Carwhisperer Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 I cannot seem to break this stupid cycle. I can't seem to make male friends and I hate being alone so I date. 1. I meet someone and go on a few dates. From the get go I think "I am probably not in this for the long haul but it is fun and MAYBE it is for the long haul so I am not being unfair to her." 2. Right away I start wondering. Can I do better than this? It is like I am buying a car and trying to get the most features I can for what I can afford. I guess what I can "afford" is based on what I bring to the table. My looks, age, education, career, wit, passion, etc. 3. After a few weeks I look for a reason to bail. When I find one, I do. Last night I broke up with a girl I had been seeing for just over a month. She had A,C and D but not B or E. In this case that means she is very attractive, affectionate and fun, but not educated and no job. I am a middle aged divorced math teacher. Any advice? I cried over how I had hurt this girl today. I was tempted to text her several times and ask her if she wanted to give it another try but as of yet I haven't done so. Meanwhile, I am going out with someone else tonight who is educated and has a job. I suck! Link to post Share on other sites
GG3 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Did you feel an emotional connection to this girl? Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 As tough as it sounds, your situation sounds like how dating should go: you find out you're not compatible with her (him for the ladies), you move on and find someone else who has A, B, C, D, E. Yeah, that involves breaking hearts. You spared her the time that she could use to invest in someone who will want to stay with her. Or you know... you go around and meet other women, get into relationships with them, break up, go around some more, but you still find yourself missing this girl who's missing B and E but has A, C, and D... then get in touch with her and see if she'll give you another chance. You'll change, she'll change, whatever. Three days only? Give her time, she needs space from you too - and you need space to clear your head. What, is this going to be one of those break up, get back together, "Uh, B & E is actually really, really important to me, so I'm sorry I'm going to have to break up with you again," get back together scenarios? Give it more than 3 days. You got the break up you wanted, so use the time alone productively. If that means dating other women, going skydiving, making lesson plans, hitting the gym, do it. Leave her alone for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Addison312 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Is it your goal to marry someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carwhisperer Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 Is it your goal to marry someone? Yes most definitely. I was married 16 years. The best years of my life occurred during those years but they were not all great. Thank you, ohpenelope, for the practical advice. You make some good points. I did do that to another girl a year ago. We broke up a couple of times and I realized she still didn't have B and E. But could it be different this time? I guess part of what I am saying is that no one is going to have everything I want so if I want to get married I am going to have to compromise. Plus, one way to make this ugly pain stop, for me and, presumably, her too, would be to get back together, right? But then maybe it will hurt even more the next time. Meanwhile, the girl I dated tonight seems to rank pretty high but she doesn't have time. Our child visitation schedules don't match up very well and that really sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 You May never meet someone who has ABCDE. I look at how well someone treats me and if we get on together and if I love them and they me. Link to post Share on other sites
Njeanne Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Unfortunate, but no one will have all the right marks, but yes this is how dating goes, and it sucks to hurt someone. Atleast you are being fair to yourselves, don't stay just to make yourselves unhappy, stay if you are in love with someone. When you find someone you really love then marks will not matter as much, or slightly less and you prob can ignore one or two. Link to post Share on other sites
GG3 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 I don't think you are being THAT picky. If someone doesn't have the education but you can't tell because they are intelligent by nature does that still bother you? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Your mistake was continuing to date her for a month when you knew upfront that she didn't have some of your must-have-criteria. If ABCDE are important to you (and you should think in-depth about each of them and really figure out how important each is), then the moment you find out someone doesn't have one of them, you need to end the relationship rather than stringing her along and allowing her feelings to grow. Link to post Share on other sites
GG3 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Your mistake was continuing to date her for a month when you knew upfront that she didn't have some of your must-have-criteria. If ABCDE are important to you (and you should think in-depth about each of them and really figure out how important each is), then the moment you find out someone doesn't have one of them, you need to end the relationship rather than stringing her along and allowing her feelings to grow. I'm thinking the same. If you feel some amazing connection and it makes you want to date that person, it isn't fair to run with that and reject them for not making the list later. Link to post Share on other sites
SharkTooth Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Man, you are in the education business! If you're not in a small town, I'm sure there are other teachers or professors in your world who may fit the bill. Or hit up a date site if you haven't already. Be straight up and filter out the women that have been missing the x,y,z's. Fifteen years ago I happened in to a situation like yours and once I got the pain from the BU behind me, I let it loose. Met some amazing women along the way, loved a few of them, and eventually broke up (them or me were the dumpers). I know one thing for certain, it's true what they say, you never find someone when you're looking. Have fun for yourself, be yourself, do what you are passionate about, it's all about you. The women will take notice! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carwhisperer Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 Thank you so much for the replies. Update. I wussed out and asked her if we could give it another try. I had given her the reasons why I wanted to end it and naturally she was hurt. So before I asked her to give it another go I wrote out a list of things I like about her. She liked that. She said she wasn't ready to give me a 2nd chance yet but has not closed the door. We went to a gathering last night and she is on her way over now so I can work on her car. I know she doesn't have everything I want but she has a couple things that are pretty awesome. I know not all guys like this but I love the way she hangs on me, even when we are in public. She is very affectionate. We also used to know each other 20 years ago. In fact, I made a public proposal to my ex wife and she saw it. So we have that connection and mutual friends from the past. Anyway, I'll update this later. Link to post Share on other sites
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