Zeppelin456 Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Okay so I'd really been feeling better about my breakup in the past week or two and seeing as it was almost 5 months ago, I was really feeling like I was on the upswing of things. I've gone NC and it's very much helped. I had deleted my ex from all of the internet places that I thought I might run into her, etc. I REALLY thought I was getting over things. I still missed the times that we had but I didn't miss HER as much, and I think that's a pretty healthy sign when you miss the memory more than the current person. Anyways, about ten minutes ago, I got on my livejournal for the first time in a long while and I checked my friends page and was totally blinded by a long post from her...I hadn't even expected this since she had stopped using livejournal a while ago. Anyways, I see this post and I think about what the people on this site would say: "DON'T READ IT". Of course, I dig in and of COURSE, I find out about some guy that she was f***ing and who doesn't care about her anymore. I feel this pit in my stomach now and I just am devastated, for no reason. Of course she was f***ing someone, why does that surprise me? Why should I feel like this STILL? I have deleted her from livejournal now but I feel like I've lost this progress I've made. I'm heading home from school in less than two weeks and will probably run into her there...I was hoping to go home with some momentum but now I've been stopped in my tracks. Just tell me, why does this s*** still have to suck so bad? Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Here's the ugly little secret about NC...it's not a magic potion. It doesn't lobotomize you, or wipe the ex out of your memory bank. That said, NC is hard as a motherf****r and it's vital in allowing you time and distance to regain your self-esteem and heal in the process. The relationship has not vanished... because it's still going on in the head and heart. Even when you don't see or hear from an ex it's how you feel about that ex that makes it still go on for you. The reason behind NC is to get you to a point that you can process the shock of a breakup and believe me, it could take a helluva long time beyond 5 months to be completely out of the woods. You were no more ready to find out information about your ex than anybody else who just recently broke up 5 minutes ago. That is why you are playing with fire when you visit sites that an ex is on and read info you weren't prepare to find out. That why this "s*** still have to suck so bad"! Now your head is filled with dumb images and questions which basically brings you back to square 1. Link to post Share on other sites
visotech Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 This is exactly what I am fearing. Right now I guess im making good progress getting over her. But as soon as I hear shes with someone, has been fooling around, or sleeps with someone else - I think im going to be back at step 1. I imagine there is a diffrent sort of pain attached to me just getting over her, and me having to get over her being/sleeping/sharing the same things we shared with someone else. Does it get easyer, or do you really end u back at step 1? Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 visotech and zeppelin456: It does get easier. Just don't contact them. Make a promise to yourself to test yourself. For me, I've swore off women till I get ALL my papers submitted, get my degree, and graduate, and get a newer job. Then I can just "do whatever" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeppelin456 Posted May 4, 2006 Author Share Posted May 4, 2006 Oh I don't plan on contacting her. I had even gotten to the point where whenever, for some reason, the thought of her with someone else arose (not too often), it didn't bother me as much as it used to. That's why I'm surprised by how AFFECTED I am by this. yes my head is filled with these crappy thoughts...it stinks. I don't really think this puts me back at square one though...does it? I sure don't feel as crappy as I did 5 months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 This is exactly what I am fearing. Right now I guess im making good progress getting over her. But as soon as I hear shes with someone, has been fooling around, or sleeps with someone else - I think im going to be back at step 1. I imagine there is a diffrent sort of pain attached to me just getting over her, and me having to get over her being/sleeping/sharing the same things we shared with someone else. Does it get easyer, or do you really end u back at step 1? Unless you are completely made of stone why would you not expect that hearing news regarding your ex being with another guy/ girl not effect you or make you feel sucky. You experienced a break-up. Why feign that news of this kind would not be upsetting to you, especially if you were left by the person you LOVED? There's no shame in acknowledging this but there's also no logical point of seeking out information that could set you back. Yes, if time has passed and you've accepted that the two of you have moved on and you can both be happy for each other and their new relationships that is admirable..BUT if it is raw for you, do you get a gold medal for pretending that hearing that doesn't disturb you. It takes time to allow yourself to get past anger and hurt. That's TIME with a capital letters...a few months ain't going to do it if your heart was truly invested in that person you loved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeppelin456 Posted May 4, 2006 Author Share Posted May 4, 2006 This is exactly what I am fearing. Right now I guess im making good progress getting over her. But as soon as I hear shes with someone, has been fooling around, or sleeps with someone else - I think im going to be back at step 1. I imagine there is a diffrent sort of pain attached to me just getting over her, and me having to get over her being/sleeping/sharing the same things we shared with someone else. Does it get easyer, or do you really end u back at step 1? As the minutes are passing though, I'm realizing more and more, it's not step one...the progress I've made is still there, it's just that this is not letting me continue to keep my mind off her, which I'd been doing pretty successfully. It's like she moved up in the queue of things I'm thinking about and it's going to take a little bit of time for other things to move in front again...don't worry though, the progress you make is still good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeppelin456 Posted May 4, 2006 Author Share Posted May 4, 2006 And as an addendum, I just mistakenly found a comment she left for someone else (i swear, I had her blocked but I couldn't help but see this) about how she found this new boy and it's great and whatnot. I can't handle this. It's unfair. I'm working really hard to fix myself but this just makes me lose all perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Zep, if your ex knows you read livejournal, then I think it's pretty mean and selfish what she's doing. She doesnt NEED to write about all the guys she's dating on a site that she KNOWS you read. That's cruel (unless you dumped her? lol). Thankfully, my ex has not really rubbed his new relationship in my face. As for the relapse, you dont always slip back to square one. You could slip half way or just a little. The main difference tho, it's usually easier to pick yourself back up. It's a rollercoaster of emotions. In the beginning, you're on very high's or very very lows. But as time progresses, you find yourself having more highs and fewer lows. And when you do hit those lows, regardless of how low they are, you know you can pick yourself back up, and it's usually easier to pick yourself up, so the lows dont stay around as long. When you hit those lows, just put into practice what you were doing to reach the highs. Actively stop thinking about them and actively start thinking about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Ok, you may not want to accept that reading about the ex and her bf is going back to square 1, but that's just squabbling over a term. To me quare one means you are rehashing and getting upset about the ex...the ex and their going ons are causing you too feel low. The point is reading informaton about her and her new relationship has this effect on you. Do you have this effect about every girl who's live journal you read? As for your ex, she has every right to post on a dating site. Just as you have the right. BECAUSE SHE IS YOUR EX. And if you don't want to keep hitting those lows from stubbling over news that bugs you...stay off that site. Are you forced to go on it? I just mistakenly found a comment she left for someone else (i swear, I had her blocked but I couldn't help but see this) about how she found this new boy and it's great and whatnot. I can't handle this. It's unfair. You are seriously in denial if you write this and then say you didn't take steps back...otherwise your x and her business would mean nada to you. NC is a serious tool for a reason... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeppelin456 Posted May 4, 2006 Author Share Posted May 4, 2006 You are seriously in denial if you write this and then say you didn't take steps back...otherwise your x and her business would mean nada to you. NC is a serious tool for a reason... I don't think you understand. Firstly, this isn't a dating site. It's an online journal, a blog, and one that I've been using for a very long time, at least as long as she has. I don't plan on deleting mine. I did take her off my list of friends so I won't have to deal with seeing her posts. hopefully, she'll do the same for me. As far as squabbling over square one, to me, square one was a hell of a lot worse than this. Square one was not seeing the point in living without this person, not understanding what happened, being completely in the dark. Right now, I feel none of this. I don't even want her back. I'm just upset...you know? It's residual feelings. I learned to differentiate long ago between how much I miss her and how much I miss the old times we had. I don't want the current her. I do miss the way things used to be. Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 I don't think you understand. Firstly, this isn't a dating site. It's an online journal, a blog, and one that I've been using for a very long time, at least as long as she has. I don't plan on deleting mine. I did take her off my list of friends so I won't have to deal with seeing her posts. hopefully, she'll do the same for me. As far as squabbling over square one, to me, square one was a hell of a lot worse than this. Square one was not seeing the point in living without this person, not understanding what happened, being completely in the dark. Right now, I feel none of this. I don't even want her back. I'm just upset...you know? It's residual feelings. I learned to differentiate long ago between how much I miss her and how much I miss the old times we had. I don't want the current her. I do miss the way things used to be. Does that make sense? I understand....I mean if you write I just mistakenly found a comment she left for someone else (i swear, I had her blocked but I couldn't help but see this) about how she found this new boy and it's great and whatnot. I can't handle this. It's unfair is it understandable that it sounds like you were upset by reading her/ the online journal? So you're not at square 1, as I said earlier, but it appeared through your writing that you were upset, that's my point. .you wrote the above quote and I made responded with an honest opinion based on the interpretation that you were not happy after reading the stuff about the ex... Look if you want to establish territory about a blog journal she can as well. If you stumble upon stuff she writes it's logical you start rehashing and well dwelling on what you had. if it's just residuals and you can handle it fine..you know yourself. I was only addressing an earlier post that implied the ex shouldn't include info about her present guy...I mean why should she not..? Once again if I was off base disregard any and all comments... . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeppelin456 Posted May 4, 2006 Author Share Posted May 4, 2006 I understand....I mean if you write is it understandable that it sounds like you were upset by reading her/ the online journal? So you're not at square 1, as I said earlier, but it appeared through your writing that you were upset, that's my point. .you wrote the above quote and I made responded with an honest opinion based on the interpretation that you were not happy after reading the stuff about the ex... Look if you want to establish territory about a blog journal she can as well. If you stumble upon stuff she writes it's logical you start rehashing and well dwelling on what you had. if it's just residuals and you can handle it fine..you know yourself. I was only addressing an earlier post that implied the ex shouldn't include info about her present guy...I mean why should she not..? Once again if I was off base disregard any and all comments... . Yeah I'm sorry...I don't mean to be argumentative. I appreaciate the response, I really do. It was more a case of being SHOCKED at first when reading that stuff...and I felt like crap for a bit. I guess I figured she might be involved with someone but what really hurts is now being able to have the enough details to PICTURE it you know? I'm not gonna repeat verbatim what she said, but it's enough to give my mind something to work on. Either way, I'm working through it and I feel okay today. I guess the lesson is that even if you inadvertantly break your NC like this, if you've really been working to make progress, it can be just a blip in your recovery. If anything, this has helped me a little bit. It's finally CLOSED the door you know? She's with someone else. That's that. As people have noted, it can be a healthy kind of closure. Edit: And you're right that she can post about her new guy. It's not her responsibility to censor herself...it's mine to not read it. Link to post Share on other sites
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