LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

Emotional Rape


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 9th May 2005, 6:24 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 67
Emotional Rape

I have just been through the most horrible experience. I spent seven years on and off in a relationship with a man that I have now come to realize just used me. He never intended on marrying me and simply used me for his own personal gain. I helped him in his business, family life and provided him with stability and sex. Finally at the end of the line he told me I was not what he wanted and never was. He just kept coming back to me because he was lonely, I made him feel loved and he enjoyed the sex with me.

I have had several long term relationships and although they did not work out I just bounced back. This one has totally turned my reality around. I never ever suspected he did not love me. I have never been used in any way shape or form by a men and normally have incredible insight into people. I finally found a book that put my feelings into words "Emotional Rape". It finally made sense of all the madness.

Has anyone else ever been in a long term relationship with somoene who just "used" them? How do you ever learn to trust your instincts again? It is just evil not to give someone a choice by not telling them the truth. To have a hidden agenda. I feel almost abandoned by god. How can someone get away with something like this? It is so morally corrupt. He has already gone over to Russia and bought himself a wife who is what he wants. With the money that I helped him earn. How do I ever trust anyone again? He was a wolf and sheeps clothing.
darhma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th May 2005, 8:33 AM   #2
Established Member
 
LucreziaBorgia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Silent Hill
Posts: 9,546
If he had asked you to marry him, would it have still been emotional rape? Did he promise marriage to get what he wanted, and then reneged - or was marriage never his intention? Was he treating you poorly or emotionally abusing you?

I guess I just need some clarification - because this sounds like a typical long-term 'back and forth' relationship that didn't end in marriage. Does benefiting from long-term relationships that you don't intend to fully commit to make you an emotional rapist?
__________________
Take what is handed to you, and hand it back twice...
LucreziaBorgia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th May 2005, 9:02 AM   #3
Established Member
 
XNemesisX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,385
The more I read on LS, the more I see that some of the same problems I have really do seem to be universal and not just happening to me. Dharma, my ex of 2 years told me the same things but I have a hard time believing him, and I have a hard time believing what your ex told you. I don't believe that they would have stayed with us that long just for sex or out of loneliness. I think that's b.s.

Yes, I do think emotional rape is a good word for this. What he said to you sounds like what my ex said to me. Even though he did propose to me, at the time of our breakup he kept repeating to me that he didn't love me, never did, and was only using me for sex. Ummm...yeah right. I don't think you live with someone, and spend 24 hours a day with someone just for sex when you can get sex from a f*ck buddy just the same and without all the hassle of a relationship. Oh, and no one is that good of an actor to fake feelings for that long...

Emotional rape is a very good word for this, in that he is saying this to you just to hurt you. This is mental cruelty. Don't believe this, Dharma. He is just wanting to hurt you, that is why he is saying this. Did you do something that pissed him off prior to the breakup or that hurt him? Saying this could be his way of "getting back at you. "
XNemesisX is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th May 2005, 9:06 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 67
He told me at the end he never intended on marrying me because of several reasons that were always very obvious from the begining. These were not things that came out over time. I asked him why he did not tell me this from the begining...he said because he did not want it to end. The difference between an emotional rape and a relationship that just does not culminate in marraige is that the person is not truthful with you about their intentions. He never told me his true intentions till the very end.

If he asked me to marry him knowing he just wanted to be with me for a cerrtain period of time till he accomplished something. Yes that too would be emotional rape. Any love relationship has 3 factors...trust, love and goal of being together indefinetly. All these things can change but the relationship is based on these.
darhma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th May 2005, 9:18 AM   #5
Established Member
 
XNemesisX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,385
Who wrote this book? I would seriously like to read this...

I am sorry that your ex did this to you. So do you really believe what he is saying then? That he used you the whole time? That really pisses me off that he would even say that to you, and I can relate to you on how that feels. To me, that is nothing short of cruel to even come out and tell someone that. That sort of information can emotionally kill someone, and I'm sure our exes were aware of this.
XNemesisX is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th May 2005, 9:23 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: United States
Posts: 345
I have to agree with XNemesisX. He is very cruel. He probably did love you at some point, but he sounds very emotionally immature from what you have described, and may not even really know what love is. One thing he is for sure though, is just plain mean, and totally not worth your time.

To try to deny everything that was special about your relationship, and to want to take from you even the memory of what you shared and say it was not real, is beyond cruel. He may not love you now, and he may have even fallen out of love with you, but if you were once sure he loved you, he probably did then, since almost nobody is that good of an actor. Sometimes relationships end, but we take from every relationship memories and experiences that stay with us forever. Even when relationships I have had ended badly, and even when I had been cheated on, I have never denied having loved someone just to hurt her. That is just mean. I have also never had someone do that to me. Even when a relationship is completely over, there should at least be a desire there to want to try not to hurt the other person unncessarily, especially when it doesn't cost anything to be decent about it. For some reason, he doesn't want you to have the feeling that he once loved you, and wants to take that from you. It's sad for him that he is such a small person. Be glad that you can move on now, without him.

Just know that not all men are like that, and be happy for him and the mail-order bride he just bought who will probably divorce him as soon as she gets her green card. What goes around comes around.

Last edited by WithOrWithoutYou; 9th May 2005 at 9:25 AM..
WithOrWithoutYou is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th May 2005, 9:50 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 67
The book "Emotional Rape" is written by Michael Fox.

I know in my heart that most men are not like this but I am almost terrified of getting close to anyone now. It is almost like everything I knew and believed in has been turned upside down. I have always lived my life trying to do the right thing and trusting in heart/head to guide me. In general I have always been with good guys. He was so sneaky. I never ever doubted he loved me. I dont even know what love is now. It appears he is just fine and being rewarded and I am here a shell of person that I was.

After realizing the truth about him. So many of the things he did and did not do make sense to me. However, I can also understand how I was fooled. He was such a sweet talker. The kind of man that everyone says he is such a nice guy. I am usually the one everyone asks for a judgement call on people. I just can not believe I was so fooled. I just pray that good does win out over evil and that I find it in my heart to be open to someone again. It just makes me wonder if I am the one that has everything wrong...that maybe it pays to be a user and lier.
darhma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th May 2005, 10:06 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 67
The worst thing is when he had his catharsis and told me the "truth". He was telling me how much better Ukrainian women our then American women. I asked him if he thought I was not a good women. He told me no...that I was the best women he ever had. However, I was from a different generation...because I was 3 years older than him. I really don't think he said all these things to hurt me. I think he was just done with me and he wanted to release his own conscious. He had no use for me anymore and he wanted to make himself feel better by finally telling the truth. Because he never loved me he really did not think of what it may do to me to say all these things to me. It is so hard to know this man was so evil and I missed it.
darhma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th May 2005, 5:37 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: United States
Posts: 345
Quote:
Originally posted by darhma
I just pray that good does win out over evil and that I find it in my heart to be open to someone again. It just makes me wonder if I am the one that has everything wrong...that maybe it pays to be a user and lier.
You are not the one who has everything wrong. You can't understand people like him (most of us can't), and the fact that you cannot understand that sort of behavior is a very good thing. It may pay in the short run sometimes, but just think of all of the things he is going to live his life without. You will find those things again, with someone else. It will take time, but you will.
WithOrWithoutYou is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th May 2005, 6:17 PM   #10
Established Member
 
XNemesisX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 1,385
Dharma I understand how you feel. Even though I doubt that my ex and your ex as well, could mean that to the degree they say they do, I have my moments where I feel doubt and I wonder if he really never did love me at all. I think that it is evil that they would tell us they never loved us and never wanted to marry us and was just using us. Even if it was the truth, no one should EVER say that to another human being. I think you are right, because they obviously don't love us anymore, they really don't care how they make us feel. They don't care if it kills us inside, or destroys our self-esteem. They couldn't care less. I feel the way that you do, and have felt this way for some time. I do feel like an empty shell as you described it. I feel like it will be hard for me to ever trust or even love someone again. I don't even think I would intentionally do this, but I just think it will be incredibly hard, if not impossible, for me to have those same feelings I once did for my ex with another person. I think I would be too worried that this would happen to me again.

I do try to stay hopeful. However, it is hard. A lot of times I will read on LS how others exes still want to talk to them, and never told them they never loved them. I really thought I was the only one who had went through this. There is no word to describe the terrible feeling that comes with being told something like that after you have been with someone for so long. Hell, I even went and stayed with him and his family last summer and his mother was telling me that she had never seen him so happy with anybody else, and truly believed he would marry me. He even proposed to me! Then just several months later, he tells me he never loved me, and not only that, but he "only entertained" the idea of marriage and would have never wanted to marry me. How can someone be such a liar and a manipulator?!?!?

Dharma, know this. I think our exes are in the minority of people here. I truly feel that MOST people do not behave this way. It's not only abnormal but it's sociopathic. Thank God that most people are not so cruel as they are. I'm sure that you would never tell someone those things, and neither would I. Even when I have been the one to end relationships, and felt I no longer loved the person, I would NEVER EVER tell someone that I didn't love them and only used them. You know what? That takes a really sh*tty person to do that to someone. You know what they say....words can kill. My ex was such a big "so called Christian" so I once told him how the bible says words can be like murder. You can kill someone inside with words...it can even be worse than killing someone physically. He just ignored this and treated me with all around disregard. If you ever want to talk about this, you can pm me and I can give you my sn or email address. Again, I am so sorry this happened to you and I really do believe in karma and these exes of ours have some seriously bad karma coming their way.....
XNemesisX is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th May 2005, 10:13 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 67
Thank you Withorwithoutyou for the encouragement. I tell myself everyday that it is good that I dont understand and that if I did I would be as evil as him.

It is interesting XNemisisX boyfriend was also a bible thumper. My ex was the son of a preacher and always talked about how he was a "christian." One of his complaints about me was that I was not christian enough. I did not abhore homosexuals and I enjoyed drinking without shame. I have come to realize the people who profess to be christian are the ones to beware of. If you have god in your heart you can not act outside of love without great shame and pain.

Is it not ironic I feel as though god has abandoned me and it was due to my heart being sliced in half by a self professed christian.
darhma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th May 2005, 10:36 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: United States
Posts: 345
Quote:
I have come to realize the people who profess to be christian are the ones to beware of. If you have god in your heart you can not act outside of love without great shame and pain.
That is so true. There are a lot of really great people who are Christians (just like there are a lot of great people who are of other religions too), but I have found that the ones who thump the hardest, make the biggest deal about it, and have a need to stick it in your face constantly, are often the biggest hypocrites who treat others anything but the way God would want.
WithOrWithoutYou is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th May 2005, 7:39 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 67
Just when I think I know what a creep he is he surprises me further. My ex ran into my relative and disclosed all the details of his impending marriage to his Ukrainian bride. Showed her pictures etc...they are to marry in July or August. Then after six months of NC he sends me an email asking me how I am and that he hopes all my dreams come true and how he still thinks of me. Like he could give a darn how I am. He just wants to stir the pot a bit and see if I will take the bait. If he was as in love etc with his bride to be he would have no interest in contacting me at this point. He is completly incapable of love. Is this guy a mess or what?
darhma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th May 2005, 11:25 PM   #14
TWR4
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Holy ****. This thread is one of the most appalling I have seen yet. I thought I had problems with me ex. This guy who likes Ukranian women (!?) is a total loser. You could not be better off. Seriously, this guy is a freak. You can take comfort in the fact that while yes, you have been used, you have been used by a very evil man who will most definitely get what he deserves.
  Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
rape? veryconfused:( Abuse 21 6th January 2006 2:37 PM
Is this RAPE? guest Dating 22 23rd June 2005 10:00 PM
can't 'get over' rape lydiamarie Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 18 31st August 2004 6:58 AM
What is rape? moimeme Abuse 13 8th August 2004 10:10 AM
A Different Rape Thread, Another Rape Survivor: My Story RapeSurvivor Abuse 15 4th August 2004 1:58 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:45 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.