Don't know why this is taking so long....

[Zero]

I feel a little selfish asking the advice of a forum I don't regularly contribute to but I don't really feel comfortable talking to anyone I know about it so here goes.

 

I posted back in Dec/Jan about my last relationship and got some pretty good advice. For those that didn't see it/don't remember, I dated a girl for a couple of years and basically it was a situation off of Jerry Springer. She had a child very young, daddy is in and out of prison, got another girl pregnant, she had no money or time for me. I'm not saying I did everything right, but it was just a mess from the start.

 

From what I've told here and from what my friends and family tell me, I'm better off. Even I know I'm better off in the long run. I know that it would have definitely been a lifelong struggle had we been married. I guess my question is why am I still dwelling on it months later? Seems like I'm still at that first stage.

 

It seems like I'm always keeping busy and every other aspect of my life is going well. However, I haven't found anyone else and I've noticed lately that I'm at the age where a lot of others are getting married. I know thats not what I want at this stage in my life but for some reason I think that has an effect on me.

 

I dunno whats going on. Anyone have any advice?

[Big_A]

First question... ...Are you still in contact with her? That means seeing, phone, emails, myspace, asking mutual friends for news... ...anything that focuses your mind on her. If you are, then that is why you are still dwelling.

 

If you have been totally out of contact, then you should ask yourself why you are dwelling on her. Based on your post I should think that you are MUCH better off without her. Perhaps you are lonely? Is it her that you are dwelling on or is it something else that you feel is missing from your life?

[In Sync]

I feel a little selfish asking the advice of a forum I don't regularly contribute to but I don't really feel comfortable talking to anyone I know about it so here goes.

 

I posted back in Dec/Jan about my last relationship and got some pretty good advice. For those that didn't see it/don't remember, I dated a girl for a couple of years and basically it was a situation off of Jerry Springer. She had a child very young, daddy is in and out of prison, got another girl pregnant, she had no money or time for me. I'm not saying I did everything right, but it was just a mess from the start.

 

From what I've told here and from what my friends and family tell me, I'm better off. Even I know I'm better off in the long run. I know that it would have definitely been a lifelong struggle had we been married. I guess my question is why am I still dwelling on it months later? Seems like I'm still at that first stage.

 

It seems like I'm always keeping busy and every other aspect of my life is going well. However, I haven't found anyone else and I've noticed lately that I'm at the age where a lot of others are getting married. I know thats not what I want at this stage in my life but for some reason I think that has an effect on me.

 

I dunno whats going on. Anyone have any advice?

 

You are doing the same thing that most people do when they can't seem to shake these relationships off that in the long run are best left in the past...you are replaying the images of the relationship over and over in your mind. I bet that when you allow your mind to roam aimlessly you find yourself going back to the relationship and all its ups and downs. It is a well known fact that if we focus on something good we feel good, if we ocus on something that frustrates us, that disappointed us, that did not work out...logically we will adapt to those feelings and become depressed or frustrated and that my friend is why we don't move on.

I am going to say to make a bold statemnet here...I have reached a point where I cut my past and I am fully over the ex. AND the reason is because I saw that I was doing exactly as I described. Most of all I sat down and asked myself truthfully DO I WANT TO GET WELL? DO I LIKE THAT FEELING OF FEELING DEFEATED OR MISSING A TOTAL LOSER? My answer: NO.

So I've made efforts. I prayed alot to begin with. And now I'm reprogramming my thinking pattern. Just like I became addicted to the unhealthy relationship and that was a mental choice I am making the decision to move forward. To look forward to better days and healtheir relationships. Recognize if you are chosing to feel stuck or ARE you really stuck. Here's a secret about people. Some people like that feeling of defeat, because it allows them not to move on. Moving on requires consistent effort to lift yourself. ("It's hard work..") Feeling low, requires nothing but dwelling on negative thoughts.

[Zero]

First question... ...Are you still in contact with her? That means seeing, phone, emails, myspace, asking mutual friends for news... ...anything that focuses your mind on her. If you are, then that is why you are still dwelling.

 

If you have been totally out of contact, then you should ask yourself why you are dwelling on her. Based on your post I should think that you are MUCH better off without her. Perhaps you are lonely? Is it her that you are dwelling on or is it something else that you feel is missing from your life?

 

I don't see her, email her, talk on the phone, use myspace or anything really. I don't talk to my friends about it although since we do have mutual friends I'll occasionally get one of the girls in the group to make me out to be the bad guy because I "couldn't commit" or some similar BS.

 

Everything in my life is going great right now but to be honest I do miss the companionship. Especially when all my friends are settling down.

 

I am going to say to make a bold statemnet here...I have reached a point where I cut my past and I am fully over the ex. AND the reason is because I saw that I was doing exactly as I described. Most of all I sat down and asked myself truthfully DO I WANT TO GET WELL? DO I LIKE THAT FEELING OF FEELING DEFEATED OR MISSING A TOTAL LOSER? My answer: NO.

So I've made efforts. I prayed alot to begin with. And now I'm reprogramming my thinking pattern. Just like I became addicted to the unhealthy relationship and that was a mental choice I am making the decision to move forward. To look forward to better days and healtheir relationships. Recognize if you are chosing to feel stuck or ARE you really stuck. Here's a secret about people. Some people like that feeling of defeat, because it allows them not to move on. Moving on requires consistent effort to lift yourself. ("It's hard work..") Feeling low, requires nothing but dwelling on negative thoughts.

 

I definitely want to move on with things. I'm not interesting in being her friend or anything because having her in my life is just going to make things difficult. She had a way of making all her problems my problems and I don't need anymore. I've had a few relationships in my day, a couple long ones, and I don't remember ever going through this. There's just something really difficult about this one that I can't put my finger on.

[In Sync]

I don't see her, email her, talk on the phone, use myspace or anything really. I don't talk to my friends about it although since we do have mutual friends I'll occasionally get one of the girls in the group to make me out to be the bad guy because I "couldn't commit" or some similar BS.

 

Everything in my life is going great right now but to be honest I do miss the companionship. Especially when all my friends are settling down.

 

 

 

I definitely want to move on with things. I'm not interesting in being her friend or anything because having her in my life is just going to make things difficult. She had a way of making all her problems my problems and I don't need anymore. I've had a few relationships in my day, a couple long ones, and I don't remember ever going through this. There's just something really difficult about this one that I can't put my finger on.

 

Your wanting to move on and making the effort to do so are two things. For example, I want a million dollars. But if I'm not investing properly, spending all my money, making debt and wishing I had millions is not me doing what it takes to get that million.

You are focusing on her. Yes you are doing your own things BUT then you allow your thoughts to go back to her. This sounds easy but it's not. Forgive her (not for her sake but yours) and then let it go. Keeping her in your thoughts brings up resentment. Blaming someone else always feel good doesn't it? It keeps you in the victim mode. That's putting your finger on it. Of course you don't remember your previous break-ups now..because you've forgiven the past and let it go. It's not rocket science. It's just a matter of how long do you intend to stay captive to your thoughts regarding the demise of the relationship.

[Zero]

Your wanting to move on and making the effort to do so are two things. For example, I want a million dollars. But if I'm not investing properly, spending all my money, making debt and wishing I had millions is not me doing what it takes to get that million.

You are focusing on her. Yes you are doing your own things BUT then you allow your thoughts to go back to her. This sounds easy but it's not. Forgive her (not for her sake but yours) and then let it go. Keeping her in your thoughts brings up resentment. Blaming someone else always feel good doesn't it? It keeps you in the victim mode. That's putting your finger on it. Of course you don't remember your previous break-ups now..because you've forgiven the past and let it go. It's not rocket science. It's just a matter of how long do you intend to stay captive to your thoughts regarding the demise of the relationship.

 

No offense, but I see a lot of people give advice on this forum and basically all they can say is to "let it go". If it was that simple I don't think this forum would exist. Secondly, you seem to be making it seem like I feel I'm a victim here. No one is a victim. I don't blame her for how things worked out.

 

Yes, my thoughts do go back to her most of the time but I have been trying not to think about it as much. I've been trying no contact and being more involved socially and pretty much every other suggestion I have found on the site. So what do I do now? Do I make a little tin foil hat to wear around to help me try and control my thoughts?

[In Sync]

No offense, but I see a lot of people give advice on this forum and basically all they can say is to "let it go". If it was that simple I don't think this forum would exist. Secondly, you seem to be making it seem like I feel I'm a victim here. No one is a victim. I don't blame her for how things worked out.

 

Yes, my thoughts do go back to her most of the time but I have been trying not to think about it as much. I've been trying no contact and being more involved socially and pretty much every other suggestion I have found on the site. So what do I do now? Do I make a little tin foil hat to wear around to help me try and control my thoughts?

 

Wait a second. Are you using this forum as the sole representation for recovery as proof to stick with the notion that you must accept your fate and stay stuck. Come on. There's a world of people who are not on this forum who have lost loves and have picked themselves up and yes... let go. I ask you this? What purpose does it do you to keep hanging on and not moving on. You are victimizing yourself. As for blaming her, look at your earlier post. You stated "She had a way of making all her problems my problems " Ok, so that's not blaming. That's still putting your attention on the past. You sought advice and I gave you an honest opinion. I'm not mentioning anything about NC. I never my ex during the 8 months broke NC, but I examined my habitual pattern of whenever I felt bad I was thinking about him. Is it a wonder that I was making myself not feel great and also by stoking the fires I was realizing that's why I'm not moving on. Of course you can control your thoughts. You're an intelligent man. Why underestimate your strengths?

[Zero]

Wait a second. Are you using this forum as the sole representation for recovery as proof to stick with the notion that you must accept your fate and stay stuck. Come on. There's a world of people who are not on this forum who have lost loves and have picked themselves up and yes... let go. I ask you this? What purpose does it do you to keep hanging on and not moving on. You are victimizing yourself. As for blaming her, look at your earlier post. You stated "She had a way of making all her problems my problems " Ok, so that's not blaming. That's still putting your attention on the past. You sought advice and I gave you an honest opinion. I'm not mentioning anything about NC. I never my ex during the 8 months broke NC, but I examined my habitual pattern of whenever I felt bad I was thinking about him. Is it a wonder that I was making myself not feel great and also by stoking the fires I was realizing that's why I'm not moving on. Of course you can control your thoughts. You're an intelligent man. Why underestimate your strengths?

 

I think you are over compicating this with all this talk of victimizing myself and wanting to stay stuck in this funk. The simple facts are that I'm ready to get on with my life, I've been in this funk for long enough and I want to know what else I can do to make it better because even though I've been doing a lot of what I've seen suggested, it still isn't snapping me out of it. Instead of just telling me to control my thoughts how about giving an example of what you did whenever you were thinking of your ex BF so I understand the concept.

[2020vision]

DO I WANT TO GET WELL? DO I LIKE THAT FEELING OF FEELING DEFEATED OR MISSING A TOTAL LOSER? My answer: NO.

 

Great post Insync. I remember thinking when I first started NC, that it would heal all wounds. But, you have to do some "soul searching" as well. You have to force yourself to get in the correct frame of mind to succeed in getting over your ex. While that is easier said than done, it is part of the reason that I am as far in my recovery as I am. I often think about my ex, but I force myself to stop after sometime, so I don't start dwelling. And I like to follow up those good thoughts, with really crappy ones!!

 

Although, in your case, you seem that you are doing just fine and like you said you just miss the "companionship". I am sure that you do not miss all her problems, therefore you really do not miss her.

 

Best Wishes,

 

2020

[In Sync]

I think you are over compicating this with all this talk of victimizing myself and wanting to stay stuck in this funk. The simple facts are that I'm ready to get on with my life, I've been in this funk for long enough and I want to know what else I can do to make it better because even though I've been doing a lot of what I've seen suggested, it still isn't snapping me out of it. Instead of just telling me to control my thoughts how about giving an example of what you did whenever you were thinking of your ex BF so I understand the concept.

 

I'm not overcomplicating anything. In fact, what I said if you've been reading my post without defensivenes is quite simple. I was only responding to you original post, and I did reread it and here is a quote:

 

"I know thats not what I want at this stage in my life but for some reason I think that has an effect on me.

 

I dunno whats going on. Anyone have any advice?"

 

Now here's my stages in short. In the beginning I denied that I was dumped, continued to sleep with the ex and still he had no desire to want to be in a relationship. I cried, I humiliated myself ..the works. Found Loveshack, disregarded the idea of NC. Finally I listened to bendit, and followed strick NC. Spent the next 6-7 months moaning and crying and obsessing. Then slowly I started Praying. Yep, that's right good old fashioned praying. Started realizing that my faith meant more to mean than giving into the continuous dwelling which brung me down. Started looking around me, and realized I am beautiful, fit, and guess what? the less I focused on him and that relationship the better I felt. It's real simple.

There are plenty of peple who will say, yeah man she did you wrong, I can't get over it too..so now what do you have instead of you feeling down you've two people and so on and so on. Disregard me. Pay no attention to anything I say. If you'd rather be right and keep questioning people with: "I dunno whats going on. Anyone have any advice?" Go ahead. It's your life. I just responded to any advice. You can control your thoughts....it's called making a decision. You make decisions everyday of your life from the second you wake up.

[Guest]

I'm not overcomplicating anything. In fact, what I said if you've been reading my post without defensivenes is quite simple. I was only responding to you original post, and I did reread it and here is a quote:

 

"I know thats not what I want at this stage in my life but for some reason I think that has an effect on me.

 

I dunno whats going on. Anyone have any advice?"

 

I think you are overcomplicating it. I really don't think you've been reading my posts. You don't seem to understand that I I am trying to focus less on her and the relationship. I'm not trying to question anyone or be an ass but IMO you really haven't given me any more advice than you have tried to talk down to me and try to point out there is something severely wrong with me. Hey, I made the decision to come here and ask for advice so I am trying to do something about it. So lets stop this I'm just here for pity crap.

[Zero]

I'm not overcomplicating anything. In fact, what I said if you've been reading my post without defensivenes is quite simple. I was only responding to you original post, and I did reread it and here is a quote:

 

"I know thats not what I want at this stage in my life but for some reason I think that has an effect on me.

 

I dunno whats going on. Anyone have any advice?"

 

I think you are overcomplicating it. I really don't think you've been reading my posts. You don't seem to understand that I am trying to focus less on her and the relationship. I'm not trying to question anyone or be an ass but IMO you really haven't given me any more advice than you have tried to talk down to me and try to point out there is something severely wrong with me. Hey, I made the decision to come here and ask for advice so I am trying to do something about it. So lets stop this I'm just here for pity crap.

[bendit]

zero you got into a relationship with a probable bpd woman. its a pretty clear cut diagnosis and yours seems to fit the bill. Now, these are really really tough to get over. And they don't make it easy because they tend to hang around and stay in contact when you want to move on. they think nothing of doing this to you because your feelings don't count, only theirs do.

 

So you are finally getting clear of this damaged person. Let me tell you that your family and friends were right. you dodged a bullet here. Now, I don't know how much contact you have allowed her in the last few months. But hear me on this. You can't stay in contact with these type of people. you just can't. they aren't like "normal" easy going folks. they will hurt you and keep you in misery. So if you are in any kind of contact it really has to stop for you to heal.

 

These relationships are the hardest to get over. After the trauma of one of these relationships, I don't think we really can alter our thoughts much. I am of the opinion that you just have to stay 100%, grade A, NC and let time do its magical thing. The NC is critical. If you can stay NC, the time will be your friend. If you stay in contact time will be your enemy.

 

I have heard of people imagining their X with others and even looking at pictures of them with others. Also consciously thinking of her with another guy who has a name you can say. this may seem like an awful thing to do but it really isn't. It's called flooding and its designed to get you comfortable with the idea that its over, she has moved on, and you have moved on. your mind accepts the idea that she is no longer with you and that she is with someone else.

 

In a nutshell I recommend 100% pure unadulterated NC and TIME. And let your thoughts go where they will go. The NC and time will work to diminish those thoughts of her and you will have new thoughts from new experiences to replace the old. The results are "MAGICAL", as Drew Barrymore would say.

[scobro]

The results are magical until you walk by a coffee shop and she is sitting there all hot and georgeous and she calls you over to say hi.Then you go back to square one which is a place I hate being but I always seem to go there somehow.

[In Sync]

.... you really haven't given me any more advice than you have tried to talk down to me and try to point out there is something severely wrong with me. Hey, I made the decision to come here and ask for advice so I am trying to do something about it. So lets stop this I'm just here for pity crap.

 

 

are you serious? I'm talking down to you? In case you haven't notice this is via the internet and we are writing back and forth. Are you hearing my voice in your head...oooo spooky!

[Zero]

are you serious? I'm talking down to you? In case you haven't notice this is via the internet and we are writing back and forth. Are you hearing my voice in your head...oooo spooky!

 

Yeah, you certainly come across to me that way. In case you didn't notice, I don't value your opinion because it is full of assumptions and frankly I don't see why you're still posting in this thread. Now are you gonna leave it alone or are you gonna have to have the last word?

[In Sync]

Yeah, you certainly come across to me that way. In case you didn't notice, I don't value your opinion because it is full of assumptions and frankly I don't see why you're still posting in this thread. Now are you gonna leave it alone or are you gonna have to have the last word?

 

 

There is no shortage of angry people in this world. Have a beautiful day!