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When Will The Pain Go Away


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 22nd December 2017, 9:26 PM   #1
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When Will The Pain Go Away

To the outside world, I am coping.

Inside, I'm not.

The break up I went through in 2014/2015 was emotionally difficult, and, at times, physically. But it was never psychological. It never affected my thinking, nor my perceptions of men and women, nor did it destroy my personal self-image.

My 2017 break up with this woman has destroyed me in every way. Physically, I feel broken. My legs are sore, I have developed eczema, I've put on weight because I don't care about my diet anymore. I don't get haircuts. I don't really wash as often as I should. Perhaps if I did all of those things, I'd feel better. But the truth is that I am feeling so worthless, so unmotivated, so full of fatigue that I just can't be bothered. I would rather sleep all day. Do nothing. I don't feel like I exist.

My 2017 ex left me for a man - I'm a woman, so is she. I was the first woman she'd been with. She was also highly abusive towards me - something I didn't know existed; emotional abuse. I thought we just didn't get on. But she is a psychopath, and twisted my entire brain into mush.

I've developed an intense hatred of men. No, not all men; just the types I think she would like. Hyper masculine, tall, muscular, big penis, etc. I know the guy she is with looks like that, as she giggled to herself in front of me when she described him (at the same time as telling me he was "just a friend" - why are they always "just friends"?). I did not used to feel like this. I watch porn with people that look like them both physically. I masturbate and then I cry. I feel no desire to enter another relationship as I can't risk being hurt, and I can't trust anyone. I have been told I was loved, that she would always be there for me, and she isn't. I have been abandoned. I don't exist to her. Two and a half years turned into nothing. I can't even contact her because she is so hostile, so unpredictable, so volatile... anything she says will destroy me further, even if she's nice towards me.

People keep telling me to give it time. It's been ten weeks NC, and I don't feel any better. Every day is pain. Every day I cry. I do this weird crying that doesn't even seem voluntary; it just starts as I'm sitting on the toilet, or brushing my teeth. I dread to think what my neighbours must think is going on.

I have no idea when this pain will go away. I feel like my old self has died. I don't even know who I am anymore.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 10:01 PM   #2
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Hi,

I had a quick look at your thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...g-someone-else

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm going through something similar. My girlfriend (I'm male) left me for another girl that she had been flirting with by text and phone. One day I got back from a weekend work trip and she was gone. She spent a couple of days lying about it, saying she was staying with her mum. Then she admitted the other girl (who lives in another country) flew in to London to meet her and they went on holiday together.

For the next 10 days I had a horrendous time. Phone switched off, messages ignored for hours on end, etc. On several occasions she texted me to say that the whole thing had made her realize she loved me and wasn't into women after all. Almost every day she would promise to call me in X number of minutes / hours to talk about it, but then fail to do so, leaving me to face another sleepless night wondering what was happening.

She came back, and we went back and forth a few times with reconciliations and breakups. Then one day (about 5 weeks ago), she left our home, telling me she was going to stay with her mum for the night. The next day I got a text saying she was in the other girl's country. That's the last time I saw her. We're now pretty much NC (blocked on phone, contact by email and only for practical issues).

I noticed you used the word "abandoned". That's exactly how I felt and feel, and it's not something I've ever felt before in previous breakups. There is something particularly hurtful about one which ends suddenly as a result of your partner meeting someone new. You end up wondering, how can someone who spent years telling you how much they love and care for you, treat you so callously?

I have no good answers about how to deal with the pain during those times when you're home alone. I suffer from constant nightmares, random outbursts of tears, and general depression. I struggle to get basic tasks done, like you. I'm normally a positive and happy person, so this is an unusual state of mind for me. Sometimes watching movies or TV shows can be distracting, but they can also contain triggering scenes, so I've started to avoid doing that lately.

However, I have found one thing that helps. Staying busy and social. Any time I'm doing something, whether it's work, or socializing, my mind is distracted from how I feel. I joined Meetup.com and after a few weeks of dithering started attending meet ups for things that interest me. It has really helped. Separately, I met someone online who I now message every day and we meet up a couple of times a week. I've become a lot more active with my existing circle of friends. It's important to have people to talk to and hang out with, whether they be family, existing friends, or new ones.

I see that you're in the UK like me and obviously awake late, probably for the same reason as me. Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to when the rest of the world is asleep.

I feel your pain. The other positive thing I would mention, which you probably know, is that this *will* eventually fade and you will be able to function as a normal person again. I remind myself of this every day.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 10:58 PM   #3
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Well, it certainly sounds like you are depressed. Have you spoken with your doctor, a counsellor, a good friend?

I am so sorry for your pain.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 8:01 PM   #4
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Time. Time will make it go away. The pain, that is. This person will become a distant memory and you WILL rise from the ashes. A part of you might be dead right now, understandably so. But you have no alternative but to reinvent yourself with the knowledge you have gained from this experience. Trust me. I've been there.

Guard your heart as best you can the next time around.
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Old 25th December 2017, 10:40 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by SixxChick View Post
Time. Time will make it go away. The pain, that is. This person will become a distant memory and you WILL rise from the ashes. A part of you might be dead right now, understandably so. But you have no alternative but to reinvent yourself with the knowledge you have gained from this experience. Trust me. I've been there.

Guard your heart as best you can the next time around.
How much time did it take you?
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Old 25th December 2017, 11:03 PM   #6
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How much time did it take you?
Timelines are different for everyone and every relationship. Having someone new usually speeds it up for me.

I was with my ex wife a total of 10 years. It took me about a month to get over it.

The girl befor her I was with for a year. Took me a full 2 years before I was over her.

My last ex I was with for 7 years and itís been a year and a half. Iím not sure how long it will take to get over her but Iím not there yet and probably wonít be for a long time or until I find someone better.

The tricky thing with my ex is she was the deepest love Iíve ever had in my life - perhaps the only one I truly loved at all. My timeline went something like this:

0-6 months: completely devistated. Not eating, nightmares, trying to get through life, crying non stop
6-12 months: still hurt but came to grips and tried to move on
12-18 months: relapse, still pining, lost hope of ever getting over it but became my used to my new life.

Iíve read posters say it took them 3-4 years. Some over a decade.

I hate to use the line but it will take as long as it takes.

The best thing you can do is imagine you are piloting a ship through fog. Donít make any rash course changes as you may end up hitting something. You know the direction you need to go. Just point in that direction so when you do feel better you have not caused damage by destructive behavior (drinking, drugs, career problems, over eating, etc).

Iíve made myself a better person in this time but only because I made a conscious decision not to f up my life any worse than it was and not to make any big decisions until I could see though the fog.
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Old 25th December 2017, 11:51 PM   #7
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Timelines are different for everyone and every relationship. Having someone new usually speeds it up for me.

I was with my ex wife a total of 10 years. It took me about a month to get over it.

The girl befor her I was with for a year. Took me a full 2 years before I was over her.

My last ex I was with for 7 years and itís been a year and a half. Iím not sure how long it will take to get over her but Iím not there yet and probably wonít be for a long time or until I find someone better.

The tricky thing with my ex is she was the deepest love Iíve ever had in my life - perhaps the only one I truly loved at all. My timeline went something like this:

0-6 months: completely devistated. Not eating, nightmares, trying to get through life, crying non stop
6-12 months: still hurt but came to grips and tried to move on
12-18 months: relapse, still pining, lost hope of ever getting over it but became my used to my new life.

Iíve read posters say it took them 3-4 years. Some over a decade.

I hate to use the line but it will take as long as it takes.

The best thing you can do is imagine you are piloting a ship through fog. Donít make any rash course changes as you may end up hitting something. You know the direction you need to go. Just point in that direction so when you do feel better you have not caused damage by destructive behavior (drinking, drugs, career problems, over eating, etc).

Iíve made myself a better person in this time but only because I made a conscious decision not to f up my life any worse than it was and not to make any big decisions until I could see though the fog.

This was very insightful, thank you. My last ex felt like my first true love and I'm starting to see that this process is going to take a long time. As far as rash decisions go, I gained almost 30 lbs since the break up. I just couldn't and can't stand the pain. This was just as deep as when I lost a parent. I'm learning to just carry this pain.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:11 AM   #8
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This was very insightful, thank you. My last ex felt like my first true love and I'm starting to see that this process is going to take a long time. As far as rash decisions go, I gained almost 30 lbs since the break up. I just couldn't and can't stand the pain. This was just as deep as when I lost a parent. I'm learning to just carry this pain.
Glad I could help.

Conversely, I lost 40 lbs in the first two months because I had no desire to eat. I wasnít fat but I like my new weight (and bought all new clothes) so I decided to keep it.

Many people turn to things for comfort as result of a breakup; food being one. Iím the opposite, I completely lose my appetite when Iím upset.

Itís a long, tough road to navigate. Working out can help by releasing natural endorphins and helping you get back to your desired weight.

What you are going though is normal. Just donít let it break you. Eventually youíll be ok, but it will take longer than you want or think it should.
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Old 26th December 2017, 3:05 AM   #9
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How much time did it take you?
About a year and a half. I say "about" because it was a gradual transition. It's not like I woke up one morning and said, "You know what? I'm over it." Because of his decision to completely bail (without a goodbye, thank you, I'm sorry, or even have a nice life), I had no alternative but to move on. Consequently, thoughts, anger, sadness, and all of the stages of grief ran their course to the point where I just didn't care anymore. I stopped beating myself up for being so stupid and not seeing all of the red flags that were present to remind me that this person ultimately turned out to be a user. But when you are wearing rose colored glasses, those red flags are impossible to see. Or maybe it's more like we refuse to see them. I don't know. The one thing I did get out of it is the fine-tuning of my radar.

Some relationships only last for a season. I hope you get to the point where you too will realize that certain people come into our lives to teach us. We all make mistakes. The key is to learn from them.

I hope 2018 has better things in store for you and for all of us.

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Old 6th January 2018, 8:56 PM   #10
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Thank you for all the replies - it really means a lot to know that people are out there going through similar things, and I'm not just crazy.

I do worry about the length of time it's taking me to get over this... I think someone asked if I was on medication? Yes, I've started taking it as I have become almost glued to my bed and can only really manage to do tasks for about an hour or so before the motivation dies down. I sound really pathetic when I type it out... it just all feels so surreal.

Everyone keeps saying time will heal, but I don't know. How can time 'heal' this? The fact is that she's gone and that's the end of it.

I might as well be honest and say that I contacted her just after Christmas - it was the holiday season, and I was feeling terrible, and the pain was so overwhelming I can remember sitting on the edge of my bed and thinking "to hell with it", and that it couldn't get any worse than what I was feeling.

So I made an IG account and messaged her. Basically I said that I was feeling horrible about the way things had ended, and she said she did too. She started telling me that I had lots of things to work on and look forward to. I then said that my life didn't seem to be moving forward like hers was - to which she said that she was taking it one day at a time like me, and was also finding things hard. I then stupidly asked whether she really was seeing someone and she said she wasn't, that she is in fact single, and that it was just something she said in the heat of the moment to hurt me. The conversation ended with us asking how each other's lives were going and saying "take care of yourself" etc.

It felt at the time like closure, but it doesn't feel like that now. I know I should not have contacted her, but this break up has affected me so much that at the time I did not see any other way through or around it. All I want to do is contact her again, but I know her personality - she'll become annoyed that I've come 'back' and that I won't let her move on, or something like that. In my other thread I've spoken about her and how I have had to catch her in the right mood, etc. What I don't want to do is to ruin that ending we just had, which sounds pathetic, but I don't want to end on another argument, so I have no choice but to stay in NC.

I can't stop thinking about her and this all still feels like a dream. I wish I could just not feel anything but I still do. My friend is becoming tired of me talking about this and I'm running out of people to be around.

I just don't know what to do or who to talk to. I see a counsellor every Monday but it's not really helping, to be honest.

I feel really sad and numb and hopeless and just depressed all the time. I check my emails all the time to see if she has had a change of heart and there is never anything there. I don't know why there would be. I'm so used to her dumping me and then coming back that maybe thats why I can't move on. I can't think why else this is so hard.
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Old 7th January 2018, 11:52 AM   #11
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I really find myself missing her 'support' - things she'd suggest to me if I didn't know what to do or how she'd listen if I was upset about something. I worry that my life is going to somehow fall apart, that I won't know how to do something, etc. I know that probably sounds irrational, but that's what I'm feeling.

Then I started having thoughts of - "well, I could just message her to ask her how to go about such-and-such" - of course, that's stupid, right?

It feels like every day I wake up there's a period of about 15 minutes or so that I don't remember or think about this and then all of a sudden I remember, and the thoughts come flooding back in, and then my mood for the day is set. It's horrible.

I really don't want to be in this situation.

I try not to beat myself up about contacting her - I'd gone ten weeks without doing so but I just cracked and it didn't help that it was Christmas/New Year, and there were all these feelings swimming around. I miss her so much.

I have to keep reminding myself that the relationship was unhealthy and that, even if we did get back together the old issues would come back up and we would split up again. Or even if she did come over, she'd go home and reject me again and I'd be feeling much worse off than I am now.

Even though all of those things happened, I still find myself wanting to be around her and I really can't understand why.
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Old 7th January 2018, 12:42 PM   #12
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Totally relate Clist, about missing the support and everything else. Nearly 7 months on for me now, and I recognise what you're going through, but those sort of anxious symptoms are starting for me to recede a bit only now. I didn't even know it was anxiety, or thats what anxiety meant until I had to see my doc.

I too have broken NC a couple of times over the festives, because it seemed worth it, and because you think when youre at rock bottom its not going to hurt you more than you're hurting anyway.

Only it does hurt more lol. Maybe we only only learn that once we've stuck our hand on the flame enough times. it's getting easier to see that it is just like picking a scab- and equally irresistible.

It hurts each time I talk to her, but proving to myself that it does in fact hurt when I speak to her, is maybe kind of building an aversion to speaking to her again.

Until the next time the scab itches.

Trying to be light, and I am in fact starting to see the tragic ridiculousness of it all these days... but at the same time it is in fact excruciating, and overwhelming right now. It's not funny. But that's only because I spoke to like 4 and half hours ago. I should be OK in a week or so this time haha

Her birthday coming up, my birthday coming up this month too. Will I be able to maintain no-contact?

I have more chance of turning vegan for January.
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Old 7th January 2018, 1:04 PM   #13
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@Fever

So in regards to you going to see the doctor, did they put you on medication? Anxiety yeah, thatís the main thing I think. Feeling constantly anxious about a range of things - what if I never meet anyone again? What if she moves on quicker than I do? Etc etc every worst possible thought available seems to come into your head.

So how long were you and your ex together and why did you break up? Literally though, that rock bottom thing. I felt like my head was going to explode, lol. The pain was excruciating. Sometimes when I think I want to contact I have to quickly think, am I going to keep contacting her until she meets someone? Then what?

Tried to find comfort in the thought that she said one day we could possibly be Ďfriendsí, but what that means is just one message each asking ďhow are youĒ and then more silence. Not really a comfort after all.

What did you and your ex talk about the last time you spoke? What were her responses like?

Lol, birthdays, ugh. Herís is in Feb and letís not forget Valentineís Day ughhhhh
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Old 7th January 2018, 1:25 PM   #14
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Clist

We were together 22 years, and we split up because she blindsided me. I didnt see it coming. We were in Denmark for a wedding 2 weeks beforehand, and it was sweet as ever.

Then she dumped me. Then she was with someone else four weeks later. I wasn't on this board at time, but I assure you I lost my fecking marbles. I went immediately NC at that point, or had my first attempt at NC anyway, but what I was going through was properly excruciating. It felt like my DNA was popping like popcorn in a pan. No sleep, couldn't eat, heart constantly beating like I had ran a marathon- for weeks on end.

So I went to the doctor, and he prescribed betablockers and diazepam, and explained it was anxiety, and that it was a common reaction to traumatic life events, etc etc. He also recommended NHS wellbeing counselling services if required.

As for what we last spoke about... the second last time she tuned up at my door after 25 days NC on the 20th December, and was very warm, the warmest shes been since the split. Saying she was worried for me being alone over xmas, 'Only I understand her', all that kind of chat, while shaking her butt at me more than is strictly required in a friendly context.

That gave me hope she may turn up unexpectedly at xmas, and she had discovered the grass was not, in fact, greener. But did she hell! I wasn't as crushed as I would have been if the breakup was 2 months fresher, but yeah it stung like hell and set me back a bit. i had recovered by yesterday though and was feeling quite good...

Then today, is the anniversary of her grandmothers death in Copenhagen. Her grandmother knew me well, and loved me and our union.I knew it would set me back to reach out offer a chance to talk about her gran, but I figured I kind of owed it to the grandmother, as much as the granddaughter. I offered to meet up for a coffee, but I predictably got the KB.

As I was saying, I might be slow- I'm starting to perceive a pattern haha.

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Old 7th January 2018, 5:41 PM   #15
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@Fever

22 years. Iím so sorry - but no wonder you were experiencing such terrible anxiety afterwards. Is she still with the person now?

Itís always tricky when something happens in their family and itís the same family you were a part of - I remember that happening with my last ex, I knew her dad and we got on, and I felt a major loss there, too.

What else have you been doing to cope? Do you work?

Iím starting to think itís best to stay away from relationships. I mean, look at your story - 22 years together and then bam, nothing. It seems that it isnít about the length of time youíre with someone, nothing can stop someone from leaving. Relationships are so scary.

Iím feeling less upset at the moment. I think maybe coming on these boards and just writing and writing has helped a bit. I hope so, anyway.
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