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me to let go for good.


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 21st February 2019, 8:29 PM   #1
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me to let go for good.

Hi, new poster here. It’s supposed to say ‘help me to let go for good’ but the copy and paste went a bit funny.

I’m writing this as I lie in bed after another all-out social media stalking session of my ex who I broke up with (for the last time) 4 YEARS AGO.

We were on and off for about six months. We never even got that close because it was very high drama - he was jealous, I was codependent but also temperamental, and I must have broke it off about eight times, only to text him back into my life after a few wines in a London bar somewhere.

When I met him, I thought I was going to marry him. From day one I had this powerful sense of ‘this is it’ that I never felt before or since. But it quickly curdled and became a really toxic situation, which I blamed him for. I mean, he wasn’t kind, but I can see now, looking back, that I was just nuts. I was really mad. I’d come on all strong and affectionate, he’d say something rude and then I’d be door slamming, leaving in the middle of the night, drunk crying - all of it. Not pretty. I demanded apologies for the initial rudeness/accusations from him, but he was always so cold. The sex was amazing. Like, not physically, but the high I got from making this man want me was unbelievable. I would get so excited to see him that I was breathless at times.

I think, from day 1, I put him on a pedestal and couldn’t believe a guy as stylish and ‘cool’ as that would be interested in nerdy old me. I thought it would prove something about myself if I could make it work with him. But whenever he was rude or disrespectful - often - my whole perspective would change and IĀ’d try to regain control of the situation by leaving, hoping he would protest, which he never ever did. His coldness would make me regret my decision and contact him again, and the whole cycle would start over with me in an even worse bargaining position than before.

I came to realise that he couldn’t care less whether I was there or not - that’s how it seemed. But I think he was also just tired of my antics and inconsistency. The whole thing was a bit of a joke by the end. I settled for just sleeping together before he left to go work in Ibiza for a season.

Whilst he was away, I met a man cut from an entirely different cloth, who was kind and patient and totally into me. We had the best conversations and he didn’t trigger my abandonment things because he was 100% reliable and devoted from the start. It was fairly early in our relationship when the first guy returned from Ibiza and, for the first time ever, reached out to me, wanting to meet up. I said no. And that was the fork in the road.

I am still with the second guy and we are now engaged. I’ve never felt closer to anyone in my life. He is my rock. I pride myself on having broken the cycle of inter-generational bad decision making in my family by being with him. It is the obvious, rational, sensible, wholesome decision. And I don’t want to be a messed up stereotype of the woman who risks it all for another shot with the bad guy.

IĀ’ve even left the flipping country with my partner, and gone to live abroad. Before I went, I contacted my ex to tell him I was leaving and to say goodbye. My partner knew and saw the message. My ex unexpectedly sent a long reply saying how I’m special and he didnĀ’t deserve someone like me at the time, and all the best with my partner and in my new life abroad.

Well that hit me like a brick wall and immediately sent my mind reeling with ‘what ifs’. I managed to leave it there, though, and off I went. That was nearly two years ago now, so about two years since we stopped being involved.

I’m not anywhere near close to actually doing something about the fact that I still think of my ex all the time. Well, not all the time. Only when I look.

See I managed to go the entire 2018 without looking on his social media or having any contact with him whatsoever - complete and true NC. And it was working. It gave me a feeling of mental distance I didn’t have before. But during a stressful time at the start of this year, I felt very inflamed and I had a ‘little look’.Now I find myself obsessing all over again.

So let me be the example of the lesson: DO NOT QUIT NC NO MATTER HOW SAFE YOU THINK YOU ARE. I thought I could just ‘be curious’, after all, I’d gone a whole year without looking! But since then I’ve regressed and fallen back into looking a lot, and I even text him happy birthday last week, which he thanked me for and there was no further dialogue.

My partner knows all of this. I’ve told him about my social media stalking problems, the ex, how that experience dug it’s claws in and I’m finding it hard to let go of all the things that happened. He’s well aware of it.

There are times where I can’t stop thinking about this ex, and it’s exhausting and makes me sad. I donĀ’t want to be thinking of him, but I am. I’m fairly sure that he doesnĀ’t think of me at all anymore. This is all going on inside my head.

IĀ’ve thought deeply about why this is happening. It’s obvious that he represents some bigger struggle for me, and also represents what I’m not getting in my longterm relationship (excitement). He’ll always be unfinished business, but I want to close it off for good. If I could wave a wand and never think of him again, I would. But my mind plays all sorts of tricks on me of the ‘what if it would be different now’ variety. I’m trying to keep my rational head above water but there are moments where it’s really really hard to not think ‘maybe I should contact him.Ā’

The main thing stopping me is my commitment to my partner. I don’t want to go down that road. I am so much happier and more stable with my partner. I might have my nutty moments, but I’m not batshi’ crazy enough to actually throw what we have away, and for what? Some guy I didn’t even know that well? I’ve even quit drinking now, because I’m smart enough to see the connections.

I need help overcoming this fantasy version of my ex that I’ve created in my head. I also feel ashamed because for all my googling, I can’t find anything which matches this situation - plenty about exes of course, but actual YEARS later? And when I’m well into a much better, longer and more fulfilling relationship with somebody else? Somebody who is even better looking, smarter and richer than my ex?

What the heck is wrong with me? How can I make it stop??

Last edited by inflamed; 21st February 2019 at 8:36 PM..
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Old 21st February 2019, 9:42 PM   #2
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Try taking everything you said, only 6 years. It wasn't an ex, we worked together for 3 months, I am not in a relationship with someone nicer, richer, and better looking. You'll find me. I'll take all the advice you get for myself too! I am stupid enough to have gotten false hope off his lack of replies to me constantly reaching out to find closure.
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Old 21st February 2019, 9:55 PM   #3
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Well, the event that gave you hope again was when he knew you were actually leaving the country, so no danger of you bouncing back to him, then is when he feels safe enough to say "you're special" and "I didn't deserve you." Something he wouldn't have done if he thought there was any chance it would make you come after him again and he'd be expected to act on these sweet nothings. It's like how you never speak ill of the dead.

I would say you are nuts for jeopardizing your current relationship and that you need to get into therapy at this point and put a stop to this. OR you can take the cheap route and just use self-discipline and WANT to stop and ......

Make Yourself Stop

You have complete control over your own actions and whether you get over him or not. As someone once told me, when you get tired enough of being miserable, you'll stop. So maybe therapy to find out what you're getting out of keeping yourself in a constant miserable state that sabotages your better relationship. Absentee parent? Abuse? What are you trying to fix by keeping this going and trying to "rehab" him? Did someone else have some of the same characteristics? That's the type thing you might stumble on in therapy.
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