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feeling lost, numb and tired after breakup

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 17th February 2019, 9:29 PM   #1
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feeling lost, numb and tired after breakup

Hi everyone.

If you want to see the entirety of my current situation you can look at my previous thread "Final Update: boyfriend being distant after saying I love you"

But this post is more about me, because I don't know how to cope with the way I feel right now. We've been broken up for just over a week, and after his reappearance on Friday which gave me hope, and then his sudden avoidance again starting yesterday, I am exhausted.

In fact I don't think I've ever felt this mentally exhausted. All of my posts have been about him. Trying to figure out what he's thinking, what he's feeling, what he's doing. But I think I want to focus on me right now, how I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, how I'm doing.

The truth is, this breakup has caused me to feel lost and numb and tired. It's my fault for being the kind of person who tries to think about every possible aspect of a situation until I run myself dry, but I guess I don't really know what to do from here. I don't want to think about him anymore, but I'm the kind of person who feels lost, like something is missing when I'm not in a relationship. I'm the kind of person who craves that deep and loving and stable connection due to things I've been through in my life. I'm not really sure where I was going with this post, maybe it was more to vent. I'm just so used to spending all of my time with him that I don't really know where to go from here. I feel like I lost my best friend, and the hardest part is knowing in my gut that he still has feelings and is hurting but won't do anything to fix this.

I want to want more for myself, I want to know I deserve better, but I still love him so I don't have that feeling yet. And I'm mad at him for popping back up again Friday as if everything was fine only to go back to complete avoidance the next day. And if he pops back up again like I fully expect him to, I don't think I'll have any more energy left to give him. And maybe that's for the best.
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Old 17th February 2019, 11:16 PM   #2
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Iím sorry youíre going through this. Maybe you should try and hang out with some of your friends to distract yourself a bit. Try to keep yourself busy. This guy doesnít seem worth the time to be worrying over after the way he has and continues to treat you. You sound like a caring person and Iím sure the right person will come along for you eventually. Youíre young and have plenty of time ahead of you. I know it will take time but youíll eventually be able to focus off of him and shift onto you. Things will get better.
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Old 18th February 2019, 3:17 PM   #3
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Thank you, I know in the long run this is what's best for me unless he completely changes. But right now everything hurts and I know that if he comes back I would take him back just to ease the short term pain, and that scares me. I just feel so lost and confused, how could everything be so perfect and then all of a sudden he's just over it two days after telling me he loves me for the first time?

It just completely caught me off guard and I'm trying to come back from the shock of it while also dealing with him popping in and out of my life again over the last 3 days.

Last edited by Moderator; 18th February 2019 at 8:36 PM.. Reason: Redact quote of prior post
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Old 19th February 2019, 9:56 AM   #4
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@hope18, I feel for you and I understand a lot of what you're saying. It's really, really common to analyze everything the other person said or did to try to make sense of it all. It's how our brains cope. In the very early days after a breakup, it can seem very overwhelming so it might be best to try to find other things to distract you. Hang out with friends if you can. Read a book. I find being outside helps a lot - Going for a walk while listening to a good podcast seems to help me a lot. You're going to go over and over this for a while and I think that's ok. It's ok to feel sad and lost for a little while - you've lost someone you care about. You can't think straight right now. Let yourself feel things. I also think you should avoid your ex at all costs. And honestly too. Don't try to accidentally run into him on purpose. Disappear and let him wonder where you went.

We're here to give you tough love. You won't hear it for a while but hopefully it will eventually set in. You deserve better than this guy. If you take him back, he will do this to you again. And also, he won't respect you at all because he knows all he has to do is snap his fingers and you'll be back. You will set yourself up for months and possibly years of this merry go round with him. And getting attention from him might feel good for a few moments, but it hasn't changed the fact that he broke up with you and is choosing to stay broken up. At the end of the day, it's that simple. Whether he does or does not have feelings is irrelevant. He is choosing not to act on them and knowingly hurting you.
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Old 19th February 2019, 10:23 AM   #5
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My therapist once told me that it was both healthy and perfectly normal to ruminate. It will help you move past it as long as you are taking the right steps to move forward. What helped me move forward, and not just with breakups, but with life in general is to fill my own cup. I am slowly doing and finding things that make me happy. I still have moments when I analyze the situation and look at every detail to come to my own terms with what transpired, but it doesn't affect my happiness or my life to the extent it did. I feel down for a little while and then I am able to move beyond it and get my focus back to myself. I am also able to admit when I feel terrible over something.
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Old 26th February 2019, 10:41 PM   #6
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ease the hurt when they move on

My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago tomorrow. He's been giving tons of mixed signals as far as his feelings for me (I've been staying NC as much as I can), but I've been seeing him around campus with another girl.

I'm pretty sure she's just a friend (90% of his friends are female), but it made me realize how terrified I am of him moving on/replacing me. Today I saw him walking with her so I put my head down looking at my phone and pretended not to see him, but he grabbed my arm and said "hi?? what's up" so I just said hi and kept walking. I just really need some words of comfort for when/if he does move on.

We've broken up once before in October because he got scared when things got deep and he cut things off the next day saying he lost feelings. Two weeks later he was back saying he never lost feelings, just didn't know how to handle the situation and his emotions (I'm his first gf, we're both freshmen in college).

I gave him a second chance and we were together until beginning of February, everything was so great and we were so close, he was head over heels for me. Then he told me he loved me for the first time (this made him pull away because he has the hardest time opening up/being vulnerable). A few days later he broke up with me, again saying that he lost feelings for me. I don't really believe he lost feelings (last weekend he got jealous seeing me hang out with one of my guy friends, his friends have said he's miserable..... you can see my previous thread for the full (long) story).

Anyways, my last two relationships I was replaced weeks later. Seeing him around campus with this girl has made me realize how terrified I am of that happening again especially because it is a small campus where I see him almost every day.

I just need some words of encouragement. I try telling myself that even if he moves on he still has SERIOUS immaturity issues that aren't just going to disappear with a new relationship. He'll still be the same guy with the same intimacy issues for a long, long time and just because he may find someone new doesn't mean all of these issues are gone.
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:06 AM   #7
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It's hard when you have to see them around campus. Can you vary your routine a bit, going a few minutes earlier or taking the long path?

You will be OK.

Try making a list of all the reasons it's good you are apart & re-reading it periodically.
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Old 27th February 2019, 11:51 AM   #8
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Thank you, yes I have changed my routine as much as possible to avoid bumping into him, but some day's it's inevitable or he'll just pop up and say hey like yesterday.

That's a good idea with the list, I think I'll try it. I've been through two other big breakups but this has been the worst by far because I have to see him every day, we have mutual friends, and I know he's hurting and didn't lose feelings for me so it doesn't make sense to me. With the other breakups at least I had some definite closure.
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