My Estranged "Soul-Mate"

[germandude]

This may be a little lengthy, so apologies in advance, I just need some advice.

 

Long story short, I'm bisexual (I hope that's okay here) and had never been in a serious relationship until last fall. I met this guy in late August and we instantly hit it off and I asked him out in mid-September. We were each other's first real relationships. Apparently he was txting two younger guys he met online who lived in other states and they believed they were dating him but he promised to get rid of them and did.

 

Things were great that first month. We communicated every day and hung out every weekend. We seemed like a perfect match. We are both in college (he lives on campus and i do online classes since I work full-time) with him living an hour away and going to school two hours away but we discussed it and distance did not seem to be an issue since he always came home and I was up for driving to visit him also. I had a car-wreck and was without a car for all of September and October so it was up to him for the first bit.

 

Then in October, he spent the whole month up at his school and didn't come see me once. He even bailed on plans to go to a Halloween attraction together. It irked me and he knew it but he finally said he'd come see me the first weekend of November and spend the night at my apartment. He came but went home after a few hours because he was so homesick to see his grandparents he lives with. We had an argument about it with him leaving before resolving it.

 

I tried to meet up with him later that weekend but he refused all my attempts. We talked it out over the phone and online and basically agreed that we would go see each other twice a month and it seemed to be resolved. He came the next weekend and spent the night.

 

Things were okay for a couple weeks with us going back and forth hanging out. Then he tried to bail on seeing me on my birthday but eventually we compromised and he came. In December we were both on Christmas break so we had more opportunities to hang out.

 

By this point I began seriously noticing the way he would flirt with other guys online and even though I knew it was nothing serious it still bothered me.

 

Early January came and we had plans for a sleepover Jan 2nd which he tried breaking New Years Eve with me. This was about the tenth time since we had been dating he had broken plans with me while I had kept all of mine with him. We argued about it and he eventually did come and spend the night. I made it clear if plans kept being broken I wouldn't have any choice but to break up with him since he wasn't putting the same level of effort into this relationship as I was.

 

That night was horrid. He kept pulling the homesick card, telling me he was on his "man-period" and shouldn't be forced to stay here. He admitted to me he was talking to both of the guys he had previously led to believe he was dating and while they both knew about me (one wanted him back, one didn't), I wasn't comfortable with it and made it clear. It was a violation of trust to bring them back into the whole thing. Also one of the other guys he was flirting with (from Texas) called him while he was at my place and they spent half an hour talking and it happened again the next day. We almost broke up that night but he ended up staying the night and we had a very pleasant day the next day with him promising to see me one more time in the next week before going back to school.

 

That week went by and he never came so the day before he was supposed to go back I asked him when he was coming and he tried to back out of it so I broke up with him. He spent the evening begging me back and I eventually caved after agreeing to compromise with him coming for a few hours the next day and then me spending the next weekend at his school and him spending the weekend after with me.

 

The next day before he came he met up with a guy at the mall and told me about it expecting my pity that it was a disappointment. He said he was going to make me "jealous" by bringing the guy to see me. I don't know why but I let it go at the time. He came and we had a good time hanging out and the next weekend I kept my end of the deal to spend the weekend with him. Again, we had fun. He met up with a second guy around this time that was another letdown.

 

But two days after I came home he told me he wasn't coming to see me that weekend and didn't want to break up or see other people but needed space. We argued about it and I ended up breaking up with him telling him he could have all the space he wanted that way. We got back together that weekend with him telling me he had messed up and he promised to come the next weekend and get rid of the guys he had been flirting with from his various online sites and his life but a couple days later it hadn't happened so we had another fight and broke up again.

 

We didn't really talk for a few weeks until early February when I broke down and drove up to see him. It was snowing so I drove through the snow both ways and nearly wrecked. He was mad that I surprised him but we tried talking things out and he refused to make any effort basically and he left me in my car in the snow crying at his school.

 

We had no further contact until Valentines day and told me he was going to do whatever it took to get me back and after telling him what I wanted to happen (spend the weekend, get rid of the guys, show he'd changed and committed) he agreed and he said "I guess you can consider us back together then."

 

The next day he hadn't deleted the stuff I asked and then he told me he got a job at the movie theater and was supposed to start this weekend. This was after I told him to make it clear he had plans that weekend and couldn't start until the week after. I then told him to just come after work both nights to see me but he refused and told me he wasn't deleting the stuff because I wouldn't be satisfied anyways. So we broke up again.

 

Now he we are in March. It seems like every week or so one of us initiates contact and we both claim to love and want each other (we've even discussed how we think we might be soul-mates) but he refuses to do anything really always claiming he'll do stuff "next weekend" but never now. I've made clear each time I expect him to delete the dating sites he uses and get rid of the guys and come see me right then because I want action to show he's seriously changed but he refuses always giving me some excuse that doesn't make it right (usually busy or "idk"). I don't think I should budge on him coming to visit me because if he wanted me he would come see me right then and stop with the flirting and dating sites. I just need those issues addressed before I could get back with him.

 

I just don't get it. I believe if you want something badly enough you make it happen and that you are in charge of your own life and you do what you want because you don't have to do anything.

 

Last night he contacted me and we went back and forth with the usual stuff. He told me he loved me and missed me and didnt want anyone else. He'd been on a date with a guy and it went badly. I have been out with a few people but I still love and want him and I believe he loves me (maybe not enough?). I told him I didn't care about our past issues, I just wanted him to delete the stuff and come see me then and he refused to do either thing right away. He called me immature saying I react on impulse and he reacts on rationality. He said that I want him to drop everything for me and that he'd like to but can't because he's held back. He also said he'd always want me even if I didn't let him have me.

 

I am leaning towards he just isn't mature enough / ready for a committed genuine relationship yet (he's 19, i'm 20). But I don't know what I can do at this point. I told him I've done all I can really. It kills me for him to say he loves me and wants me but refuses to do anything. I'd do anything for him and I just expect the same in return. I never ask anything that is not doable even if I'd like more. He's told me recently he wishes we could put "us" on hold until after college because things are too hectic. (I work 45 hours a week and go to school full-time, yet somehow have the time for a relationship he doesn't? Goes back to the whole if you want something you make the time imo) He flirts with these online guys he has no intentions of seeing because it's a self-esteem boost I think but I don't understand what they give him I couldn't.

 

I want him more than anyone but I want a 100% committed, mature, monogamous relationship where promises are gold unless there's an emergency, and there isn't any flirting or cheating. Is that so much to ask? I'm just not sure where to go from here. I love the boy but I don't see what else could come out of it.

 

I don't plan on initiating any further contact and I have a few possibilities as far as future relationships but I'm worried if I pursue them he might pop up and tear my heart up. I can also see a future day where we meet again and get back together. Is that wrong? Does anyone have any advice? Thanks!

Edited March 15, 2010 by germandude

[germandude]

In the interest of getting replies from those who might be disuaded by my initial posts length, here's a condensed version:

 

* He's 19, I'm a few months older and 20.

* He's an on-campus college student, I work full time and live on my own while doing college online.

* We dated for half a year with us fighting heavily near the end over him flirting with (via txt/internet), leading on, and even meeting up with (nothing happened) other guys. Plus he kept making plans (usually his ideas) and breaking them with shallow excuses of being busy, homesick, needing space, man-period, making other plans with friends after plans with me and not being able to keep our plans, etc.

* I broke up with him although it was more of an ultimatum for him to stop the flirting and stop breaking plans and he refused.

* We've spent the last two months going back and forth with each of us initiating contact at various times pronouncing our mutual love (I believe he loves me) and desire for each other and want to get back together, going as far as to say we will always want one another and might be soul-mates if there is such a thing.

* However he constantly refuses to do delete the flirting/dating sites on the spot and come see me the same day he makes contact. There is always a flimsy excuse involved (usually his life being hectic yet I should be way busier than him). He has agreed in the past then a few days later outright refused after leaving me waiting on action from him. I'm not up for delays anymore.

* His refusal causes me to believe he doesn't care / want me bad enough and our communication breaks down into an argument or just a that's not acceptable. I believe if you want something badly enough you make the time for it. He says he loves and wants me and doesn't want to be apart, yet his actions seem to tell another story. He's suggested before he doesn't understand why we can't put "us" on hold until after college (2 years) or why I'm not okay with only seeing him when it's convenient for him (basically turning me into a boyfriend of convenience and txt messages) even though I've always kept my plans when it's my turn to visit him.

 

I have no desire for anything less than total commitment from him and a real, mature relationship. However I really don't want to be without him. I've made it clear I have no interests in just being friends with him because of how badly he treated me as a boyfriend. I've basically been doing no contact until he contacts me or I really miss him and want to see if things are different. He knows that if he's ready to do what I've asked, I want him and to start over. I genuinely think we might be meant to be together...What do I do? Thanks!

[germandude]

Does anyone have any advice? I hate asking so much, I just really could use some direction here. He tried contacting me Monday night (a silly txt that meant nothing) and ignored it.

 

I've since deleted all the questionable sites I don't like him being on since it was pointed out I'm a hypocrite for wanting him to get off sites I still have profiles on.

 

Just not sure where to go from here.

[JaneDoe35]

Hey, your relationship is relatively new in the scheme of things. And already it is seriously complicated and causing you stress. I do not think you are 'meant to be together' - at least not now. Take a complete break from this guy. He cannot commit fully to you. You are both very young. I am not saying you can't meet the love of your life at this age but it is just not working. I know it is difficult but I feel you need to let him go his own way. He may come back one day but you might not want him then. Good luck & take care.

 

JD

[germandude]

Thanks for the reply JaneDoe! What you're saying is very true. I just love the kid. I see now we're on two totally different levels maturity and commitment wise but I do love him (and always will) so its tough to do that. I know I wasn't just infatuated with him because that went away around Novemberish but the deeper feelings of love remain. Every day of NC is difficult but I guess it should be.

 

Does anyone have any insight on why he keeps making contact wanting to fix things, knowing what I expect to show some change (delete the flirting sites & come see me right away) yet refuses to actually do anything when it comes down to it?

Edited March 17, 2010 by germandude

[JaneDoe35]

Hi again - my husband of almost 14 years left and is now living with a 21 year old married woman. She left her husband too. I am 35, he is 34. He still does all that ridiculous contact stuff, telling me he loves me, wants to be intimate, cries when he visits our daughter, sends messages - 'I miss you'. I could go on and on!!!

 

I have no idea why he does this. I do not analyse him anymore. I just look at the facts.

 

I know you love him but please stay no contact. I would if I could. But we have a 9 year old daughter....so can't be completely no contact. I do limited contact and am slowly healing.

 

It is hard - but you need to think about you.

[germandude]

Thanks for the continued support! I couldn't imagine being in your position JaneDoe. It must take a lot of strength to be able to deal with coming into contact with your husband at all.

 

I almost drove up to see him today on a whim thinking maybe if he saw me he would realize I'm right and do love him and want him and just need him to show me some change and effort. Luckily, I decided not to. There really is nothing to be accomplished by doing that I think. At best I'll see him once last time and get broken up over it and at worst, it could go really badly.

[JaneDoe35]

Hi again, you are right - it is very difficult to remain strong. I have a beautiful daughter and incredible family & friends. I am supported so much. All this helps me stay strong!!!

 

Don't give in to any urges to contact him. Think about the worst possible things he could say to you and imagine how you would feel. I know you already feel bad but dont let pain be heaped on top of pain, if that makes any sense!!!!

 

You appear to be an intelligent, loving & honourable guy. If he is not ready to grab you with two hands and not let go - his loss.

[NeptunedN]

It sounds like he does like you, but considering you're both so young, he has no intention of fully committing to you.

 

As long as he can have his cake and eat it, he wants to keep you around as his 85% guy, but fill that 15% with a variety of others. So instead of being flattered that you're his first pick, you are wanting to be his only pick, which interferes with his selfish intentions.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this but you should move on from him, or at least take a long break until he's ready to grow up and commit (although, it sounds like he has no intentions or desire to head in that direction right now).

 

As much as it hurts, let him go or you are in for a bumpy ride of half-truths, disrespect, flakey verbal assurances, etc. He will tell you what you need to hear in the moment to get you to quit your "griping" but enough to keep you around until you've have enough of this back and forth and you feel crazy. Find someone who is willing to fully commit to you as much as you are to them.

[germandude]

Thanks for the reply! You are right there. We are both young and he really isn't ready for the level of commitment I want now. I've got an update. Sorry I write so much I put a lot of thought into everything.

 

I broke down and went up to see him Thursday. I just wanted closure, something I really don't know. We drove around talking for about an hour then came back to his school and just hung out for a bit. I should've left after the drive but wanted to soak up as much time with him as I could.

 

We drove my car to get lunch before he had to go to class and he surprised me in the parking deck by telling me he wanted to fix things and pretty much listed off everything I wanted him to do saying he'd do them. He also indicated he only flirts with these guys and online because he's lonely and if we got back together that would change and he's changing.

 

His best friend (really nice girl) surprised us in the parking deck so we didn't get to finish our conversation. In the cafeteria eating lunch, a friend of mine (who happens to be gay) called me and when he found out where I was asked to speak to my ex for a minute. I gave him the phone and he took it then hung up on my friend.

 

That really bothered me and was childish of him. I told him that and he didn't seem to care. His best friend came back to the table and sat down and she noticed the tension. She inquired which led to my ex making fun of my friend in conversation with his best friend, calling him a gay slut (which is not the least bit true and he knew it - We'd talked about that before). I indicated to both of them that my friend was not a slut at all and that is really rude as well as hypocritical, but he continued with the insults.

 

I asked him again to please call back and he refused on the way out to my car. I gave them a ride to class and as they were about to get out I said "What you did was really rude. You know the truth is *myfriend* has proven himself to be a really good friend and he's the least slutty gay guy I know...including the ones in this car."

 

He reacted by only saying "are you trying to insult me?" at which point his best friend excused herself saying she was leaving us alone to talk this out. She wasn't the least bit shocked, she's his best friend after all and hung out with the two of us enough to get plenty of hints we were more than friends. He then repeated the same statement twice more and got out of the car, slammed the door and walked away.

 

Since then he's told me that he's never been so mad at anyone at his life, that I could've ruined his life. He said if I was looking to hurt him and go out with a bang, I did it and that he can't be with someone who has no regard for his life and would be so malicious and that he's lost all interest in me because of how I reacted even if he was being rude towards my friend. He told me he'd "never do something so malicious" and he's "a very mean person so that's saying a lot".

 

I know it was immature and a rash reaction and I knew what I was saying but he's blown this way, way out of proportion. I chose the time and place to say that carefully. I didn't say it in the cafeteria full of people or outside. I said it in my car with only his best friend to overhear. It was my last chance to confront him in person about it since I was heading home and he might've backed out on his promise to come visit.

 

I apologized a lot and said a lot of things I am embarrassed about now to try to get him to put this in the past and forgive me. His telling me he isn't interested in me anymore makes me think he a) didn't truly love me and b) was looking for an excuse that would give him an out with him being he victim and once I gave him one he ran with it. I was willing to forgive him for all the hurtful things he's done to me but I make one mistake and that's it? You don't go from loving someone to wanting nothing to do with them in a day. Yes, I messed up by sinking to his level but I'm human, I make mistakes and I do feel horrible for it.

 

I should've kept No Contact. Now I feel like I've muddied the waters and at worst ruined something good. He was rude and immature but I reacted by being immature also. I guess we probably never would've had a real non-secret relationship on his side if even the thought of his best friend knowing he is gay (when he's told me she wouldn't care at all) is "ruining" his life -- There was no harm done. (That's the one thing this showed me and I think real commitment is very hard if no one knows you're in a relationship. )

 

I only said it in front of his best friend because I knew it wouldn't change anything with them in a bad way and because his gay bashing was bothering me so much. She's the only person I would've said that to because I consider her a friend and I've always felt she knew it anyways. It wasn't my place but I actually thought it might do some good to get that in the open so he can be honest with his best friend and not hide and talk to all these guys to express this part of himself.

 

I guess now there really is nothing left to try or do, huh? I'll admit I'm having the thought of contacting him in a few months to see if things are different then but I doubt it'll do any good. If he realizes he threw away something good and wants me he'll contact me to make amends?

Edited March 20, 2010 by germandude

[gtrplayer]

Hi there... I honestly don't mean to be "mean" at all...but I just keep things very real.

 

Much of the advice given is right on target with what my opinion is. Of which is pretty simple.

 

1. You are super young and WAY too early in this deal to have such drama

2. He WILL never commit... that is the "one" thing you can be sure of

3. 7 years from now, he will NOT be in your life...

 

Just enjoy life and live it.

[germandude]

Thanks for the reply gtrplayer! It's hard to say but I think going back up and seeing him was the right thing because I am feeling like I got the most closure I am going to get. I see zero point in initiating contact and while he's still on my mind most of the time, I see I've done all I can.

 

I'm by no means implying I'm perfect or don't have a lot of my own problems but seeing him and having the fallout we did made me really see that he has to mature on his own and accept himself for he can commit or date anyone and treat them right, let alone me. He's so ashamed and afraid of friends/family/classmates "knowing" he is homosexual that he really couldn't give real commitment to anyone. I'm not saying he should flaunt it but if me implying he's gay is enough to make him say I "could've ruined" his life and him using it as an excuse to make me the villain (when I even apologized and it was the first real "mistake"/hurtful thing I've done to him) in this when he's done so many things wrong himself just highlights how not ready he is right now to date anyone.

 

I'm not saying I don't love him, or wish I could be with him but I'm not overly depressed over it. I regret what happened but even if I had let go what he said about my friend, the same thing would've happened eventually.

[germandude]

Well five days NC and he kinda broke it and I couldn't bring myself to not reply. He posted a missed connection on craigslist about me calling me his first love, saying I was everything he ever wanted in a guy, that he loved my personality and humor and intelligence and that he knows he was my first love too.

 

He then said I complimented him but "the whole time I never felt like you wanted me and you could have done better. I know that isn't true, but I feel like I need to move on to someone that could give me more physical attention. I need to be held, I need the love that I never received in life. After we tried to patch things up, things just got worse. The things you said made me loose all respect and trust for you, that being as stubborn as I am I could never reconcile. I just want to wait for someone else, and see if I can correct the things I did wrong in our relationship. I will give more time, and hopefully things will work out. I sincerely hope you find someone else too. I really do."

 

I was devastated and called him, left him a voice-mail (professing my love and apologizing over and over for what happened in our visit last week) then sent him an email spilling my heart to him making it abundantly clear how much I wanted him and I wanted him to put that one thing in the past and start over and how it seems like a waste to say he wants to start over with someone else and if we were to start over I never would do anything to betray his trust again (like I apparently did by implying in front of his best friend that he was gay even though I am certain she already knew) and I'd work hard to rebuild it. He just txted me saying "we aren't getting back together" in a way that made me see that he never really understands anything I say.

 

Now that I've slept on it, I find him genuine and not at the same time like there are bits of truth in there but he was kind of just trying to justify his actions and come out feeling like he's doing the right thing. If he really cared he wouldn't be trying to place blame or move on when he knows despite everything I still love and want him.

 

It just doesn't make sense.

 

If he doesn't initiate further contact I am going to do my best to get over him and move on. I've made it so clear how I feel and that if he decides I'm worth it he can contact me. I've made a fool of myself but I don't care. I just hate how immature he's acted and how he seems to want to make me feel insanely guilty and place blame on me so he can justify ending things. To be honest I'm kind of disgusted by his immaturity that has become abundantly clear as of late. It's not that I don't want him, just like the rose-colored classes are coming off.

 

If anyone has any insight into this I'd really appreciate it. (Sorry if I sound really pathetic posting here over and over. It just makes no sense to me.)

 

Thanks!

Edited March 24, 2010 by germandude

[germandude]

I'm actually considering going to see him after work today. Can someone please tell me why I should or shouldn't?

 

Here are my pros and cons for it:

Pros:

I *might* get to see him again

I would be acting and showing I still care

He tends to be more receptive to things in person

 

Cons:

2 hour drive each way / tank of gas...money i don't really have right now

If he doesn't know by now I still love him, whats the point

If he doesn't want me or can't accept my apology without physically seeing me then what does that say about our relationship even if we got back together

 

Edited March 25, 2010 by germandude

[germandude]

I ended up going after work on Thursday. At first he was mad at me but I guess I broke though his front. I said everything I need to say. I feel serene and content with it all. It was a bittersweet goodbye visit for me. I know I didn't need to apologize but I went and did in person anyways. We parted on good terms this time and I know he does care about me.

 

He's just so immature and doesn't know what he wants. If that changes and he wants to reconcile I'm sure he'll contact me willing to do whatever and if he doesn't that's okay too. I'm not going to rush out and date the first person I see but I'll find someone else eventually. Everything seems so clear right now. I hope it holds up. I have no regrets right now except perhaps dating him when he wasn't ready for the level of commitment I need. I know I did nothing wrong though.