The aftermath.......picking myself up again

[sanne]

Well I wish I could say I've followed the advice I've given here and kept up with the NC to the best of my ability, but I have relapsed. I find that when I am really lonely or feeling badly about myself my initial response is to reach out to her because she was familiar and she had shown me love before.

 

I made the gigantic mistake of contacting her again yesterday, I was feeling so down and I really just wanted to hear a familiar voice. After I made contact I knew what a huge mistake it was right away, but it was too late I suppose. The conversation started out very nice and friendly, until she asked me if I was ever lonely. I told her that at times I do miss having someone. I honestly don't remember but from there the conversation just went very bad. She ended up telling me that her being with me was a mistake, and that she should not have left her ex when things got bad. That was probably the last thing I ever wanted to hear, and it felt like I was experiencing the pain all over again. Her words were so cold and emotionless, almost as if she was aiming right for my heart with each sentence.

 

There are just no feelings left on her side. I don't know why this bothers me so much, I'm not even in love with her and i am actually repulsed by her when I think about what she has done. However, I am so self-critical I think less of myself when I hear her say those words. That I was never worth a damn. I know that is not true at all, but it's hard sometimes to pick myself up again.

 

So I got to thinking today about what I wanted out of my life, and how I need to start making some major changes or else I will never get away from all of this. I made a decision to do something I never had the balls to do. I told my ex to not respond to any contact I might make to her ever again. I told her to ignore me no matter what I say. So there it is, hopefully the last encounter I ever have with my ex ever again. I'm hoping I can finally make it through this and break free. I've set myself a goal because I find I can accomplish things better when I make specific goals, to not make any contact for the rest of the year. If I can make it until then, I know I will be able to make it for good.

 

What have I learned from all of this??? Relationships end sometimes, and it may or may not be your fault, but that doesn't matter. They end and sometimes you just have to accept that it is over and move on with your life. You can sit there and cry and feel sorry for yourself, or you can make a conscious decision to get better and heal yourself.

[darkknight]

Yoah there fella!

 

You seem to have feelings, call it love call it what you will, but don't disown your own feelings.

 

When I contemplate giving up smoking suggesting that I do not LOVE that first smoke of the morning or the Marlboro after great sex wouldn't help me cause!

 

Just a thought make of it what you will

[kitten chick]

sanne, that was a great post.

 

I'm sorry that you had a relapse and that your ex said all of those awful things. I know it hurts so much when they let out their insensitive words. It bothers you so much because you wouldn't want to hear anyone say cruel things about you much less someone that you loved once.

 

Just because you don't love her anymore doesn't mean that the whole experience isn't painful. Sometimes it's not the failed relationship that upsets us but the experience of the breakup and moving on.

 

I'm so glad to hear that you're really putting a stop to this, that you're not giving her the power to break down your self esteem any further. This seems like a huge step in moving on.

 

I'm a true believer that you have to have your heart broken at least once to succeed in relationships. It will make you a better boyfriend to your next girlfriend. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that she is more deserving than the last.

[sanne]

oh boy the drama never ends with this girl i swear. so yesterday i received a call from the dean of student affairs at my college asking me to come in to meet with her about my ex, but they wouldn't say why. i seriously thought she had committed suicide or hurt herself so i spent the whole half of yesterday trying to make sure she ok. i finally get a hold of her and i find out that she was committed to a mental health facility a week ago for severe depression. to make matters worse she has told the dean that I was part of the reason she was so depressed. apparently the things i have said to her, which were all true, have contributed to her severe depression. so now i have to go meet with the dean and explain myself.

 

you know it's bad enough what she has done to me, but to go and contact the dean and do all this is just too much. i am so done with this girl I never want to see her again in my life. she is just trouble.

[westernxer]

She's blaming you for her depression? The dean will just have to accept that love's a bitch.

[kitten chick]

apparently the things i have said to her, which were all true, have contributed to her severe depression.

 

I find this very disconcerting. What did you say to this girl?

[sanne]

i admit i have said things that were out of line when we were both angry with each other. however, i have always apologized for them. the problem with her is that she cannot take any personaly criticism. the things i've called her out on are all true, and i'm not apologizing because she cannot handle reality. i have no regrets on calling her out for her horrible behavior, she should thank me for doing it.

[pippen_2k]

Oh well bad luck..

 

What goes around comes around huh...

 

Dont have any sympathy for her Sanne.

[In Sync]

Big Hug to you anyways, Sanne (though a tiny slap on your wrist after you gave me a nicely printed lecture on NOT CONTACTING THE EX) read below:

 

and WHATEVER you do, do not pick up that phone and call him. please let me story be a reminder to you how horrible an idea that is. they do not want to talk to you, if they did they would contact you. there is also the potential for them to say some very nasty and hurtful things. why put up with it?

Whatever she said to you, please allow those words wash away. They were meant to hurt your core being. You know this. Perhaps she is hurting from something so deep that she needs to lash out at you to make you hurt too.

 

 

Your relationship with her is like mine and the rest of us here at LS with the ex's. Its a relationship with the past. Our past images of these ex's. We know they aren't worth it the hearteache, but we are still tied to something we remembered of them in the past. And present contact with them only points out what that they are not, nor will they become what we remembered.

[sanne]

In Sync there is definitely some truth to what you are saying. I have no idea what kind of pain she must have been going through for her to have checked herself into a mental health facility. I know she lashed out against me because I believe she blames me for her feeling so badly about her problems.

 

The conclusion I've come to is that I am incapable of dealing with her on any level. I don't have the understanding or patience to deal with someone who suffers from severe depression. I honestly want to see her recover and move on with her life, and I realize that even though I'm not doing anything I consider wrong I am still not a good presence in her life. I bring up too many past issues and remind her of a time of her life that she is just not proud of. But you know what, I'm ok with everything. Her problems are not my fault, and I feel like I have finally freed myself from her grip. I've let her go and I am going to start worrying about myself for a change and living my own life.