Feeling Rotten.

[distressed]

I met a wonderful girl last Christmas, and our relationship started off great. The problem was that she lived in another country and we only got to see each other once every two or three months. I decided to move to be with her, and close my company (which wasn't going well anyway). Due to the distance, we would occasionally argued online out of lonliness and frustration. After one breakup, I went online and emailed a classified advert about connecting. I never had the courage to follow through, and actually forgot that I sent it. The relationship was on track for another two months, with another visit from her. On this trip, it was formally decided that I would move to be with her. A little while after she left, I emailed a massage service one evening before I moved. Never following through, and forgot about it. I moved to her city, and all was well for three months (normal ups and downs, but improving every day).

 

I had a family emergency that called me out of the country, and a few days after I left she broke up with me (wasn't the first time she broke up with me, she confessed that she did it in her previous relationship). I was devastated. We still talked online every day, and while we definately weren't together (she was seeing other people), things were postive.

 

Now for the problem. She was going through my email the other night, with my permission, and found the old emails. I assured her that I never had the nerve to follow through with them and I felt horrible about doing it (even more so now). However, now she is very upset and our friendship is in danger.

 

She says I was cheating on her, and I can understand her logic. However, when faced with it (not face to face), I knew I could never do it. I have never cheated on anyone and I never would - I can say that with a clear heart.

 

Why did I do it? The first time, I was hurt and upset. I knew she was ocassionally going out with guy friends and I tried not to let that bother me. I was insecure --- my business was failing and I wasn't happy. The massage service: I knew I was heading to be with her, and I could be with her the rest of my life. I had friends make jokes about marriage before, but I was staring down the barrell.

 

Why do I want her in my life? We work well together, have similar intersts and shared goals. Out of all the women I've ever dated, she's made a great impact on my life. I don't want to lose her, she really is a wonderful person.

 

After typing this, I realize even more what an *ss I was. I would do anything to have her back as a friend. Do I stand a chance? If so, how do I do it?

 

I can also say, that once I arrived in her city the relationship was much, much more stable. She made me so incredibly happy ~ To this day, I can't wait to see her again at any level.