Am I wasting time?

[cdm76]

Hey to all my future respondents. I will keep my post limited to basic information and hopefully someone can give me a well designed idea of what direction I need to head.

 

I met and fell instantly for a younger guy (at the time I was 27 and he was 24). We dated and connected powerfully and our relationship progressed rapidly and within 6 months we were living together.

 

We had usual agruments (as most couples that live together do) and after about a year and a half, we started to bicker more and more.

 

Unfortunately, I lost my job in early February and as a result we didnt get to sign on a new house. My ego was crushed, and in my opinion, I felt useless. So of course my ambition was almost nonexistant and I leaned very hard on the one person I beleived I needed to help me through my "darkest hour". He was not a fan and things between us became tense.

 

Approximately 5 weeks ago a fight erupted between us. He works nights and the night of our disagreement I said he should stay with his brother to think things over and then we would talk about it in a couple days. He came back 2 days later and got a majority of his clothes and said that he wanted to out. Well after a few more days and countless pleadings and apologies, he agreed to remain my "bf" (or as he likes to say "together but not together, until I figure out what I want right now").

 

He claims he needs space and time to think things through because he is so angry about the constant fighting and that I need to change in order for him to come back and try to make it work. He has visited a handful of times and each time we end up being intimate. I know that is the reason he comes to see me, and I still dont refuse the advances. I feel used and at the same time I feel close to him.

 

The last day we saw each other was this past Sunday. He told me he needed at least 2 weeks of no contact. I asked if that would really have an impact what he was looking for with our situation. He said he didnt know but needed me to trust him and he would call in a few weeks. He called me several times the next day (Monday and once again on Tuesday). I feel he is confused and sincerely needs what ever space he is asking for, but I dont want to be thinking this way if all he really wants to do is let me down easy.

 

I want it to work out, but not sure what kind of ride I am being taken on. Has anyone every experienced something similar or any man out there done this to someone? If so, then what was the end result? I know each situation is different, but I think basic concepts are the same...

[Guest]

It sounds like he really needs this time with no contact to see how deeply he feels about you. This time will allow him to decide if he can actually live without you and also ponder on why you were arguing so frequently. Try not to take it personally because if he no longer wants to be with you, you don't need him around. You don't need someone who just comes over for a "booty call" and no relationship attached unless that is something the two of you have agreed to do. Take advantage of this time apart and abide by his "no contact for two weeks" request,even if he doesn't. Take time to think about all that has happened and why you would want to resume the relationship.

Best of luck to you

[cdm76]

Super grateful for your insight. I do agree that abiding by his request for NC and space is something he must need or wouldnt have asked for. I also agree that I should use the time to my advantage as well.

 

I am wondering something else...today we talked (serveral days short of his 2 weeks NC). He refuses to come back and try again until he is 100% sure it will work. He is 48% sure today, but admits that percentage varies day to day. He did offer to date me (and not just say he was my "BF"). By dating he means taking it painfully slow and going out on many dates and then working from there. He made it clear his vision of taking it further will be months from now. He also stated he loved me, he cared about me and was sorry for doing this to me. I did say I would consider the offer and ended the telephone convo in tears. Am I being feed a line of BS?

[Diver012]

My personal opinion, any time that someones feelings start to vary like this, I would back way off as best I could. I dont think you being fed a line of BS, I think he says what he feels sincerely. Problem is he doesnt know what he wants to do about it.

 

I would stick to NC and let him figure out whats going on.

[Touche]

I agree with Diver. He's either going to be together with you to work things out together or he isn't. Stringing it out over months is a copout. It's either going to work right now with both of you seeing each other regularly or it's not. To me it's that simple.

 

I'd tell him that. I'd tell him to think it over and get back to you. Be strong. He's calling all the shots now. You need to switch that around. He'll have a lot more respect for you and you'll find out once and for all if he's sincere or not.

 

So to sum up: You're telling him that you DON'T agree to those terms. It's either try together NOW or go your separate ways. I would tell him that if he decides down the line, after he's thought about it, that he wants to try to make it work with you, then you may or may not be available at that time. That if you're available then you can try together. But he risks your not being available at the time he decides. That's his choice. He can try now or wait and risk losing you. No in between. And that's what HIS terms are - a half-assed attempt or even just a way of using you at his whim.

 

So YOU tell HIM what the terms are. And then you'll REALLY know where you stand..no more guessing.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes for you, ok?

[cdm76]

Hello again. Thanks to everyone that has given their advice/opinions. Since my last post things have just been idle. We have not seen each other but have talked twice. Both on his contact. He told me he was going to be very busy this weekend but wondered if I was free for Sunday. I agreed to hang out but he has no idea what he would like to do. I suggested a baseball game, horseback riding or bike riding. He was very undecided about it and said we would figure something out.

 

I am already aware of what his intensions are for our "date". Gawd this is so junkie. I want to see him but hate that wants to see me to subside his feelings of missing me and the extra. My head is demanding I call off the date and my heart is begging me to go through with it. How do I grow the backbone to stop letting myself by hurt?

 

During this entire process I feel like I have ran my head into the wall with his "my way or no way" conditions. I understand he is confused. I understand he may not know exactly what he wants right now. I also understand he needs space. In my mind the logical thing to do is recommit and build from there. His method is step way back and baby step up to a starting point.

 

I really do appreciate having this resource to pour my greif on. I am still unemployed and for the most part my days are consumed by this break up. I know its not healthy. I do as much as I can to stay busy but at this point I dont think I can move on and I know I would never forgive myself if I didnt at least try to make it work. I am not ready to give up and I know I am not ready to face the fact that I may not be the one he wants. Its just not something I am ready to accept. We both put time and energy into what we shared, to walk away for good seems like such a waste. I feel so defeated and frustrated with my limitations. Its very difficult to sit by and wait when all you want to do is hold on tight.

 

I'll post tomorrow if I go through with our "date".