I am drained! THis cannot be healthy? Is it ok to leave someone you still love?

[smile95]

A lot of you know my story and I appreciate all of your help. Overall, I have decided after doing NC, trying to work things out, trying friends, etc etc etc, it finally comes down to this......I love this man. He loves me....BUT....in his life right now, he is making no effort to make me happy or to fit me in(and believe me, I do not ask for much-a call once a week does not cut it for me when we are LD). He will not budge and takes me for granted. I do not want to have to ask for a call/visit. He claims to love me and miss me, yet, he will not follow thru with actions and his crazy job seems to be #1 right now. That part will never change.

 

I want to move on and fall in love again. I was wondering if anyone has has left someone that they loved, but for some reason it just could not work at the time(Whether it be distance, married, work, etc) and you moved on. We have a great connection, but I am tired of doing all of the work and holding onto memories? I love him and my heart is breaking, but I can only take so much, ya know? He does not do any work with me anymore since he "has " me and knows I never leave. I have to now. I have to walk away. I am not happy and it is VERY VERY draining to wait on his calls and everythingon his terms. Is it ok to let go if I still love him? HE does not yell at me or hit me or anyhting, but he hurts my feelings and seems to play with my head a little. he cannot even make time to call/email/text me everyday. He works a lot and actaully he does not even make time for his son either?

 

I guess what I am asking is, if I have done all I can(it has been 3 yrs-2.5 of which has been one sided) is it ok to let go even if I want to be with him. I feel I am getting more hurt by staying. The part I cannot process is "If I love him, do I stick it out?" THe other part I do not get is why is his job more imp than me! if I should stay and try or suck it up, what other approach do I take? Just back off and let him be?

 

I know that he loves me, but in his own way. A way that I may not be ok with. I just feel like thiings iwll never change and if I know this now, should I just go before I spend 4 yrs feeling this way? I cannot talk to him about this stuff. He just says we are fine and I am overreacting.

 

I guess I just need to be reassured that it is ok to leave someone you love if you feel you have done all you can and they still make no effor tto work with you or make you happy. I guess it is ok to break up without a certain issue to break up over? right? Just the fact that I cry mor than I smoe shouldbe enough? Do I tell him or just pull away? Seems like when I pull away he tries more. When I am all loving toward him, he is no where to be found? MEN?

[butterfly29]

Honey,

 

If you're not happy with the way relationship is, leave it. It's normal to be attached to people and sad to let the ones you love go, but true companionship can't survive on love alone. There are needs that people have and should ask for. And if you can't get what you need or ask for it, continuing to settle for less than what you're worth will only make you more and more unhappy.

 

Think about what we do with friends. Friends are a bit different, we love them but we aren't as attached to them. They have criteria too and if they start pushing our buttons or ignore us, or not call us, we break up the friendship. We leave friends only because it's a lot easier than to leave lovers.

[smile95]

my friends would never even treat me this way. It saddens me to let go, but I know that in my heart and head this is best. I am to the point where I have to lie to friends and family now becasue they hate what he does to me and do not even know we still talk. That is draining too. Everything is just so hard anymore. I talked to him today(1st time since last fri aside from a text that said he loved me on tues) He was tired and just saying how crazy work was and that he had 400 emails to look at and blah! Not one question about me or my week or my dr appt. It almost is like I am losing here. I am trying so hard and no matter what I do, he never thinks about me, but surely has no problem telling me he loves me! I guess this is rejection in a way. I want to let go. I just hope that one day I will not regret this. I hope I can love again and feel the same w/ someone else. maybe it will be better than this and I will not hav to beg for affection/attention?

[Samantha2005]

Has this man ever made a commitment to you in the four years you've been together?

 

I think four years is definitely long enough for two people to know where they stand with each other, and if you still don't know the answer to that question, then you need to let it go.

 

As butterfly said, we all have criteria for friendship. Of course we should for lovers, too. You could make one last attempt, before letting it go. You could write this man or tell him face to face (I'd write it ) that it's been long enough and, no, you arent just imagining things and, no, everything is NOT alright.

 

Tell him that he's had long enough to know and you're facing a difficult decision, so either he will make that commitment to you now or you will have to be on your way.

 

That's just a suggestion, but at this point, you really don't have alot to lose. Good luck !!

[smile95]

Well, I would have to write it since we are LD. According to him, we are "together", but it sure does not feel like it! Another obstacle is that he is going thru a divorce and child custody and his work is crazy so I am not a priority right now I guess. He has told me in the past that he will just come for me when everything is settled since he cannot give me what i need and deserve, but then we started talking agian and things went back to this crap and here I sit waiting and miserable and alone. All along I made the mistake of never asking questions or pushing him and now I am paying for it. If I write a letter, it will be my good bye letter to him. I have written my feelings before to him and he either made a joke out of it or ignored it. nice huh?

[Samantha2005]

He has told me in the past that he will just come for me when everything is settled since he cannot give me what i need and deserve, but then we started talking agian and things went back to this crap and here I sit waiting and miserable and alone.

 

All of that being the case I surely would not waste anymore time with this guy. I may not even waste the paper to write the goodbye letter !!

 

I'm sure you'll be able to find someone else, just be selective this time and let them know early on that you have certain criteria for any future relationships. Really talk to them and get to know them and watch for inconsistencies in things they do and say and if things don't add up then dont discuss it just leave !!

 

That's the strategy I've been using and I can tell you I've been alot happier this way than before. It's nice to feel in control of yourself and situations that affect your life.

[smile95]

THanks. Maybe I need to let this go. Iguess the amount of time invested is hard to let go of too. And the fact that I know we love each other. By doing it instead of waiting on him to do it, I may feel better by taking control.

 

I have said this before, but heck, the next guyjust needs to call me more than 2x a week and he already is making more of an effort and that should not be too hard to find!!!lol

 

So you think if I just work on me and not even let him know anything, I could pull away and be ok?

 

A girl told me today that people who get divorced still love that person, but other things happen that they just cannot live with and that I can love him but know that he is not right for me. I tried to pull away once and he freaked and pured on the love. I fell for it and then the same cycle started. I am going to stop this now. I am just not happy and he is making no effort. Not that the things in his life now are excuses, but he does have a lot. That will never change and it will never be ok for me to be last on his list. I guess it is normal to think that the one you loved was "the one". I am reading a book on letting go and it will be a lot easier for me if I do this instead of letting him break up with me one day.

[lindya]

Originally posted by beth5201

It saddens me to let go, but I know that in my heart and head this is best.

 

I'm pretty sure your head knows it, and your instincts too... but I seriously doubt that your heart does. Hearts are crap at figuring anything out in a rational way. All they care about is getting daily fixes of romantic drama from whatever source it is they've become addicted to.

 

You need to be brutal with your heart right now, because it's doing you absolutely no favours. As long as you allow it to have any sort of say in the decision-making process, it's going to carry on feeding you all sorts of fantasies and illusions to keep you hooked on this guy.

 

It's not your friend right now. Lock that damned thing in quarantine, a drying-out clinic - whatever you want to call it - and let your head and instincts lead you out of this unsatisfying situation. Once you've recovered from this and found a suitable replacement, your heart can come back out and start enjoying itself again.

[smile95]

So true about your heart.

 

I guess the fact that I am not a quitter also makes it hard for me to let go. Iwant to make sure I can walk away knowing I tried all I could. I really have tried it all! Being understanding being strong being rude being stand offish...nothing changes and if it does, it lasts a day or two. I just think, if he loves me did I really let him take me THAT for granted that he knows I will never leave? What will he do when I really do??? Why did I let all of the stuff that bothered me get to this point without addressing it. Well, if I did address it, it went unnoticed. It is just hard. I have a lot of great memories with him that I cannot forget.

[lindya]

Originally posted by beth5201

 

It is just hard. I have a lot of great memories with him that I cannot forget.

 

Into the quarantine they go. You must be ruthless, Beth. All these things can be remembered with fond nostalgia at some point in the future, but right now they're holding you back from any real happiness.

[Samantha2005]

I can love him but know that he is not right for me

 

That's exactly right !! You can really love or care for someone yet know they arent right for you. Sometimes that happens sooner in a relationship and sometimes later. With some people it happens after 25/30 years !! That would really be horrible.

 

I've learned that I dont have to be afraid to have requirements and I've also learned that if you can see a relationship is not working it's ok to leave and still like the person.

 

If you stay when you know it's not right... they'll only try to convince you that what you know in your heart is not the truth !! So there's really no sense in arguing the point with them.

 

Just be observant in your future dating and if two and two dont add up, you can try counting a few more times (as in staying in the relationship just a little bit longer) and if it still doesnt add up, it's really best just to move on without alot of discussion.

 

I want to give you a quick examples of one I had lately:

 

1. Guy works in software, very bright, great communicator... he loves to talk and I love talking to him !! I told him he could call me last Sunday and we could talk for awhile (he's in another state). But Saturday night, I didnt sleep well at all and Sunday woke up with a headache. I sent him an email (out of courtesy) to tell him that I'd had a bad night and today just would not be a good day... we can talk later.

 

Next day he messaged me when i came online and he seemed as if he would be okay with what had happened, but all of a sudden, he just got very nasty with me, making derogatory remarks about me not meeting him for the phone call as we'd planned

 

Well, I decided right then.... I saw verbal abuse out of my father, my ex-husband, and a few bf's and I know one thing for certain, if they verbally abuse you now (or physically abuse you) they will ALWAYS do it.

 

I clicked out of the message box. No discussions, no excuses. I just left.

 

That was Monday and this is Friday. He's been waiting for me on messenger every night. Do I like this man ? Yes !!! Does he have alot of great qualities I like ? Yes !! But in light of that brief revelation I experienced on Monday, I would have to be a fool to go back and get involved with him !!

 

So, I'll let it go, and this time with LITTLE time lost and I will move onto the next one and be equally as cautious and will continue to do so until I've found the right mate, and if I never do then I guess I'll just have to live it out.

 

But, having your self respect is worth so much more than suffering through a relationships that may ulitmately go no where.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by beth5201

He loves me....BUT....in his life right now, he is making no effort to make me happy or to fit me in

 

This statement contradicts itself Beth .

 

If he loves you he WOULD make the effort to make you happy and fit you in. I know he says he loves you, but you really need to look at his actions and not his words.

 

Do you really want to be with someone that cannot give you what you are looking for ?

 

He is telling you he loves you to keep you hooked so he can suck you back in anytime he wants.

 

Do not let him continue to do this to you .. Do NC FOREVER and get on with the rest of your life ..

[smile95]

I have lost my self respect, otherwise, I would never let him walk all over me. I know that I will see red flags with the next guy and NOT ignore them or think I can change them. I cannot. Everytime I think of a good memory, I try and make myself see that was so long ago and not him anymore. It is like I am in love with the memories and not even who he is now. I am living in this fantasy of who we used to be? I have been thru physical abuse in the past(never again) verbal abuse(never again) and now I feel emotional abuse and I sweat there is nothing left! I am going to be one picky chick from now on! I wonder what it is about me that attracts these men that take advantage of me? Am I too naive? Too nice? Too forgiving? I am just going to not even tell him what is going on in my head anymore since it never helps. I am going to work on me. My life is not going to change much since we are LD and I never see him(last time was jan). My life will be the same excpet i will not be waiting on his call(or lack there of). I live off my dreams of him and I need to remove HIS face from these dreams now. tanks everyone. I appreciate your help. SOmetimes I can talk myself into staying eventho Iknow it is wrong and hearing all of you gives me hope and confirms that I am not just leaving with not thinkin git thru.

[smile95]

He is telling you he loves you to keep you hooked so he can suck you back in anytime he wants.

 

so true......I think that thing I need to do to get ovet the hump is accpet that he may not love me and that is tough to do. I know that will be the hardest thing. WhenI am with him, there is not a doubt in my mind that he loves me, but the prob is...I am never with him....all broken promises of visits and vacations...I get so excited and then let down over and over. If he does love me, I am not sure his definition matches mine. He may think he loves me. If he does not love me, what in the WORLS is HE getting out of this for 3 yrs....just someone to boost his ego I guess.

[Samantha2005]

I think alot of women feel like they're the only ones and they think... "I wonder what it is about me that attracts these men that take advantage of me? "

 

But it's not only you, or me, but just about any woman out there attract them because there are ALOT of them out there. I think the difference comes in whether or not we let them manipulate us.

 

Just keep working on yourself and really evaluate those relatioships in the future.

[Rosalind]

It's all just words, beth .....

 

A man in love does not behave that way.

[Selkie]

Originally posted by beth5201

I know that he loves me, but in his own way

 

No Beth, he DOES NOT love you.

If he loved you his actions would back up his words.

"Actions speak louder than words"

If he loved you he would move where you are or ask you to move where he is.

And you say he says he's busy but cares about you.

A man could work 20 hours a day but if he really digs you and loves you madly he'll make time.

Since you're LD you only have half the picture of who this man REALLY is at heart.

And since he has kept things LD, he wants his life seperate.

Please, please, please got take a fun vaca with girlfriends and distract yourself with other diversions.

 

 

PAX

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by Selkie

No Beth, he DOES NOT love you.

If he loved you his actions would back up his words.

"Actions speak louder than words"

If he loved you he would move where you are or ask you to move where he is.

And you say he says he's busy but cares about you.

A man could work 20 hours a day but if he really digs you and loves you madly he'll make time.

Since you're LD you only have half the picture of who this man REALLY is at heart.

And since he has kept things LD, he wants his life seperate.

Please, please, please got take a fun vaca with girlfriends and distract yourself with other diversions.

 

 

PAX

 

I agree with pax

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by butterfly29

Honey,

 

If you're not happy with the way relationship is, leave it. It's normal to be attached to people and sad to let the ones you love go, but true companionship can't survive on love alone. There are needs that people have and should ask for. And if you can't get what you need or ask for it, continuing to settle for less than what you're worth will only make you more and more unhappy.

 

Think about what we do with friends. Friends are a bit different, we love them but we aren't as attached to them. They have criteria too and if they start pushing our buttons or ignore us, or not call us, we break up the friendship. We leave friends only because it's a lot easier than to leave lovers.

 

Great reply butterfly!

 

Don't settle for anybody, even if it hurts you. Listen to your gut. Seems you know something isn't right and no matter how much you love him, you do what is right for YOU.

 

Hang in there and read no foolin's thread, I just bumped it up to the first page.

[outdated]

Beth honey, please let this go. You're killing yourself. I know it's hard but accept it. He doesn't love you, and if he did, is this the kind of sh*t you want to put yourself through? This is becoming unhealthy. Really. All your posts are keeping you in this mindset. Step away. Do something for yourself. Please, you're doing more harm to yourself then is necessary. This guy is a doucebag. There are guys out there that aren't. Let it go and find one that isn't. There is no reason to harp on this anymore. Believe me, I know you're hurting, but it's time to take your life back. Pronto.

[smile95]

We are LD cause he does not want to leave his son and in his state, until you are offically divorced, you cannot even date. Unless agreed upon with the spuouse. So stupid me has been waiting for 3 yrs now and he is still just sep. He makes a lot of money and she is after it all and they are not agreeing on anything...

 

It is funny......when I met him, I read the sep papers and it talked about emotional abuse.....I can totally see this now...at the time, i thought "WHAT? NEVER" She has a protective order against him too, so I guess these may be red flags???

 

How could it be then when I am with him, I feel that he DOES love me and I can see it in the way he treats me and looks at me? (Just not when we are apart). I am having a hard time accepting that he does not love me. I know that his actions do not show it. Maybe I do not even know what love is? I know that I thought I loved him? Maybe when I am in love, I will look back and see that this was not it.

 

So do I just walk away knowing that I can deserve better? I mean, the things I am asking for (daily call, maybe a text, a gift for my b-day, vday, xmas-even if just a freaking e-card, concern for me or my family, concern for me after a dr appt) is not too much to ask in a guy?

 

My plan is to cry it allout for 1 day(that is ALL) walk away and not tell him(he prob will not even notice for a while) and realize that he really is all in my head and nothing like I thought or dreamed. I know that it is time. It is hard after 3 yrs though. If Iwere to tell him,. he would just try and convince me that we are fine and he loves me and will get here to see me and then I fall for it all. So it is best I just slowly go I think. Thanks guys. It is hurtful to read some of the replies, but all very true. I have to start opening my eyes to waht other people see. I truly do think he loved me. But maybeone day I will see differently.

[pippen_2k]

Yep outdated is right beth.

 

Ive been following your posts for a while now, and your just torturing yourself!

 

Let him go... as hard as it is, you just have to. Hell, I still love my ex but im no longer chasing or trying to keep contact anymore.. pointless trying to if you get nothing in return.

 

So yeah, even tho u love him you have to give it away now, its not healthy and no one deserves to feel like crap for so long...

 

Its not easy... but you know deep down inside its for the best.

[smile95]

So then you all agree, I do not have to hate him...I just have toget him out of my life? I cannot hate anyone. Iam hoping that when I get away, Iwill notice that I am happier. I hope! I also hope that my feelings will fade and memories too. I am living off of hope and that is false hope.

[pippen_2k]

You really cant ask someone else if you should hate him or not... you either do or you dont... but it doesnt matter anymore, cause he isnt part of your life anymore.

 

It sucks and its hard to let go, but its better than settling for the scraps he is giving you now.

 

The memories wont go away in a hurry and either will the urges to contact him, but you gotta do whats best for you NOW, and thats to stop hurting.

 

You know perfectly well that keeping in touch with him does you no good, and surely your getting tired of feeling so down...

 

I just decided one day to stop persuing my ex... cause really..whats the point... You should do the same Beth, cause Life sux ass feeling like this..

[smile95]

I will never stop loving him

 

I do have to go though. I feel am I addicted to the drama and the high from when he DOES call. I am reading a book on letting go, but I am not sure how muchit will help. I know it is not good to jump to another relationship, but maybe that is what i need tosee that this is not how men should treat you.