heartbroken

[tcwhiteshark]

I'm hoping someone can give me advice on getting my ex girlfriend back. She had lost her job last summer and was down about it. I tried to help her find a new one but no luck. I was always nice with her and would do anything for her. Out of the blue she tells me about a job on a cruiseline (her dream job), the only catch was that she had to pay money to get this job. I warned her that it was a scam but she only resented me for saying this. I wanted to be supportive but was also worried that if this job was true what would become of us. I took time off work and drove her to her interview where she paid this agency. On the drive back home she was very quiet with me. That night when I tried calling her she was very moody with me. I got angry and didn't call her for 2 days. When I called her again she told me that she didn't want to talk and he hung up on me. I figured it was over but couldn't understand why because she would not talk to me. Months had passed and I found out that her dream job was really a scam and that she had lost her money. I have always been good to her and tried to win her back by tryng to called her from time to time and sent her gifts and letters about what she meant to me on xmas and her birthday. She still didn't even send me a sign. I just wanted some closure to the whole thing, being dumped is hard enough but being dumped in a silent way is even harder. I still love her and would do anything for her but don't know how to deal with someone that doesn't talk to you. It's been 7 months now and I'm still heartbroken and blaming myself and want to win her back. What should I do ? Anyone out there who has tried mending a problem with someone who doesn't give you the time of day. I know that deep down inside she is a warm and wonderfull person, I just don't understand her behaviour

[Tony T]

There's no way of telling what's on her mind. However, my guess is that she is superstitious and feels you cursed her job situation by telling her it was a scam. She probably holds you responsible for that...obviously she felt very good about it. Many people can't stand it when other people point out they are being had or being played for a fool.

 

There are some people who just can't handle the truth...and can't go back to people to admit they were right. If this gal thinks you were somehow responsible for cursing her employment possiblity...or if she is ashamed to come back to you to admit you were correct....either way she is not a desirable partner for you.

 

Just forget her and put no more energy into this. I know you love her...but you love the person you thought she was. She has a lot of very serious head problems you are now learning about. And that's what dating is all about.

 

The process has worked and you have found she is not worthy of your time.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I agree with Tony, and this girl is making it and has made it very clear to you that she no longer wants anything to do with you. If you're finding that hard to take, you're just finding it hard to take. You can't change a person's mind or how they feel about you no matter what you do for them. Whether they like you or not is a process they decide to go through. If you haven't gotten anywhere in the last 7 months, I think time is telling you to move on.

[NEONINK]

HEY! STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!

 

You didn't do anything. She did. Her screwups are not your's.

 

You did all you could from the sounds of it. She acted impulsively. Why on Earth would you want to be with someone that wanted to work far away from you? Why would you want to love someone that acted this way?

 

Some people are just cold fish. She sounds like one of those!

 

GET on with your life!

[tcwhiteshark]

I know I should just move on but it's hard. Would it be wrong to send her a letter just expressing to her how I feel at this moment and the whole situation and just leave it at that?

[yagottahelp]

I think if it will make you feel better to just say that you still really care about her, you're sorry about the way you were not encouraging about her job, you were just hoping to look out for her safety, tell her you loved your time together and if she ever wanted, you'd be open to exploring another relationship.......

 

before you do this though, think about the relationship, make sure it's something you'd want to go back to-i mean do some hard core analysis, it sucks, but at this point, if it makes you feel better, consider the last letter closure-and you'll have to force yourself to leave it at that.

[tcwhiteshark]

Thanks for the encouragement and it would make me feel better, but the only problem is that I sent her a birthday gift about 2 months ago and I did write her a short letter but only now I feel that I did not express myself fully, and I told her that I didn't want to bother her anymore and would just let things be. Now I find myself doing a lot of writing and I want to share a letter that I wrote for which really tells her what she meant to me. I'm just scared that she will think I'm just a pain and hate me even more.

[jeannie_mcbeal]

I say, send her the letter - let there be a closure for yourself. If she really does hate you because of one letter instead of being the least touched or feeling guilty, then I think you should move on and forget about this girl. A girl this cold and heartless is not worth it.

 

I am facing the same problem as you, trying to win back someone I lost because of a terrible mistake I made. I've made the person a book with all my emotions poured out knowing I cannot just let go without another try. The person did not hate me, still cared for me, but told me clearly that we will never work out. That's when you know someone is worthy of your time and efforts.

[NEONINK]

Do whatever you need to do so that you will feel you gave it your best shot. Obviously you are not the 'healing kind', I'm not either btw. What I mean by that is, you don't just 'get over it' easily.

 

So you say, "I'm just scared that she will think I'm just a pain and hate me even more."

 

So what! When you aren't in a relationship with her now, and if she doesn't take your sincere offer, what the hell will you care what she thinks after that.

 

Give it a shot, and when you see that she's not interested, for Heaven's sake, please get out and meet people. There will be somebody that can love you for all you are worth! There are good people out there in the world that want to give and receive the greatest love. And some of them are not the 'healing kind' either. They stick around.

[tcwhiteshark]

I will send her my letter, but like I said the last time I sent her birthday gift I wrote that I would let her get on with her life. In the past 7 months I tried calling her about 5 times. I'm just scared that she will take it like I'm harrassing her and not letting her go on with her life. any thoughts?

[jeannie_mcbeal]

It's not like you're stalking her and begging her on the streets to take you back. I don't see why she should feel so negatively about you and your letter.

 

I'm not sure if she picked up your calls but since you said "tried" I figured they weren't successful. This means you were not able to express your feelings for her and there's no closure for yourself.

 

If she has already moved on, upon receiving your letter, she will either throw it away, or just read it and do nothing about it. 5 calls and a letter in 7 months isn't really harrassing. But if she really feels harrassed and wants you to stop doing stuffs, then she will tell you.

 

If you don't send the letter, you will always have this regret that you weren't able to express your feelings and were you able to savage this relationship. You will always wonder if you had sent the letter, would she have come back to you.

 

So, I say again, send the letter and see how it goes. The worst that could happen is she calls you and says "stop harrassing me". Then you can at least move on with your life.

 

That's what I feel.

[tcwhiteshark]

In the letter I wrote for her I mention all the good times we had and why I think she left me. I also mention an apology for her for things that may have led her to feel that way about me now , it couldn't just be the cruiseship job. I'm no angel I'll admit but I never cheated on her and I never hit or emotionally abused her and I was always loyal an trusting. I also mention during the 7 months that we haven't seen each other that I tried dating another girl to move on but it just wasn't the same and that I couldn't even kiss her because I just kept thinkng of her. Do you think this is a good idea to let her know this . My letter is as open and honest as could be and I would never want to lie to her. A good question I would also like to ask is when making an apology to a woman, should any excuses be given even if the excuse is true or just admit your wrong without any excuses. What earns more respect? I don't want to make her feel guilty either because my excuse deals with my father having cancer during the time she left? By the way , I really appreciate all the encouragement.

[jeannie_mcbeal]

I'm wondering what you really did wrong here. Why is there a need for you to apologise? Because your dad had cancer and you didn't have time to pursue her back?

 

Your dad having cancer is not an excuse, it's a reason. I think it's okay that you state this reason.

 

I also mention during the 7 months that we haven't seen each other that I tried dating another girl to move on but it just wasn't the same and that I couldn't even kiss her because I just kept thinkng of her. Do you think this is a good idea to let her know this.

 

You know what, she's not even speaking to you for 7 months. What's the harm in pouring out all your emotions in a letter now? If you don't say anything, or leave things in a blur, you think she will return? No, I don't think so. She will continue with her life.

 

I think you're in a dilemma - you want to win her back, yet you don't want her to feel guilty or hinder her from moving on with life. This makes you sashay back and forth "Should I write this? Hmm, maybe not."

 

What is it you want ultimately? If you want to let her know how you truly feel and what has been going on, and see if there's a chance of getting her back, then you just have to write everything you feel in the letter. She has already chosen to leave you.

 

If I'm her, and I have some feelings left for you, probably I will feel guilty knowing what you've been through, but it makes me think if I want to give our relationship another chance.

 

But if I have already moved on, then I'd just read the letter, feel some sympathy for you and your dad, and put the letter away.

 

It's really hard to satisfy a woman. If you don't put any reasons, they will think "So why only after 7 months then you come back for me? Too late." If you put reasons, they may think "Can't you even spare a little time for me if I'm really that important to you?"

 

Sometimes, excuses are not needed, like in cases of cheating. Women don't need excuses like "Sorry I was drunk or You kept rejecting me that's why". That don't earn respect.

 

But in your case, I think it is a valid reason. State it, IMO.

[tcwhiteshark]

It's been 8 months now and I have just sent my letter to her with flowers. I don't know if the flowers were over doing it but I sent them anyway. The letter is pretty powerfull and it does make me feel good. I just hope it is possible to get back together with her after 8 months.Can anyone tell me if they were ever in the same situation as I am in now with a girl that doesn't want to talk to them but after time they get back together again?