coping with No Contact.

[minimariah2]

for all of you, who are going through OR went through No Contact - how do you cope? how do you cope with emotions and general curiosity?

 

for all of you who lost contact & have no way of finding out any information about your exes - how do you cope with not knowing what's going on with your ex lovers?

 

thanks!

[Beachead]

Hi minimariah2,

 

Initially I let myself feel the pain. I watched youtube videos on coping with NC. I used LS to talk to others and read their stories. For myself, I stopped dating and stayed close to the people I loved. I also started going to the gym (Around 3 months NC). But one of the key things for me in the beginning was making sure I journaled my thoughts onto paper. I'd write nearly everyday and sometimes more than once. There were 3 techniques I used: I free wrote my thoughts onto paper, I focused on the negative parts of the relationship and the reasons for breaking up, and I'd focus on things I looked forward to in my life as well as what I was grateful for. Then I'd think about something I wanted to do in the future and set up goals to get there. Writing your plans out onto paper or even talking to yourself about it as if we're interviewing yourself is all out powerful way of subconscious putting it into your mind.

 

1. I let my thoughts out onto paper without restrictions. Angry thoughts, cursing whatever I wanted. I didn't format it. It was just for me. It was like silent venting and getting it all out. In the process, I noticed patterns over time which I'd highlight and focus on working on.

 

2. Arguably, the most important technique in the beginning was to focus my writing onto why the relationship ended in the first place and all the things they did in that relationship that upset me. There are always reasons why the relationship ended. You just have to reinforce these things into your mind. Usually, you'll realize the reasons when you get angry about what happened (And you will if you haven't yet. Completely normal). When the anger came, I'd write down all the things that were on my mind because it proved to be good read for the future for when I got weak again. This is good technique because when we break up, our pain and anxiety make us want to run back to our exes to relieve the pain, even though they or the circumstances in the relationship were bad for us. It's a bad move than can be very punishing. This writing technique helped get myself out the funk and stopped me from doing such things on many occasions.

 

3. Another technique which is good for later on was to focus on 2 things I was grateful in my life and 2 things I looked forward to in the day and would write those out also. Later on, I'd also start thinking about the future and set a long term goal up. From there I'd produce short-term goals to help me get there. This helped me focus on myself and would get me moving forward. This type of journaling was to help me move forward.

 

I have gotten to points where I want to reach out after a dream or simply out of curiosity and unblocked my ex. I always regretted it because my heart would always break from what I saw. You'll see them at their best..either in a relationship, or with friends, or travelling. It sucks but at the same time sometimes doing so can actually help remind you of why you don't want to see them on social media. Use this technique sparingly. In general, breakups hurt and it's important to know it's okay feel like crap. Just sit back and let it be. When dealing, you have let your emotions be freely flow while also continuing on forward. You'll be pretty unstable for awhile cycling from anger to sadness, to denial/numbness. Over time, you'll notice you'll catch a happy moment in your life. Then you'll have an hour of happiness. Than a few hours of it. Then half a day..then a whole day. Then a few days and then a week. Over time, you'll discover your able to smile without them and you may even forget about them. But..it takes time. Killing hope is the hardest part of moving forward. For me, it took about 6 months to kill hope and begin to move forward. I found around month 3-6 to be the hardest times in NC. At some point, you become so emotionally exhausted and tired of holding on, that it becomes easier to let go. That's when you begin to do it.

 

Be kind to yourself and know these things take time.

 

Anyway, I wrote an essay in here so I'll leave it as that. Stay strong.

 

- Beach

Edited April 15, 2019 by Beachead

[minimariah2]

Beach, that was a beautiful post. Thank you!

[Beachead]

Thanks

 

I've been through a few heartbreaks in my life so a lot of these strategies are what I've found to help me + some good advice from people over the years as well.

 

There are some good LS threads on the coping forum which I've used myself, just for people just like us who have struggled with NC and are currently grieving a breakup. I often just try to share what I've learned over the years but occasionally I use it to vent, myself, when I need it. It's a nice thing to have just to remind you that there are people out there feeling what you're feeling and also working through the same battle. You can also PM me if you are wrestling with thoughts and on the cusp of making a mistake.

 

I hope the help finds you well.

 

- Beach

Edited April 15, 2019 by Beachead

[minimariah2]

you've got PM, Beach.