Ex contacted me out of the blue about a year later Part II

[JasonRules]

Well, I guess I lost the bet. My family was right. My ex contacted me again about 10 days after the strange texts she sent me almost a year later.

 

This time she wrote: "<my name> can you call me when you have a minute?"

 

She text me last night around 9PM. I replied this morning 12 hours later saying I'd call her after work, nothing more.

[AcaciaStrain]

Don't do it dude. Her relationship now has obviously failed. She's coming back for you, don't be that man. Don't even give her the light of day, she abandoned you let her suffer the consequence's.

[marqueemoon4]

I would consult with Admiral Ackbar before doing anything... he knows a trap when he sees one.

[AlexDP]

Well, I guess I lost the bet. My family was right. My ex contacted me again about 10 days after the strange texts she sent me almost a year later.

 

This time she wrote: "<my name> can you call me when you have a minute?"

 

She text me last night around 9PM. I replied this morning 12 hours later saying I'd call her after work, nothing more.

 

At first she was too proud to contact you directly. So she made a "mistake" and sent you a text intended for a friend. She thought you would have responded differently. You didn't so now she contacts you directly.

 

There is a lot happening here and none of it is any good. From my experience people who contact their ex in this way are not stable or emotionally healthy and probably develop a lot of toxic relationships.

 

I vote for enjoying the ego boost, but ignoring (and blocking) her texts and calls (which will come eventually, unless she finds someone else soon enough). Honestly, your ex makes me feel sick.

[JasonRules]

Don't do it dude. Her relationship now has obviously failed. She's coming back for you, don't be that man. Don't even give her the light of day, she abandoned you let her suffer the consequence's.

 

I think it's pretty obvious her relationship failed, but do not worry for there is nothing to "come back to". She gave me the proverbial "boot" in March 2011. I chased after her in vain. In the end, she told me she had a boyfriend and is in a relationship and to not bother her because her boyfriend is pissed we talk, that she is not the girl for me, and that she never loved me.

 

I accepted it, deleted her phone number and never bothered her, asked about her, or saw her. I even blocked her on FB so she couldn't even see my profile out of curiosity. Basically, I disappeared off the face of the earth. I saw her brother in the summer of 2011 and didn't bother to ask him about her at all.

 

And while I can forgive someone for doing what they did, I can never forget. Unfortunately for her, I have the memory of an elephant.

 

Of course we might be making something out of nothing, but I doubt she text me last night to ask me about working out or nutrition. She wants something, but I will give her the exact same thing she gave me - NOTHING

[JasonRules]

There is a lot happening here and none of it is any good. From my experience people who contact their ex in this way are not stable or emotionally healthy and probably develop a lot of toxic relationships.

 

Bingo...two engagements...both broken off by her. Her biological father abandoned her family when she was 4. She grew up without a father. He attempted to meet her many years after, but she hates and resents him. She refuses to have any kind of contact with him.

 

Her relationship with her mother is either hot or cold. The same applies with her brother. Her mother remarried many years later and she despises him as well.

[EgoJoe]

Text her at the last minute and cancel.

[wilsonx]

Please,

 

you are posting in the "Second Chance" Forum.

 

The rest of the responders are posting in the second chance forum telling you to tell her to go smoke pole.

 

Yawn, hypocrites will forever be hypocrites.

 

Either tell her you are not interested, or call her up and ask her what she wants. Quit playing games and grow up.

[EgoJoe]

Please,

 

you are posting in the "Second Chance" Forum.

 

The rest of the responders are posting in the second chance forum telling you to tell her to go smoke pole.

 

Yawn, hypocrites will forever be hypocrites.

 

Either tell her you are not interested, or call her up and ask her what she wants. Quit playing games and grow up.

 

He could be posting here 'cus her efforts were analgous to some sort of reconnection. I still think cancelling is a good idea. Too available for someone who is too passive.

[GaelicSoul]

JasonRules,

 

What do you want to get out of talking to her?

 

A. Reconciliation

B. Friendship

C. Answers/Closures

D. None of the Above.

Edited March 21, 2012 by GaelicSoul
N

[EgoJoe]

I am curious about the details, Jason.

[JasonRules]

JasonRules,

 

What do you want to get out of talking to her?

 

A. Reconciliation

B. Friendship

C. Answers/Closures

D. None of the Above.

 

The phone call was made yesterday afternoon. To answer your question; what I wanted was an apology and an acknowledgement of her mistakes. That's what I was looking for because to me that would be a sign that she's matured. Just like my other ex from 5 years ago who called me out of the blue and was crying like a baby, apologizing to me after all this time for treating me badly and hurting me.

[JasonRules]

Please,

 

you are posting in the "Second Chance" Forum.

 

The rest of the responders are posting in the second chance forum telling you to tell her to go smoke pole.

 

Yawn, hypocrites will forever be hypocrites.

 

Either tell her you are not interested, or call her up and ask her what she wants. Quit playing games and grow up.

 

Reason I posted it in this is because it doesn't belong in the "Break up" section since the break up happened over a year ago and she has established contact with me again. I never said that there is a possibility of a second chance, nor do I seek a second chance on my end. She might, but not me.

[JasonRules]

I am curious about the details, Jason.

 

Well I called her a couple minutes after I left work on my commute home. She picked up the phone and told me to wait a second because she had to run fast to her car to connect her phone to the charger because it might die due to the battery running low.

 

In any case, she asked me how I am. I said I'm good, how are you doing? She said she is good too. She said the reason she contacted me was because the other day she was transferring some songs to her iPod, my email came up and was asking her for my password. I had sent her some songs a couple years ago, but they were password protected from Apple and needed to be activated. In any case, she realized the email belonged to me and she said it was kind of odd that this happened because it made her think about me. She said she contacted me to find out the password, but that she later figured out how to solve the problem with the songs and her iPod.

 

That conversation lasted for maybe 2-3 minutes and then she says that she moved to a new suburb and that she no longer works at the cafe she used to, but instead works at a gym and that she's still going to nursing school etc. Then she asked me where I live and what's new with me, so I told her what's going on in my life.

 

She apologized for the texts she "accidentally" sent me last week and she said she doesn't know what happened.

 

I said: "Yea, who knows. Maybe you pressed the wrong entry since my name is probably just above your girlfriends name. No worries. At first I didn't know what this was because I had erased your phone number off my mobile a year ago", to which she said "Oh...", and then I said "But then I realized it can only be you since I only know you with this area code".

 

The tone of her voice did not sound like the way it used to during the breakup period. Her voice was affable, high pitched, she was curious, asking questions, was laughing, and said to me a couple times "Oh, I see you're still funny...".

 

In any case, the conversation lasted for 25 minutes and in the end she kept saying "Well I'm very glad to hear you're good and doing ok". I said "Yea, I'm doing fine, everything is good. Anyway, I'm almost home so I have to let you go". She said "Well it was nice to talk to you. Have a good day". I said "Thanks, you too".

 

And that was that. Personally, my gut feeling tells me this was a "guilt phone call". Perhaps she feels bad and guilty for what she did and just wanted to check up on me to see I am doing ok and am good in order to relieve herself of the guilt. So I don't think I'll be hearing from her again.

 

I've already deleted her phone and text entries from my mobile.

[EgoJoe]

I think your guess is accurate. It could have been more had you "chased" her but you're a man not a tool.

 

She has made two excuses now to talk to you which shows that she is still passive aggressive and that she can't own up to her underlying intent.

 

I'm thinking she will be rearing her head again since you played it super cool. She is not dateable. 29 and in nursing school? You can do wayyyyyyy better.

[JasonRules]

I think your guess is accurate. It could have been more had you "chased" her but you're a man not a tool.

 

She has made two excuses now to talk to you which shows that she is still passive aggressive and that she can't own up to her underlying intent.

 

I'm thinking she will be rearing her head again since you played it super cool. She is not dateable. 29 and in nursing school? You can do wayyyyyyy better.

 

Very true. I didn't think her reasoning for her asking me to call her was justified. My email popping up while she's trying to transfer songs to her iPod isn't really that important. Besides, she told me that she fixed the "problem" so she could have just text me saying "I'm good now with the iPod so you don't have to call", but she didn't.

 

As for rearing her head, I'm not so sure. I think this is the last I will hear from her because I believe this was just a call to relieve her own guilt and nothing more, but I can see where you're coming from.

 

She's 1 year away from 30, still needs many years to complete nursing school. Financially she's barely making it. The guy she had was probably a combination of playboy, player, irresponsible, no future, badboy, tool, douchebag, cheater, a-hole etc so she woke up one day and realized her clock is ticking very fast so who better to go back to? The handsome, educated, professional, responsible, polite, has his shvt together, and is serious about marriage, family, home guy (ie me).

 

In a way I kick myself in the rear for allowing myself to fall for her so hard almost to the point of dependency. Now of course, I don't have any feelings for her anymore and am in complete control of the situation. This was a very huge lesson for me. She has yet to learn the lesson, but I can guarantee you she will eventually. This will happen as soon as she realizes that I'm not the same person from 1-2 years ago. The guy who was soft as putty in her hands has become hard as a rock and cold as steel.

 

In my home country we have a proverb: "Women are like stamps. The more you spit on them, the more they stick". Looks like my ex might be just another stamp.

[marqueemoon4]

Women are like stamps. The more you spit on them, the more they stick". Looks like my ex might be just another stamp.

 

 

quoted for truth (unfortunately)

[gibson]

Your Ex sounds like she had G.I.G.S. for a very long time or got it much later than most.

 

I'm 40 and have had many an encounter with these special creatures. Around 30 or so, it's the "clock ticking", their "good time" friends have / are settling down, they don't get the "attention" they once did when they were in their prime, are on the downside of their looks (most burn the candle at both ends and don't age well) and they are very aware of the whole new crop of younger more attractive women behind them (which they hate with a passion).

 

Problem is... these women that go through G.I.G.S. longer or later than High School and College don't turn out all that well.

 

Most are screwed up beyond repair by the whole "bad boy" phase. They posses no self-esteem, self-worth and have no clue what love is. They are "addicted" to the drama, chaos, infatuation and think, feel and believe that is love. Even if they do end up wanting a "Nice" boy (which is rare) they screwed over, passed on, etc. while in G.I.G.S. they are only choosing you because of their desire for security. You will never blow their hair back like the "bad boys" did and they will always want and crave a "bad boy" deep down.

 

All you end up do is cleaning up their mess and paying for "crimes" that you did not commit (what the "bad boys" did to them) and it takes two bell boys to carry all their "baggage". They are broke, no career to speak of, in debt up to their eyeballs, no self-esteem or self-worth, have no clue what love is, drama, have no clue what intimacy is, their friends are awful, tons of "mileage", usually have drinking and drug problems and don't even get me started on how jealous and insecure they are, etc.

 

Of course this is not every women in her late 20's or early 30's. I'm talking about the ones that had G.I.G.S. for a long time or did it through the mid to late twenties.

 

Sounds to me like your Ex is one of these I am describing above. She will more than likely never want a guy like you and if and when she does, it's after she screwed up herself, her life so bad, you wouldn't recognize her or even want her. She will be "damaged" beyond repair.

 

It's honestly really sad to see someone "ruin" their life, their future, their happiness and self-destruct all for.... Nothing. Sure they are accountable for their bad choices and decisions but if you look at Society at Large... These women (and men) are told, push, persuaded, cheered, encouraged, etc. to live it up, be selfish, self-absorbed, instant gratification, grass is always greener, if it feels good, don't worry about the consequences, live for the moment, don't have morals, values, integrity, character, etc.

 

Look at the very women they idolize and how they turn out... Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Marilyn Monroe, Whitney Houston, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Murphy, etc. I could go on and on and on.

Edited March 21, 2012 by gibson

[GaelicSoul]

Your Ex sounds like she had G.I.G.S. for a very long time or got it much later than most.

 

I'm 40 and have had many an encounter with these special creatures. Around 30 or so, it's the "clock ticking", their "good time" friends have / are settling down, they don't get the "attention" they once did when they were in their prime, are on the downside of their looks (most burn the candle at both ends and don't age well) and they are very aware of the whole new crop of younger more attractive women behind them (which they hate with a passion).

 

Problem is... these women that go through G.I.G.S. longer or later than High School and College don't turn out all that well.

 

Most are screwed up beyond repair by the whole "bad boy" phase. They posses no self-esteem, self-worth and have no clue what love is. They are "addicted" to the drama, chaos, infatuation and think, feel and believe that is love. Even if they do end up wanting a "Nice" boy (which is rare) they screwed over, passed on, etc. while in G.I.G.S. they are only choosing you because of their desire for security. You will never blow their hair back like the "bad boys" did and they will always want and crave a "bad boy" deep down.

 

All you end up do is cleaning up their mess and paying for "crimes" that you did not commit (what the "bad boys" did to them) and it takes two bell boys to carry all their "baggage". They are broke, no career to speak of, in debt up to their eyeballs, no self-esteem or self-worth, have no clue what love is, drama, have no clue what intimacy is, their friends are awful, tons of "mileage", usually have drinking and drug problems and don't even get me started on how jealous and insecure they are, etc.

 

Of course this is not every women in her late 20's or early 30's. I'm talking about the ones that had G.I.G.S. for a long time or did it through the mid to late twenties.

 

Sounds to me like your Ex is one of these I am describing above. She will more than likely never want a guy like you and if and when she does, it's after she screwed up herself, her life so bad, you wouldn't recognize her or even want her. She will be "damaged" beyond repair.

 

It's honestly really sad to see someone "ruin" their life, their future, their happiness and self-destruct all for.... Nothing. Sure they are accountable for their bad choices and decisions but if you look at Society at Large... These women (and men) are told, push, persuaded, cheered, encouraged, etc. to live it up, be selfish, self-absorbed, instant gratification, grass is always greener, if it feels good, don't worry about the consequences, live for the moment, don't have morals, values, integrity, character, etc.

 

Look at the very women they idolize and how they turn out... Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Marilyn Monroe, Whitney Houston, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Murphy, etc. I could go on and on and on.

 

 

So eerie to read that post Gibson. It hit home on all front's for me. 14 months NC later

[Sugarkane]

Gibson- Please don't compare Marilyn Monroe to Patis Hilton! Marilyn was a legit actress and studied at The Actors Studio. She also started her own production company a huge thing at The time. When The Studio system was like my way or the highway. And Paris Hilton is just famous for being in a porno. She never did further study. Marilyn wasn't famous just because she was a famous persons daughter.

[TaraMaiden]

The phone call was made yesterday afternoon. To answer your question; what I wanted was an apology and an acknowledgement of her mistakes. That's what I was looking for because to me that would be a sign that she's matured. Just like my other ex from 5 years ago who called me out of the blue and was crying like a baby, apologizing to me after all this time for treating me badly and hurting me.

It's a type of emotional validation-cum-revenge then... gotcha...

 

My MO would be to simply ask, "what is it you want?" and shut up.

When when she's finished, just add - "you done? ok, you said your bit. Bye." and put the phone down.

 

That's if you even decide to talk to her.

Which, on past record, I would strongly advise against.

 

giving someone 'bad' attention is better than no attention at all, and you're feeding her ego. you obviously care enough about her to give her air time, so she knows there is still a way of getting to you and hurting you.

 

you really do need to just cut this off at the knees, and not engage with her at all, on any level.

she doesn't deserve it, and she should be out of your life, by now.

 

so if she isn't - you have to take a step back, and ask yourself this:

 

"I know continuing to give her room in my life is the wrong way to go. so -

what in me, is being fed by continuing this stupid game?"

 

Because you're doing this for a reason that makes something in you - feel better.

 

You're playing into this, and engaging in the mind games.

 

Tell me - how far are you prepared to go?

Till you're screwed up all over again?

[gibson]

Gibson- Please don't compare Marilyn Monroe to Patis Hilton! Marilyn was a legit actress and studied at The Actors Studio. She also started her own production company a huge thing at The time. When The Studio system was like my way or the highway. And Paris Hilton is just famous for being in a porno. She never did further study. Marilyn wasn't famous just because she was a famous persons daughter.

 

She still got involved into "the scene", dated "bad boys" (Kennedy Brothers, Marlon Brando, etc) and married 3 different "bad boys". She ended up committing suicide at the age of 36.

 

Her acting, production company, etc. or not... Her story is tragic.

[TaraMaiden]

not that I'm a mod or anything here... but this is going off-topic.....

[wilsonx]

She still got involved into "the scene", dated "bad boys" (Kennedy Brothers, Marlon Brando, etc) and married 3 different "bad boys". She ended up committing suicide at the age of 36.

 

Her acting, production company, etc. or not... Her story is tragic.

 

Just look at Chris Brown and Rhinanna ... and the gigs guy rebound DRAKE

[JasonRules]

It's a type of emotional validation-cum-revenge then... gotcha...

 

My MO would be to simply ask, "what is it you want?" and shut up.

When when she's finished, just add - "you done? ok, you said your bit. Bye." and put the phone down.

 

That's if you even decide to talk to her.

Which, on past record, I would strongly advise against.

 

giving someone 'bad' attention is better than no attention at all, and you're feeding her ego. you obviously care enough about her to give her air time, so she knows there is still a way of getting to you and hurting you.

 

you really do need to just cut this off at the knees, and not engage with her at all, on any level.

she doesn't deserve it, and she should be out of your life, by now.

 

so if she isn't - you have to take a step back, and ask yourself this:

 

"I know continuing to give her room in my life is the wrong way to go. so -

what in me, is being fed by continuing this stupid game?"

 

Because you're doing this for a reason that makes something in you - feel better.

 

You're playing into this, and engaging in the mind games.

 

Tell me - how far are you prepared to go?

Till you're screwed up all over again?

 

 

 

Tara,

 

I am not by any means feeding her ego. She's clearly made two attempts to reach out to me and while I did respond I did not give her what she was ultimately looking for.

 

She was probably expecting me to be all over her, excited, start to initiate phone calls, texts, and ultimately ask her to meet up at a cafe and catch up since she pointed to me that she now lives very close to me, but I didn't do any of these things. I spoke in a calm, almost monotone voice displaying zero excitement. I have never initiated any contact on my end, nor did I bother to ask her out. While I could just do as you say and cut her off, that's just not part of my nature. Eventually, if she hasn't gotten it already, she'll get the message that the train left the station a year ago.

 

It would be different if we had problems in our relationship which had become so great that she was "forced" to dump me. There were a few misunderstandings of the type "he said, she said" to which she blew everything out of proportion to such a degree that it made her seem ridiculous in my eyes and the eyes of others.

 

I could understand had I been a drug addict, alcoholic, physically/psychologically abusive, a jobless loser with no future, or a cheater that someone would want to end it. However, I am none of these things. In fact, I'm quite the opposite.

 

I don't know exactly the real reason she ended it with me, but truth probably is that she either got back with her ex or met someone new and slowly started drifting away. She wasn't sure of her position with the new guy, so she kept stringing me along until she could solidify her position with the other guy. Once she had solidified her position with the other guy, she pulled the plug entirely with me. The last time we spoke last year she said to me in plain English; "I am in a relationship. I am not the girl for you. We cannot talk anymore because my boyfriend get's angry. And I never loved you". To me when a woman gives herself to another man this ends any possibility of a future reconciliation. The thread is cut at that point entirely and because I am very disciplined I do not entertain thoughts of reconciliation. I can forgive someone for what they did, but there is no way I can forget what they did. The trust I felt for her is completely gone. No matter what she says or does, I simply do not trust her anymore.

 

The reason why she is finding reasons to contact me is because in all probability the guy she dumped me for whom she thought was much better than me, in every regard, wasn't. So now she has regret it because she realizes what she had with me was different. And she is back to try and fill the void brought on by the loss of the ex, but I will teach her a lesson she will always remember. That if you find someone who is special, you don't take them for granted and you learn to appreciate the things they do for you.

 

Life is a circle. Yesterday she was on top and I was on the bottom, but today I am on top and she is at the bottom. Karma knows everyone's number.