TurntSloth1 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Or did you ever? I'm genuinely curious. It's been about 7 months NC for me now, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I think she'll always have a spot in my heart and I just have to accept that. Admittedly, 7 months isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things so I could easily be very wrong, who knows... which is why I wanted to start this thread and hear other people's stories. I've lied to myself daily and told myself that I'm over the whole thing, but if I'm honest, I'm so not. Sure I'm moving on in all the right ways and I feel better about it, but I still think about her pretty much daily and it makes me sad every time. Does anyone have that one person that, despite moving on, healing, maybe even meeting someone else and being happy, they'll always tug on your heartstrings when you remember them and wonder what could have been? Or did you get to the point where you truly stopped caring? Do you know when it happened if so? How long ago was it? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 It varied. Just keep up with the positive self talk about it being over & you moving forward. It's OK to fondly remember the good times as long as you know you aren't going to make new memories with the EX Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I think you can take a look at the Ugh NC never gets any easier thread. It won’t give you a direct answer but would give you the feelings of some of people going through breakups. Link to post Share on other sites
Endnote Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I have talked about it in other threads, but when I started my divorce a little over 8 years ago, it was nearly a year later that I finally came to a point where I could wake up in the morning and feel good about life again (though I did feel generally less anxious and depressed between the 4-6 month mark of NC) and hold a large degree of indifference to what I went through. In reference to my current breakup, I feel like it's going to take longer partially because the breakup occurred after 7 years together as opposed to my previous 3.5 year relationship. The ambiguous end to the relationship hasn't helped either. I'm 4.5 months in now and have been in NC since day 1. I don't know anything, not a thing about what my ex has going and I'd prefer to keep it that way, obviously that doesn't change much in terms of how I feel but it has made things easier in terms of moving on. Now I just want to get to the point where I no longer fantasize about reconciliation and I truly move on. When I hit the six month mark I'm hoping I'm much closer to where I want to be, though realistically the year mark seems much more accurate after the amount of time and energy I put into this last relationship. Here's to recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 It really depends how deeply you loved her and if you've found someone better. The only woman I feel I ever truly loved left 2.5ish years ago. Much like the above poster, it was 7 years and no clear reason as to why. For months I could barely function. It was about a year when I didn’t feel miserable every day. Just now (like in the past few days) something seems to be changing in me as if my desire for her is slipping away. Good riddance. It basically it takes much longer than you think it should and there is no reward or fanfare when you are ultimately over her. You just realize one day that you haven’t thought about her in a while and you are completely apathetic towards her. Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I think that I'm not totally over most of my break ups. I guess it depends on what you mean by "over". I've had three big breakups in my life: The first one was from the first person I ever loved. We met when I was in high school and were in each other's lives for about 12 years -- he was my best friend. That one I still feel sad about sometimes. But I think that has to do with some things about the relationship as much as the person. He was very, very good to me and sometimes I feel sad that I haven't found another man that loved me the way he did. It was just really innocent and you can only have that kind of relationship with your first love. So I think I miss that a lot. I still have the letters he wrote me (actual letters!!) when we first started dating. I haven't spoken to him in about 10 years, but I still think about him from time to time (probably a few times a week). But I also feel like it's ok that he went his way and I went mine. Like you said, he holds a little piece of my heart and I think he always will. I've always hoped we could be in each other's lives again someday, even just as friends. I think of it as I can still love him, just from afar. The second one was with an abusive and toxic man. That was a protracted and painful breakup and my self esteem was really destroyed. That took a really long time to work through. I think it was about 6 months before I started to feel better, just in the sense of being able to see the bad things in the relationship and to appreciate the peace of him not being in my life. It took me years to get over my anger towards him. We haven't spoken in over 8 years and to this day I would run the other way if I saw him walking down the street. But I still think about him a lot. Not in the sense of missing him. More like, thank God I'm out of that situation. And I think he left a lot of scars, so that comes up a lot. With my most recent breakup, I'm at almost 12 weeks NC and I am just starting to feel better. I still think about him every day and many times a day. But I'm starting to feel less anxious about it all. I think maybe I'm starting to accept everything? You definitely do feel better as time goes by, but it's not linear. I find there are big jumps. The first immediate time period, I think I actually felt kind of numb, which was not a bad feeling. The anger and hurt were like an adrenaline rush or something. I felt good during that time because I was fired up about NC. Once that faded, it was replaced with an emptiness and sadness, which was the worst. I've been in that with this current break up for a while. Some days I would feel ok and then for no real reason just slide backwards and find myself sitting on my couch crying. Recently, I've found I have been feeling better. It's more like my average mood has improved. Still up and down, but overall better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow2 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 It took me about one year from being barely alive to feeling positive for the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TurntSloth1 Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 It really does vary so much from person to person from the sounds of it - of course it's expected but it's crazy - feelings eh?! Nice to hear that everyone seems to be doing better now though after time has passed. I really look forward to a time when the thought of her doesn't make me sad/when I don't think of her at all. One way or another it feels like despite everything else going on in my life I've barely had anything else on my mind since the day we met... Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 (edited) Hey TurntSloth1, I have a soft spot for all my exes just like you mentioned you seem to have one with yours. Some of them I've moved on from in which I know if I saw them, it wouldn't hurt or affect me. I'd simply be happy for them genuinely. Then there are others, which I've only moved passed from, but haven't moved on from yet..I know only this because I know if I ever saw them again, it'd hurt me. Moving passed and moving on are different in my books. Just like the others have said, the length of time it takes can vary because it depends on a variety of factors. Factors like how committed you really were or the length of the relationship. Things like regret or hope to reconcile with an ex, or continued contact after the break up such as trying to be "friends" will all prolong the time it takes to heal. Death of partner or them ghosting us will definitely contribute. Then there's personal factors such as the relationship experience carry, your age and stage of life that you're currently in, the amount of baggage you carry going into the relationship, the people you've surrounded yourself with and your environment. Took on average in all my adult relationships about 8-10 months to start feeling some noticeable improvements ( ex. Being able to have a genuinely good time with friends/family or actually getting through a day without thinking about the ex. Feeling noticeably lighter and sleeping better. Noticing other women again.) Took about 1.5 to 2 years in general to feel emotionally ready to take on another relationship along with the risk of another heartbreak. A broken heart is a slow heal. Letting go of hope was always the hardest part of grieving for me. Often times, it took blunt force trauma to do it. Things like seeing your ex with someone new or that hearing that they got married or moved away for example. If not that, then it a considerable amount of time. Half a year, maybe several years. The kind of time that people would judge you for. Edited January 15, 2019 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Borntoelevate Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 The shorted I’ve heard of is 2 weeks. The longest I’ve heard is 8 years. What I question is what did these people define “moving on” as. Link to post Share on other sites
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