Should I break NC or when is it okay to break NC ???

[wanjirum]

Hi everyone (I'll just post a quick snipet of my background below):

 

Here's a snippet of the background:

 

My ex and I were in a long distance relationship. However during Jan we kept arguing and he called things off. After which we kept talking over the phone and I was hoping there would have been a chance once we saw each other over Easter. Luckily he ended up traveling to my country for business, in desperation and from all the stories I was hearing (from cousins and friends about other women he was messing about with). I decided to surprise him and meet him at the airport (it was a weird meeting but we finally warmed up and had a coffee. After which I he then traveled 40 minutes from my town to another town for business. Following my cousin's advice I decided to jump on a train and go meet him and talk things out, perhaps discuss what happened. But he was jet lagged and did not take the surprise too well . After which I proceeded to leave. I left him a letter and his birthday card and gift.

 

Now I am worried my actions only pushed hi further away and reaffirmed the fact he should have been with the other girl he had been messing around with. We haven't spoken for close to 6 weeks and this is very strange because we were in an intense relationship for 2 years and we had met each others parents. To make the situation worse we talked like every single day. Now I am not sure if this new girl is a rebound, everyone tells me she is the exact opposite of me (more submissive and less independent) and he also seems to be having a fling on the side with another different girl whilst with the current girl. So does that mean he doesn't really care about the current girl he is with? What makes things worse is he met her in the club or rather has suspected her of cheating twice and has forgiven her. I am worried as time passes he will forget me and get more serious with this girl or someone else and as we are getting older, perhaps get married before I move home.

 

Is this relationship a rebound? Does he still miss me? Should I make contact? Is there a chance for us?

 

Currently I am trying to work on myself but I am still so torn, I still love him and miss him dearly Does he even think about me? To make matters worse this new girl seems very calculative and she seems like she knows the game she is playing.

 

Thank you for your advice. Well I think the biggest mistake I made was after he broke up with me everyone tonnes told me NC, but I kept blowing him up on the cell and leaving him several of messages. I don't think he had a valid reason to break up apart from our arguments and this gave him another reason, saying I was too clingy and over smothering. Now I have been NC for over days and I still see no hope. I should be returning home in a month. What makes it worse we will definitely bump into each other, we hang out in the same clubs and around the same crowds. But worst of all I just miss his friendship terribly. But I guess the ball is in his court. Do you think this thing with this girl is serious?

 

Most importantly if I want to win him back shouldn't I initiate the friendship, talking stage ??? Especially it has just been brought to my attention that he is confused about which of the two women to hook up with. If he should leave the first relationship and get into a proper commitment with the second girl. I am worried because we haven't spoken in two months that he has probably so easily forgotten about me :'(. The only feed back I have gotten was once when he mentioned to a friend "I guess she has moved on, because she doesn't call anymore..." and I am not sure if that was mentioned in the best of contexts or perhaps it might have been. He also once mentioned around my friends he does miss our friendship. Now I am wondering whether this is he still on the rebound stage? Should I break NC or wait for him to do it, when I see him. Which will be worse because he will be around this other women. I know my Q. seem desperate but I just really do miss his friendship.

 

All input is highly appreciated .

 

* *

[Leveller]

Women who have turned up unexpectedly to find me have usually had the opposite effect of what they intended. It looks and feels like stalking and makes me feel claustrophobic. If I only took my own advice I would have backed off a long time ago.

[wanjirum]

Thank you for the advice. I know I shouldn't have surprised him (but know point singing shoulda, woulda, coulda) just needed the closure, but you would think after 60+ days he might have let it go ???? And moreover the reason we got together is because we were really good friends to begin with :/. So should I break contact ???

[Leveller]

It's not only about breaking contact it's about giving the other time and space for the other party to reflect on their actions, decide what/who they want and go from there. Like I said, maybe I should have taken my own advice sooner.

[wanjirum]

In retrospect I do agree with you, I wish I listened to my inner voice. However I also think there was a slight amount of sabotage from some 'friends' around us (mutual friends). It is hard to say or point out currently because with the distance and lack of communication, it is difficult to tell. But it has been 60 days plus and I have this deep line of anxiety within me, I do wish he could just contact me.

[CaliGuy]

It's NEVER ok for the DUMPEE to break NC.

It's always OK for the DUMPER to break NC.

 

When we are dumped we give up a lot of our personal power to our exs (all of our dignity and self-respect). I'm a firm believer in the only way to get that back is to NEVER contact them.

 

By the time an ex comes sniffing around again we're usually at a good point in our life where confidence and self-respect has returned and we can truly say "get bent" to them with a smile on our faces.

[wanjirum]

Thank you for the links ). But you know it is sooo hard when you have this anxiety and are worried perhaps keeping away might make things worse. Seeing that you might just drift away, or when I go back home it might just end up being one of those strange situations :/. awkward moments, and I really do miss his friendship. We were great friends before we broke it off.

 

And as for the sabotage or foul play from friends I would like to get to the bottom of it all and the only way to achieve this would be via beginning communication again.

 

He has mentioned he would like to be friends again with me. Also he has also mentioned he thinks I am over him seeing that it has been 6 weeks plus. It is so hard not calling, especially when it would just be easier to talk to him about my problems. I also can't lie I endlessly worry that perhaps the first girl was a rebound and now this other girl he is confused about might now be his final step to closing the door.

 

DO you think I ruined any hope or a chance at all ???

[wanjirum]

Is anyone there ??? The worst thing is that I don't think I can move home for another two years and he seems like he wants to get married fast . And now he is seeing this new girl(s). Has he totally forgotten about us/ me ???? :/. Is there any hope ????

[samfish]

As someone (a guy) who is in a very similar situation as you are, I don't think it's hopeless, really.

After everything you said, it's hard to say because we don't know much about him. I can personally say that if I were him, I don't think I'd be so dense as to not know that you want me back. Contrary to what most of you girls tend to think, most of us guys aren't THAT thick! At any rate, knowing that and assuming I ever had any real feelings for you, I would at LEAST feel conflicted.

 

It really depends on what he is saying to you now and how he is saying it. If he seems less cool and icy towards you than at the beginning of the break up, then now might be the time is SUBTLY start going after him. Wait at least a couple weeks since you last contacted him and just be friendly and confident. No agenda, no nothing.

Us guys love attention from women and having our egos stroked. Don't slobber all over him and tell him how great he was, but if you get a chance, just maybe mention to him as an aside how he always had a great sense of humor or something when you contact him. Or whatever aspect of his personality that you know he was proud of. Try to make him feel nostalgic a little.

 

 

I'm not entirely clear on how long it's been since you last contacted him at this point. When you do re-contact him, he'll be suspicious that you want him back, which, unless he feels he wants you back too, will probably cause him to clam up the first several times you talk. You have to just talk to him about anything BUT your relationship. Never ever bring it up. Get him to the point where he is comfortable and enjoying talking to you again. It might feel like starting over, but things will hopefully move a lot faster the second time around.

 

Again, wait another couple of weeks before trying to contact him and use that time to really better yourself. Say screw it and find a guy to go out on a date with, if only to remember what it feels like to be in that flirty, courtship phase and mindframe. Exercise daily, do hobbies, go out with friends and all that.

Once you're feeling stronger and better about yourself, then go for it. You have nothing to lose, so just play it smart and careful.

As was said, NC is great for getting yourself back together, but it's hardly a guarantee to repair your relationship. Sometimes you have to be a little more proactive.

You know how your relationship with this guy is better than anyone else around here. I say think about it and choose the best path.

[wanjirum]

So after 70+ of no contact I got a phone call today morning. And to my shock and horror it was my ex. So I figured he might have dialed by mistake, so I didn't pick up. However I few minutes later I received another missed call from him. But I still never picked up. I never wanted to seem to eager furthermore as time flew past, I started wondering why he was calling. What did he want? How weird the conversation would be. So I haven't called him back yet. I am wondering if he is contacting me (as a friend) or is he trying to reach out. Has he missed me? Is he may be just curious about how I am and when I am going home (or perhaps even guilty about he last treated me when he saw me). I have no idea, I have been wishing and praying that he calls and when he finally does, I don't even know if I should now return the phone call. I still care about him and I think I had only just started getting over the depression and working through to the 'getting over' stage .... I am not sure I am ready to talk to him (but my curiosity is killing me, what does he want?) I am trying to decide whether I should call (and play it amicable cool calm and collected).

 

 

I should add that when I go back home, we have the same friends and hang around the same circles. So there is no avoiding each other, so sooner or later we will meet and talk. Perhaps sooner is better? Someone please tell me .... should I call today or tomorrow ??? (anxiously confused) :/.

[CaliGuy]

If he didn't leave a message or email or text you then you can assume he was fishing to make sure you're still on his line. It wasn't because he loves and cares about you. It's always for their own selfish reasons. Their own self-validation.

 

Don't answer, don't call him. Unless he says "I screwed up, I made a big mistake and I want to try again" no reason for you calling you is worth answering the phone.

 

No message = not important.

[wanjirum]

But the weird thing is I would like to be friends with him, once I get over him. We were really good friends before all the crazy relationship 'thingys' .... and I do live in a Utopian fantasy world. Yes I do believe ex's can be friends ... it takes hard work from both parties. But ex's can be friends . me and my first boy friends are really good pals.

[CaliGuy]

But the weird thing is I would like to be friends with him, once I get over him.

 

Until what I have highlighted in bold has occurred, you simply can not be friends with him lest you want to put your life on hold. And when you do that, you may in fact let the right person come into and walk out of your life because you were hung up on the WRONG one.

 

No one new can come into your life until you are over the OLD/WRONG one.

 

We were really good friends before all the crazy relationship 'thingys' .... and I do live in a Utopian fantasy world. Yes I do believe ex's can be friends ... it takes hard work from both parties. But ex's can be friends . me and my first boy friends are really good pals.

 

Yes, you can be friends with an ex only WHEN both are you are in love with someone else.

[wanjirum]

Hmm Cali Guy I disagree with your post ... I have to say I am at the end stage of acceptance and it is only human to miss someone (who most importantly I was friends with from the beginning). Anyway I proceeded to contact him, but just via text simple 2 sentences and he replied, saying he was just saying hi and breaking the ice .... At least we have communication now, and once we see each other it won't be that strange. I am content with us being friends. But he was the first serious relationship I have ever had and for this reason it will take a while to get used to. But I just hope things can go back to the way the used to be.

 

You only live once, at times try an optimistic approach to life. You rather have lived and loved hard, rather than lived and not loved at all. Take it as a lesson and a preparation for better things to come. At times rules and regulations and stipulations and expectations and pessimism can dictate your life into such confined zones . Be young and free Cali ... there is someone out there for you.

[CaliGuy]

If it works for you and you can handle it fine, then so be it. What I don't want is people who are still in love with their exs to feel like they can be friends with them too. Sometimes, it just doesn't work.

 

As for things going back to the way they used to be, that's doubtful. The dyamnics have changed. The past is the past and can not be changed.

 

And it's not about me being pessimistic. It's more or less being honest with one's self and understanding that you can't change people or circumstances. The only thing you have control over is yourself.

 

Cheers.

[wanjirum]

So I decided to go with my instinct yesterday and just text. Also because a mutual friends of ours called me to verify whether I was avoiding him (which would have seemed petty or deemed like I still have a grudge or feelings).

 

I decided not to call him back but rather just send him a text:

 

Hi, missed your call. Wsup? Wanj

 

He then replied:

 

Nothing, touching base.

 

This infuriated me, the fact that I actually gave him the benefit of the doubt.

So I get up the next morning and I receive a call at 08:19am my time (bearing in mind there is a 2 hour difference).

 

After which he left a voice mail, and in my head (I was wondering what does he want ??? )

 

The voice mail was as follows "hi, wanjiru just calling to say hi and see how you are doing it has been a while. It's now becoming apparent you are avoiding me"

 

So I then ponder my next cause of action, should I call or text ... or should I give it a few days. I don't want him to think I am avoiding his calls (this may seem immature and we will be seeing each other in 3 wees, all our friends are mutual friends, even family) though. SOooo I decided it might be best just to call and play it cool, calm and collected but be in control of the conversation, so deem when the right time to hang up is.

 

So the conversation was as follows:

 

Me: Hi ______

Him: Hi how are you it has been a while?

Me: I am fine. How have you been?

Him: I have been ok, you are a difficult person to get a hold of these days.

Me: Not really just that yesterday with exams and all it was difficult, I never had my phone on me and I was asleep earlier.

Him: Really you sleep better these days.

Hmm well I attempt to. How have you been otherwise?

Him: I have been well, it has been raining a lot.

(When the cue changed to rain and I had nothing else to say- rather I did not want to reveal too much information about myself, I thought it best to end the conversation. He also sounded like he was in front of people).

Me: Anyway I need to run and get on with my day it's 08:40am ...

Him: What time is it?

Me: 08:40am .... so it was nice talking to you.

Him: Have a nice day.

Me: Have a nice day also. Bye.

 

So far what are your takes on what his motives are? I am inclined to think just friendship ....

[wanjirum]

I know it is a Friday, but he hasn't called, and I do miss seeing his name on my phone. All in all I am not going to contact him, yet what keeps puzzling me is what his motives were in contacting me ???? Any ideas people ???

[david_ryan]

Really, do not contact him. When he texts/calls you next you really should ignore them and just smile sweetly to yourself that he's trying to contact you.

 

eventually if it is meant to be, he will try to part the ocean to be with you (or at least show up at your door, crying, begging, apologizing... etc.)

 

don't worry, it will drive him nuts that you are not responding. it will. either way either seems you will run into him. but seems you are not still done with your own inside work, and are thinking so much about outside your self. stuff that will drive you nuts, and gives away your power.

 

just smile sweetly to yourself when he calls, you pass him on the street ect... and try to think of something else wonderful in your life.

 

when it's all too much for me, i think of my niece Selma smiling at me.

[wanjirum]

So I guess I made a mistake calling then . ???? I am so confused I thought the NC thing works and you wait for them to contact you :/. SO confused and frazzled help someone :/.

[guitarplayer1234]

So I guess I made a mistake calling then . ???? I am so confused I thought the NC thing works and you wait for them to contact you :/. SO confused and frazzled help someone :/.

 

The best thing NC can be used for is to heal yourself and take time to move on. Yes sometimes NC sometimes works to make them contact you however right now this guy seems to be only interested in making small talk with you. If I were you I would continue NC to move on. I've always told myself if a guy really wanted me back he would make an effort to do so and would do anything to get me back. Right now it only seems like you are hurting yourself because you have such high hopes that he wants to get back with you and over analyzing all he says. Don't prolong the healing process, and stop contacting him.

[klee]

So I guess I made a mistake calling then . ???? I am so confused I thought the NC thing works and you wait for them to contact you :/. SO confused and frazzled help someone :/.

 

Yes, you should not have called him back. But, what's done is done.

 

I think sometimes NC works to bring them back but in most cases, it is not going to work that way. Use the time to REALLY move on and take care of yourself. Forget about what your friends are gonna say or think. If they are really your friends, they will not judge you for it, they will support it.

 

Listen to everyone else who posted here and don't contact him and ignore him if he tries to get in touch with you.

 

If he wants you back, you will DEFINITELY know it.

[wanjirum]

Hi everyone,

 

So I got news this weekend that the reason he contacted me, was because he run into a mutual friend of ours who has just went home for a 2 week break. He was asking her about me and saying he misses me, and she was like you should give her a call. And his excuse was he was giving me space. Well I guess he eventually decided to give me a call. And he mentioned to her, well as a conversation starter "...I guess you heard me and your friend broke up..." .... why would he mention this, and I am sure he knew she must have known. Especially after I embraced the pathetic route and tried to fix things between us ????

 

Furthermore his 'girlfriend' and him are apparently together but I am not too sure it is going strong. But the there has been a slight disagreement between the girl he was playing his current 'girlfriend' with, and they are not in talking terms.Actually to be exact he ended up getting of with her friend.

 

The reason I am sharing this information is because this is totally out of his character he is usually a sweet loving individual and loyal whilst in a relationship. Furthermore he goes out a lot more these days and drinks a lot from what I have heard.

 

I need you to understand I am not going out to receive this information it is just that between me and him we have 0.5 degrees of separation. Pretty difficult to get away from each other, and when I do some mutual friend always appears with news about him.

 

Now I am really depressed talking to him brought back all these feelings and I also miss him. I worry I was too cold, indifferent and nonchalant in the last conversation and this might have pulled him away if he was trying to make amends and I am ruining the chances. I would like us to be friends, I miss our friendship. Do you think there is still hope we could perhaps work out ????

 

.... (Anxiously confused) ....

 

What do you think (all comments and opinions are welcome) ....

 

P.S- I know I should be working on me, but it is so hard. I am doing much better, but with all the online blogs and links and web sites. Can you really win an ex back or let them find their way back into your heart ????

[wanjirum]

Please leave a comment or opinion all opinions are greatly appreciated .

[juschilln]

just let it be and work on yourself. like everyone else is sayin on this thread stay no contact. you will know when he truly wants u back like u said your mutual friend said he misses u thats one sign but dont give in too quick or he will get back the power!

[Leveller]

I agree with the above post. Please trust me and play hard to get. Let him do the running but try not to make it a marathon.