Desmondo Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Hi all Been a frequent lurker on LS for some time now. Much thanks to everybody who spilled their guts and put it out there here, whether in desperation or selfless humanity... Well it's a new year. HAPPY NEW YEAR! or maybe not -- but anyway good luck in love in '007!!! [this is a very stream of consciousness rant. mentally incoherent. welcome to me, "right now" ] So my gf broke up with me, last night, on new year's eve. I guess it wasn't Christmas so not completely bad but damn the timing. DAMN the timing! We've been together for a year. This is not the first time we seemed to be at the end of our relationship. It usually happened like she was just tired of my BS, and out of frustration. Mostly it's been about my being a "34 year old boy" and not being so great at taking care of myself. OH Snap -- I just remembered the worst thing was "I don't want to marry you" -- and I haven't even asked yet! We've had a lot of small arguements that turned into fights and not really discuss the core of what was going on so things would build up and stew in the background until something triggered things to come back to the surface. The buildup thing is partly a cultural communication thing -- she's Japanese, I am not. Talking it out is not really the way of the day over here. Kind of like sweep it under the rug, read minds, make the change without discussing the process. The relationship cues are like in opposite sides of the spectrum, what does a guy do, what does a woman say -- it can be an emotional minefield. [hey who put those there!] This isn't the first time this theme has reared up and bitten the head off of a relationship for me. It's a pattern of course. So when people go, "You just didn't find the right one yet, it's not you," I know the truth. And beat myself to a pulp in the process of being broken up with because I know it's me. She said she "wanted to leave me" but there was always a "right now" at the end so a sort of escape hatch, a glimmer of hope. I don't think she said it like that to dangle the carrot, just maybe that was the truest expression of her feeling at the time. Well this time there was no next time. OR -- What the hell?!? -- What's going on here? After I threw myself on her chopping block and she did a fair job of de-emasculating me for being such a jerk and just telling me she doesn't love me "right now," didn't want to marry me (I didn't ask yet!), etc., we ended up going into a donut shop and sitting there for a while. She laughed, was chatted about other things. Mostly about my great new job which will be a fairly big move from here and put us in LDR. Well, semi-LD anyway. I'll move in a couple weeks. Far enough away and my new job will keep me more than busy enough to be 'too busy'. So in the course of my blathering and sobbing I said she was the one person I wanted to be with her on New Years. She said she "didn't care" and that it was fine. Oh man, my head. I know she's not trying to torture me but... what's that Radiohead song -- "You did it to yourself..."? Anyway that's why it really hurts. So I ended up having dinner with her (made by her dad, who's the bomb cook) and then I WENT OUT WITH HER AND HER FRIENDS FOR NEW YEARS. Yeah, I know, this would seem a good sign or maybe just a glimmer of hope [or the lowest I could go] but seriously, I really believe that she is leaving me this time. [Lapdog??? Ry rove rou??] We had a good time, no drama ensued, even went to karaoke with her and friends at the end of the night. We held hands feeely. At the end of the night we parted ways, after she accidentally got on the wrong train going in my direction. She had a family thing to go to today, to which I would not have been able to go to anyway, unless I was her fiancé -- that's just the way it is here, when it comes to big family gatherings. BUT there's a thing tonight, with her mom and dad and grandma, a family dinner, and she asked me to come. Or rather, said if I wanted to come to call her... I am in a post-new years state of absolute confusion, as you can see. I want to go, be with them, feel good being there, being welcome... But I just don't know if it's for real. Maybe last night was just her trying to let me down easy... And today could just be the last step out the door. Hmm I just read my title heading again -- the 3 R's. Kind of like recycling... Ugh. I beseech thee. Link to post Share on other sites
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