myfault Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 Hi, this is my first post and the first time ive "spoken" about my relationship to anyone, i guess doing it anonymously may help so here goes, i hope some of you can give me some good advice. I wouldnt say me and my gf are split up now, but we may aswell be, its a bit confused at the moment. We've been seeing eachother 2 and a half yrs. Shes nealry 19 now and im 22. The relationship started as a long distance one, we'd been friends for ages and we ended up getting together in Dec 2000. So for about a yr and a half we had a long distance relationship, she lived about 3 hours away, we saw each other most weekends. The relationship was great. We ended up moving to a new town together and got a flat after id finished uni and she college. We both got jobs, our flat was nice and we were happy as anything. Things turned bad this Feb. She went out one night with her best mate and got really drunk, i dont like this friend and i was in a bit of a pissy mood and she came home upset (i didnt know what about) and because i was in a mood and she was drunk she just went to bed. I went to bed later and she'd left me a note saying that back in january when she had gone home to see her parents she had gone out and been sexually abused. I was in such shock that i didnt know what to do so i just went to sleep. She was already asleep so i figured we'd do something about it in the morning. A day or so passed and i hadn't really spoken to her about it, i was angry because we had been having sex regularly and i didnt know what we might have. I said this to her and arguments followed. I know i reacted the wrong way but it was the shock and the fear that grabbed me. Anyway eventually we sorted it out, we went to the clinic and are now clean. Things were never the same though. My gf then got a letter thru form a uni saying she had a place if she wanted it, which she did so it meant moving back up to where i lived before. She said it would be good to have her own space before starting uni and she wanted to live the student life so shes got a place in a shared house. I moved back in April and a few days ago she moved into her shared house. While on her own she has chaged dramatically, her tastes in music, her drinking habits, she now smokes, she dresses differently and more. I think its a mix of her rebelling against something (me or what happened to her) and some influence of her friends who are all the type of person she has changed into. Whenever i mention that too her though she says i dont think she has a mind of her own and it starts an argument. Well yesterday we had a chat and we are trying to sort things out. She says she wants to take it slow and that she wants her independance. I really love her, i beleive shes my soulmate and its killing me having to go back. She says if she was in a serious relationship she wouldnt be able to do all the student things, staying out late and such but i want to do it for her. She says she still loves me and she wants to work it out. Uni doesnt start till Sep and she is here now so she says that proves she wants to be with me and i beleive her. She is missing living in the old place where we moved out but thats coz she misses her friends and the life she had - she went out most nights in the 6 weeks that we were seperate. She says she doesnt want to have to rely on anyone and that shes sticking up for herself now and that shes grown up. I know all these things and i respect her for them. Ive never treated her bad apart from the way i reacted to the note and i have apologised to her so much for that. A couple of other things that stick in my mind is when i was still at the flat before i moved back i asked her if she had met someone else and this is why she wanted her own space. she said "not really". after id asked her about it more she said she had a friend who made her feel special like i did when we were first going out. She promised me nothing happened and nothing would happen because she loved me but it obviously upset me to hear that. Now she is moved away from there i know that nothing is going on because the only person she knows here is me. I dont really know where we go from here, or why she has changed so much so any advice would be grateful. I think the way she has changed has a lot to do with what happened to her but she says it doesn't. We both want to make it work and we are going out on a few dates and things and take it from there. Is this a good thing or not? Did i bring this all on myself from the way i reacted? I just didnt know what to do and again i dont know what to do now sorry for the long thread Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 Your girlfriend is still very young. At that age, most young women don't even know who they are or what they want out of life yet. Add to that the fact that most relationships begin to fizzle out around the second or third year after the "bonding period" has run its course. Once the newness of a relationship has gone, when the weak knees and butterflies have faded, it takes a real committed effort on both sides to to keep it together. This can be difficult if one or the other partner isn't willing to put in the effort. http://www.relationshipjourney.com/stages.html It’s difficult to say whether or not the incident you mentioned was the cause of your girlfriend’s change of heart. But with or without the “note” this stage in your relationship would have evolved anyway. And given your girlfriend’s age and indecision, she may have opted to take the easy way out regardless. I am sincerely sorry for the sadness and confusion you must be feeling now. However, you still have your whole life ahead of you and many relationships will come and go. But understanding the dynamics of relationships and its “stages” might help you to better recognize and deal with the situation in the future. It’s not your fault! Link to post Share on other sites
myfault Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 Thanks for the reply. She does say to me that she's changing and that shes confused about who she wants to be and the kind of person she's turning into and thats what led to us taking a break so she could sort out her head. Now we are back in the same town and seeing eachother again she still doesnt know because she used the space to enjoy herself and feel independant which she said she enjoyed. I really dont mind her having her indepandance but its hard trying to tell her that. We have arranged a few nights out together and things so we can take it a step at a time and see how it goes from there. Is this a good idea or is it inevitable that it will end in more hurt. Obviously im blinded by love for her and i just want to do everyything i can to get back to normal. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 I think until you know for certain where this is going, you BOTH should be enjoying your Independence. No one knows for certain whether or not there will be more hurt (unless you're clairvoyant)...but there will certainly be more "work" involved. But your girlfriend also needs to be willing to meet you half way. As far as getting things back to "normal," it depends on your interpretation. You may never regain those feelings of that natural PEA "high" that you felt for one another in the beginning, but it is possible to build stability if that is something both of you see as a prospect for the future. And since your girlfriend isn't certain what she wants, it could leave you in a perpetual emotional limbo. That's why it is so important that you concentrate also on your own personal goals and enjoy your freedom and independance as well...in the event that your girlfriend eventually chooses not to become a perminate fixture in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Dude Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 I hate to tell you this dude but ur girlfriend is probably cheating on you. First of all she dosent want to live with you and she is more outspoken. Also when a girl is a sexually abused in her life she often tends to become slutty in the future, I dont understand why but that does happen. Link to post Share on other sites
myfault Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 Normal as in back to how we were before the incident that happened in Feb. We had such a great christmas and new year it was amazing i just want that back. We recently went on holiday aswell and on that holiday things were perfect, it was just before i left to come back home. We had only each other for company and we had a great time. I feel like she is wanting to prove something to me or to other people about herself because when she gets back with her friends she goes wayward. I know i'm certainly willing to put the work in and she has said she wants it to work so i think she is willing aswell. As for the cheating, well it has crossed my mind but she tells me she loves me everyday and she wouldnt say it if she didnt mean it, i know her. I spoke to her today about the sexual abuse, whether she wanted to go and see someone with me and talk about it but she said it doesnt bother her anymore. She has never fully told me what happened but she is the kind of person that runs from her problems instead of facing them and i think thats why she wanted a break from me so she could deal with it at a later time - now. Link to post Share on other sites
myfault Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Well just a bit of an update really to see if anyone can throw new light on things. We are going out tommorrow as friends, gonna make a day of it i think. I've been texting her and things telling her i love her but not overly so, i was upset yesterday morning thinking it was all over and left her a voicemail, she thinks im trying to push her back into a relationship and i dont want to push her. She says also that shes not attracted to me sexually like she used to be and maybe its because she hasnt seen me in so long and now shes seeing me again that will come back. I hope so. Anyway i just really want her back and id do anything to get her back but whats the best thing to do? I dont want to go on a proper break for like a week or something so that she might realise what shes lost because what if she doesnt realise and she likes being on her own too much? Im really stuck Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 [color=indigo] I think the important thing here, that is being overlooked, is that she is claiming that she was sexually abused. Depending on the level of abuse she was subjected to, she probably should see someone about it, like a counselor. Sexual abuse is no joke. I work with sexually abused children and being abused can manifest itself in many different ways. No one just "gets over it", as she is claiming. She needs to discuss what happened to her with someone. What I also think is happening here is that she is going through the normal stages of young adult life. When you are 18, 19, 20, 21, etc, that is the time to find yourself and to just have fun in the process. She is feeling that "squeeze" of being in a relationship but also wanting to be free at the same time. She probably loves you, which is why she is so torn about what to do. At this point, I would just let her go and let her sort out her problems on her own. I would encourage her to see a counselor though. When a person is faced with so many internal conflicts, being in a healthy relationship is impossible. It takes too much energy to devote to someone else as well as on yourself. It just doesn't work. She needs the time and space to heal herself so that she can eventually give 100% to someone someday. Whether it's you or someone else, well, time will only tell and dependent on how patient you can be. [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
myfault Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Thanks for the reply. Everything you say is spot on. But do you think the person she is changing into stems from what happened to her? Tommorrow when we meet up im going to try and get her to go and see someone about it because as u say u cant just forget about something like that. She says she loves me and she would never lie to me so i guess thats why she is so torn, thanks for the insight. I really want her to sort her problems and i want to help her through. I just hope that someone will be me and i hope it happens soon. I guess all i can do is sit and wait? Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 [color=indigo] I think the person she has become is a result from both of the inner conflicts she is experiencing. However, the sexual abuse may play a larger role in her sudden change in taste of clothing, etc. She definitely needs some form of counseling in order to sort out her feelings. Being there for her is a great thing. Just being her friend and being supportive is all she needs from you right now. The time isn't right for a relationship at the moment. If you really think a future is something that you want with this girl, then sitting and waiting is your only option until she can heal herself. I hope that it all works out for you, really I do! [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
myfault Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Thanks I just hope i can persuade her to go and see someone. Before i left to move back home she did say that she thought it would be good if we both went and saw someone about it but now she seems reluctant. I dont know if i should bring it up so soon because she already thinks im pushing her into the relationship again, but i hope i can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 [color=indigo] I hope that you can persuade her to see someone too! Maybe you should have a little chat with her and tell her that you aren't pushing her to be in a relationship and that you understand what she is going through and don't have a problem with stepping back and giving her space... Being open with her would be very beneficial right now and reassuring her of your intentions. Maybe with your unconditional love, you'll be able to make her feel comfortable enough to seek the help she needs. Best of luck! [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
myfault Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 Well we went out today and everything went so well. I didnt pysh anything myself i just let her lead and do what she wanted. We went to the cinema and she grabbed my hand when we came out and we were holding hands and being like normal again. She kissed me when i left and we are seeing each other again tommorrow. I have played it cool and no msged her or rang her or anyhting im just letting her run it at her pace and it seems to be going well. I didnt bring up the counselling today in fear of it ruining the moment but when we get more confortable ill try and find the right moment to put it in. Thanks for the advice its helping already. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted May 30, 2003 Share Posted May 30, 2003 [color=indigo] That is great to hear! I am glad that things seem to be coming together. When someone is hurting, unconditional love does wonders. I hope that she keeps her happy disposition and that eventually she'll seek the help she needs. That's good that you are by her side through thick and thin. Best of luck! [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
myfault Posted May 31, 2003 Share Posted May 31, 2003 Well after the great day on Thursday it went back a step on Friday. We had a good day and kissed again, we went for a drive and got ice cream and things like that. When we got home i brought up how we are at the moment, as being a bit more than friends. She said she didnt think we were anything more . She said she didnt want to lead me on and that it could take a very long time to get her feelings back for me. She was going to go home but i persuaded her to stay and we went out on the night and both got drunk. The night was good although we never touched eachother once. When we got home we both ended up crying ourselves to sleep, talking about the past and things. We spoke about what happened to her and she said she had taken class A drugs and it helped her forget about it when she was out with her mates. I freaked out at this point. When we woke up this morning it was like last night never happened, she didnt even mention it. I dont know what to do about things. Im scared about her taking the drugs and i told her that last night but she said there was no harm in it. I half want to stay and see where things are going to go and i want to suppot her through everything but the other half of me is saying give her space and she will contact me if she needs me. Ive been reading loads of websites about rape and things and they all say that the girls feelings change afterwards towards a lot of things including obviously sexual contact. I dont know if this is why she doesnt find me sexually attractive anymore but it could be a factor. Im losing the will to live at the moment everything seems to be turning on its head but i know what she is going through is a lot worse than what i am and i want to show her that. If we got help from a rape counsellor would the healing process be quicker or would it just be made easier? I just dont know what to do.. again Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 [color=indigo] I don't think I can reiterate this anymore. She needs help and until she makes the decision to do so, you really have two choices-- 1) Stick with her, with no guarantee that it will work out, and go through the hardship with her at your own emotional expense OR 2) Let her go. You've really done all you can. I know it is heartbreaking and hard, but it seems you are holding on because you love her and have a glimmer of hope that things will get better. At this point, I think you need to separate yourself emotionally from the situation and see it for what it really is. She is hurting and scarred in many different ways. Unless you are a glutton for punishment, leave her be. If she comes around someday, great. But you owe it to yourself to give YOURSELF a chance. You've done all you can. [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
myfault Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 Well im sad to say that we have both decided that a complete break up is the best way forward and i have let her go, although it kills me to do it and i really want to be there to support her and be with her. My saving grace is that i did in fact persuade her that she should talk to someone about what happened. She msged me last night and said she would do it next week, so maybe some good will come from that and she'll realise what she is letting go. I hope so. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 [color=indigo] She probably fully realizes what she is letting go which is why she has struggled with this for so long. However, what I still don't think you realize is that no matter how much you love someone, it doesn't always mean you are going to be ready for a relationship. Yes, she loves you but she is broken inside. She needs to heal herself before she can give herself to anyone! Would you really want to be with her while she is going through this and keep getting yourself hurt with mixed messages? This is what she needs. Yes, it hurts, but if you truly love her, you'll be happy for her decision, knowing it's the best for herself. [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 [color=green][/color] I think you have shown kindness and courage and a willingness to offer help. That will not be forgotten my friend. Play well the part you have been given. You cannot force her to behave like you want her to. You can only control what you do. I would think, 'keep my options open'. Link to post Share on other sites
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