Update: You're gonna love this...

[Natalia]

Hey guys,

 

I've been away for a while as my life was seeming to get back to normal. Of course, this was just an illusion. Things were just the same as always, I was just unaware! Dramatic events contained within. This could well be in the wrong section, bc it covers a multitude of issues (and sins)...

 

I'll re-cap for those who are new/erased the sorry situation from their heads in a wise move. My ex and I had been having problems communicating, and I thought that I still had feelings for him. People on this board gave me great advice that pointed to me what a loser he was anyway, and I got to thinking that he wasn't good for me to have in my life anyway (the thread is called "I still want him...does he want me too" any gluttons for punishmenr out there )

 

So, I started putting little notes up around my place, reminding me not to call/text him bc he is a loser. They worked great, and I genuinely lowered my opinion of him. Simultaneously, I was making new friends and getting on particularly well with a mutual Fof who we'll call L here. L is part of the same extended circle of friends as me, and we hit it off immediately. She has known my ex since their first year in University, as they were in halls (dorms?) together, along with others. There was a trust and understanding between us, and I told her a lot of personal things about my relationship with him. I even told her that I posted messages on an internet forum! She knew how much he hurt me, and we agreed that his head was not exactly a placid place to be. she in turn confided in me. It seemed like we had a good basis of friendship for the year ahead.

 

We've had exams recently ( I *still* have ), so we haven't been hanging out that much, but we've been meeting in the library, and having coffee breaks together about 2 or 3 times a week.

 

Simultaneously, I have been getting on great with my ex's best friend and housemate (we'll call him S), even more so since we stopped talking about my ex. I have been going through the thing where I wasn't sure if I just liked him as a friend, or if I liked him in a different way. He is attractive, and very very sweet. Has a lot of time for his friends, and has been wonderful about my Ex. He makes me laugh so much, and I just love hanging out with him- he makes me happy. You probably know what I'm going to say next....there has always been an element of flirtation in out friendship, and it all came to a head (ahem) last friday at a houseparty when we kissed, and eventually slept together...

 

....Yes yes I know before you say it. *I know.* But I really wanted to. I explained to him before that I had been thinking about him in a different way over the last few weeks, but I also didn't want our friendship to change for the worst. S said the same. It was a lot of fun actually, and the next morning we talked at length about it. There seemed to be obvious sensitivities; i.e. the fact that S is the best friend of my ex (he lives with him). I wouldn't want S to think that I slept with him to get back at Ex (to be honest, I don't think he would really care, he's such an insensitive bastard), and for this reason I didn't want to go back with S to his place (we went to mine,as it was just around the corner from the houseparty). It was started by me being flirty and tactile, but S welcomed it!

 

Generally speaking, the consensus between us was that it might be a good idea to keep it quiet, bc it might rock the boat a bit on both sides (S is involved in some bizarre unrequited love sitch). We both agreed that it wouldn't spawn any relationship, and whilst he thought that it might have been a mistake if it changes our friendship, I disagreed. I had fun, and I wouldn't rule out it happening again. But I know there are obvious problems with this; namely that there *would* then be some change in dynamic if there was an expectation there. I still think just as much of him as before , and we spent much of the morning just chatting away, not as if nothing had happened, but in acknowledgment, and the same level of closeness as before. Perhaps more,as we talked a lot about other relationships, and family, etc. I still stand beside my belief that S and I have a much better friendship than I ever did with my Ex.

 

S said that his main concern was that if things got weird between us, I would start to hate him like I hate my ex (true). I laughed, and said that as long as you don;t start behaving like a dick, then you're safe. Seriously though, I care a lot about S and don't want to threaten anything any more that we might have done...

 

 

I'm really keen for things to not get weird between us. I don;t get weird about sex with friends as long as the other party doesn't- I said this to him which relieved him a but I think. But I don't want to over-analyse it. I'm trying so hard to act toward him in a way that I would anyway, regardless of the fact that we have now been intimate with each other. Please don't tell me i've ruined everything....Help! I don't want to over compensate. We will both be here this summer, and I want us to still hang out and have fun.

 

There's more....I was really needing to tell someone about S. So, I phoned up L yesterday, and swore her to secrecy. She knows both of us, and that's partly why I needed to say something to her. She was a little ropey as she had been out the night before. We didn't talk for long, as I needed to get some studying done, but she said she'd call me later.

 

Then I heard this: my housemate is friends with a girl who is roommates with a friend of L (phew! That wonderful incestuous university grapevine), and L had mentioned to this friend that she had hooked up with my ex last night!!!!!!!! That was weird enough, so I texted S to find out from him what this was the I had heard about. He texted me back saying, "Don't think much happened last night. But they've had their moments recently. They used to see each other in the 1st year. Can't say anymore about it." So, my housemate got in the phone to extrapolate more info from this friend of her's who is in the know. It then transpires that this has been going on for a while (!), and L and my ex sort of like each other...whhaaatt?? All I could think of was that I had confided in so much to her about him, and she didn't tell me?

 

I wanted to give her the chance to tell me herself, so I phoned her and asked it their was anything that she wanted to tell me about the night before. She said, "Nothing much happened last night." Bulls***t, I thought and asked her what about recently...I was just amazed that L really believed that it wouldn't get back to me. I felt really disappointed that L, my friend, couldn't tell me this to my face. L then tells me that they have been hooking up since just after the time that him and I split up (march), and she and I became good friends in April/May. I pushed her for information for two main reasons: I needed to know if my ex was full of **** when he gave his reasons for not wanting to be with anyone (answer:yes), plus I needed to have timescale of opportunities that she had to tell me about this. After all that I have told her....I feel really betrayed.

 

They slept together 2 weeks ago. I was gutted when she told me this. I mean, I *know* he is a bastard. But her- I am really disappointed. She said that she hasn't been sure how to say any of this to me, and she has meant to....I really don't know what to do. It's like this; I don't want us to fall out, bc that means bastard ex wins. But I want her to continue to feel bad. I dealt with it very calmly and maturely, although my anger was visible. I couldn't give a flying screw about him. ( i actually wish I had gone back to his house with S now. Interestingly, this means that S knew all along....is this why he was so keen for me to come back with him??) I *am* very hurt that L didn't respect my confidence and sensitivities. I stressed to her that the business with me and S did not cancel out her and my ex. I said that I now wished that I

hadn't confided in her, as I didn't feel that I could trust her. Very sad. She sounded upset. Good.

 

I think the mature thing for us to do is to talk. We are meeting tonight to go see a film, and have a drink. I asked her what this is all about; he graduates next week, and leaves. She said that they hadn't spoken about it, that she finds him unapproachable (boding well, huh? ). We'll see. I really need help on this one, guys! Am I doing the right thing? Does she not deserve my friendship? Plus, I feel bad about interrogating S about this. How can I make sure things don't get weird in light of this? Did we do such a bad thing?

 

One thing is for sure: You sure as hell can't trust people when pheromones are involved...

 

Natalia xx

[Tony T]

I usually don't read novels this early in the morning but your's had nice paragraphs so I made an exception.

 

Also, using letters for names of people makes it very difficult for me to follow the story line in a lengthy item but I also made an exception and did my best to understand.

 

It was wrong for your friend to be seeing your ex and to sleep with him, plain and simple. But you have to understand that the morals of today have degenerated tremendously and the quality of some friends on some occasions is not what it should be.

 

I should write her off simply because of the nature of what she did. She obviously knew it was wrong because she didn't tell you about it. Yes, it is painful to lose a friend but once you have been betrayed by someone more betrayals usually follow if you keep them in your life.

 

On the other hand, even though you can't trust her, she did you the biggest favor possible because she has made it all the more easier for you to forget this ex of yours.

 

I would love to write more because while I remember the general nature of your post, I don't remember a lot of the particulars. It was very long and I just got out of bed.

[Natalia]

Tony,

 

I started typing and sort of couldn't stop...I too had just got out of bed and needed to vent in one long load of prose.

 

In future, I will be more consise.

 

About using lettes instead of names- The friend is Leanne. The male friend is Steve. The ex doesn't deserve to be humanised.

 

Thankyou for reading my post. I am glad that you see my point of view. However, I don't want to just erase Leanne from my life over this. I want to show everyone that *I* am better than this. I am meeting Leanne this evening to see Monster's Ball (just been released over here in the UK). We had planned this last week, and I want to be the mature one here. We will talk. In the future, I will just be more careful about what I say to her. Trust needs to be earned.

 

I spoke to Steve about this today. He doesn't understand why I am so angry about this. I don't want him to think that I am upset about my ex, as I really mean it when I say that I am disappointed with Leanne. It's not so hard to understand is it?

For the record, Leanne thinks I am being perfectly reasonable, which I don't care about anyway, but it does give me credit.

 

I am worried that Steve thinks I am a psycho ex girlfriend. I care all the more what he thinks of my reactions to this bearing in mind what happened between us this weekend. He told me that I should be careful what I say about this; as it could be 'easily misconstrued and upset people.' I hope that doesn't mean him.

 

I think a lot of Steve's reaction to my ex and Leanne is connected to his reaction to our hook up this w/e. It's almost like he's trying to reassure me that hook ups are not a big deal. Steve said, "They slept together a couple of times. Big deal. They used to go out. I don't see what you'r so bothered about." Now I wish I hadn't mentioned anything to him at all, because I only gave a short angry soundbite, not the whole overview. So he just thinks I am spitting blood about this, for no reason. Not true!

 

I feel like my words and actions are total contradictions. I'm all the libertine in one hand, "Hey Steve, we slept together. Cool!", and then on the other I'm all, "Leanne and Ex slept together. That's not cool!" . But it was hidden from me. That 'ain't cool!

 

Frustration!

Off to bash my head against a wall...

[BeReal]

Perhaps Steve feels a bit guilty when you complain about what Leanne has done to you. Steve has kind of been doing the same thing to his friend (your ex) that Leanne has been doing to you.

 

As for Leanne hooking up with your ex, I guess what would bother me the most is wondering if everything you confided in her she then told your ex. It does seem dishonest but maybe she has kept your confidences.

[quankanne]

boy, you've got a lot of confusing feelings in this situation, but it all boils down to this, I think: Is your friendship with "L" more important than the anger/hate you feel for your ex? While it's kind of tacky knowing that a friend of yours is dating your ex, you also have to remember what a worm the guy is, and chances are, he's not going to evolve past that level, not unless something miraculous happens between the two of them.

 

Are you willing to take the high road in your friendship with her, even if you feel like you've been slighted? You say you don't want the two of you to fall out, because that means the bastard wins, yet you also want her to continue to feel bad. What's more important? Hating the ex or keeping up with someone who could become a good friend?

 

Also, you say you're hurt that "L" didn't respect your confidences and sensitivities. Because she's dating a guy you hate? I's a free country and people can date whoever they want, and chances are she didn't know how to tell you because she didn't want to hurt you. Besides, are you 100 percent positive and without a doubt that she's told him the stuff you told her? Chances are, she hasn't, because she likes you ....

 

It takes a big person to forgive someone who's done them wrong, but in comparison, she's going to be in for a bigger world of hurt by daing that jackass ex-boyfriend of yours. If you're serious about being her buddy, put the crap about your ex behind you, because she's going to need you when he starts being a jerk to her.

 

Otherwise, stop jerking her around and just end the relationship. You don't need to be petty about the situation, you're not in junior high anymore!