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Whole Trust, 1/2 Trust, No Trust?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

 
 
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Old 11th January 2004, 9:53 AM   #1
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Whole Trust, 1/2 Trust, No Trust?

Im really starting to re-think this whole "...'they'(they being the wayward spouse/SO) need to EARN your trust back"...

Being on LS for just under a month now, countless times I have heard this phrase, used it myself etc....but what does it mean exactly? How does a person EARN trust from someone else? Myself, I am begining to think this is impossible. Im begining to think that either you trust someone or you dont. Can you half trust them? Is there some type of point system I dont know about that I should be working with here? Or is it more of a "I trust them with this but not that" but even that isnt really trust is it?

I dont know if that makes sense to anyone else......doesnt completely make sense to me. It's just that.....love cannot live without trust.....so Im almos certain it cant live with half trust or three quarters trust either. It's really up to the betrayed person...they have to look within themselves and see if they are willing to once again give themselves over to the person they "love"............

Maybe Im just wrong? Who knows?
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We call them weak
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They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

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Old 11th January 2004, 10:20 AM   #2
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Quote:
Im really starting to re-think this whole "...'they'(they being the wayward spouse/SO) need to EARN your trust back"...

The problem with the "earn" metaphor is the simple assumption it makes about post-affair relationships; namely, that the betraying spouse cares enough or is sufficiently motivated enough to want to "earn" the betrayed spouse's trust back. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Life, and relationships, are just too complicated.

Some cheaters feel remorse and do subscribe wholeheartedly to regaining trust--they're the "good" bad boys. They want the marriage to survive, and will work hard to regain trust.

Other cheaters do not feel remorse, want out of their marriage in the worst way and don't even pretend to want to want "earn" trust back--they're the "bad" bad boys. They just don't care.

Then they're guys who cheat, feel remorse , are partially motivated to get their marriage back on track but feel somewhat estranged emotionally from their spouses --they're the "mixed-up" bad boys. These guys prefer that time heal any rupture, and do not want to be reminded that they must earn their betrayed spouse's trust back. They will change their behavior but will resent you for reminding them that they must earn your trust. That attitude if pushed to far may, in fact, depending on the extent of marital estrangement, push them out the door.

In which case, no one will have "earned" anything except despair.

Last edited by bark; 11th January 2004 at 10:27 AM..
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Old 11th January 2004, 10:28 AM   #3
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It's really up to the betrayed person...they have to look within themselves and see if they are willing to once again give themselves over to the person they "love"............

Maybe Im just wrong? Who knows?


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Hi Hurting,

I don't think you are wrong. It is up to the betrayed person and that takes time.

I was betrayed also, not in a marriage though, but it hurt just the same. What I learned was to readjust my expectations of the relationship...what I mean is, he no longer was "my everything"...

I am not telling people how to conduct their relationships, but I will no longer give every ounce of my soul and being over to a significant other...I have seen some healthy marriages that are still going strong and it appears to me that both spouses really like as well as love one another but remain individuals..Haven't seen the melting into you syndrome with them

I personally was over the top...and lost myself in the process...but figured out why this happened and it had alot to do with my insecurities....(not his cheating...I am not sure if I can take full blame for that, but my being so obsessed with this guy didn't help)...

Needless to say I am no longer with him...My decision not his.


I know you have heard this before, but one day at a time miss..


Time and intention to keep the marriage together will help alot I imagine.
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Old 11th January 2004, 10:41 AM   #4
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Hurting,

I think you are on your own right track. Only you as the betrayed person can know deep down if you will ever 'really' forgive him. You really need to know why he did it and why he didn't love you enough at the time to try and work both your problems through, before going with another person.

It obviously hurt you a lot ( it would if it happened to me ), thus in the end only you will know if he is sincere in his explanation and if you love him enough to try and let him regain your trust.

I personally woud not seek the arms of any woman while in a relationship (marriage or otherwise). If it crossed my mind in any way, then I would know that something is wrong in my current relationship. Trouble is, I am old fashioned and have old fashioned values. I would try and work at the problems in the relationship before running away.

Don't take anybodies advice as gold, only you will know eventually what you want to happen.

If it does hurt a lot though (as it seems to), then you have to ask yourself do you love him and trust him enough to stay or is it because you are scared of being on your own that you are staying.

Regards
Alan
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