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Black. Everything All Black.

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 24th January 2018, 1:31 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by unit1 View Post
It's such a shock ....
when u feel everything is black, this is the sign of PTSD.
how is your sleep?
pls try to make your sleep safe and okay, if your sleep gets worse, it will be hard to cure.....
I don't sleep through the night. Last night I may have gotten four hours. I'm normally an excellent sleeper.

if this therapist doesn't care much or help u much, u always can change a new one.
I'm going to my current one last time to try to figure out why she did absolutely nothing. Then I have an appointment with a new one on Tuesday.
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Old 26th January 2018, 9:46 PM   #17
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Like I said, I went to my current therapist for one last time. She agreed with all my criticisms of her running our group session. She said she understood that her doing and saying nothing during the group session made me feel like I was being ganged up on. She said that she had trouble because she thought that the session was going to be civil and the barrage my wife was doling out was overwhelming to her.

I said I'd not be back. I went there to save my marriage. She said if I needed something to call her.

I'm still going to see the new therapist on Tuesday. I don't know what to expect there. Maybe it'll just be the one time.
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Old 1st February 2018, 5:53 PM   #18
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Sorry I've been away. Long story short, I voluntarily submitted myself to a psych ward. I've been away since Monday night.
It was a miserable, boring time. Most of the group sessions were pretty useless. One was really nice, though. I think getting into a different space, being forced to not look at the same walls, deal with the same paperwork, etc. was good. Met some nice people.
I've been put on a super low dose antidepressant. I'm of course hoping to titrate down to nothing someday. Hate being on meds. Never been on anything (other than a rare antibiotic). But in the meantime it seems to be helping. Everything going on is still kind of crushing, but it's not panic-inducing in the same way.
Going to attend group therapy sessions 3x week for one to three months. Then go and finally have a one-on-one session with the new therapist I found.
Haven't had any of the borderline panic attacks. But I've only been out for like five hours. And not really out in public.
Thoughts of death have popped up, as I expected. But they haven't found a handhold in my mind. They arise, I acknowledge them, and they leave. Which I think is realistic.
Being back in this space, facing the paperwork again (which has laid dormant), being forced to interact with my STBXW. If I didn't have those thoughts arise again, I imagine I'd need to be so stuffed full of pills I wouldn't be able to function.
Of course things couldn't have gone all well. The Social Worker was supposed to contact the Courthouse that I was supposed to have an appearance in this morning. She told me it was all set and the appearance was going to be postponed. It went on anyhow.
I have tried to contact the lawyer I've been working with. Hoping to hear back from him soon. I don't see how that's right.
I'm no longer in denial about the divorce. I gave one last ditch attempt to save things before I left and it failed. I've been willing to work with her and forgive/work on how she's behaved and treated me. My kindness, once accepted to varying degrees, has been only repaid with contempt lately. And now that I'm back from the hospital, there's been not one hint of a question as to my well-being.
I'm done. I should've come to this realization before, but I'm stubborn and I fight for those I love. I saw her as struggling with something, and I wasn't going to give up on her. But she gave up on us and I can't do anything at this point.
Going to hurt like hell, but I think I can press on.
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