to make an appointment fairly soon.

 

I understand how much of a struggle it is for you. Eight years is a long time and an attachment that is going to be very difficult to let go. It's going take much time for you to get there but you will be using that time to better yourself emotionally and mentally. Not only did you lose your love but also the deep friendship you had with her, which to me was even harder to grasp and deal with.

 

I'm glad to hear you are taking action with finding a therapist. It will help you organize your feelings and thoughts and you will be able to learn coping skills in dealing with those emotions, rather than letting it all overwhelm you and keep you stuck.

 

Short term pain for long term gain. Cliche, but it is true. Keep moving forward.