My brain is torturing me

[KittenMoon]

I can't get him out of my head.

 

Yesterday, I was sad, lamenting to my mom that I would never again hear him use my familiar nicknames, or see him be really happy to see me, etc.

 

So of course, last night I dreamed I was going into a restaurant with friends. Somehow I knew he was going to be there, but I had planned to play it cool and keep my distance. But as soon as I walked in he came over exclaiming my nicknames and hugging me, a great big hug where he lifted me off my feet. It felt so GOOD- this is how we used to be. He used to be so happy to be around me- I don't know why he's not anymore.

 

I've been thinking a lot about displacement lately though. He almost never got angry at anything- no matter how cruddy his job got, or whatever, he didn't get mad- except at me. Generally over little things. He could literally be yelling at me one minute (alone) and happy and energetic the next (as soon as we got into mixed company). I got all his anger and I don't know why- but it's not fair. I was as supportive and level headed and caring and understanding as I could POSSIBLY be. And still I lost the person I love.

 

I kinda wonder where his anger is going now. The farther I get away from this the more I miss him and its hurting me so much.

[Big_A]

I am so sorry KM. I still have dream about my ex. Sometimes I dream we are together again and other times I dream she we are apart. Both of them hurt.

 

I have found that tellling myself over and over to make things about me and not about her. Right now we need to make new memories that don't include our ex's, that way we can have happiness without them.

[the_alchemyst]

The more I read about your exbf's personality/behavior towards you, Kitten, the more I feel like he is one and the same as my exbf.

 

My exbf used to be the merriest guy ever with everyone else. With his (bastard) friends, he was this haaaaaaaappy guy! Always laughing and joking and what have you.

 

With me he was happy, but he also gave me ALL of his other emotions--the sadness, the anger (eesh, he would just yell and go psycho while I stood there "listening" to whatever blabber he spewed), the worries, the satisfaction, etc. While I used to be happy that it seemed I was the only one he trusted enough to show all of his emotions to, the one I had a problem with was his anger. I used to wonder, "Geez, why does he seem to take out all of his anger out on me?"

 

It's like they saved it all for us, but had no problem whatsoever acting all happy the next second if company came around.

 

And man, don't you just hate the dreams? They are horrible! Especially when they are happy ones, since you wake up you realize that was all it was--a dream. I don't know about you but my mornings are really rough.

 

I wish I could say something to comfort you a little, but I can't because I just don't know what to say. It's this pain that doesn't go away no matter how hard you try to make it go away.

 

At least know that you're not alone in feeling like this; I may be on opposite ends of the country, but I am certainly feeling the June gloom x10000000.

 

 

Sigh.

[KittenMoon]

The more I read about your exbf's personality/behavior towards you, Kitten, the more I feel like he is one and the same as my exbf.

 

My exbf used to be the merriest guy ever with everyone else. With his (bastard) friends, he was this haaaaaaaappy guy! Always laughing and joking and what have you.

 

With me he was happy, but he also gave me ALL of his other emotions--the sadness, the anger (eesh, he would just yell and go psycho while I stood there "listening" to whatever blabber he spewed), the worries, the satisfaction, etc. While I used to be happy that it seemed I was the only one he trusted enough to show all of his emotions to, the one I had a problem with was his anger. I used to wonder, "Geez, why does he seem to take out all of his anger out on me?"

 

It's like they saved it all for us, but had no problem whatsoever acting all happy the next second if company came around.

 

And man, don't you just hate the dreams? They are horrible! Especially when they are happy ones, since you wake up you realize that was all it was--a dream. I don't know about you but my mornings are really rough.

 

I wish I could say something to comfort you a little, but I can't because I just don't know what to say. It's this pain that doesn't go away no matter how hard you try to make it go away.

 

At least know that you're not alone in feeling like this; I may be on opposite ends of the country, but I am certainly feeling the June gloom x10000000.

 

 

Sigh.

 

This is sad 'cause I know you guys are a lot younger than me and my ex. I still can't fathom he doesn't love me anymore- I truly can't. I feel like we are still together and I freak because I know he could be out there doing ANYTHING(anyone )

 

I've been reading about emotional displacement (which my ex OBVIOUSLY did with me) and now disassociation, which is when someone basically remakes their entire life (temporarily or permanently) to avoid one or more emotional aspects of it. Kinda like.... how my ex suddenly dropped me and all of our "friends" and found an entire other group? How he doesn't even return peoples calls?

 

I honestly know that if we sat down and figured out what went wrong, it would be 95% him. And I know this is why he has avoided the "why" of this like the PLAGUE. And why he's so emotional around me. (he's suddenly confronted by the emotional aspect he's cut entirely out of his life)

 

I betcha if I got him alone and really pushed it I could give him a nervous breakdown... and boy, is this tempting! Because that's what's happening to me.

 

It's not fair I have to hurt this much... I miss him (the old non-crazy him) so much.

[Love Hurts]

True love can suck ---.

Excuse me ... but when one is in it and the other is not...........

It hurts...........

 

Lingering in that place and dreaming of what could be.

It does not help.

He has moved on................... and is finding what he wants in life.

 

Wake up............... ouch ............ it's not you.........

 

I've been there.....

Done that.

 

Waste of time.... yet you will continue to grieve the loss for a long time.

One day believe it or not............... you will discover your ok... without him.

 

You already are... you just haven't made that connection from mind to heart that you do not need him.

That place can take years to get out.

I personallly lingered over my first true love loss for years.

I use to dream of him and God help me... I use to imagine his wife died and he came back to me.

 

Garth Brooks sings a song.......... Thank God for unanswered prayer.

 

 

Years out of and away from that relationship....... and hearing of him today or seeing him.... I know he and I would not have made it.

I was a free spirit with an artisitic nature... he was a control ...smothering freak.....

He would have squelched me.......... inhibited me.

I could not see that then.............. I do now..........

Also he believed his life was as a weed,,, here today and gone tomorrow.

I believe there is a God and I know Him personally.

God knows I am pretty much rotten fruit... but I know Him, Love Him and seek Him.

God moves in mysterious ways. Life isn't over until it's over.

Only live... to see what tomorrow will bring.

Smile baby, you are beautiful and the world is waiting on you to emerge.