femme fa·tale–noun -leads men into difficult, dangerous, or disastrous situations.

[OldtownJunkie]

I was nine years old when we first met. We didn’t really get to know each other that well until alas, we were fifteen and he had finally found singlehood. I remember the day I had found out him and his girlfriend of nearly four years had broken up and I eyed him as he passed through the hall. From that point on we were as good as friends can get. A year later, he was my boyfriend and together we were attempting our survival of adolescence. By the age of seventeen, we were headed off to college. Because we were never apart, we found it difficult to adjust to the college lifestyle, and we moved home within a year. Our first mistake (or fifth…) came along when we returned home and rented an apartment together. Before our year lease was up, I freaked out, I “needed space,” and I left.

 

I’ve been gone ever since.

 

I’ve moved to eight different places in three different cities in three different states in four years. I’ve had several different jobs, I’ve had a few boyfriends, and I’ve learned a lot along the way.

 

But even after four years, I can’t seem to disconnect from my old relationship. Nor can I find enough clarity to determine my connection. I don’t know if I miss the comfort of him and our home. I don’t know if my feelings toward him are love or mere confusion. He is still one of my best friends, and someone I talk to on a regular basis, but I don’t know what to do with our friendship. I hate the thought of not having him in his life, and I hate that I have missed out on parts of his. I feel like I just want to pick up everything and move home again and be with him. At the same time, the thought terrifies me.

 

My hang ups:

. ~ I live 1100 miles away

. ~ Home isn’t a good place to get a job, especially a good one.

. - I have a good job now.

. ~ He has an okay job, but isn’t financially stable.

. - I am financially stable and I don’t want to support anyone.

. ~ I have a boyfriend. Whom I live with.

. - I’m miserable in my current relationship.

 

I’ve never really been single. I can’t figure out if I’m just yet again, trying to line up another relationship. Sometimes I feel like a man-eater. I suck men into serious relationships and then hang them out to dry. I feel like I fall head over heals for people and then one day, I’m just over it. I’m done. And that’s it. I’ve done this to every boyfriend I’ve had.

 

I’ve never had a one night stand. All my relationships have been for at least a year, except for one, which was a mere six months. I’ve kissed three people I haven’t dated. I’ve wasted a lot of time in relationships, but I don’t know how to exist outside of one.

 

I feel like a nut case. And a fraud. I obsess over people and then do things behind their backs. Two nights ago I went out like I was single. Though not even a kiss came of it, a guy came back with me to my hotel room while I was out on vacation without my boyfriend. So here I am, living with my boyfriend, having feelings for my ex, and then having late nights/early mornings with another guy. But does this late night negate my feelings over my long lost ex, or do I just have feelings for anyone who might be available and of the opposite sex? I am so lost and in dire need of some sort of direction, even if it’s the wrong one.

[Ronni_W]

OTJ,

I don't have specific information for you. I do think it's terrific that you have such a clear picture of your ineffective/non-productive patterns and habits. That's not "nut case" behaviour <lol>.

It could just be the case that your prior decisions didn't allow you the space in which to grow and develop your own sense of 'self'; of who you are on your own (sounds as if it was more as you within the context of being part of a couple.)

 

A therapist or life coach may be able to help you get clear about your own current-day vision, values, needs, desires, goals, etc.