Mixed Advise.

[mr.gerbick]

I started the "Total Mess" thread, and if you read through it I have been attending counseling sessions. I had my third session today and explained that I want to move on, I want to stop contacting and clinging to her. Reading through a lot of the threads on this forum, everyone pretty much always says "stop all contact". Which I agree with. I just need some advise on doing so.

 

My counselor suggested to start a log of everytime i feel like contacting her. Writing down the date, why I wanted to contact her and what I was feeling at that moment. Then he tells me if I DO call her it's NO BIG DEAL, just as long as there is progress with the contacts per week getting less and less. Is this good advise for some in my position? I don't feel it is. She already told me that I am pushing her further away as it is and it needs to stop. I really want to stop too. I was good today and didn't contact her.

[magda]

Therapists just throw that in there so you don't beat yourself up too much if you fail. It's that whole I'm Okay, You're Okay thing. Shoot for not contacting her but don't hang yourself if you mess it up.

 

The log is good. Try a whole list of things to try first if you want to contact her, instead of acting on impulse.

 

This is a good inspiring list I found on the internet. Perhaps reading it fully before contacting her would help you regain your strength. Hope that helps.

 

 

NO CONTACT

 

Settle all critical business before you begin no-contact. This means business only... no personal exchanges.

 

 

1. To keep my sanity and end this relationship, I must maintain NO CONTACT.

 

2. No contact includes every single form of contact with him/her..

 

2a. This also includes...do NOT ask friends/family about him/her and do NOT let friends/family tell you about him/her.

 

3. I will not email him/her.

 

4. I will not call him/her.

 

5. I will not send him/her letters, cards for any occasion or notes of any kind.

 

6. I will not text message, two way, fax or page him/her.

 

NO CONTACT MEANS - NO CONTACT

 

7. If he/she calls me, I will not answer the phone.

 

8. If he/she leaves a voice mail or answering machine messages, I will delete it without listening to it. (Anything he/she says is done to draw me back into his/her web of insanity.)

 

9. If he/she emails me, I will delete the message without reading it or answering it.

 

 

10. If he/she mails me a card, letter or note of any kind, I will throw it into the garbage can without opening it or reading it.

 

11. If he/she two-ways me, text messages or pages me, I will delete the message or the phone number and not listen to the message or return his/her call.

 

12. If I am ever tempted to do anything listed from 1-11, I will get to this board immediately and talk about it.

 

OR replace a hopeful reunion fantasy with a Clear Memory of a time that he/she insulted me, left me, manipulated me, belittled me, made me cry, used my children, friends or family to demean me, embarassed me in front of co-workers, family or friends or used sex or love as a way to intentionally hurt me.

 

13. If I feel like I am about to reach for the phone to call him/her, write, email, page, fax or text message him/her, I will count to ten and clealy ask myself silently, why am I doing this?

 

14. If friends and family are not supportive of my efforts to remove myself from this relationship, I will not discuss my personal life with them and will ask them sternly not to offer their opinions. My decisions about this are my own. This is My Battle.

 

15. If I find that the urge to speak to him/her or see him/her has overwhelmed me and I slip off the course, I promise to be kind to myself and patient with the situation.

 

16. I promise to be good to myself, forgive myself and allow myself to move on and not dwell on this for ever.

 

17. I will stop creating chaos in my mind & enviornment.

 

 

18. I will accept reality-The facts.

 

 

19. I will accept others for who they are.

 

 

20. My hands are off others responsibilities: I will tend to my own, focus on me.

 

21. I will refuse to believe any of his/her lies about how wonderful his/her life is now. Basing the truth on the past, I will assume him/her to be lying.

 

22. I will distrust every time he/she has a "change of heart".

 

23. I will journal all my positive and negative feelings.

 

24. I must accept my own responsibility in this relationship.

 

25. I will strive to find what it was that he/she invoked in me that created MY behavior.

 

26. We must love ourselves.

 

27. Take time off before beginning a new relationship.

 

28. Find out what we need in a relationship, and go after that in a person that is worthy and has substance, morals, and ethics.

 

ACCEPT NOTHING LESS FOR YOURSELF!!!

[visotech]

Its not like no contact is a given scientific method. Every relationship is different, every individual is different, you have to explore the options and make your own decision. You can try full on contact and obsessivly contact your ex about the relationship - I doubt this will do anything good for you. But you can also try limited contact, try to keep from talking about the relationship, and try to keep from being obsessive. I think if you had a "good breakup" limited contact may actually do you both well.

[Alexandra]

Very good guide you dug out Magda.

 

I know I'm going to be shot down for the following but here goes:

 

Mr.Gerbick it very much depends on your therapist and what method they have in mind for you. It's safe to assume your therapist knows you a bit better than an internet board though.

 

I for one am not an advocate of SNC -Sudden No Contact- simply because I've seen many of my patients try it and fail for it being extreme. I found lessening contact first and then initiating full NC is sometimes more effiecient if there has been a lot of interraction before. In other words going from 3 calls or meetings a day to complete NC can be so extreme that it's like setting people up to fail so I don't insist on NC untill they've first "trimmed it down". Again though, that depends on the person. If they seem strong and stable enough to go through with SNC then it's a good idea, if not it can be done gradually at first, PROVIDING it's done under supervision (e.g. the person has a support network, regular therapy and such, when a person is alone through this the chances to fail at NC are greater.)

 

Afterall the decision of having SNC or go by what s/he said lays with you but whichever you decide, make sure to explain what it is and why you took that decision with your therapist so that you avoid building a ressistance.

 

With all that said, and being given I won't be here to read the flaming responses for 24 hours or so, everyone shoot

[mr.gerbick]

Thanks for the responses. Things just keep popping up that make it harder and harder to deal with or at least heal. I am really trying not to contact her, but I keep catching her up in contradictions. Like, she told me that she wasn't going to be dating or anything anytime soon. She said she just needs time to breathe. She still hangs out with my sister, and I happened to stumble over an email invite that she sent her for a party she is having. There was something in there about bring some guys with nice lips w/o girlfriends. Stuff like that just brings my anxiety levels to a new high, and my initial reaction is to call her out on it. I just have no clue what do anymore, I am so lost.