Do I stand a chance? ("What is going on", edited)

[Happypuppy]

I have a very long and complicated question, that I really hope you can help me with, before I make myself mad..

I’ll try to keep it short though:

 

In 2007 I met a really great guy (I was 24, he was 25)

He was actually a friend of one of my ex boyfriends (which I later learned was kind of hard for him)

Anyways; we got together as boyfriend and girlfriend, and everything was amazing.

And I mean amazing!

We could speak about everything, we loved the same stuff, sex was great and so on.

 

One day, after 8 months, he broke it off with me and I didn’t understand anything.

He just told me it didn’t work, and left.

I was heartbroken like never before; I had finally been able to see myself getting married down the line (we even talked about kids; and it wasn’t me who brought up these things, it was him)

 

After a week he asked me to have a talk, and then he revealed to me that he had been stupidly drunk one night and two of my girlfriends had hitted on him and appareantly they ended up in bed… Needless to say my sorrow was beyond this world. I had no one; had lost both my boyfriend and my two closest girlfriends.

 

The thing is that no one who knows this guy could believe it. He has never been the one night stand type of guy, and his friends came to me to tell me they knew he absolutely loved me and they understood even less than me, cause he was just not that type of guy.

He never had to tell me about him cheating; I would never have found out.

Based on his honesty and knowing that this was really untypical of him, I decided we should give it another try.

 

At this point he told me he wanted to live with me, get a cat, go grossary shopping, he would stay at home every weekend if that was what it would take, the list goes on and on; he just wanted to be with me.

In the beginning it was good, but after his betrail I had serious issues, mostly about his feelings towards me.

 

This spiraled into us “trying” on and off for a looong time.

In restrospect I now see that I was way to insecure and scared of losing him.

I was needy and I now know all the things I did wrong…

It’s terrible to think I have wasted my chance with the guy I still in my heart think of as The One..

 

After trying to break it of several times (the both of us) because it didn’t work, he finally told me this summer that it was over.

Then we hadn’t seen each other for about a month, because we both had been travelling (but we still had contact, and even with him busy across the world, he told me he was thinking of me)

 

In my head I must admit I thought to myself “ok, here we go again”, but he actually didn’t make contact with me this time.

We had agreed that we would tell each other if we found someone else, just as a curtesy to the other, and about a month after he told me he had met someone.

 

I was still severly heartbroken for losing him, and our conversation didn’t end so good..

He blocked me from FB and so on. This was in September, he and this girl apperantly started things in June. But I heard from a friend of his that he had me as a screensaver on his phone at the same time..

I later learned that the girl he was talking about was a girl he had known almost his entire life, and that he actually had been with 15 (!) years ago or so.

 

They don’t live in the same country and they had hooked up when she was visiting home one weekend.

She then went back to her country (she is studying there) and it seems they have “agreed on their relationship” online after a while.

I know for a fact that she has been after him for several years, without him showing much interest.

 

They just came back after him visiting her for 1,5 months, and as far as I understand their plan is to move in together soon, she is moving back.

 

I am trying to move on with my life, but this whole ordeal with this guy is constantly on my mind.

I was so sure of him being IT..

 

To make matters worse, I asked him to have a coffee with me as a friend, a while after I learned about this girl.

(about one month after, in a light tone)

Just because we left things not so great, and because he had told me we might be able to stay friends and I missed talking to him.

 

He then told me he didn’t want to talk to me, that he had to think of himself, that I should know that what he had done was hard on him and that I never should ask again and so on..

 

Do I even stand a chance?

I mean; I was the first girl he had ever lived with, he told me several times that he could see us growing old together and starting a family, that he never had such a great girlfriend, that he would be regretting the breakup between us, and one of the last things he said to me was that I was an amazing girl that deserved so much better.

 

Is his feelings for this girl real you think..? After almost 30 years of knowing her and one weekend of hooking up, then living in separate countrys for 2 months? And after telling me all of these things and them trying to be together once before?

 

I dream of us meeting one day and being able to start things all over again, with me having learned my lesson about re-assuranse and needyness…

I find it hard to believe that he is in love with this girl, I think it’s him just trying to distract himself. A rebound?

Or am I delutional…?

 

What’s your opinion on this..?

And do you have any tips on easing into his life again?

Do you think I am completely forgotten..? Does he even think of me..?

 

Haven’t talked to him in over a month, after him telling me that he didn’t want to talk to me,(except a text regarding some of our things, in wich he replied in a polite manner, but nothing more, and then proceeded to unblock me from FB. Asked him about it, he never replied)

and haven’t seen him since June.

 

Got drunk last night and stupidly sent a text to him..

It reads:

 

"Hi

I know I'm making a fool of myself and I don't care.

You have tought me so much, and thanks to you I have become a better person. Thanks! I'm still thinking of you and regretting that things turned out the way it did, but everything happens for a reason, right? Hope you are doing good"

 

My God.. I need help!

[Tmo2]

I dream of us meeting one day and being able to start things all over again, with me having learned my lesson about re-assuranse and needyness…

 

What’s your opinion on this..?

Do you think I am completely forgotten..? Does he even think of me..?

 

You said you dream of one day meeting and being able to start all over again with him. At the same time you asked how can I re-enter his life? You are trying to pressure the situation and go back to what you had. This is counter productive to your dream... You acknowledge that you are needy, great! You know that this is a problem, so before you try and re-enter his life you should fix this problem. It is one of the first steps you need to do for your dream to come true. Unfortunately it won't magically happen and it takes time+work. There is a lesson to be learned like you said. And you will learn once you apply it in your life. Stop over-thinking about how will it happen and start thinking about your well-being. Figure out how you can become less needy and apply whichever solutions until you are less needy. (This means experiencing with new people, relationships). Only then, in a few months time, and depending on how serious you took this, you will be in a stronger position to start something new. And hey, who knows what can happen during this time. Don't live in the past and don't live in the future. You cannot force him back in your arms, he has his own desires. Work on yourself, apart from him, and become a better stronger happier person.

 

Btw, you are not completely forgotten.

[Happypuppy]

Thank you for your reply!

 

Yes, I guess I'm kind of rushing things.. I'm scared he will completly forget about me Especially since he has a new thing going. So I guess I'm trying to make some sort of contact with him, just so he can actually see that I'm working on things.. Stupid I guess. At the same time I'm worried he thinks he has hurt me so much, that he does not make any form of contact, even if he should change his mind..

 

Good to hear that you don't think he has forgotten all about me.

I guess I just have to leave things alone, no contact and let things play out by themselves; it's just so hard! I miss him every day, and think of him every five minutes. And it's been months!

 

I'm trying to focus on myself, but it's hard with him stuck in my head and heart.

 

So basically your advice is: don't make any contact, work on myself and my issues and whatever happens, happens?

[Lone]

So basically your advice is: don't make any contact, work on myself and my issues and whatever happens, happens?

 

Unfortunately this is all you can do. It seems to be general consensus around here. Let him be. If he wants/decides to come back he will. In the meantime work on yourself with a vengeance. So that if he does come back he will get a nice surprise as well. You are new and improved. Also, if he doesnt come back then you are a better you for YOU and someone better will take notice.

 

Im in a similar situation. Trying to follow this advice is difficult. Especially with the deep sorrow as you described following you around. Trust me i know.

 

End of day you can hope for the best but you NEED to be prepared for the worst - i.e him not coming back. I wish i could tell you it will all be ok but i dont want to lie. Truth is on here you'll get a bunch of 'loveshack experts' telling you there is NO CHANCE IN HELL etc etc but end of the day NO-ONE KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN. He might, he might not. He might and you might decide you dont want him 2-3 months down the line. Who knows.

 

I do hope u get the ending your looking for but take the time you have been gifted with to work on yourself so that if he does come back the same mistakes dont happen or atleast you dont make them with someone else.

 

Give my post a read if you dare

[Happypuppy]

Thank you for your reply!

 

I know you are right. Even if he came back now I know in my heart I would not be happy. I have to learn to be happy all by myself first, before I can even begin to think of making someone else happy.

 

Just so hard to let this go. But I wrote myself a letter last night, that actually helped. I started out thinking I was going to write to him (and never send it, just vent), but it ended up adressed to myself.

 

It reads:

"You can't control him. Right now he needs to be with her. If you were to be together, none of you would be happy. You would still be scared and miserable and unsure of yourself and where you stand with him. He knows how much you loved him, he knows that you accept the BU, and that you are working on yourself. He also know that you are open to pick up some contact again some day, and that you regret that things turned out the way they did, but that you are confidend that it has happened for a reason. The best thing to do now is to let him be. It will take time to heal the wounds between you. He needs to make his own mistakes and learn that it was not our relationship that was wrong, it was the people we were then and how we delt with things.

You are a beautiful, funny, outgoing and rescourceful girl that can have anyone you like if you can just let this go. Are you still sad about your other exes? No? So you know this will pass! You just have to get back on the horse. Let him make the experiences he needs to to be ready for a LTR with serious commitments, and if you are ment to be he will return. Sooner or later. Maybe you don't even want him by then?" And at the end there is a list of the negative sides of him.

 

Gonna read it everytime I feel upset about this whole situation, maybe it can help others too?

 

Thanks for your help guys, loved the input!

[Tmo2]

I know you are right. Even if he came back now I know in my heart I would not be happy. I have to learn to be happy all by myself first, before I can even begin to think of making someone else happy.

 

Just so hard to let this go. But I wrote myself a letter last night, that actually helped. I started out thinking I was going to write to him (and never send it, just vent), but it ended up adressed to myself.

 

It reads:

"You can't control him. Right now he needs to be with her. If you were to be together, none of you would be happy. You would still be scared and miserable and unsure of yourself and where you stand with him. He knows how much you loved him, he knows that you accept the BU, and that you are working on yourself. He also know that you are open to pick up some contact again some day, and that you regret that things turned out the way they did, but that you are confidend that it has happened for a reason. The best thing to do now is to let him be. It will take time to heal the wounds between you. He needs to make his own mistakes and learn that it was not our relationship that was wrong, it was the people we were then and how we delt with things.

You are a beautiful, funny, outgoing and rescourceful girl that can have anyone you like if you can just let this go. Are you still sad about your other exes? No? So you know this will pass! You just have to get back on the horse. Let him make the experiences he needs to to be ready for a LTR with serious commitments, and if you are ment to be he will return. Sooner or later. Maybe you don't even want him by then?" And at the end there is a list of the negative sides of him.

 

Gonna read it everytime I feel upset about this whole situation, maybe it can help others too?

 

Thanks for your help guys, loved the input!

 

 

!Very good! Excellent in fact. It is important to take action. Working out can be a very good remedy (it is to me).

Whenever you doubt yourself in the next few weeks, come back to the state of mind you have in this message.

You will encounter new obstacles as time passes, keep in mind why you do the things you do and move on.

Deal with the problems as they come and you will be feeling better sooner then you expected.

The reward will be sweet: you will find Pride, Confidence, Higher Self Esteem, Understanding and more.

Edited January 14, 2013 by Tmo2

[Happypuppy]

I have read the message I wrote to myself a couple of times today, and I actually feel better now than I have in months. I'm actually smiling today, without an effort. Not sure if I'm just having a good day. Just have to keep remembering that what the note reads is the truth!

 

Still hard and still think of him, but somehow browsing this page, something has shifted in me. Don't know what happened, I think I'm just sick of being miserable. He does not deserve my misery!

 

I will continue to read my message like a mantra, read some posts in here and I'm gonna buy a few books on self-improvement. I am already working out, and it helps.

 

My biggest fear now is that I have made such a fool of myself during our heated years (and drunken texts...) that he will think of me like a doormat and think I'm stupid, but I guess I will just have to learn to not care.

 

Though it's hard; I do still love him. I'm hoping that he, as the understanding man I know and love, will understand why I did what I did and forgive me.

 

Time will show what happenes, but for now I have regained some hope that it will all work out as it's supposed to and I will be happy in the end; with him or with someone completely new

 

To everyone; thank you so much for your heartfelt posts in this forum, for sharing some of your pain. Lovely to be able to seek out totally strangers for help. And you DO help!

 

PS: I would strongly reccomend writing some sort of "matra" wich you can read over and over. It's already helping, as I said. You might not believe it in the beginning, but eventually you will. You believe what you tell yourself, remember that!

 

I just have to learn to let go. For now at least.

[Happypuppy]

Ok, I don't really know what to do with myself...

Yesterday I learned that he is going to be a father in April..!

That basically means he knocked this girl up even before they were officially together. (that happened in August)

I'm hoorified and feel like an idiot.

Wrote him a pretty long fb-message where I told him that I'm going to block him because it will be too hard to even see his pic around.

My God, I should have seen this one coming. What is sad is that I thought we at least would be able to have some contact after a while, but I don't think I will be able to ever. It just hurt to much. I'm broken...

[TaraMaiden]

See, this is another situation where the 'loveshack experts' as Lone likes to call us, are distressingly proven right once again.

 

because those yearning for a return to their happier times, are yearning for just that. A return to their happier times. They can think of, and focus on, nothing else.

They just want a second chance to relive the happiness they once had......

 

Unfortunately, life has a habit of knocking you for six with its constant game of swing-ball - it blind-sides you with behaviour that is completely unpredictable, and events completely beyond your imagination or control.

 

Second chances rarely work, because of many reasons; the main one of which is that the other person has to want it, and has to want to work for it, as much as you do.

 

And that situation is demonstrably, about as rare as rocking horse schytt, sadly.

 

And thus it is that frustratingly, maddeningly, distressingly and infuriatingly, 'loveshack experts' are proven right, once again.

 

You truly have no idea how much I personally would love to be proven wrong, just for once.

 

Just once.

[Happypuppy]

See, the thing is that I was actually fine with the breakup.

I know we wouldn't be happy as things were.

 

But everytime I feel that I'm doing better things take a turn for the worse.

When I was fine with the breakup it self, he gets a new girl.

When I was fine with the idea, I find out he has been with her before and have known her for years.

When I'm fine with that, I find out she is pregnant.

Everytime I feel I'm doing better I get knocked on my ass again...

 

And the worst part is; me finding out she got pregnant in July makes me make up stories in my head. Like: she had been after him for hears, when we broke up he slept with her to try to get me out of his head and she got knocked up. And knowing the person he is; he would never abandon his child and is therefore trying to make things work with her.

 

I know none of this to be true, but when stuff like this happens, your mind start to wander, even though you know you are not right for each other right now.

When you have been talking about marriage and children in the future, and none of you had ever been so in love before and never had such a good relationship, it is devestating to learn that he is starting a family with someone else..

[TaraMaiden]

Then you've never been 'fine' with anything.

You're not over him, otherwise you'd handle this with 'benign indifference'.

 

"Oh, okay... well, if he's happy, that's cool, but.....meh, well.... so what?"

 

You weren't fine, and haven't been for a long time, because you've kept channels of communication open. Effectively, it's hard to know when exactly you 'broke up for good' because you've kept tabs on him, or have means of knowing what's happening.

 

While you are connected, strictly speaking, you haven't given yourself the chance or time to move on... and the band-aid keeps getting ripped off, and the stitches pulled out.....

 

You need to absolutely, completely sever all and any means of contact, which will cut both ways - him to you, or you to him.

 

THEN - and only then - will you eventually become 'fine'.

[Happypuppy]

I ment I was fine to the point where I wasn't sitting at home crying, but actually out in the world going about my life.

I know I wasn't over him. And I think I might never be to be honest.

 

Was never my intension to keep tabs on him, but when you have so many friends in common it's hard not to get the news on him.

 

But I get your point. I need to remove him from my life as much as I can. Deleted messages from phone and his number last night, will block him from fb as soon as the 48 hour restriction is up (blocked him, then unblocked to send my last message)

 

Very frustrating, because I have so many questions and so much I feel the need to say. But when he doesn't want to hear it or answer I just need to learn how to live with it.

 

Woke up with something that felt almost like panic this morning.

I think I finally understand that he is gone for good. Even though my brain keeps telling me this is not what he wants.

No way for me to know that though.

 

My sorrow for her having the family we were talking about is world-shattering.

But I just have to deal with it, be strong and remove every bit of him from my life. You are right

 

Thank you

[TaraMaiden]

It's phukking schyttt that while he's creating all this damage, you're the one who has to do the limitation exercise.... you effectively have to change your modus operandum, and re-arrange your life to ensure he doesn't feature....

 

And it's a real pain, in more ways than one.

 

But yeah.

 

Okay, here we go, Day one of New Life and Moving On Completely.....

[fungusamungus]

After a week he asked me to have a talk, and then he revealed to me that he had been stupidly drunk one night and two of my girlfriends had hitted on him and appareantly they ended up in bed… Needless to say my sorrow was beyond this world. I had no one; had lost both my boyfriend and my two closest girlfriends.

 

The thing is that no one who knows this guy could believe it. He has never been the one night stand type of guy, and his friends came to me to tell me they knew he absolutely loved me and they understood even less than me, cause he was just not that type of guy.

He never had to tell me about him cheating; I would never have found out.

Based on his honesty and knowing that this was really untypical of him, I decided we should give it another try.

 

At this point he told me he wanted to live with me, get a cat, go grossary shopping, he would stay at home every weekend if that was what it would take, the list goes on and on; he just wanted to be with me.

In the beginning it was good, but after his betrail I had serious issues, mostly about his feelings towards me.

 

This spiraled into us “trying” on and off for a looong time.

In restrospect I now see that I was way to insecure and scared of losing him.

I was needy and I now know all the things I did wrong…

It’s terrible to think I have wasted my chance with the guy I still in my heart think of as The One..

This is one reason why getting back together with an ex is very tough. It is very difficult to become emotionally available to someone who hurt you like that.

 

You had a reason for being insecure and needy, because you had reason to be distrustful. Do not blame yourself for that. Getting back with an ex is tough, because you need to start from scratch. You have to start from a clean slate and leave the old relationship behind. If you simply go back to "the way things were", then all the baggage from that old relationship will persist.

 

I do believe that you both tried and were sincere, and I do believe that he honestly did make a mistake. This is why I feel like exes need significant time to cool off, get past these issues before going back.

[Happypuppy]

Thank you for soothing words.

 

My last straw that I'm clinging on to now is that I at least think we loved each other very much, and what was between us was real. I can't have imagined the whole thing; if I was the only one this was real for, it would be devastating.

 

I know now we should have started over, not try to rebuild.

It was also way too soon for us to even think of it, because we both got serious issues from it.

 

Knowing the facts in my latest post though; I don't think I can ever correct that wrong. I don't think he will think of trying with me again now that there is a child in the picture, and I don't know if I will be able to live with the fact that he has a baby with this friend from the past.

 

It's hard not to beat one self up for mistakes made when they have such an impact on your life, and you clearly see them in retrospect.

I just wish we had met later in life, I think things would have turned out completely different.