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I'm in limbo, hurt and I have no idea what's happening


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 8th June 2018, 1:20 AM   #1
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I'm in limbo, hurt and I have no idea what's happening

This is long... partially because I'm venting, partially because I have no idea what the heck is wrong with me. I'm in this situation where I know I shouldn't be hurt but I am.

Late 20s, met a man on Tinder a year ago. Very polite, he basically told me what I should expect from the get go - he travels A LOT, was married young but has divorced because he thinks there's more to do in life, and has made lots of 'friends' on Tinder. Back then I was at a place in my life where this sounded IDEAL - I left a bad relationship 2 years ago and ran away from commitment as far as possible - I wanted fun, but not the one night stands, respectful fun. That's why we had a great one-year affair full with intimacy and the creme-de-la-creme of relations between a man and a woman - dates, travelling, etc. He was my ideal match.

BUT. Maybe we started mismatching when I fell in love. I don't know, can't say I know what love is, but I felt this extreme sadness every time he mentioned any of his women 'friends'. Somehow out of the blue, I wanted to be his special someone. Also, he never minded me tagging him on social media, but never really liked our pics - just responded if someone of his friends commented on it. That seemed quite cold, one because he always likes when his friends tag him, and two because when we were together, he acted as if I'm his girl.

Then came the blow - his job relocated him to another continent. It was sad, we both did some crying, he seemed to be crushing on me and we spent some 'last' time together wallowing in sheets and memories. Then he left and well, this is where the weirdness begins for me.

I thought we'd grown closer than just some FWB (we've never discussed being that, but seems we were). I thought he'd miss me a bit at least, but he seems perfectly happy now, a week later. I feel broken.

I have no idea how to act now. We used to talk almost everyday, videochat, watch movies together online etc. Now we talk once a week maybe. He is completely friendly (seems I've been moved to the 'lots of friends from Tinder' zone) but I just... don't know if I should be happy to have him around or angry that all of our wonderful memories seem to be completely wiped away as a casual memory, meaningless and unimportant in any way.

Yesterday he wrote to tell me how good of a week he had. Like, updating me on himself and not really taking curiosity on how I'm dealing with stuff. I'm hurt and confused, I feel stupid, angry, even played.

Don't know if I should be offended I'm just a friend now, or should I just be a cool person and a good friend? I'm having a hard time accepting that all we went through was maybe just a blip of nothing. I even considered writing this to him, but... what's the point in being a whiny has-been fwb? We're not gonna see each other in a loooooooong time anyways. He's probably gonna make a life over there. And I keep asking myself, what did I expect from a divorced travel-addict with lots of friends from Tinder, anyways? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???
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Old 8th June 2018, 9:32 AM   #2
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You don't have a right to be angry at him and I would certainly advise against sending him any kind of communication indicating your displeasure.

He was honest and upfront with you from the beginning and you knew what the terms were with your interactions. You can't change them just because you suddenly caught feelings -- in that sense you should have made a quick exit, especially when you knew things weren't changing.

When we get into these types of situations, we think that we can change a man. We think he's going to see how great things are and we will become the exception to the rule. Most times, that is not the case especially when a man is telling you right off the bat as to what his expectations are -- yours changed and he is not responsible for it. The thing is, you've always been a "fun friend" -- you were never his girlfriend.

If contact hurts you, you need to go no contact. You can explain to him as to why you need to sever ties and move on from this. Staying in contact is only going to consistently dig at your wounds.
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Old 8th June 2018, 1:41 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Zahara View Post
You don't have a right to be angry at him and I would certainly advise against sending him any kind of communication indicating your displeasure.

He was honest and upfront with you from the beginning and you knew what the terms were with your interactions. You can't change them just because you suddenly caught feelings -- in that sense you should have made a quick exit, especially when you knew things weren't changing.

When we get into these types of situations, we think that we can change a man. We think he's going to see how great things are and we will become the exception to the rule. Most times, that is not the case especially when a man is telling you right off the bat as to what his expectations are -- yours changed and he is not responsible for it. The thing is, you've always been a "fun friend" -- you were never his girlfriend.

If contact hurts you, you need to go no contact. You can explain to him as to why you need to sever ties and move on from this. Staying in contact is only going to consistently dig at your wounds.

I know I shouldn't be angry at him, that's why I posted in coping... I just have no idea how to act now. Somehow I don't want to severe ties, but I don't want to be a doormat either.

I have a history of "sticking around as a friend until the guy wants a relationship" and oddly enough it has worked both times... but in this case I'm worried he will think I'm pathetic for doing so. Like, he's had his fun, now he's over there building a life, and I'm the maiden sitting on the shore, waiting for him to maybe return. I cringe just thinking about it.

Maybe I should just wait it out, do nothing...


Edit: on a side note, we did discuss being an item. Once he told me "I never go out so much with women I wouldn't date" and that he'd actually considered moving to my country because of me, but he waited for this current offer for years and eventually picked that (which I completely support). Of course, who knows if that's true. But still...

Last edited by Roadrunner234; 8th June 2018 at 1:57 PM..
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Old 8th June 2018, 3:10 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Roadrunner234 View Post

I have a history of "sticking around as a friend until the guy wants a relationship" and oddly enough it has worked both times... but in this case I'm worried he will think I'm pathetic for doing so. Like, he's had his fun, now he's over there building a life, and I'm the maiden sitting on the shore, waiting for him to maybe return. I cringe just thinking about it.
Please have more respect for yourself than to just "stick around" hoping a guy will want a relationship with you. You should only entertain men who are pursuing you for a relationship. Otherwise it sounds like if they can't find anyone else - there's always you. Not good.
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Old 8th June 2018, 3:42 PM   #5
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I don't think acting is going to be of benefit to you but to only hurt you. You can remain in contact if you want to but understand that there will be pain attached to it. You can't have it both ways.

I would suggest you move on. He's in on another continent and likely dating other women and having a good times. Don't sit around and wait for him. You both had a great time and he had more than enough opportunity to realize your value and he didn't do anything to hold onto you.

One more thing, trust action not words.

Last edited by Zahara; 8th June 2018 at 3:52 PM..
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Old 9th June 2018, 10:50 AM   #6
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I'm sorry for your pain OP. This will get better for you.

As you accurately pointed out, at the time, monogomy wasn't what either of you wanted so it worked out. When you developed feelings, it became one sided. That's when it also became toxic for you.

His stance hasn't changed from the time you two laid out the terms in the beginning. He still wants the same things. He still wants to be free, living his life. And although you two shared special moments, the reality always was that you were never THE girl because he had other girls in his life from the beginning. By not establishing boundaries in favor of an open relationship, he could do anything he wanted, when he wanted, absolved of responsibility. If you were to get upset for anything, he could just say you two weren't official and be in the right.

Unfortunately, this is what you agreed to and that's the problem with a no strings attached type situation. Someone almost always ends up developing feelings. I know it hurts.

For a little insight, I believe deep down inside you always wanted a commitment with someone but you just needed time heal your wounds. You were at a point where you were ready to date. You weren't ready to feel the pressure of a relationship so you agreed to no strings attached FWB to help transition into something like a relationship without all the extra. By testing the waters, you discovered he turned out to be what you were looking for (Largely because he was unavailable and challenging and not needy) and so, what you wanted all along hit you smack in the face. A Committment. It just so happens you were seeking it with an unavailable man.

In summary, time showed that you two wanted different things. Now you know. Being this has become toxic for you, your priority is reestablish your well-being. I would cut this guy loose, give yourself space, get busy and learn how to be happy again without him. It'll be like getting over a breakup.

Stay strong.

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Last edited by Beachead; 9th June 2018 at 11:16 AM..
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Old 9th June 2018, 11:59 AM   #7
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Thanks, guys. I think I've begun to heal a bit, and everything you said, although it stung a bit, helped me look at things in a sober way. I had something in my life in the way in the beginning, and it kept my feelings in check. When that thing was gone, the flood of feelings swept in and changed the scenery for me. I was depraved from feeling love for a long time. Who knows, maybe it would've happened with anyone close to me at that time, and it just happened to be him.

My only consolation is that no matter if I developed strong feelings or not, the end was gonna be the same - he would've left for the other country either way. All of this just put some extra nights feeling blue, but I guess that's that.
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Old 9th June 2018, 12:38 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Roadrunner234 View Post
Thanks, guys. I think I've begun to heal a bit, and everything you said, although it stung a bit, helped me look at things in a sober way. I had something in my life in the way in the beginning, and it kept my feelings in check. When that thing was gone, the flood of feelings swept in and changed the scenery for me. I was depraved from feeling love for a long time. Who knows, maybe it would've happened with anyone close to me at that time, and it just happened to be him.

My only consolation is that no matter if I developed strong feelings or not, the end was gonna be the same - he would've left for the other country either way. All of this just put some extra nights feeling blue, but I guess that's that.
You're going to get through this and come out stronger. This is also a learning opportunity for you. Good luck to you.
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