What do I do with this mess?

[someonesbear]

Firstly, I've been lurking for a few weeks. This community has been super helpful. Thanks to everyone who posts here. Just knowing other people are going through something similar to your own situation helps numb the pain a bit!

 

My situ:

 

We broke up a little more than two months ago. She was the dumper. We dated for a bit more than four years. We lived together for three and a half of those. Both 25. Complicated situation surrounding the break up - my family decided they didn't like her, and told me this while we were living with them (temporary transition situation as we moved from the college town to the bigger city). She moved to her dad's house, and six agonizing weeks later, she dumped me (right after moving me into an apartment in the city we had been trying to leave). During the fiasco, my dad got me a job with his company, which I stupidly took for the pay.

 

Naturally, I was wrecked. Things were difficult during the last few months, and both of us could feel the situation getting out of hand. She has been adamant about her motivations: re-establishing herself and her personal goals outside of a relationship, proving that she can take care of herself without needing any assistance (I come from a more privileged background, she has lots of student debt, so I was always the one who made sure things got paid). I tried to get her to reconsider, but when she made it clear she was committed to this course, I decided instead to support her.

 

Within the first few weeks of the breakup, I made two major decisions.

 

First, my family was way too involved in every aspect of my life. I have always been close and extremely trusting of them. I've also been way too reliant on their generosity (graduating into a **** economy did not help that tendency). Their words and actions toward her were completely out of line. And the job my dad got me was yet another way for them to pull strings in my life. That had to stop.

 

Second, I couldn't stay in the old town. Opportunity is hard to find in a college town. The memories were too much. I wanted a fresh start away from my family. And most importantly I wanted her back, and she was in a different city - long distance was not going to be helpful if I wanted to fix this.

 

I took action, and took it fast. Three weeks after the breakup, I terminated the lease on my apartment, quit my job, called a friend in the new city to arrange some couch surfing, and found a temporary refuge for my cat. I decided to move on a Thursday night. I was done Saturday.

 

My relationship with the family is pretty well charred at this point. I'm at peace with this. We will reconcile one day, but this is my time to step out from their shadow and establish myself. They need to accept that the result of their actions toward me and her is a lack of contact.

 

Where I am now:

 

After about six weeks on my buddy's couch, I moved into a new place of my own. I had a fair amount of contact with her during the first month - we talked to or saw each other a few times a week. We went to a concert and a movie, and I did Thanksgiving with her and her family. A few weeks back, though, I went to a shindig at her place and it was weird. Against all wisdom, I poured my heart out to her as I left (again, I should say - I've done this at least 3 times since we split, and I think I'm even more tired of doing it than she is tired of hearing it). She re-iterated her need for time and space. I told her I wouldn't bug her for a while and left.

 

Time apart seemed to be helping. She texted me a week after, and I waited to respond until the next day, and didn't let it become a long exchange. Mostly, I didn't want to be the person who sent the last message. I'm a little tired of being the desperate one, I guess. I got a lot accomplished in the two weeks following her party, primarily getting off my buddy's couch and gettting an apartment of my own. I made some strides in the psychological department too. The pain has dimmed, my ability to make it through the day without major mood swings and depressive cycles is much improved. I've recognized that I have a lot going for me, and lot to look forward to, and some major personal change to get used to. During the first month or so, I couldn't go 30 seconds without thinking of her. I was useless. Now, I'd say I can make it five or ten minutes - more if I'm doing something fun and engaging. Progress, right?

 

She contacted me again last week to ask about my new place. I told her she was welcome to come by any time, and she did on Sunday. And she didn't just drop by - she was over here for more than nine hours. We did everything we did as a couple before the breakup, minus the romantic stuff. It was nice, despite the underlying pain. Monday, she came over after work and spent the evening helping me pick up furniture and move it in. And Tuesday, she spent the whole evening with me for my birthday. She invited me to do as much as I wanted to with her for Christmas. All of this was rather overwhelming after a few weeks of almost zero contact. Wonderful and painful all at once.

 

The wild card element:

 

I've deliberately described the situation in the terms I have because it reflects "my side" of the breakup. It reflects the things I should know, and nothing more. But unfortunately, there's another aspect to this story that makes it more painful, more confusing, and more difficult. It's the other guy.

 

She met him this time last year while working on a film project. This past summer, the film was completed, and a party was thrown in celebration. She and I went, and so did he. Afterwards, she sent him a Facebook message conveying that it was nice to see him, and that he'd made a guest appearance in her dreams. He responded coyly. Naturally, I wasn't supposed to see this. I wasn't snooping, either - I'm not that guy. I opened her laptop to look something up and she had not closed the window with the exchange. We'd been together for nearly four years at this point, and I trusted her. It hurt, but you can't control another person, and trying to will drive them away. Plus, I've dealt with temptation myself in the relationship. A lot.

 

Obviously, I'm not supposed to know about that exchange. Our final phone bill came and I saw that in the weeks following our split, she'd been texting him nonstop. I'm not a fool. Given this info, I realized that breaking up with me may have been partially about the family thing, partially about issues between us, and partially about her need for independence. But really - it was about him. The bad stuff happening with me gave her the nudge she needed to cut things off and go try someone else out.

 

At this point, I assume things aren't working out between them. Why else would I be in the picture the way I am? She is maintaining a pretty constant and strong connection with me (at least compared to most broken up couples I've known). That makes me feel like the safety net. I am sure she is conflicted and confused. I'm sure that my moving down to the big city and changing so much so quickly was not expected, and made it harder to cut me off and cut me out. I don't want to be second fiddle, or the backup boyfriend. But I do love her, and I have the capacity to forgive other people's mistakes. I've always felt like we had what it took to last, and as awful as this situation has been, I still feel that way. I guess I have a high threshold for emotional pain, but I attribute it to a deep love for her. And an ability to be honest and realistic even when it hurts.

 

But I'm exhausted trying to decipher her words and actions. I've been trying to figure things out for more than two months, and I think I can safely say I've figured out everything I have any chance at understanding. I want to be careful not to read too much into anything she says or does. I want to respect her need for space, time, and self-determination. I'm hurt and angry about being dropped for someone else and then being given a huge dose of mixed signals. I guess greener pastures tend to taste a lot worse than people expect. But I don't want to miss out on a chance to repair things with my soul mate. Being friends is fine, and better than losing the person who knows me best completely from my life. But I love her and want her back, flaws and all. We've made mistakes, both of us, and getting past mistakes, even the big ones, is a major part of a solid relationship. Prior to August, we were rock solid.

 

So, what the heck do I do with this mess? Ditching her from my life completely just isn't an option. It doesn't jive with who I am and how I handle problems. Some have told me to do this, and I just don't have it in me to be that way. Should I be angrier than I am? Is forgiving her okay? I don't know if we are on course to fixing things in the near future or long term - should I even want to? The girl is my best friend, and my soul mate. She and I continue to tell one another we love each other every time we see one another. My "plan" so far has been sit back, be yourself, and let things happen as they will. But one's mentality has a lot to do with how things play out.

 

Sorry for the epic novel length post. Thanks in advance to anyone who actually read this!

[AZGarnethawk]

Wow long read but good one!

 

First I think there is not one woman in the wolrd who would being lying if they said they did not want someone to feel this way about them.

 

Now to the hard stuff and here we go....How long do you plan on being there for her without her being there for you? How long is going to be acceptable for her to be in your life and toying with your heart? These are things you have got to ask yourself.

 

People are telling you to let her go and everything inside of you screams no! Not going to happen! You want to sit back and let things happen as they will. And there is nothing wrong with that, but how long is to long? Only you can answer this for yourself.

 

My suggestion is to set up short-term and long-term goals. But you have to be stick to those. if short-term is remaining her friend because you want her to remain in your life, then by all means sit back, but you have to long-term set up a time that this is no longer acceptiable. You love her she loves you, but she is talking with another man. The problem is emotionally how deep has this connection become? Someone can love you and not be in love with you. You have to consider all of this.

 

If she wants to talk and hang out then the best thing to do is hang out in netural settings. Not at your place or hers. Don't involve her to deeply in your life this just gives an impression that you will always be there for her. And if you will be as a friend then that boundry needs to be setup.

 

My advice: set-up a three to six month goal. That is the cut off when you sit her down and its either all or nothing but friends but none of the mixed signals business. Make plans with co-workers and friends and under no circumstance break them for her or invite her. You need to open your life to other people. Make plans with her as a friends if you would like, but like I said keep it away from homes. Have dinner, a movie, mall, maybe a drive, but do not go to her place and keep her out of yours.

 

The reason: You could be setting yourself up for some massive pain if she has truely moved you to the friend list and wants nothing romanticlly with you. Women like to hang on to old friends and even old loves for the friendship factor. What used to work may not for her anymore. Be prepared for her not to come back and if she does then it is a bonus, but don't sit around waiting. Live your life to the fullest and invite her in only as a friend if something more is to come of it you will know in 3-6 months. And if by that time you are still confused sit down and talk to her. And if she still needs time and space then it is time for you to let go and walk away. You can remain friends, but it would be better to be fair weather friends rather than close details about each other's lives.

[Eddie Edirol]

Dude, you want to forgive her for her mistakes and flaws, but what she did wasnt mistakes and flaws. She deliberately made interest in someone else, and dumping you for him wasnt a flaw in her personality, she WANTED to do it. If she dumped you, that means she was talking to him months before. She gave up on you a long time ago, and that flame doesnt come back once its blown out. She knows you well, thats exactly why she wont come back to you permanently.

 

You may think youre soulmates, but she doesnt think that. She would have stuck with you through all the crap if she thought so. But she didnt, she stuck with the new guy while you were fighting for her honor to your folks.

 

She never gave you mixed signals when you first started dating, so you know that any signals that arent definitive are non-signals. So now that it didnt work out with the new guy, she gets to string you along. Thats what mixed signals are, stringing. She is using you as the safety net, and not even to date, just as a buddy. The only way to make her fall in love with you again is through jealousy, but that wont work for long for someone who justified dumping you in the first place.

 

She is using you to be a buddy until she can find a replacement for the new guy. She dumped you for him because she thought he was an upgrade, and since she came looking for you, that means he dumped her. Now she will be looking for an upgrade from him, so going back to you is a double downgrade, get it?

[Zella]

Being in a similar situation, I went the route of not being friends. We dated for four years and were going to get married. When he broke up he said he wanted me in his life as friends. I agreed. First day I didn't talk to him and I thought that was ok since we were just friends. After seeing him and getting mixed signals, I called him to talk. He said he was busy and could not pick up. Of course I was hurt. His definition of friendship was very different from mine. He still felt like he had the power to make me feel bad for not hanging out with him on his schedule (this was a mixed signal that he wanted to hang out with me). After going through this, I realized that being friends just hurt me more. Every time he would not respond to a text message, or not call, or not call back. It just hurt. And on top of everything, now I know he was busy with some other girl when I called. That image is so disturbing. Why would I want that image in my head every single day?? Therefore I said I didn't want to be friends with him now. At least an old image can fade, but if you get new ones every day, you will never move on.

Don't get me wrong, having him completely out of my life is not easy at all. But I feel like besides preparing to actually see them together, or hearing he got married, I don't have to live seeing it every day.

Being friends only makes you suffer more. I hate not being able to talk to him, and I don't know if this is the right path, but common sense tells me I will be over him sooner (if ever) if I have him out of my life completely.

Hope that outlook helps, but really, it's up to you what you do.

Good luck

[9Lives]

why can't u just tell her u know she been talking to someone else and u feel like this has a lot to do with this issue? you need to know what's up. all this soulmate one sided stuff is going to get u burnt if she is just chilling with u temporarily. been there done that. since she is coming around so much ask her what's up with the dude. don't be weak cause u think u will lose her. it might be that u already have and just don't know it. people do that ****.