Crazy situation!

[thinkingalot]

Ok long story short, thanks for reading.

 

I was dating this girl for 4 years and we did everything together (I mean everything). Our last year together was very stressful for both of us due to our living situation, jobs, (working together), everything was just piling up on us. We ended up breaking up/ taking a break on mutual terms in June and still worked together (in a stressful situation) We met up in August and had a great time together, talked about the past and we still wanted it to work but we agree that a break is what is needed. We start our "break" but still see each other, because we work together have the same mutual friends. So we continue seeing each other (hanging out, have sex every so often, It was a "mini relationship with out the title). So in November she approaches me and says she wants to give it another go and see what happens. I agreed with everything she said and wanted to but lets take it slow and not fall into the same traps we fell into before.

 

Where we work we are always under a close microscope and everyone knows each others business so we did not want to be in the spot light "oh they are getting back together, etc...) We are both very private people and did not want to be the center of attention, so the attempts to make it work and take it slow, were really slow.

Fast Forward to February I went over to her place to say lets take it to the next step and who cares about what other people think. Before I could say anything she tells me that she is moving away next year for a whole year and my heart drops. I held my thoughts and told her a week later what I was thinking that night she told me she was moving. I did not want to stop her from going but it really hurt me that she did not even run the plans by me first before she committed to this job. She said she just wanted to do something on her own and figure herself out a little bit. That hurt!

 

Just recently we have become more "friends" than "ex's". We went on a weekend trip and flirted and held hands but I did not want to make a move for the reason that I did not want to make an awkward situation even more awkward. We have talked briefly about traveling together in the future after this year apart.

 

I guess I am worried that I am in the "friendzone" now and will have no chance of ever getting out. I am so confused. Even though we broke up in June, I feel like it was just recently and I am stressed out about the situation. What should I do?

 

Little facts:

 

I am 28 she is 26

Our families want us to work out and are both "sad" about what is happening.

We have the same mutual friends that want it to work.

She is very independent and I cannot/ will not stop her from going on this adventure. I cannot go with her because of work.

She is going this weekend to visit a "friend" and I am confused as ever about this one but will not bring it up because "we are not together" and she can do what she wants.

 

There is a lot more to the story but hopefully you can help me out with advice and/or questions so I can fill in the blanks.

 

Thanks for reading and the advice.

[girl68]

You're right you can't stop her from going. I'd be willing to bet money that she's going half for the job and half to get away from you, the job, the regular grind, to sort her head, her feelings, to meet people, to see if someone is better for her.

 

You have every right to pull back. Doesn't sound like she wants to get back together and do the long distance thing. But it doesn't sound like she just wants you as a platonic strictly friends friend either. She wants it all.

 

She wants you to be there for her as a friend, but when she's horny she wants you to be there for sex. Then she wants to leave for a whole year to do her thing but probably will leave you with hope for the future when she comes back. And when she meets another guy, you'll just be a friend... but if that doesn't work out you'll be the great guy she knew she wanted all along. Get the picture?

 

She can't have it all. Your allowed to tell her that too! Tell her what YOU want. If you want to go slow that's cool- but don't forget about the trip abroad. If you're good at goodbyes then by all means dive in knowing she's leaving. If you know you might get hurt and don't want to say we're just friends, only friends that's all we can be.

[JLee26]

I have noticed thru many of these types of thread there is, well, a common thread. Age. I am beginning to think that at the age of 25-28 women seem to get their panties in a twist and feel the need to reinvent themselves (which is awesome). I think she is being fairly straight forward with you, she loves you, loves what you guys have together, doesn't want to hurt you, but needs some time and space to figure out what she wants and needs. I think this year abroad is more about self discovery and she is probably going to escape more than just you, she is probably going to escape what and who she is. In the hopes that she can return a new person and reestablish herself. This is an awesome thing that she is doing and taking the initiative to move abroad and discover herself should be applauded. While i know it may be difficult to let her go (clearly you love her) it truly is a great thing you are doing by not making her feel pressured to stay. Take the time while she is away to do some self discovery of your own. You may just find that you to have outgrown your current situation and when she does come home she may just find you a changed more grounded person. Stay in contact with her while she is away and i hope that all goes well for you in the future! Perhaps planning a going away party for her is in order?

[5105571]

JLee, I believe the phrase de jour for what you've been witnessing is "quarter-life crisis." Although I'm not a big fan of the name itself, it is a phenomenon that is common among college grads and people settling down into their careers and serious relationships. It's basically a kind of identity crisis where many people are attempting to find their place in the world.

 

As for thinkingalot, I know it sucks but you've said it yourself, you can't make her stay. The best thing is to probably take girl68's advice and let her know how you feel. Personally, I think the "friendzone" is one of the worst places to be, unless you're 100% okay with just being her friend. You're in a particularly tough situation because you share so many friends, so I don't know how you could ever completely cut her free if you decided you couldn't be her friend. I know it will be another year without her, but this trip may end up for the best anyways. Best of luck to you.