It seems like she wants me back...

[jackmerridew]

So my ex, who cheated on me, has been calling me and leaving me messages saying that she misses me, and that although she initially enjoyed her freedom, she feels like she needs me in her life.

 

I don't think this is a case of her being lonely or not having anyone else. She's an incredibly attractive young lady, a flawless face and shapely body, and she has literally hundreds of men waiting in line for her. Whether she's taken up on their offers, I don't know and don't really care.

 

The thing is, I think I've reached a point where I'm over the heavy grieving stage. I still miss her like crazy, but I'm at a place where I can live without her, and I need some assurances that what she did won't happen again. I haven't really gotten that, other than words.

 

I do have some planned "hook-ups" for me when I go on vacation from work this weekend. I think I will dive headfirst into those first, before I make a decision in what to do with my ex.

[hope4best]

Do you think 1) You would be able to forgive her and move past what she did? 2) That you would ever be able to trust her again. If the answer to either of those is no, then don't look back.

[CaliGuy]

So my ex, who cheated on me, has been calling me and leaving me messages saying that she misses me, and that although she initially enjoyed her freedom, she feels like she needs me in her life.

 

I don't think this is a case of her being lonely or not having anyone else. She's an incredibly attractive young lady, a flawless face and shapely body, and she has literally hundreds of men waiting in line for her. Whether she's taken up on their offers, I don't know and don't really care.

 

The thing is, I think I've reached a point where I'm over the heavy grieving stage. I still miss her like crazy, but I'm at a place where I can live without her, and I need some assurances that what she did won't happen again. I haven't really gotten that, other than words.

 

I do have some planned "hook-ups" for me when I go on vacation from work this weekend. I think I will dive headfirst into those first, before I make a decision in what to do with my ex.

 

I have a question for you.

 

Do you respect yourself?

 

If so, you'll think back to the time when you placed your trust in her and she shattered it. And if she cheated on you once, she will do it again. She is merely poking around to make sure you're still on the hook. Once she realizes you are, she will lose interest in you again.

 

The bottom line is you have no assurances she won't do it again. Suffice say "Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior."

 

If she did it to you once, she can and most likely will do it to you again. Nothing is guaranteed in life. If she tries to feed you a line that she would never do it again and you buy it I am willing to bet that the relationship will have a tough time flourishing because you'll always be wondering if she is cheating again.

 

Do you really want a relationship with someone you can not trust? I sure wouldn't. That is a relationship doomed to failure.

[Nanachu]

When I was much younger, I cheated pretty much with all of my BFs. So, please let me explain cheater's tendency based on my own experience.

 

I tended to go for some other new guys to solve issues with my current relationship. Whenever I was unhappy with my current BF (I could not get enough attention from him, we had a fight, or simply I was bored), I did not honestly communicate, rather looked for someone else to fulfill my needs at that time.

I must say I did it for any of my BFs around the time regardless of how attractive the BFs were. I thought that the guys I was dating were not good enough. But, later I realize that it was my issue. I was not there to build a great relationship. All I wanted was being with someone who fulfill my needs. Until I realize that and was willing to change myself, nobody made a difference to my cheating behavior.

 

So, my point is that if she is at the stage, there is nothing you can do to change her. She may behave well as long as you are meeting all of her needs but it is impossible for a person to fulfill other person's needs 24/7. It is not your responsibility anyway.

 

If I were you, I will talk to her about what changed her. If this is all about her missing you, she will do again when she does not miss you any longer meaning you guys get back together. I changed my behavior when I realize my issue and wanted to change. It is not because I met a perfect price charming. It came from myself, by myself. Please try to gauge what caused her. If she is not realizing her issues and is willing to change, the same cheating will happen when she finds some unsatisfaction.

[jackmerridew]

When I was much younger, I cheated pretty much with all of my BFs. So, please let me explain cheater's tendency based on my own experience.

 

I tended to go for some other new guys to solve issues with my current relationship. Whenever I was unhappy with my current BF (I could not get enough attention from him, we had a fight, or simply I was bored), I did not honestly communicate, rather looked for someone else to fulfill my needs at that time.

I must say I did it for any of my BFs around the time regardless of how attractive the BFs were. I thought that the guys I was dating were not good enough. But, later I realize that it was my issue. I was not there to build a great relationship. All I wanted was being with someone who fulfill my needs. Until I realize that and was willing to change myself, nobody made a difference to my cheating behavior.

 

So, my point is that if she is at the stage, there is nothing you can do to change her. She may behave well as long as you are meeting all of her needs but it is impossible for a person to fulfill other person's needs 24/7. It is not your responsibility anyway.

 

If I were you, I will talk to her about what changed her. If this is all about her missing you, she will do again when she does not miss you any longer meaning you guys get back together. I changed my behavior when I realize my issue and wanted to change. It is not because I met a perfect price charming. It came from myself, by myself. Please try to gauge what caused her. If she is not realizing her issues and is willing to change, the same cheating will happen when she finds some unsatisfaction.

 

This post is so spot on.

 

If I may give myself a little credit, it doesn't get much better than dating me, at least in her world, and she knows it. I'm relatively attractive, with a lean body. I'm smart, have a great job with excellent security, I have a two-bedroom condo, debt small enough that it can be eliminated whenever I have the will to, I've got a great sense of humor, and I'm empathatic toward many people.

 

I told her when she cheated on me that it's really her issues she needs to deal with. She wanted to stay with me, but I broke up with her because I realize she has so much growing up to do, no matter how much it hurt me to break up with her.

 

She obviously cares about me to a great extent, even though she was so insensitive to hurt me so. So what I do need to ask her, like you so wisely put, is why she wants me back. Is it because you're dependent on me, what I offer and that you simply miss me? Or do you now realize the sacrifice and commitment a true, longlasting relationship requires, and how much you have to give on your part?

 

Thank you very much. I now know exactly what to say.

[Nanachu]

I am impressed that you are ready to think about what she can give. When we face a sad break-up, we tend to only think about what the other party is thinking "does he still love me????" We cannot build a healthy realtionship if we cannot also think about whether or not he/she deserves us. The level of mature and secure mentality is necessary to clearly evaluate a realtionship.

People make mistakes and nobody is perfect. I am willing to forgive my partner's mistakes. However, we should not blindly keep forgiving just for the sake of keeing the relationship if the other party is not willing to improve.

People can change. It may not happen over one night, but people can. Hope she is there. Even though she is not, with such a mature and secure mentality, you can find someone who is at the same level as yourself. Good luck.

I am planning to post my story here, but I have been with a guy who once broke up with me. Our relationship has been growing strongly and I am happy. After the break-up, he put tons of thought to his issues as well as I did the same. We have been working on it and our situation has been much better. I changed and he changed, and we are happy. Although it has been only 3 months and we are not yet to say that we are in a rock solid relationship, we are working on it and moving to the right direction.

Again, hope things work out with you. Please let us know.