Perplexing communication style

[Alexandra-Girl]

Didn't want to really put this post in this category, but I don't seem to be receiving any thoughts from others in the 'dating' category. This isn't so much a getting back together story, but rather a 'scratch my head because your actions have me puzzled on this one' story. Thanks for reading.

Looking for insight:

 

Background: Dated a man 3 or 4 years ago for a very brief time (very intense on both sides). Split up do to communication failures, and external third party tensions (mutual jealous friend) – essentially both rubber-banding. I went through stages of anger and resentment because he wanted to take it slow – yet no interpretation of slow was given. Communication only got worse because I didn’t want to scare him away (essentially I contacted him once a week, if that and he thought I dumped him). I got frustrated with his seemingly ‘disinterested – back-burner’ behavior towards me, so I thought he dumped me. I wasn’t sure what the heck was going on so I sent a not so nice one-liner ending, if anything, left. This was my way of providing closure for myself. I then went no contact for all these years, minus two contacts via email. First one was an apology a year or so later because I felt remorseful for my actions and I felt he deserved to see an apology. I knew I acted like a 22 year old. He accepted it graciously. Another year later, I emailed a short note thanking him for his service to our countries out of respect for what he does. I included no personal questions. It was just a sincere thank-you, certainly not expecting to hear anything in return.

 

Recently, I received email about a month later in response to my note filled with information on how he was, what he was doing professionally, where he was located, and of course the reason why I am writing here. I thought this was a shove it in your face email, BUT he began asking questions about me. Where I was going, where I was, how he was envious of some things I was doing. Then he did the unexpected – “drop me a line and we can catch-up?” immediately followed by a sarcastic comment about past communication issues ending with a smiley face. I assume he was making light of the situation, perhaps to pull an emotional string??? I am not sure myself.

 

I am now in an aura of puzzlement. Going from drop me a line to catch-up (Great, pick-me-up), to a backhanded remark of the past (Bad, slap-me-down) has left me in confusion. I did like this man a lot. He was highly intelligent, responsible, enjoyed his job, non-dependant but it was his closed off emotions that P.O’d me. To this day we think the other dumped the other. I went on to respond to this inquisitive email and answered the questions he asked to see what was to come, if anything. I won’t be jumping into anything this time around, until I receive respect I deserve. I included some new questions for him to answer, along with some humor, to test if he is looking to open the communication lines again (which I am fine with). Personally, I don’t believe that we need to rehash the past as it’s been years and I am sure we both have reflected on our insecurities by now – so I made no remarks about our past relationship. Past is past, and if we want something new – we must start anew is my philosophy.

 

At this point, I’m not sure what he wants and it doesn’t help that we both appear to be testing the waters for temperature. I hear and read lots about EX’s not being friends. I understand that topic, yet I also know that our ‘relationship’ was too short to be classified within the same category. I am confused because I knew the underlining mixed message was there, and honestly it threw me off. I didn’t bite and now I am wondering if I should have offered a little more emotion. I sent the email but made no reference to reconnecting in person. He now will know that I am near him, so I left the ball in his court because I don’t know what he is feeling. In the past I would return emails and start new topics to keep the ball rolling… this time, I am not doing that for my own sanity. I wished him well and said that I would be in touch. I have not heard back from him since (which confuses me since he was the inquisitor). I didn’t shut him down, but I didn’t exactly fess up to wanting to see him either (too soon to open that up). I am left confused at his curiosity – which, of course, has trapped my curiosity.

 

He is a highly emotionally introverted person, I see this now, and he might be in a state of confusion himself. He sure has sent me into this state.

 

Any thoughts on this perplexing situation? Where is his head at? Why the good communication followed by the backhanded remark made to appear lighthearted on our first real communication in years? What should I do in the meantime? (moving on doesn't need to be stated, because I have done that since we ended things years ago).

[Ssheena]

If you said you would be in touch and you don't then why should he? Isn't that kind of passive aggressive on your part? Let me see if I have this straight. Aside from the two emails you sent him (apology and then the one thanking him for his service) you haven't contacted him. Sometime after the thank you email, he wrote you back and inquired about how you are doing and lots of questions etc. Then he wrote something about you should drop him a line (which you did) and he followed that up with a reference to the fact you two have had communication issues in the past (and NOW in my opinion).

 

It is very scary to be blunt and open and honest and communication is not my strong point either. However, if you want to know, you are going to have to either wait for him to respond or you are going to have to get in touch with him (as you said you would).

 

If you do not ask or follow through you will never know. Can you go on "not knowing"?

 

How long ago did you send him the answers to your questions?

[nittygritty]

Your putting a sinister twist to what the email actually said. Quit reading too much into his intentions. He wrote you back an email that expressed an interest in you and your life.

 

Since it was a short relationship, 3 or 4 years ago, you really don't know him well enough anymore to know his communication style. I think you need to work on your communication style. Your trying to decide what is acceptable and unacceptable topics for him to communicate with you about and your twisting the meaning of his words in his email, rather than take them at face value.

 

He is probably just as unsure as you are about what to do or say next. If he responds start asking him questions.

[Alexandra-Girl]

Sheena, all is right except that he tossed in the ‘drop a line’ WITH the remark about communication. To me it seems like an oxymoron (future and past?). Why not just to stick with one direction (drop a line = future) and avoid the confusion? That’s what went through my head. I have read plenty on this forum about men contacting 'ex's' (using term loosely) with the end goal of rekindling the flame (Past). Perhaps it is these same boards that have tainted me into interpreting his email in a twisted fashion then?

 

I have since sent a response to his questions, quoted here “I sent the email but made no reference to reconnecting in person. He now will know that I am near him, so I left the ball in his court because I don’t know what he is feeling. In the past I would return emails and start new topics to keep the ball rolling… this time, I am not doing that for my own sanity. I wished him well and said that I would be in touch.” I chose the future side of things, asked a few questions, but either one of us can be in touch in another 2 years. I guess I am just trying to gage what would be considered a NON-annoying length for inter-communication with someone you haven’t spoken with in a long time to build a foundation with.

 

NittyGritty, you are fully right, I don’t know his communication style. In fact, I never did… that’s how we both ended up shiatzu creek without paddles the first time. I am looking to not loose the paddle this time, hence I am asking for the big ‘what the bonkers am I suppose to do now that he has resurfaced?’ – Not that I am opposed to his return. I just don’t know when is communication too much? Should there be some guideline like a tit-for-tat exchange? I don’t want the man to think I am pursuing him towards a relationship; it would be nice to share some jokes. Know what I mean?!

 

Thanks again,

Alex