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Ways to make reconcilation work... I think


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Old 12th August 2009, 9:43 PM   #1
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Ways to make reconcilation work... I think

I'm not so sure about posting this, mostly because I can't guarantee that my reconciliation with my BF will actually last and it could possibly makes these items wrong. On the other hand, I think I've learned some things through this process that I wish had been shared with me, so here goes...

1) I think no contact as soon as possible after the breakup is key. For the dumpee, it stops you from begging and revisiting all of the old ground that makes the dumper feel badly. Then, the dumper won't begin to resent you and treat you badly. Remember: things were bad enough (no matter how much either of you valued your relationship) that someone decided to leave. It also preserves your dignity. As the saying goes, "You want them to hate to see you leave but love to watch you go." If you leave with dignity, the dumper won't remember pathetic pleading; they'll remember the strong person who walked away, even if he/she is hurting. They'll gain respect for you.

2) A second point on no contact and perhaps the biggest lesson I learned: no contact gets you out of that "anything to get them back" mindset that seems to be overwhelming when you first break up with someone. Once you get out of that mindset, you realize that no, you won't accept just anything. The relationship has to be equal - for your own self worth and for the health of your relationship. Until you get that perspective and force that balance in a reconciliation, I don't believe reconciliation works.

3) Value yourself, value yourself, value yourself. (Goes with point 2)

4) Don't constantly go over past hurts. I know we all believe in this country that we need "closure" but to me, if you constantly go back to where all the bad feelings are, how are you ever going to get back to the good times? If you are ready to reconcile with someone, leave it in the past and move on. Same goes for your partner.

5) You weren't perfect and neither was your partner. I think you go from blaming yourself to blaming them to blaming yourself... Somewhere in between lies the difference. Some acts are deal-breakers (cheating, abuse), but others are just happenstances in the course of two people being together. Try to be better; try to communicate better; and set higher expectations for your partner.

6) Don't agree to reconciliation right away. In the heat of all of the emotions, I think the dumpers tend to come back at first because it's convenient and, regardless that it was their choice, they miss us too. But not enough. If they get the instantaneous satisfaction of reconciliation, they tend not to value it. Make the dumper work for reconciliation - that's the only way you'll both truly know that both parties want it. Also, I don't think an early reconciliation allows both partners to see what went wrong, make their own personal commitment to fixing it and be able to come back to the relationship with a positive attitude.

7) If you do agree to reconcile, be cautious (you got hurt before) but be kind. You agreed to go back to this thing... you don't have the right to beat the other person up for it for the rest of your lives together.

Just my thoughts... okay, I'm now going to duck!
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Old 13th August 2009, 2:31 PM   #2
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georgia girl

G./girl i really like what you wrote it makes alot of sence to me.I'm kinda in a stand still in my relationship we are sperated for now so she can think if she wants to work it out or divorce.So shes asking for time.
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Old 14th August 2009, 9:34 AM   #3
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Hi Georgia Girl,

Your situation is somewhat similar to mine in the area of age and the man having CP. The relationship was good, no big fights etc. Ours broke up similarly (he said his feelings wouldn't grow and mine would). He wanted to remain friends and I said NO and immedicately went NC, 5 weeks later he broke NC and arrived at my door said he made a mistake, took responsibility for his actions etc. Anyway, I'm interested in how to tell if they've really worked through their CP issues. I don't want to go back on that rollercoaster ride again and I don't want to be worked into the "friend zone."
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Old 14th August 2009, 4:32 PM   #4
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I don't know how to do it either. My trust is very, very fragile. To be honest, I think my guy knows that because for the very first time in our relationship, he's worried about me meeting someone else. I think it's because he knows I'm still not committed myself. I still don't worry about him finding someone else because it's just not in him. Believe me, I'm about all he can handle - he could never juggle two women!

My only thought for self-preservation is that he has to prove it to me. And if he wants me in his life, it may take proving it to me over and over again. At this point, I'm unconvinced but I'm trying. He's definitely making the effort. Who knows? Will it ever be enough for me? Will he get tired of proving it? I can't say. I definitely will not go into the "friend zone" though. My very hard line was: you're either in or you're out. This isn't a swinging door and the basis of our relationship was never friendship, it was romantic. If you're in, we're not just friends. If you're out, we're not friends and yes, that means there will be no contact between us.

It's hard but you have to do that for yourself. I sometimes feel like if I even give him an inch, he'll take a mile and I can't do it again.
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Old 14th August 2009, 8:09 PM   #5
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wow excellent advice georgia girl wish i did all of those things would have helped me so much! But unfortunately i made all the mistakes and drove her away. Do you think there is a time limit when it is to late for them to come back? Which indicates that you have failed in getting a chance for reconciliation? I think after 6 month (half a year!) most dumpers wont come back to you why go thru all the pain and drama for so long just to return once again.
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Old 14th August 2009, 9:39 PM   #6
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Great advice Georgia Girl!! Like you I've been very clear from the get go that friendship is not an option! During his surprise visit after 5 weeks NC, although he expressed he made a mistake, took responsibility and apologized, and said that he didn't know if losing me is the right thing to do, he didn't really commit to taking things forward either. It was suggested that it was possibly due to my reaction. I expressed how he'd hurt me by sabotaging our relationship which was good. I hadn't expressed these feelings before. Anyway, it was suggested that I contact him and offer to get together and talk over coffee which we may do this weekend so I did. There was one red flag during that phone conversation so . . . I'm now unsure of what to do. I've had advice saying I should just play it cool if he tries to evoke jealousy (he did some of this in the relationship) and other advice that says I should confront. The thing is, if he throws something out there to make me jealous (could be something about having a date for example), if I just blow it off and feign indifference he could take it that I'm fine with it and put me into the friend zone. I really think if this comes up when we're together, I need to somehow confront it to re-establish the boundary I set about "no friendship." It sounds like your guy is coming on strong. I think mine is coming on more halfheartedly and in the old CP way of hot then cold. Any advice??
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Old 15th August 2009, 1:04 AM   #7
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[quote]Just my thoughts... okay, I'm now going to duck!

Don't duck GGirl!

Take a BOW!

Well said....well said.

i have taken something from it...something positive...thank you")
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Hugs, Dela
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Old 15th August 2009, 10:05 AM   #8
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Serena,

Here's how I would handle the jealousy thing - but don't necessarily take my advice because this is in my situation, not yours.

First, if he brought up having a date, I would say, "Thank you for letting me know. Obviously, we will no longer be dating again, but I do appreciate you being the one telling me. Good luck." Then, I would get up and walk away. Knowing my ex, he would let me go and then begin texting me hours later when he thinks I have calmed down. He knows that to me, this is a deal breaker. If he is working on things with me, then it's only me.

However, if it isn't exactly a deal breaker for you - and I can see how it wouldn't be for some people - you can simply say, "Listen, we were together for too long for us to ever date casually. But, I agreed to working on this. So, for me, it's an in-or-out proposition. If you want to be in, then it's just me from now on. Those are my terms. You don't have to take them, but you need to make a choice."

Then, if he wants to negotiate this point, just cut it off (even if you have to leave). Don't get into a debate and all of that other emotional he said/she said stuff that ruins relationships because people say nasty things when they're angry. Just say, "No, I'm not debating this. I gotta go." and leave.
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Old 15th August 2009, 10:06 AM   #9
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Oops... should have said, then I would be done and would be back on the break up forum. No second chances if you're dating around. Sorry, my ground rule. I don't particularly much care if he has other ground rules.
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Old 15th August 2009, 10:17 AM   #10
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gyspi,

I truly don't know. It's been three months since my guy and I initially broke up, but he kept contact the whole time. Some thing to take comfort from: I didn't handle it well the whole time. On two occassions, the breakup night and after two weeks of no contact on my part, I did beg him to reconsider. On both occassions, he said he wouldn't. From that second conversation to two weeks ago, I didn't say a word to him and ignored daily texts/emails/calls.

For me, no contact was to get beyond the situation, although in the back of my mind, I could also envision that no contact would also make him realize what he's lost. I do think there is a dumper-effect in no contact - they're human, too, and they do miss us. If they can have "friend-type" contact with us, then they can continue to move on without us.

After six months, who's to say? Do you still have contact? Does she try to call you? If not, she may be done with the relationship. But, if she's still reaching out, make her work very hard to get to you. If she has to work for it, she'll value you.

However, I have to say that the biggest benefit of no-contact is your own self-esteem. When they pursue you repeatedly and you do nothing - give them absolutely no glimmer of hope that their pursuit will ever work - it builds your confidence back up from the very small place you were in when you first broke up. I truly think that's what made me strong enough to demand what I needed, vs. just accept what I wanted.
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Old 15th August 2009, 2:08 PM   #11
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Thanks for this thread. I just got dumped last weekend and its been very hard. The reasons make no sense and there was never any discussion to fix the minor issues. I'm trying hard to do NC now (after not doing it the first few days) but it's very hard. I believe we should be together and I've never been more sure of anything in my life, but unless she will talk with me, there's nothing I can do, I know.
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Old 16th August 2009, 6:59 PM   #12
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She use to reach out to me, i went no contact for a month i told her that it hurts being her friend right now and that i wont contact her anymore then a month later she contacted me...i replied two days later. And now i havent heard from her in over 35 days, so im guessing she has moved on and is over me. Thats a reality that i am finding very hard to accept. Your thread is some of the best advice i have read on here, would highly recommend it to anyone who has recently broken up you might still have a chance!
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