smile95 Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 For all of us who find ourselves hurt or trying to cope over the loss of a person in our life whom we once loved........I read this and it made me feel really great! I hope it does the same for all who need it. Love is not about trying to get the love and approval of someone who is emotionally or otherwise unavailable to you, for whatever reason. Sure, it feels like you must love the person a great deal more because you are always yearning for more. Most people don't get this concept, which is that the grass is always greener when it's not your grass. But ultimately, it's not love - it's the thrill of the chase. Of course the emotions felt are more intense - uncertainty that you will achieve your objective always does. Remember how you feel before you get your exam results? It's about the same thing. It's always exciting when you start on a new pursuit - but that is all it is, a pursuit. Which is why guys often lose interest when they've actually got the girl and start taking her for granted. I shall remember this in future, especially the fatal attraction bit. Love grows over time, and as you get to know the person. It is never a one-sided effort. If he/she will not make the effort to get to know and understand you and why you react the way you do, it will never work. If he/she cannot compromise, it will never work. If he/she does not respect you as a person and treat you well, it will never work. If he/she betrays your trust and does things behind your back during your relationship, it will never work. If he/she cannot put aside his/her pride and admit when they are wrong, it will never work. If pride is so important that nothing else matters but that the person be right all the time, it will never work. It will never work, because the person who can do all this, does not love you. He/She loves himself/herself more. And if he/she can stand by and watch you cry and be totally unmoved by your pain, he/she never loved you at all. I have broken up with people I have loved, and it was never their tears or their pain alone. It was never just his loss, it was our loss. Reading my old diary, I realise that I've forgotten what love is. Love is not about being happy during the good times. Love is when two people re-affirm their commitment to work things out during the bad times, knowing that there are problems ahead, but being committed to resolve them together, because you both know you have something special. Love is about doing something you don't really want to do, or going out of your way, because you want to make the other person happy. Love is wanting to be there for the person, and never wanting the person to cry or be hurt in anyway, and if you could take the hit for him/her, you would. You hurt when he/she falls down, or other people do things that hurt him/her. Love is when you are having problems, but you put aside those problems to deal with problems which your loved one is facing, because he/she needs your support then. And don't waste your time loving someone who cannot reciprocate it for whatever reason - be it that they don't feel that way for you, or that they are not capable of love as defined above. One day, they will realize that what they get out of a relationship is equivalent to what they put in. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't appreciate it or who doesn't want what you can give. There is always someone out there who will.
Fallen_Angel Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Thanks Beth...those words are very powerful. My biggest problem in the initial phases of the breakup (and the words that came out of my mouth after he dropped the bomb, no less!) was coming to terms with the fact that he didn't love me the same way anymore. I asked him over and over why two people who loved each other couldn't be together, but it has become apparent to me that he no longer wanted to put in the same amount of effort. I'm moving on little by little, but sometimes it still feels like it just happened. I try to comfort myself by reminding myself he really DID care about me - he ended the relationship in a thoughtful and honest way, so I can't fault him for that. I still find myself trying to gauge what he's thinking and how he's handling things - I mean, he forgot my birthday, which made me feel like $h*t because I went out of my way to acknowledge his, so he can't be thinking of me THAT much! All in all, though, I don't want to spend too much time overanalyzing someone who I can only assume doesn't spend the same amount of time thinking of me - life's too short for that.
darhma Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 beth5201 That is a great post. Thank you for sharing your insight. "Love is more than just a feeling it is a comitment to think more of that persons welfare than you do of your own"
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 Such a good post. I was "suddenly" (although not unexpectedly) feeling blue today. Wonder where it comes from, this sudden grey cloud over my head, when I just don't manage to feel good no matter what! But reading some "new" thoughts on LS always helps - it could be a write-up like this one, someone's insightful answer, or the jokes!! I've observed that all the qualities that are described as belonging to a person who truly loves, are actually those that would belong to your best, dearest friend. The only difference is, it's minus the physical attraction. Which makes me think that romantic love cannot exist without selfishness, somehow - and which is why it so often cracks. The love of a true friend, on the other hand, is mostly unselfish, it exists just because the person truly cares for you and likes you for who you are, and so it lasts. If a relationship survives long enough, and the thrill of the chase wears off like you observed, the physical attraction and the dreamy feeling vanishes. And after that, there are two possibilities - either the "love" dies, or the real friendship that it was based upon sustains it. And a lot of relationships that have survived a long time are just that - more of a deep, caring friendship and companionship. Ah well....just my thoughts...needed to write them down!!
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