yagottahelp Posted May 26, 2003 Share Posted May 26, 2003 I've posted a few times on some different things on my break up with my ex that was in a relaitonship with me for 2 1/2 years. I know i'm pretty much powerless since she's the one that kind of called it off, but I had a few questions for the group. Well she doesn't like anyone else, I'm as sure as one can be on that. She says it's just something that she feels she needs to do, that she's just not feeling it now, she just kind of felt tied down because we took a clingy high school relationship (the kind where it's like you only see each other, hangout wiht each other, like you're the only two in the world) and then she came to college with me (and it just doesn't work in the real world when you ahve other friends, class, tests, clubs, etc.......) We didn't adapt well and kind of held each other back unintentionally. So I can see she needs to be an individual, I agree that we both needed to let go just a little bit and still have each other, but make sure we make new friends and do new things, I know that's only natural when you're growing up. So she wanted space, I was hard, but I gave it to her. Now it's to the point where I haven't called her or asked her to do anything in 3 1/2 weeks. But she calls me everyday, im's me everyday, asks me to do something almost everyday. And not just like you wanna go to mcdonalds? like walks by the lake, going to dinner, going to the beach alone, watching movies at night, stuff that I think is slightly more bf gf then friends. And she still has all of my pictures, stuffed animals, jewelry, like anyhting that she ever treasured, is still there that she wears, sleeps with, or looks at. I kind of just have been laying low and letting her come to me. She's still my best friend, and I'm hers, and she has said thing the last week like "I know you're sad, but it'll be ok, I know we'll get married" or like "i can't wait to have our own house and do this and this and this" "or just try not to worry about it so much, i'm right here for you still". Like everyone will be hangin at her house and i'll go to leave she's like "you're going too, can you stay? " or if i levae without giving her a hug she's liek"you can't give me a hug now?" like she is still in love with me....... THe other thing in her life is that she's moving, which I know is affecting her more than she's letting on....... So what do I do? I'm going to keep letting her come to me.......I'm not making any moves that's for sure, and I never bring up an "us". Anything else I can do? Does space really clear up somebody's mind? Thanks for any help! Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted May 26, 2003 Share Posted May 26, 2003 It seems like you've accepted HER need for space, and that's good. But the center of your emotional world is clearly still her -- and you don't seem to be doing anything to modify that state of affairs. She's your best friend, OK. But is she your only friend? I'm not suggesting that you should start dating other women, or even thinking about it necessarily. But even if you two get back together, get married, etc., you surely need to have other people in your life -- male friends, female friends. She can't be the sum and whole of your emotional life. Why not go to see movies by yourself or with other people? Why not sometimes not be available for long phone chats and walks by the lake? Not in order to punish her or make her realize the error of her ways ... but because you're taking her at her word, that some space is a good thing, and you're making some for yourself. Right now she's got you firmly in close orbit around her. You're playing along with the rules she has set -- you don't "bug" her but she still depends on you to be her primary emotional/social support. I'm not suggesting that she's doing that deliberately. She perhaps hasn't thought about how things are for you, and you're facilitating that by going along with it all. To answer your implicit question: yes, her impending move is probably on her mind and affecting her in ways she's not fully aware of. OK. Since she has removed herself from being in a relationship with you, and has declared her need for space, you're not in a position to get her to talk about it. But that doesn't mean that you have to sit around on pins and needles waiting for her to figure it out for herself. She wants to be more independent: fine. Let her be independent. If you gain some independence too, at a minimum this won't be consuming you so much. Which is the most important thing. And there's a good chance that she'll notice you're not quite as available, and perhaps she'll then start to realize the full implications of her new-found independence. Get on with your own life. For your own sake. She'll sort herself out when and if she's ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yagottahelp Posted May 26, 2003 Author Share Posted May 26, 2003 Thanks for your input Midori, I think it's a good point that there's nothing wrong with me gaining my own independance and also nothing wrong with having other people in my life. I think it's very true that me still being there for her has kept her from thinking about her actions......because other than lacking a kiss or a cuddle, she lost nothing. If anything i'm going to try to use this time to benefit myself, i'm already trying to lose some weight and feel better about myself, hopefully by the time i'm done with that, maybe she'll be around, and if not, at least i'll be happy with myself a little more. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Author yagottahelp Posted June 3, 2003 Author Share Posted June 3, 2003 well it's been about a month now since everything went down and we are really becoming better friends- I think maybe regaining sight on the fact that (at least in my mind) lovers need to be friends and lovers, not one or the other. We are really regaining a lot of the fun in the friendship that due to school and moving and family issues, was lost. She's been really good about wanting to hangout almost everyday, and I've been good about letting her come to me- and doing my own thing also. I've made a point of trying to be a sweet friend, I left a note on her car the other day on her first day of work at a new job, and brought over a flower the other night with a nice friend saying to go with it- just making her feel special-i thought that it might be crossing the line to do this stuff- but she's always very thankful and has the flower and card up on her dresser, so it's something she treasured Well 2 nights ago I was at her house helping her study and she asked me to just let myself out and take her key to lockup because she was too tired. I said ok, that's fine, then she's like........can you lay here with me though until I fall asleep? I said sure, i'd love to. I asked her if she wanted the stuffed dog I had given her she always sleeps with, she's like not right now, you're here. I thought that was good....... So i let her fall asleep, kissed her on her forehead just enough so she woke up and knew what I was doing, and I left....... I'm thinking she really does love me- this is unlike any breakup i've been in, i think that space is something that's helping her feelings come back-and really rebuilding the groundwork of our relationship-and she hasn't seen any other guys, no dates-no talk about it even-nor have i Any input on this? I mean things aren't regressing which is good, i think that is a progression- should I keep playing this little game?? Thanks for any advice Link to post Share on other sites
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