Future with an addict?

[amybett]

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 3 months and dating for 2 1/2 years, (I'm 29 he's 31) with plans for marriage and children. Since moving in, he has chosen to relapse with one gambling binge and also one bout of drinking before work, (to deal with the newfound stresses of living together). Both are unacceptable to me.

I knew of his addiction, rehab and recovery from meth / crack / coke / gambling / beer / marijuana when we began dating, and never imagined I would have to deal with a relapse or slip up! (ignorant maybe??) I admired him for putting his addictions behind him,(clean for 4 years) and for keeping addictions in the past. But since the relapses, I have seen him as pathetic and have lost respect for him, and have treated him badly.

I've asked him to leave, thinking that I can't willingly "sign up" for the potential futures I see, or could imagine for us. I don't want to search hiding places, smell his breath, count his money, and live in anxiety for the rest of our lives simply waiting for the next mistake. But love and ideas of second chances are keeping me on the fence, unable to decide if it should end....I'm feeling lost, I just don't know if I can handle this, he says he wants something better with me, and is willing to go to meetings again, and even start couples counseling, but that dosen't kill the demonds, does it...I also don't want to be the pillar of strength, because he can't be one for me in return. I can't be the reason he looks to for wanting a better life. He should want that on his own.

I would appreciate advice/wisdom for either argument:

A) Removing him from my life now.

B) Continuing life with an addict.

Thanks to all and strength for everyone.

[Bill]

Ok,

So this is a 50/50 chance. You don't even get this option right away on Millionaire.. you have to use a "life line".

 

This guy obviously has some problems. These are problems that he chose to have. Since you have lost respect for him, it is best to let him go. He tried to quit these things before, as you have said, and failed.

 

You made this choice way too easy on the reply poster. You're asking to be with a drug addict, or not to be with a drug addict. Well, I'd advise you should take choice A, and get rid of this person you have no respect for.

 

You can find someone else that will treat you better. You just have to be ready to be treated better, and no to expect someone to treat you like dirt.

 

This man is 31 years old and should know better that doing these things could hurt himself, or even worse you. You risk not only your respect for him, but your life as well if you stay with him. Drugs affect your thoughts and the motor fuctions of your brain, he won't be himself, and he WON'T be thinking of you if he's completely gone on these drugs.

 

Do not wait around and find out what he may be capable of.

 

Remember, sometimes people tell you what you want to hear, but they do not tell you the truth. Someone that lies in order to deceive is worse than a murderer. How can this man care about you if he continues to do the thing that hurts you the most? He can't.

 

End this before it goes too far.

 

__________________

Bill

[Tony T]

You have no choice but to remove him from your life. A person with an addictive personality will always find something to attach it to, be it alcohol, drugs, gambling, overspending, the Internet, sex, etc.

 

Addictions are a symptom of deeper problems, usually with their source in a person's traumatic childhood. People look for things to fill major voids in their psyche, voids which were not filled by a family filled with abuse, lack of love, abandonment, alcohol, etc.

 

Before a person can get over their addictions, which they use to numb the pain of their past, they must recognize and address the suppressed anger and resentment they feel from those early experiences. The process is long and arduous.

 

By sticking by someone who has issues with hair on them, you become a codependent and simply exist to feed into the issues of the dysfunctional person. If you want to read more about this syndrome, use a good search engine like http://www.google.com and enter terms like "dysfunctional family," "adult children," "addictions," etc. You'll get more material than you have time to read.

 

Staying with somebody like this will be a certain dead end. Once he recognizes and acknowledges his problems it could take years of therapy, reading and hard work for him to completely heal and become a fully actualized human being.

 

You could suggest he seek counselling or a support group for his problems. There is probably no better organization for dealing with this kind of dysfunction than Alcholics Anonymous, with its twelve-step program. However, it's not likely he'll do anything until some major negative event (such as you're leaving) triggers him to seek help.

 

Don't feel sorry for him. Every man is the architect of his own destiny. You worry about yours.