What do I do? break up after 4.5 years. She's the only woman I want.

[Mr.Mystery]

Hello everybody,

 

I hope you can help me in intrepreting the situation.

 

Been with my girlfiend over 4 years since we were 19. I have slept with girls before (not many) but I was her first. We have always been faithful to each other. I have so many wonderful memories. We broke up (i should mention we broke up before but only for 3 days). this is the scenario: One day she asked me to go to dinner with a friend and I said "I don't feel like it". Then she suddenly said "i can't do this anymore".

 

She broke up with me around a 5/6 weels ago now

 

I love her to bits and I know I want a family with her. I have been torturing myself (not literally hah) because I know it's all my own fault, I became lazy with the relationship and didn't do stuff with her anymore. Her Father died 8 month's ago and she phoned me when she was upset about it and i said stuff like "busy can't talk, bye". (I know I am a bastard, never regretted something so much before)

She wants to be 'friends'. I said yes to keep contact open. We were still phoning each other regularly and I was asking her to meet up go to dinner and she kept saying "no i want more space and need time to sort my life out" etc etc.

 

It was my birthday and she came along. We kissed and it was expected from both of us. She was saying "I want too but we shouldn't do this".

I was saying "ah it doesn't matter lets just enjoy the moment". So we did. But I have not seen her since for a month now. However stayed in contact.

 

Recently i didnt contact her for 4 days and she called me and and said that she thought she had done something to piss me off and why hadn't i phoned etc.

I said "i am giving you the space you wanted". She then said she is sad about life and depressed. I was going out that night.

She phoned back an hour later and said "I feel like crying. I said "I have to go now sorry getting ready to go out" and she got angry and said that I should support her stay on the phone etc. I didn't take it and said "really sorry i have to go".

 

At this point i was thinking great she wants me again there is hope and i went back to phoning her regularly.

 

Last night's conversation:

 

I asked her to go to dinner again, she said she is not ready to see me.

I got angry/frustrated with her as she never wants to see me I told her to be more decisive and i know what i want in life and she doesn't and I need to know my position. I told her i feel like she is stringing me along and is always hot and cold with me. We had an arguement and we were both defensive. It wasn't pretty. After the conversation i thought **** i put my guard down.

 

Everytime i ask her to meet up to go to dinner she says no i need more time/space.

I had asked her directly 'do you still have any expectation to be with me or not?' response was "i don't know i need more time".

She mentioned to me: "I find it too hard to meet up with you because i know if i do i will want you"

Now I won't phone her anymore and give her what she wants but i was thiking of sending her a lighthearted text tommorow just to clear the air. Or should i just avoid contact entirely?

 

I just feel she is being hot and cold all the time and I do not know where i stand.

 

Please comment on the text i plan to send tommorow:

 

'Hi there, what are you up to tonight? I am going out but nothing special, lol. I want to apologise for being bitter on the phone before. I do want us to be friends and I am happy to give you all the space you need. X'

 

Is she playing some sort of power game? minipulating me? Am I missing something?

 

Sorry for the drivvle but i was hoping for some advice from you good people here. Need to sort my head out.

Edited November 19, 2009 by Mr.Mystery

[torranceshipman]

I guess it sounds pretty intense and she only lost her dad 8 months ago AND you guys split up. I just wondered why you didn't want to comfort her on the phone that time recently, when she called you looking for some support. If you want to get back to her, it's good to treat her in a way where she knows how you'd treat her as a boyfriend - make her feel secure, looked after, like she can come to you for comfort and rely on you, etc....? I think maybe losing her dad so recently is still affecting her greatly so her emotions are all over the place, apart from anything else....

 

I really like some of your text, but maybe also write her an email or something, and lay it on the line about how you feel and how you want her back, or if she doesn't want that, how you reall care for her but need some NC for a while to be able to get over her.

[sean1970]

'Hi there, what are you up to tonight? I am going out but nothing special, lol. I want to apologise for being bitter on the phone before. I do want us to be friends and I am happy to give you all the space you need. X'

 

1) If you have something to be sorry about, fine... If it is really just to converse with her, not fine.

 

2) You are going to ask her to go out when she has consistently said no? Why? Let her ask.

 

3) Friends... Is that what you really want? If no, then why lie?

[jerseyboy]

Reading through your post I feel sorry for her.

 

Not trying to be confrontational, and I know I dont know you, but for some reason I dislike you. Kind of hoping she moves on.

 

I can see why she left.

[bluestraps]

Looks like you screwed up here. My ex was having problems with her sister. I was trying to help her by giving advice instead of just being there for her. You screwed up , women dont give much room for mistakes.

[VeveCakes]

Please comment on the text i plan to send tommorow:

 

'Hi there, what are you up to tonight? I am going out but nothing special, lol. I want to apologise for being bitter on the phone before. I do want us to be friends and I am happy to give you all the space you need. X'

 

 

Why start out asking her what she is doing only to say you have plans? Makes it look like you are trying to look like you are busy and cool or something.

 

Why not say something like, hey so - and - so, I just wanted you to know I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. I think you're great and miss spending time with you. Don't be a stranger -

 

Something like that, it's going to make her feel good about herself, make her think you care and are there for her. BUT you better act like a man if she does call you to talk.