the past year

[sick of it]

i dont know who i pissed off. i dont know what i did. i know that this past year has been absolutley horrible for me. have i experienced a tsunami? no. have i lost a parent? no. but there are things that have happened that have completely affected my personality and changed my attitude...for the worse.

i dont know how to become me again. im starting not to remember who "me" is. all i do now is the woe is me routine. i never used to be negative. but since she left, everything has crumbled. im now walked all over. i have no confidence. i have no balls. ive become a dickhead to people out of defensivness. i feel sorry for myself. i act big and act like old me, but at the first sign of pressure, i fold.

i still get urges to cry. not just about her, but about things that happen to me. i feel like a baby sometimes because i never know when its going to stop. even the people im friends with, family, and people i live with will often say to me, "you must have done something horrible to piss god off." im starting to believe them. i dont know whats going on.

is it karma, do you believe in that? i used to think i was the luckiest out of everyone i knew, because for me, i had everything i wanted. i was in (what i thought was) a loving relationship, i was great at academics, i had great friends, i was wanted, i was popular, i was admired, i was king s***....then she left...its sad to say that that event is what caused it. but since then (which was after college graduation), im not around my friends anymore, i entered into a job where i wasnt appreciated and had to work for nothing (as part of school), i was bashed by her, and led on by her, my world emotionally was turned upside down, i was literally alone while dealing with this for 8 months, i started grad school, moved away, lived with new people, changed every routine i ever had, changed my life against my will....blah blah blah.

im still not comfortable. im not comfortable not being on top. as conceited as it may sound. im not comfortable being the weak one, being the lonely one, being thought of the way ive been for the past year, being thought of the way im thought of by her.

i write out the good things that have happened (and there are many) and its doesnt seem to make a dent in my attitude. i want it to though, i truly do. i want to be better. better off. happy. i want to be able to say "im better off now that shes gone." i havent been able to say that yet. because i dont believe it...and to top it off, she hasnt been shy in telling that to me, which makes me feel lower.

anyway, its a pity party day. i havent had one in a while. progress. thanks for letting me vent...again.

 

-sick

[2020vision]

I am sorry that you are not feeling that hot...I can't really do anything to make you feel better, but having a pitty party and ventingreally helps..So keep venting and know that you are not alone.

[kitten chick]

That was me in 2005. From breakups to deaths and illnesses in the family to my own illnesses I thought the world couldn't kick me in the arse any harder. But it's passed and I'm gathering up what's left of my life, piecing it together, and trying to make my life and myself whole again the way it all was 2 years ago. When I was going through all of this stuff I hated hearing that it will get better one day, it doesn't make you feel any better because you're in pain now. Things will probably get better but we don't really know that. I took from A Million Little Pieces, when things are tough just hold on. It sounds really cheesy but when I was in really bad shape I would repeat to myself over and over again "Hold on" and it did help.

[bendit]

I think you are moving out of the anger stages and into the acceptance stage. Its taken a very long time and I am sure looking back you probably would have done some things differently. keep in mind that life itself is ups and downs; it goes in cycles. you were in a very good cycle and now you are not. You may be able to look back now and realize that some of those good times may have been built on shifting sands or they were nothing but a mirage. It wasn't what you thought it was. What you are experiencing I think is a realization (even if not consciously) that you got too dependent on one person, and you are rebuilding your life after the fall. Its not fun to have to rebuild anything; but going through your pain, I think you are building a far BETTER SOI. Good Luck.

 

regards

[Love Hurts]

My pastor God rest his soul use to say.......

If you are on top of the mountain............. enjoy the air, the breeze and the sunlight.......... because any day now you are going to fall and slide all the way down the mucky thing to the valley below.

 

He was right. It happens. Pride goeth before the fall. If God is teaching you anything... it is self pride. I had that. Like you......... I thought I was all that I had the world in my hands. I had an attitude of I just love being me. I loved my life.

 

It's called self pride. We are to have pride ... pride is where dignity comes from. But there is some unseen measuring stick. When we get too much...that stick comes out of no where and swats us off our singing perch.

Now you are learning humility.... humbleness. Be grateful for what you do have.

The lesson...... is tough and painful... The nicest thing is.... you know where you were and the blessing is you had the privy of being all that.

That feeling you had is still in you................................................. even though the life does not exist.

You need to call on it and use it for a lift. Or you can sink to low.

 

You are going to be very well rounded in the end. You are a diamond in the rough. Getting polished after going through fire.

You will emerge from this place a new man. The old man is transformed.

This is why you feel lost. You are in transition.

 

We are forever changing in this walk of life. Becoming more of who and what God knows we can be.

So God does not hate you ..... he loves you.. Your in his very capable hands...

 

It is good to vent, one day you will be thankful for the new you.

Hard to imagine that now. Spend more time with God..... he's working on you, making you all you can be.

 

*We need the high times in life to handle the low ones that follow.

 

God Bless

[bendit]

Magic & Loss - The Summation - Lou Reed

 

When you pass through the fire, you pass through humble

You pass through a maze of self doubt

When you pass through humble, the lights can blind you

Some people never figure that out

 

You pass through arrogance, you pass through hurt

You pass through an ever present past

And it’s best not to wait for luck to save you

Pass through the fire to the light

 

Pass through the fire to the light

Pass through the fire to the light

It’s best not to wait for luck to save you

Pass through the fire to the light

 

As you pass through the fire, your right hand waving

There are things you have to throw out

That caustic dread inside your head

Will never help you out

 

You have to be very strong, ’cause you’ll start from zero

Over and over again

And as the smoke clears there’s an all consuming fire

Lying straight ahead

 

Lying straight ahead

Lying straight ahead

As the smoke clears there’s an all consuming fire

Lying straight ahead

 

They say no one person can do it all

But you want to in your head

But you can’t be shakespeare and you can’t be joyce

So what is left instead

 

You’re stuck with yourself and a rage that can hurt you

You have to start at the beginning again

And just this moment this wonderful fire

Started up again

 

When you pass through humble, when you pass through sickly

When you pass through I’m better than you all

When you pass through anger and self deprecation

And have the strength to acknowledge it all

 

When the past makes you laugh and you can savor the magic

That let you survive your own war

You find that that fire is passion

And there’s a door up ahead not a wall

 

As you pass through fire as you pass through fire

Trying to remember it’s name

When you pass through fire licking at your lips

You cannot remain the same

 

And if the building’s burning move towards that door

But don’t put the flames out

There’s a bit of magic in everything

And then some loss to even things out

 

Some loss to even things out

Some loss to even things out

There’s a bit of magic in everything

And then some loss to even things out

[Pantero]

This happens to us all. Like the other poster said, HANG ON. You've been doing that. You're working on piecing your life back together. Just trust that in time, with your discipline, you will emerge stronger.

 

Somewhat damaged...but not completely broken. NEVER broken.

 

And stop talking to the b-tch and letting her put you down. NC her ass.