Dumpers View of NC?

[MeadowFlower]

If NC is carried out, like say there is only contact for one day after the breakup, then it's crickets (totally stole that term from someone on LS, feel free to claim credit), does that affect the dumper? In the sense that, they are surprised, think about the dumpee in a missing them way, wonder why the dumpee hasn't contacted, etc?

[fieldoflavender]

Honestly I think when someone is over the relationship - any contact is more of an annoyance, brings on guilt, and is pointless.

 

If it's relatively mutual, then hopefully both people can just quickly move on and forget their choices in an incompatible or bad relationship.

 

NC is only relevant when someone can't get over a person. I just got "dumped" but to be honest, I guess I was subtly "dumping" them 3 weeks prior mentally. No idea how he feels, but I just want away from him and I don't care if there is contact - I would seriously prefer none not because I can't get over him, but he just reminds me of all the relationship failures in my life. And I want to move on and date more people and forget him.

[nolanola]

If NC is carried out, like say there is only contact for one day after the breakup, then it's crickets (totally stole that term from someone on LS, feel free to claim credit), does that affect the dumper? In the sense that, they are surprised, think about the dumpee in a missing them way, wonder why the dumpee hasn't contacted, etc?

 

I think it really depends. If you were someone that talked to the other person a lot, especially if you would typically text or call them a lot, then I would think they would notice. How they would feel about noticing is the real question.

 

When you've been in someone's life for a long time, the absence of you (and of that person in your life) is going to seem weird for a while. The person that did the dumping may have other reasons for not feeling bad about this: they're involved with someone new (this is a big distraction from dealing with the breakup), they're mad at you, you did something really bad and they're upset about it. So they may not be too affected by not hearing from you initially. In my experience, NC has opposite effects on the dumper and the dumpee. The dumpee is going to feel like s**t for the first time after the breakup (could be weeks to months) and the dumper is going to be fine (maybe feel a little bad or guilty). Typically, the dumper isn't affected until a lot later and for some reason this always seems to happen with the dumpee is just moving on. I have no idea why. It's some kind of cosmic thing in the universe.

 

That's just my experience, but I'm sure there are situations where the dumper never feels anything about the NC. I do think they notice though. Especially if you would typically reach out at certain times or in certain situations. And then you don't.

 

NC really is the best thing for the dumpee, even though it is a really crappy experience. You will get better, even if it seems to take forever. Somehow it seems like when you get to the point that you don't care if you hear from them again, that's when they come back. But you can't fake it. You actually have to get there.

[abotha5]

If NC is carried out, like say there is only contact for one day after the breakup, then it's crickets (totally stole that term from someone on LS, feel free to claim credit), does that affect the dumper? In the sense that, they are surprised, think about the dumpee in a missing them way, wonder why the dumpee hasn't contacted, etc?

.

 

Yes it will. Initially the dumper is relieved that he/she went through the dumping. In the next phase the dumper starts to get curious about what the dumpee is doing. After that the dumper starts to think that he/she might have lost the dumpee for good. They now start experiencing seperation anxiety the same way the dumpee did. It is normally during this stage that they will reach out to the dumpee. You have to let them own the breakup. No contact is your best chance of getting them back. If you want their attention, remove your own

[MeadowFlower]

So how long typically is it until the dumper feels the breakup as it were? And what if there is already someone else the dumper likes at the time of breaking up?

 

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

[Artdeco]

So how long typically is it until the dumper feels the breakup as it were? And what if there is already someone else the dumper likes at the time of breaking up?

 

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

 

I have never missed a "dumpee" when I was the "dumper".

It takes long enough to finally muster up the courage to break up, esp if it's a one-sided endeavor, and all I felt was relieve, when it was finally done and behind me. Any contact from an exBF would have been a major inconvenience, a reminder of the pain I caused, etc. I have never missed contact with an ex. Ever.

 

And if somebody new was already in the picture - even less so. Nothing worse than an ex reaching out when you're done with the relationship and interested in somebody else. So to answer your question about the "dumper's view of NC": It's a godsend. When I am done I am done. No contact is desired. Period.

Edited February 8, 2019 by Artdeco

[stillafool]

So how long typically is it until the dumper feels the breakup as it were? And what if there is already someone else the dumper likes at the time of breaking up?

 

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

 

When I was the dumper the relationship is over when I broke up. Normally dumpers don't decide to end the relationship without much thought so when I've dumped the relationship is already over in my mind. If there is someone else I want to date after I've ended it with ex; I can move on an date the other person right away without guilt. And, I don't want contact from the dumpee because I don't want to feel guilt.

[ExpatInItaly]

When I have been the dumper, it was because I genuinely wanted to end the relationship.

 

Thus, whether or not my exes went No Contact was largely irrelevant. I didn't have romantic feelings for them anymore and was fine if we'd remained friendly, but was also fine if that was too hard for them and they wanted to cut ties.

 

When someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, going No Contact won't change that.

[Blanco]

From experience, I can say that the dumper may miss contact from the dumpee on some level, but not usually in the capacity that the dumpee hopes (i.e. wanting to rekindle the relationship).

 

I've had pretty much every dumper attempt to re-establish contact with me, but it's usually not been because they want to get back together. They just don't like the idea of never hearing from the person again. That's all.

[d0nnivain]

No the dumper doesn't miss the dumpee. If anything when I was the dumper I was thrilled that the person I hurt wasn't chasing after me, begging for me to come back because I knew I wouldn't & I didn't want to have keep hurting them by rejecting them over & over. With NC I knew the person was taking stock of their own life & doing what they had to do to heal & get over me. That said when I was dumped in my early 20s, my dumper was kind to me & I always appreciated that so I tried to be kind to people I dumped. If they called I'd listen for a few minutes, never more than 5, & I always stayed on message: we're not getting back together & they needed to stop reaching out because it wasn't good for them.

[nolanola]

So how long typically is it until the dumper feels the breakup as it were? And what if there is already someone else the dumper likes at the time of breaking up?

 

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

 

It takes a long time. With my previous ex (not the most recent one), it was 3 years before he tried to get in touch with me. Our relationship ended really badly and hurtfully, so I'm sure that had something to do with it.

 

It is usually not a week or two. Think of it this way: if your relationship isn't working, whatever isn't working would have to change for the relationship to work. For example, my previous ex had issues with addiction and a lot of other things. When we broke up, I was so heartbroken and I wanted him back. But once I got a little distance, I didn't want the craziness of the relationship back. I missed him and some of the good times we had, but I didn't want the bad things back. He had serious issues that would not be addressed in a week or even a year. He had a ton of work to do on himself. When we broke up, he was running away from what he needed to do by dating a bunch of random women. So I knew that even if he reached out to me, it wouldn't matter because nothing would have changed.

 

With my current ex, he is avoidant and emotionally unavailable and appears to be doing the same things with the woman he is seeing now. So whether he sends me a stupid text is irrelevant. He isn't ready or willing to be in a relationship with me, and as much as that sucks and hurts, it's reality. I think of that when I wish he would call or text me. He hasn't changed at all and therefore, will just hurt me again.

[Beachead]

The above posts are exactly why there's no point in holding on or wondering what our exes might be feeling. We can't help these feelings in our grief but this is why it's better to go NC and be done with it.

 

The only exception where I see a dumper returning because they love you is if they were forced to end the relationship due to being treated badly or because of a deal-breaker such as being physically abused or cheated on. In this case, ending it hurts the dumper far worse as they are put in a position of having to choose their sanity/integrity over staying in an obviously a toxic relationship.

 

- Beach

Edited February 8, 2019 by Beachead

[fieldoflavender]

It's a personality thing. My most recent ex has a problem letting go. He told me he is still friends with his ex's brother and goes to their house. Nothing wrong with being friends with the brother but at least like I dunno - hang out somewhere else? And the ex is married too. Lame and pathetic.

 

I'm someone who likes cutting off everything for good. It helps me move on and start afresh. I throw away or give away all relationship items, or give them back. I delete every single picture. Social media delete. It's as if we never knew each other. What is the point?

 

I could be tempted if they were great activity partners for something and we could still hang out as friends. But my most recent ex - we don't even enjoy the same hobbies. So why bother.