Love of life left me...AGAIN...not doing well

[broken08]

we met in college, and became "friends with benefits"because he didn't want a girlfriend. A year later he made it official. We started having problems because he developed a drinking problem that upset me a lot. Sometimes he was even dangerous. Therefore i would fight with him about it and nag him all the time. Therefore he broke up with me and became someone i didn't think he was capable of being.

 

about 2 months later he started showing up again in my room wanting to be with me because he missed me. He tried dating other girls but it just wasn't the same as it was with me. then a month later said he wanted to date me again. However, i wouldn't take the title because of how bad he hurt me. I still loved him but wanted him to suffer for what he did. A year more of friends with benefits, we started fighting excessively and i got so angry i started dating someone else, who didn't mean much to me. I then wanted him back which lasted a few weeks and then he said it was over, forever. That no matter what he would not come back to me.

 

But he also asked during that conversation what i would do if he changed his mind, very concerned if i didn't let him back. We went to a mutual party a week later and he ended up hooking up with me. When asking him about it a few days later he said "it felt so right" to be with me but that "it just doesn't work" (because of all of our fighting) A few weeks later he ended up apologizing to me for the times he drank too much and that it was very selfish of him to do that to me and make me worry. but when i asked him if he's trying to fix stuff he said that i'm just overanalyzing and that he just wanted to apologize, not get back together with me. I broke down a week ago and told him i missed him. but he did not reply.

 

The history sounds bad, but i feel like we had something since the day i met him. in total we've been on and off for about 3 years. I have this feeling like we're supposed to be together, i don't know if forever but that right now we are supposed to be. WE are broken up yet i'm so confused because of this feeling. I want to get over him and want to let go but i can't, something in my head keeps telling me he's coming back and i'll be happy again. I only feel this way with him, have never felt it before. I always want to be near him and around him. However i never told him straight out that i love him, he knows, but i won't say it because his response has always been " i don't know what love is". He has always seemed to put up a wall with me so at the same time i don't really believe him.

 

Everyday i hurt so bad. I lose weight, and can barely function. I am usually a very strong and happy person but i feel like a part of me died. I try to tell myself that other guys like me and know i'm a great person and that i deserve better, but all i want is him. I miss him so much and don't know what to do without him. My brain and heart keep telling me that it is not over. He is extremely stubborn and tries to stick to everything he says, and will never admit that he is wrong. I feel like if he did make a mistake and wants to be with me again, he would take it to his grave before telling me. I know i can meet other great guys and he's not the only one in the world but i only want him.

 

What do i do? I just want to be happy. I know i need to give him his space but my feelings are telling me this is wrong.

[rvj1979]

I have been there with the person I have loved. We will go long period without talking and then we will start and end up make together for 6 months or so. It wasn't until I putting up with this **** anymore that I got what I wanted.

 

I would let him have the control over if we were together or not. Why??? I'm a strong person and you said you are as well. So be strong- tell him what you want no matter what that is. It's very scary - But based off of his response it will help you move on. Don't let him be wishy washy!

 

I ramble but I hope this helps.

[broken08]

well we're not together, i talk to him sometimes on weekends but other then that i try to not make contact with him. As of now he says he doesn't want to be with me. I've always told him what i want, i've been straight with him the whole time, he's the one thats bad with communication. But at the same time i'm pretty sure he's missing me.

 

He knows i want to be with him. But if i keep bothering him won't it just get worse? Last time he came back after i finally gave up trying to get him to reconsider, and showed him that i was having a good time. and that was threatening to him. He seems to be fighting the fact that we like each other so much but the arguing kills him. He is very immature and defensive so every little thing is the end of the world.

 

but i'm going back to school in little less then a month in which i will be seeing him a lot and i figure don't talk to him until i see him there and then try and get him back? i just don't know how to go about it.

[CaliGuy]

well we're not together, i talk to him sometimes on weekends but other then that i try to not make contact with him. As of now he says he doesn't want to be with me. I've always told him what i want, i've been straight with him the whole time, he's the one thats bad with communication. But at the same time i'm pretty sure he's missing me.

 

He knows i want to be with him. But if i keep bothering him won't it just get worse? Last time he came back after i finally gave up trying to get him to reconsider, and showed him that i was having a good time. and that was threatening to him. He seems to be fighting the fact that we like each other so much but the arguing kills him. He is very immature and defensive so every little thing is the end of the world.

 

but i'm going back to school in little less then a month in which i will be seeing him a lot and i figure don't talk to him until i see him there and then try and get him back? i just don't know how to go about it.

 

You need to understand something. When someone pulls away from you such as he is doing, the absolute best thing you can do for YOURSELF is to pull away as well. It's hard. It takes a lot of intestinal fortitude to get on with your life.

 

But it's the BEST REVENGE.

 

You see, the more you cling to the this guy, the more desperate you become to win him back the more you will push him away. The calls, the emails, the begging and pleading will only resort in him DESPISING you. He may feel pity you for and he might even take you back.

 

Briefly.

 

But what he won't do is RESPECT you. Respect precedes love. Without respect there is no foundation for love to build.

 

So the very best thing you can do is act like he died. Yep. I went there. Go on with your life. Ignore him as best you can. Fill your life with NEW/FUN hobbies, friends, endless time at the gym (I am talking at least 1 hour of cardio PER DAY at the gym), take your friends out, etc.

 

Basically what you need to do is accept that it's over, grieve and then resolve to move on.

 

You should stick to NO CONTACT. I mean it. You shouldn't do it to win him back (because 9.99 times out of 10 it doesn't work). You should do it to WIN YOURSELF back. Once you have spent a significant amount of time away from him and adjusted to life without him (And you can replace HIM with HER if you are a guy) then you will start to see that there's more to life out there than him. And odds are you won't even want the guy back anymore.

 

But most of all you need to do this for yourself. And if during your healing you meet someone else, you'll better be able to recognize it. If you are pining about for the one that got away, the one you should be with might have come and gone in your life.

 

And you will never have noticed.

 

Cheers.

[Omma]

im going through the exact same thing, but what this guy is saying is sooooo true, calling and emailing is only going to push him away more.

Do stuff for yourself,take care of yourself, and practice no contact which is the most difficult, but with best results.

[sao2]

I'm just going to add. If someone is so stubborn that they would rather be without you then admit that they made a mistake then they do not love you because LOVE would be the action of putting their ego aside and admitting they made a mistake.

 

I have the same fear with my ex, I am scared that she wants to come back but is too stubborn to. Well, that's too bad, if she doesn't love me enough to swallow her pride then I don't want her back. If it isn't a question of pride and she just doesn't love me, then I don't want her in that case either.

[Trialbyfire]

What do i do? I just want to be happy. I know i need to give him his space but my feelings are telling me this is wrong.

Reread everything you wrote. Do you see the consistency? Start at the point where you settled for an FWB, because this was what he wanted.

 

Regardless of his treatment of you, you continued to go back to him. The message you're sending him is that he can treat you poorly and no matter what, you'll take it.

 

Don't put up with his behaviour. Value yourself, focus on yourself and maintain N/C. Don't waste time wondering what he's thinking or feeling. Focus on changing your dependency for/on him. Rely on yourself. Believe in yourself.

 

This guy isn't good for you. Stay strong.

[broken08]

I completely agree. I am not begging or pleading for him to come back however, i DID for about a few days but then i stopped completely. The only time i talk to him is when he contacts me which is once in awhile through IM and it's usually just small talk because we don't want to lose each other as friends. I do go out, and i do have fun i just always feel like something is missing.

[CaliGuy]

I completely agree. I am not begging or pleading for him to come back however, i DID for about a few days but then i stopped completely. The only time i talk to him is when he contacts me which is once in awhile through IM and it's usually just small talk because we don't want to lose each other as friends. I do go out, and i do have fun i just always feel like something is missing.

 

The "fear" of losing him as a friend is probably the main thing that will keep you from a possible second chance with him or, better yet, meeting someone else.

 

You have nothing to lose at this point. Being friends with him is the same as putting your life on hold waiting for something to happen that odds are never will.

[broken08]

So your saying to not even be friends with him? Just stop all contact completely ? because we go to the same college it's kind of hard to do that when your also in the same class. And i don't know but i find that kind of immature. Yea it's giving me hope but i'm also hoping i'll just get over it over time. He's been one of my best friends for 3 years now.

[CaliGuy]

So your saying to not even be friends with him? Just stop all contact completely ? because we go to the same college it's kind of hard to do that when your also in the same class. And i don't know but i find that kind of immature. Yea it's giving me hope but i'm also hoping i'll just get over it over time. He's been one of my best friends for 3 years now.

 

 

Yes that is what I am saying.

No, it's not immature if you're doing it to get over him. It's immature if you're doing it to try and manipulate him. He chose to walk away, he needs to live with the repercussions of doing so. Leaving you = leaving all of you behind.

 

Try not to take the same classes either. That's not the best idea.

[funkybassplayer]

It will be a very difficult task to stop all contact, as you do see him at collage etc, and in an ideal world, it would be better to cut the tie, at least till your head is in a better place. All you can do is try to be strong when you see him, and if you do engage in chat, keep it light, cos if you start avoiding each other that will play on both your minds even more!

[broken08]

well we didn't plan it it just worked out that way. We have similar majors. We also have similar friends, trying to avoid him would also involve avoiding my friends and pretty much staying in and not having any fun, based on trying to stay away from him. I don't know, i guess it makes sense to do it but at the same time it's so hard and makes me very upset.

[CaliGuy]

well we didn't plan it it just worked out that way. We have similar majors. We also have similar friends, trying to avoid him would also involve avoiding my friends and pretty much staying in and not having any fun, based on trying to stay away from him. I don't know, i guess it makes sense to do it but at the same time it's so hard and makes me very upset.

 

Make new friends.

 

The alternative?

 

See him with your friends, be upset.

See your friends and be reminded of him, be upset.

 

The way I see it, making new friends is your best alternative.

 

You don't have to stay in the house. That's your choice.

 

And by the way, being happy or upset is merely a choice you make. You have the ability to be happy or sad. The question is are you in control of your emotions or are they in control of you?

[broken08]

Well i'm a senior in college, i've been with my friends for 3 years. He and all of my friends are very important to me and i can't just give them up. I do choose every day to be happy. However, it isn't always that easy. I cannot control my emotions sometimes and thats why i'm so upset over this, i've never had anyone or anything make me feel like this before. Believe me if i could control it i would.

[sumdude]

Well i'm a senior in college, i've been with my friends for 3 years. He and all of my friends are very important to me and i can't just give them up. I do choose every day to be happy. However, it isn't always that easy. I cannot control my emotions sometimes and thats why i'm so upset over this, i've never had anyone or anything make me feel like this before. Believe me if i could control it i would.

 

You're young and in college.. Focus on THAT right now. Finishing school and doing well. Your life is going to change drastically when you graduate. You may or may not keep in touch with your current group of friends two years from now. This is a stage of life, love and heartbreak you're going through. Learn from your experiences. Your adult life is just beginning. It's not easy right now but you'll get through.

 

Heck I'm 39 going through a divorce and it's my first real heartbreak ... at my age.. LOL

[broken08]

You're young and in college.. Focus on THAT right now. Finishing school and doing well. Your life is going to change drastically when you graduate. You may or may not keep in touch with your current group of friends two years from now. This is a stage of life, love and heartbreak you're going through. Learn from your experiences. Your adult life is just beginning. It's not easy right now but you'll get through.

 

Heck I'm 39 going through a divorce and it's my first real heartbreak ... at my age.. LOL

Yes, i know i'm young and that i may laugh about this in the future, but at the same time i've never felt this horrible. It is completey against my personality to be like this, i am usually very easy going and happy no matter what gets thrown at me. He is the only person that has ever been able to make me depressed.

 

I may lose some friends, but there are some that i know i will keep in touch with long after college and he is one of them. I still keep in touch with some of my friends that graduated a few years ahead of me already. Also, college is the best time of my life and those people are the people i want to spend my last year of undergrad with.

 

Yea, thats why i feel bad for whining. I can't even imagine how you feel, starting a life with someone and having to end it. I know if i ever married him and that happened, i couldn't imagine how i could even survive.

 

Also, i come from a very small country town. I am only 21, yet more of my friends then not, are married/ engaged, some with children. Personally, not something i'm ready for but at the same time it's hard for them to relate to me because they all married their first love.