Sari Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 My boyfriend broke up with me 4 days ago after 6 months together. We're both 32, and have both had serious long-term relationships before (although he has admitted his was rather unconventional and should probably never had started). He can't seem to get over his last break-up, even though it was over a year before we met, apparently she was really horrible to him at the end and it's scarred him for life. He is very over-sensitive and quick to take offence, and almost seems to relish misery and drama a lot of the time, so I've learnt that this extended heartbreak of his is par for the course. I know he loves me, even though he had a lot of trouble saying it, on the whole we had an amazing relationship, but I just felt he was holding himself back. We broke up at 3 months the day after an amazing weekend away (his words), he went a bit bonkers, saying he loved me but never should have got in to a relationship, wasn't ready, it had all been a lie blah blah. He begged me to take him back the next day and explained about being scared of getting hurt, he was falling for me and it scared him etc. Everything was great for a while but just over the past few weeks I noticed he stopped saying he loved me off his own bat, although everything else seemed as lovely as usual (texting me endearments, calling every night, staying over all weekend). I started to get a bit insecure which I know he hates as his ex was very clingy, so I kept a lid on it, but it was starting to stress me out, so I brought it up and he finished with me there and then, again very little explanation, said he loved me but should never have got involved, I deserve better, he was out the door in 10 minutes flat! Just an hour before he had been making me breakfast " just how I like it" and talking about weekend plans together!! He came back in to my room and stared at me for a minute before he left so I said goodbye because I wanted this ridiculous melodrama to finish, he said "bye (pet name)" and left. So, I haven't contacted him, but then 2 days after we broke up, he sent me this text: I know it's totally wrong of me to contact you, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for how I've treated you. You treated me with nothing but kindness, love and respect, and I threw that back in your face. You are the sweetest person I've ever met, and you deserved so much better than me acting like a **** and walking out on you. I know I can never apologise enough for what I have done. I'm so, so sorry. I haven't replied, because as far as I'm concerned that is either breadcrumbs to nowhere, or just him trying to ease his guilty conscience for effing me about and dumping me really harshly. I feel like if he wanted me back, he should have made it explicit in the text, not leave me to work out what his thoughts were. At the same time, I know that he is a great big coward underneath it all, and so maybe he wouldn't have just come out and said it. Last time he dumped me, he sent a similar one but asking if he could call, whereas this one doesn't mention us speaking again. It also doesn't refer to us being over for good or the break up being for the best, or hope we can be friends, or any of the usual 'you'll always be special' platitudes. I know that he thinks I'm amazing, and beautiful, and he obviously had no intention of breaking up with me until I brought up my insecurities (he told me his grandparents wanted to meet me just days before we broke up FGS!), so this is all very rushed and out of the blue, I would say for both of us. Whether or not I would consider giving him another chance is unknown at present, and possibly moot, if his text was just to ease his guilt... Does anyone have any thoughts on what his motives in texting me may have been? Thanks for thoughts!
TaraMaiden Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 ........... as far as I'm concerned that is either breadcrumbs to nowhere, or just him trying to ease his guilty conscience for effing me about and dumping me really harshly. I feel like if he wanted me back, he should have made it explicit in the text, not leave me to work out what his thoughts were.......... ......... Does anyone have any thoughts on what his motives in texting me may have been? Thanks for thoughts! ^^^This. I completely agree with you. he's seeking forgiveness/validation. If you forgive him, it clears his conscience and he's not so bad/was right. He's not 'apologising' for the sake of apologising: It's - He is very over-sensitive and quick to take offence, and almost seems to relish misery and drama a lot of the time more of this.
Author Sari Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Sigh, maybe you're right. I just don't get it, it's like a monster suddenly took over his brain. One minute he was cuddling me and asking what was wrong, the next he was out the door faster than you can say "problems with commitment" Thanks for your reply!
Emilia Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Does anyone have any thoughts on what his motives in texting me may have been? Regret regarding how he treated you. I don't think he wants to come back, I think he still loves his ex and/or f**d up by the previous relationship. He truly believes you deserve someone better. It sounds like he is a good guy but he isn't in the right headspace for a relationship. It was only 6 months with a break in the middle, this is when most of the c**p comes out in the wash unfortunately. Best to move on.
Author Sari Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Thanks Emilia. He is a good guy, despite how he has acted with me. I miss him so much, even though it wasn't a very long relationship, we had so much in common and got serious pretty quickly
Emilia Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I miss him so much, even though it wasn't a very long relationship, we had so much in common and got serious pretty quickly I know but you really don't want a guy who simply runs away. He sounds like he is on the weak side. Not someone you could count on in a crisis.
Author Sari Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 True. My last bf was the same. It's a shame as I've really grown up in the last few years and now just want to be in a mature, secure relationship. Ah well. Just to add, he also wrote in the text that he can't believe he was so hurtful and dismissive towards me, which also made me think he wanted to talk things through properly now. I'm probably just clinging on to hope though.
Gottabestrong Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Dear Sari, wow, it sounds like we are in near identical situations. My ex, who I had been with for 6 months, dumped me 3 weeks ago, also from one moment to the next, clearly without planning and after I complained about him seeming distant and not in love with me anymore. He also apologized later, not for the breakup but for 'failing' at being my boyfriend. We are also both in our 30ies. Since then I have heard from him 3 times, he always keeps repeating that he still loves and misses me, but he makes no attempts to reconcile. One day after he broke up with me I asked him if we could get back together, but he never gave me a clear answer. My impression is that he feels bad about ending it and hurting me, but that he feels relieved that it is over because he had doubts in his mind for a while. I think your guy might be feeling similarly. But to answer your question: I think he texted you that because he feels bad about his behavior, but it does not sound to me like he wants to reconcile. However, you are the one who knows him and can best interpret the meaning of his text. I think the question is whether you are completely done with him and the relationship, or whether you still want to talk with him, at least to get some questions answered. If you can, maybe wait a few days to get more perspective on the situation and then decide if you want to reply to his text or not. Hugs and best wishes!
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