He is nearing the end

[vla1120]

His cancer treatment options have been exhausted. After this last scan earlier this month, his doctor told him there are really no more treatment options other than to make him comfortable. I know these things because his doctors still contact me even though there has not been direct contact with him since just after Thanksgiving when I told him that, while I will help him in whatever way I can, it is clear that we cannot maintain a relationship as he is emotionally abusive (diagnosed narcissist) and I no longer agree to be his victim. I did call him today, when I learned that he was stopping all treatment, to let him know he can call me if he needs help transitioning to hospice care, etc., since English is his second language and the health benefits are mine. He is still angry at me for “abandoning” him and yet he takes no responsibility for the role he played (I stayed much longer than most in my position would have stayed.)

 

So now, I have been sitting in my thoughts all day, feeling sympathy for him along with some guilt, because I still feel no one should be alone at the end of their life when they are losing a battle with cancer. I keep reminding myself I would still be there (even if it was a living hell) except that he discussed buying a gun and shooting me if I did not announce myself coming home from work. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. He is alone because of his own abusive behavior. How does someone not realize his own behavior is abusive and pushes people away from him? Wouldn’t someone in his position be able to make the connection that “If I am respectful and nice to this person, they will remain by my side.” And he NEEDS someone by his side right now.

 

But, even today when I called, instead of treating me cordially, I was met with ridicule and criticism. He is not a stupid man. Why can’t he make a small change in his behavior to make it a little easier for himself near the end? My therapist is worried for my safety and does not think I should have any contact with him because he has made inappropriate comments and veiled threats. Part of me does not think he would hurt me. The other part of me stays alert and aware of my surroundings because there are times he scares me. I gues i am not really looking for answers because I know I should not feel guilty. Maybe I wish someone could tell me there is a way to convince him to alter his behavior, treat me with respect, and don’t make me feel like there is danger if I maintain contact because I am trying to make things easier for him because I am sympathetic about his situation - and there is a part of me that still cares (or maybe that is just the overly empathetic part of me.)

[d0nnivain]

You are doing what you can. He is making choices. They are bad choices but they remain his.

 

If you are religious, pray for him but at this point given the threats you are best staying away.

[stillafool]

I agree just pray for his soul. If he has such an extreme reaction to you I would stay away. It is better that he rest and stay calm.

[Geraltt]

These sorts of situations are relatively common when one approaches the end.

 

I spent some time volunteering in a hospice and saw this happen numerous times. Patients would often alienate family members and close friends near the end.

 

It's not about you. He's probably in pain, bewildered due the meds and probably realizing what a jerk he's been for much of his life.

 

If he's religious, he's probably terrified of what awaits him after death. (Alas, there is nothing after death so he's off the hook as far as that goes.)

 

Yes, he should have someone with him in his final moments. But at the same time, you do not have to suffer his abuse. He's not going to change now, so you have a choice: tolerate his crap, or not.

 

He's clearly made his choice. Now, you make yours.

[FMW]

You have to take care of yourself. Even if you don't think he would actually hurt you, please don't take chances.

 

Your guilt is normal and a testament to your having been a good wife. Emotionally healthy people feel an obligation to someone they took vows with, even if their partner broke the vows. I understand that guilt even if most would say it's misplaced. It's just the reality.

 

This has been a really difficult experience. I hope his remaining time is peaceful, for both of your sakes. Do what your conscious tells you to do, but don't put yourself at risk.

[vla1120]

Since I posted this last January, I've been helping him off and on. It's a vicious cycle that repeats itself about every 6-8 weeks (usually when he says something abusive that makes me withdraw.)

 

I would go over and help him shop, clean, cook for the week, and just spend time with him so he is not alone all the time with the understanding that if he takes my kindness for granted or becomes verbally abusive, I will stop.

 

I had posted that they were going to stop treatment (which is what he told me in January.) However, his oncologist did start a new chemotherapy "cocktail." He's taking Lenvima and Afinitor together and has been since about February. He was still working part time, as well. Over the summer, I spent some time with him, but then in July, he got angry with me because I would not go with him to Greece to visit his family. (He told his family that I "abandoned" him! How was he going to explain me showing up with him!?)

 

I got a text from him Saturday at about 10:30pm that he was very weak and might need to go to the ER. I had not heard from him since July or August, so I knew it was serious. I drove to his apartment and let myself in. I called out to him (remember that time he had told me if I don't announce myself when I come in, he may need to buy a gun and shoot me??!!) but he did not answer. I went into his bedroom. I literally thought he had passed away. His eyes were open, but he was staring into the distance. His skin was ashen gray. He was literally skin and bones (he now weighs 110 and his is 6 ft tall.)

 

He said I should not have come because he didn't want to to go the ER until tomorrow. I told him he had a choice. Either I would call 911 and they could come and take him to the nearest hospital, or I would take him to HIS hospital where he gets his cancer treatment. He let me take him. They said he probably would not have made it through the weekend. His liver and remaining kidney were going into failure because of severe dehydration. They kept him for two days. The night we went in, they were talking about hospice care. I thought "Finally! I've been trying to talk to his doctors about hospice care for months!" but they always tell me it is up to him. The martyr that he is, he refuses to go into hospice care. In fact, they sent him home yesterday with an appt to see his oncologist this Thursday. He expects her to give him authorization to go back to work!!!

 

I told him I will take him to his CT Scan tomorrow, and his oncology appt on Thursday. He's home now. I've texted to check in on him. He's already back to being too tired to get out of bed. I guess we will see what the CT Scan says. If the cancer is proceeding, I don't know how she can give him an authorization to go back to work. Also, they stopped his chemo treatment to let his body recover a bit (since that is what is causing him not to retain any of the nutrients he does eat.)

 

There really isn't a question in here. It was more of a vent. However, I do wonder what to do from here. I did get a call from a nurse advocate (a benefit available through my work) that got news of his admission to the hospital and offered her help. I am going to call her. I have talked to them before. The issue is that he refuses the help! He will not let them go to the doctor with him, nor will he allow them to advocate for him with the social worker!

 

I am going to call her now and ask her advice about what to do from here. She already knows we are estranged and don't live together. She knows he's been abusive and made physical threats toward me. She believes it is all manipulative - just like he's being manipulative right now, asking me to come after work and sit with him. No. It's not my fault you have no one else in your life you can depend upon.

 

In some previous post (I don't even remember when), I had posed a question about going out to dinner with a guy who asked me out. HA! That happened one time (twice, if you count meeting up at a bar to watch the game on Sunday.) I cannot do it. While I do not feel guilty about leaving him, I do feel guilty spending time with another man. This whole situation has an adverse affect on my health, as well. My blood pressure is usually around 100/60. Lately, it has been 140/110 or even higher. Oh hell. Now I'm just ranting.

 

If you read this far, thanks. I know what I need to do. I joined a gym about two weeks ago. Because of my schedule, I haven't even made it to finish signing up! I need to STOP making excuses and get to the gym for the kick boxing classes I want to take. It will take down my blood pressure and relieve my stress (and I get to kick and punch something.....)

[FMW]

I hope posting here helps you cope with things. You've done more than most would do for him and I hope when his time comes you will find peace and be able to move forward to a happier life for yourself with no regrets.