two men - both gone

[Guinness]

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Well, I suppose you can't really give advice on my problem but I just need to get it off my chest because I am hurting!

 

I had a boyfriend for almost 2 years now, we were really happy together and everybody thought it's the perfect relationship. He even asked me if I would want to get engaged.

But then a couple of months ago the whole thing turned out to be a problem, we both were under lots of stress, not only because we both had really important exams ahead but also because we both had really big problems in our families. So we were fighting lots but still loved each other.

 

He studies in a different city than I so I went out without him and met another guy. With this guy it really was like struck by lightning, but I tried to do the right thing and told him that I had a boyfriend. He was really down but we decided to stay friends. Everything was OK, we met again at a party and started kissing. Not good. I felt horrible. I decided to tell my boyfriend when I got home. The other guy wanted to talk to me and told me that he didn't want to be the reason for me ending my relationship. I told him that it was my problem and not his fault and we decided to stay friends, meet up and try to get to know each other and then see what happens.

 

Then I told my boyfriend. It was horrible, it hurt so much. He really was hurt but we decided to talk again when I am back home. We now are not together but he wants me back although he knows about the other guy.

 

The other guy told me right after I broke up with my boyfriend that he thought about it and decided that we should brake it off because he is not sure what he wants. And because during summer holidays he is in another city then me and we probably wont see each other much.

 

I feel horrible. I know you could say that it's my own fault but I didn't do the things I did because I am selfish but because I felt the way I did. And I always tried to stay completly honest with both of them! I still care about my boyfriend and I don't want to loose him but I do not love him enough to be engaged to him. And I think it's unfair to just stay together with him because it would be the most comfortable solution. And I still care about the other guy but I think that what he did was not only correct and I definitly do not want somebody like him in my life.

 

so, any advice from anybody?

[velvet]

Stay far away from both men. You can only cause yourself more confusion and emotional stress. Let them both go and giver yourself time to heal.

 

Your not in love with your first b/f and the second one is making excuses of why you shouldn't be together. The only thing I could suggest is to leave them both be. Find your own life and enjoy the search.

[Tony T]

Your behavior clearly indicates you are not ready for a long term relationship.

 

Surely you did not want to stay with your old boyfriend because if you did you wouldn't kiss some guy and run back and tell him. That's insanity. Perhaps unconsciously you wanted to end it.

 

In any case you are not behaving as a lady who is in love with any particular man. Stay away from these guys, play the field, and wait for yourself to be ready. Meanwhile, have fun and enjoy yourself.

 

You may never pass this way again.

[Guinness]

Tony, when I tried to analyse the situation and to find out what really happened that is what I realized.

 

I know that I am not ready for a relationship that serious. I am 21, I don't want to have to think about living together, marriage and having children. If I would have to I would feel totally trapped.

 

And I know that I still love my boyfriend, I really do. The time we spent together was really special, and he is the person I care most about and trust most in this world next to my parents.

 

We just know each other so well we can't really hate each other because we exactly know what the other one is thinking. But that is what makes the whole thing so difficult. Because I don't hate him I can't just dump him. And because I know that we work, I mean the relationship would work for the rest of my life if I want to it makes it so difficult to end it. And he wants me back no matter what happened.

 

So I think the right thing is to end it because right now I can't give him what he deserves. The best solution would be to end the relationship and see if we will come together in the future. But he does not want to give me time to think, and I understand that because he is 4 years older than me and is looking for somebody he can spend his life with, not only a significant other for a period of time!

 

And with the other guy. I am sure that what I felt for him was real and not just my imagination. But if he doesn't know what he wants then that's his problem! I am definitly not gonna run after him!

 

I just feel really confused because I do not know what I feel at the moment, and it is so dificult because I have time until next Saturday to decide what to do. I am just afraid of not having the strengh and wisdom to make the right decision so the opinion of somebody not involved in the whole thing might help me see what I really want.