LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

My best friend stole the girl of my dreams[UPDATE: Having a difficult time moving on]


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Like Tree16Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 2nd February 2017, 5:28 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
My best friend stole the girl of my dreams[UPDATE: Having a difficult time moving on]

So this is going to be slightly long, I do apologize, but I don't know where else to go or who else to talk to, so I hope the loveshack community could help me out.

So I met the girl of my dreams on a Japanese pen pal website about 5 years ago. She instantly caught my eye and I just had to talk to her. So for the 1st 3 years, we were constantly messaging each other back and forth. 3 years ago I got enrolled in my current university, majoring in Art and Animation and met my best friend there. He too was a fellow artist, but he was majoring in business instead. I told my dream girl about him, because my first impressions about this guy were negative. I was your typical nerd that was into anime, video games and what not, and here's a guy who was into a variety of sports and was also a natural bodybuilder. He also was dating quite a bit and sleeping around a lot. Well my dream girl told me that she never quite liked muscular men, that they scared her, so I told her she didn't have to worry, I was nothing like that! As I got to know her more, she told me that she's never dated before, but she's always dreamed about coming to the US. She was also a fellow nerd and loved writing poetry despite being a model over there in Japan.

Well as time went on, I got to get to know my roommate and he turned out completely different than what I thought he would be. He was a very fun guy to hang out with, and also liked to play video games, so I knew that the semester was not going to suck. He also is a huge Marvel and DC fan, having a private collection of a variety of comic books. I eventually told him about my dream girl and he actually gave some helpful advice and got me to make her laugh a few times. We eventually became best friends this guy and I.

Well about a year and a half ago, my dream girl told me some awesome news. She was going to transfer over to my University to further her career as a designer. I was super excited and I told my friend about it. We eventually got her settled that summer before the semester began and I was a bit intimidated by my best friend because I caught my dream girl staring at him multiple times. My best friend tried to put me at ease by telling me that he wasn't really into Asians, and he preferred other types of girls (he usually dates blondes or brunettes). Well I got to hang out with her a lot, playing video games, having her teach me how to cook different meals and there were a few times we cuddled while watching anime, but when I got the courage to try and make a move and kiss her, she turned her face and cheeked me. She told me that she wasn't ready for that yet and so I backed off, but continued to hang out with her a lot. My best friend though tried his best to help me out when he could.

Well, as the semester progressed, I noticed that my best friend wasn't hanging out with me as much and one day I overheard my dream girl talking to other friends of hers and told them that she thought my best friend was a very beautiful man. It felt like I was punched in the gut and when she spotted me, she tried to talk for a bit but I came up with an excuse that I had to be somewhere. Well when I got back to my apartment, I noticed that my friend was preparing a meal, which was chicken but that he already had rice made for him. When I saw the container, I instantly knew it belonged to my dream girl. I didn't say anything and quickly went in to my room. I was very upset, hurt, and not knowing what to do because I really liked this girl. Eventually my best friend caught on and told me that ya, he's definitely seeing my dream girl, that he would have told me sooner but he was afraid on how I was going to act.

Well for the past year, it's been very difficult and I've been overly depressed. I try to hide it the best I can but at times I just can't and I break down. I began to hate him for getting with her, and seeing her wear his shirts, or showing him the shows we used to watch together was unbearable. I even walked in on them making out! Well one day she told me that her parents were coming to visit over the holidays so she can introduce them to him, and she would like it if I got to meet them too. I agreed but it was very depressing for me as I got to see him make her and her family laugh. He also told them what he was majoring in and hoped to open up his own business one day and be an entrepreneur.

One morning I woke up and noticed that she was leaving his room, and it was apparent that she spent the night with him. Well I got kind of angry with her and asked how could she sleep with someone she's not even married to. Well after getting angry at her, my best friend overheard and came out of the bathroom and noticed that she was uncomfortable. He told her to wait and that he'll take her back home. He asked if he could talk to me for a second and ended up getting very angry at me, asking me what the hell was wrong with me, that if I was a real friend of hers, I would never sl*t shame her like that. He also said that if he ever caught me talking to her like that again or talking bad about her he was going to kick my a**. So they left and I began to avoid him. I was just super angry.

Well I noticed that these past several weeks she began to avoid me. I eventually was able to catch her one day and apologize. I also took a huge step and confessed that I love her. She was everything that I wanted in a woman and more. She started to cry a little but told me to stop. She said she's never been the one to be mean, but that she always seen my as a good friend or a brother, that she never saw me in "that way." She eventually left but I noticed that she had an engagement ring on. I was torn apart inside.

When I got back, I noticed that my roommate was packing up and that there was another person there. I asked him what was going on, and he told me that he and my dream girl were going to move in together elsewhere and he didn't know how I was going to take it, but he did the liberty of finding someone else to take over the lease so I didn't have to worry. We eventually got into an argument, and I asked him if he proposed to her, which he said yes he did. I asked him how he could do this to me, that I thought we were best friends, and that he knew I really liked her. He told me that he tried his best to not do anything with her when she first transferred, that he tried to avoid her advances on him, but that one day he came across one of her poems by accident that she left behind, and it was about him, and that he was taken back and smitten by it, and from then on knew that he had feelings back for her.

Well as he was leaving he told me that I needed to respect their decision to be together, that if I kept pursuing this, that I was going to lose two friends. He told me that there are a lot of other girls out there, that she isn't the only one and wished me good luck and left. I cried a lot that day and have been hurting inside ever since. I just don't know what to do, and would really like it if someone could shed some light on this and tell me what I can do to move on? Should I move on, or should I try one more time to win her over? Thanks
theheartbrokenweaboo is offline  
Old 2nd February 2017, 5:38 PM   #2
Established Member
 
lurker74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 324
That is a very sad story. And this part is even more sad: move on. She was never into you, never reciprocated the love and so many on this site will tell you it wasn't real love (reciprocation being one of the things needed for love).

It sounds like she wants you as a friend but I wouldn't do that either. Some woman (not all, probably not most, but some) cannot see themselves with a beta guy, which you sound like. It's practically biology for them to see themselves with an alpha. But the good news is that you're someone else's alpha so don't debase yourself by going after her again.

If you want a chance with her - and the chance is likely 1% or less - let her go. Perhaps this relationship with this guy will not last and only then would you have a chance, then only if she came back to you.

As for your friend, he's gone too. Maybe he's in love with her and if so the heart wants what the heart wants. But in college, you can keep that ***** in check because it starts with lust and he didn't. I would never sleep with a friend or roommate's love interest...and I've had multiple opportunities, some very tempting.

And btw, your roommate was right. You should NOT have sl_t shamed her. I'm glad you apologized but remember that lesson.
lurker74 is offline  
Old 2nd February 2017, 6:19 PM   #3
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 29,947
I'm sorry this happened to you but you do have to move on.


Sadly, just because you liked this girl did mean she was your GF. Especially since you never asked her out until it was too late, she was free to date anybody. It would have been nicer if your buddy was more upfront with you & told you up front that he was going to ask her out but he was under no obligation to do so. If he was just some random guy you still would have lost out but then at least you only would have lost her not him plus your buddy.


You were way wrong to confront her the way you did when you realized she spent the night. You being understandably hurt was no excuse.


What happened sucked, but you will only make it worse if you continue to pursue her. If you can't let go of this I predict one of two things will happen: your former roommate will end up punching you (not saying he'd be justified just that it's a possibility) or she will file a complaint for harassment against you. You have the power to prevent both by being a gracious (or at least invisible) also-ran. (You are not a loser; you are a good guy who just didn't get the girl this time)


Next time you fancy a girl, don't put her on so much of a pedestal and ask her on a proper date early on so you don't get friend-zoned.
d0nnivain is offline  
Old 2nd February 2017, 6:50 PM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 38
Ouch, this story was painful. Not because you are some sort of loser for this happening to you--you aren't--but because it brings back memories. We all get rejected by someone we care about a lot at some point though, you will get through this and come out stronger.

Quote:
Originally Posted by theheartbrokenweaboo View Post

Well about a year and a half ago, my dream girl told me some awesome news. She was going to transfer over to my University to further her career as a designer. I was super excited and I told my friend about it. We eventually got her settled that summer before the semester began and I was a bit intimidated by my best friend because I caught my dream girl staring at him multiple times. My best friend tried to put me at ease by telling me that he wasn't really into Asians, and he preferred other types of girls (he usually dates blondes or brunettes). Well I got to hang out with her a lot, playing video games, having her teach me how to cook different meals and there were a few times we cuddled while watching anime, but when I got the courage to try and make a move and kiss her, she turned her face and cheeked me. She told me that she wasn't ready for that yet and so I backed off, but continued to hang out with her a lot. My best friend though tried his best to help me out when he could. ...
I think lurker and d0nnivain gave you good advice. Although, where I differ from d0nnivain is that I really don't think there was anything you could have done differently to have made her your girlfriend. (She never was your girlfriend. She never was going to be your girlfriend, whether you properly "asked her out" or not. She was never attracted to you. She was into your friend from the very beginning. And even if she were ever your girlfriend, the chemistry between her and your friend was so strong that she likely would have broken up with you to be w him. The parts I bolded says this. When a woman is into a guy, she makes it super easy for him, just as this girl made it really easy for your friend by writing him poetry. If this girl were into the you back, she would have kissed you.)

I really think you need to cut yourself off from them in the meanwhile and move on. That's the one bit of advice I have for you now. And read the other threads on here--breakups and heartbreak happens to us all.

Last edited by ReformedPUA; 2nd February 2017 at 6:52 PM..
ReformedPUA is offline  
Old 2nd February 2017, 6:53 PM   #5
Established Member
 
kendahke's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: 38.978447, -77.018515
Posts: 7,268
I'm sorry this happened you to.

I'm not seeing anywhere in your post that you and she had a talk and agreed you two were exclusive with one another. Yeah, your boy shouldn't have moved on her, but he did and you're going to have to accept that. Yeah, it sucks.

I'd leave them both alone for now. What's the point in trying to get with her? She's already shown you she doesn't see you like that. To keep forcing that issue by not hearing what she's saying is only going to end up with you being hurt even more.
kendahke is offline  
Old 2nd February 2017, 7:01 PM   #6
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 29,947
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReformedPUA View Post
Although, where I differ from d0nnivain is that I really don't think there was anything you could have done differently to have made her your girlfriend. (She never was your girlfriend. She never was going to be your girlfriend, whether you properly "asked her out" or not. She was never attracted to you. She was into your friend from the very beginning. And even if she were ever your girlfriend, the chemistry between her and your friend was so strong that she likely would have broken up with you to be w him. The parts I bolded says this. When a woman is into a guy, she makes it super easy for him, just as this girl made it really easy for your friend by writing him poetry. If this girl were into the you back, she would have kissed you.)

To the extent that I made you think that you had a chance with this girl, theheartbrokenweaboo, I'm sorry. I did not mean to imply that had you done anything differently you would have gotten this girl. I wholeheartedly agree that had see seen you in a romantic light she would have kissed you when you tried to kiss her. The chemistry was never there with her.


After you heal from this very real pain going forward as you venture back into the dating, remember fortune favors the bold. If you like a woman, let her know that early on & ask her a date sooner rather than later.
d0nnivain is offline  
Old 2nd February 2017, 9:20 PM   #7
Established Member
 
phineas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 6,886
Well.
Lesson learned.

When i meet a woman i want i ask her out.
I do not hang out as friends with her.

she is either into me or i move on.
Life is way simpler and less aggravating.
phineas is offline  
Old 3rd February 2017, 8:36 PM   #8
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
ReformedPUA, thanks for the advice.. and thank you all for the advice. I'm still shaken up about the whole thing but I wanted to add more. From what me and her talked originally, before she came in to the US, she wanted someone she could relate to, someone who she thought was humble and had a good heart, that it wasn't about looks etc. the way she painted her ideal man sounded like me. I'm just confused how she told me she thought muscular men were scary, yet she's gonna be marrying one soon, and even thought he was "beautiful." The funny thing is, despite having a lot in common with her, knowing her culture a lot more, it did nothing to help getting this very beautiful girl. And when my best friend was living with me, most of their dates were mainly each other introducing the other to new things, so it just boggles my mind how she's been having a lot more fun with him than she ever did with me

So I want to know what my best option is at this point, I found out that they both have me filtered on Facebook where I can't see their posts despite being friends with them; what would you guys recommend?
theheartbrokenweaboo is offline  
Old 3rd February 2017, 8:43 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,676
Quote:
Originally Posted by theheartbrokenweaboo View Post
ReformedPUA, thanks for the advice.. and thank you all for the advice. I'm still shaken up about the whole thing but I wanted to add more. From what me and her talked originally, before she came in to the US, she wanted someone she could relate to, someone who she thought was humble and had a good heart, that it wasn't about looks etc. the way she painted her ideal man sounded like me. I'm just confused how she told me she thought muscular men were scary, yet she's gonna be marrying one soon, and even thought he was "beautiful." The funny thing is, despite having a lot in common with her, knowing her culture a lot more, it did nothing to help getting this very beautiful girl. And when my best friend was living with me, most of their dates were mainly each other introducing the other to new things, so it just boggles my mind how she's been having a lot more fun with him than she ever did with me

So I want to know what my best option is at this point, I found out that they both have me filtered on Facebook where I can't see their posts despite being friends with them; what would you guys recommend?

They both did you a favor..
Sweetfish is offline  
Old 3rd February 2017, 8:46 PM   #10
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 29,947
You need to distance yourself from them. Unfriend them or at least unfollow them on social media. Do not torture yourself looking at their happy pictures.


She did tell you one thing & do the exact opposite. Only she knows why.


For now lick your wounds & find some new friends.
d0nnivain is offline  
Old 3rd February 2017, 9:41 PM   #11
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 20,828
Look, I don't like this friend of yours for doing this, but in reality, he wasn't an old close friend of yours, so he didn't owe you all that much loyalty. Still, a super nice guy wouldn't have done what he did, so you are well rid of him.

But next I have to bring you back to reality. Once she met you, she never felt romantic toward you. She turned down your advances, made excuses, trying not to insult you. It isn't that you never got a chance to win her. It's that she already knew she wasn't interested in you that way, at least by the time she stopped your advances.

This was never going to happen for you. I'm sorry. I know you had invested a lot of hope there, but women aren't someone you can win. Once they have met you in person, it really doesn't take long to know if they're interested or not, and she isn't.

On the other hand, she was instantly drawn to your roommate. So as you see, she knows what she likes and doesn't drag her feet acting on it.

You should not have shamed her like that. Good grief. It is 2017. That type thinking may be the exact thing that is holding you back. Most women would shy away from some guy who was looking for a virgin to put on a pedestal! It's immature. You're young, so I hope you snap out of that and I think you will before long.

Your roommate did the right thing moving out. Now you can heal in private without having to see them all the time. Please just accept that she was NEVER right for you. And try to stay busy and just put it behind you and move on. The ideal girl in your head truly does not exist, but if you keep an open mind, one you like just as well may surface someday. You hoped she was someone she wasn't. You were in love with who you hoped she was. But that's not her, and she knew it. Good luck.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline  
Old 3rd February 2017, 9:52 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 5,168
dude, you were living in a dream world

Dream #1 - a girl who never met you and got along online would love you IRL
Dream #2 - your BFF won't be attracted to girls you like
Dream #3 - girls don't like athletic guys with good personalities
Dream #4 - hanging out = dating
Dream #5 - avoiding the difficult conversation will make it go away
Dream #6 - your morals are hers
Dream #7 - that you can make your dreams come true by dreaming

Get off your @ss next time. Give your girl your best shot. Don't hesitate. Go for it. Fortune belongs to the bold.
mightycpa is offline  
Old 3rd February 2017, 9:56 PM   #13
Established Member
 
todreaminblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: down under
Posts: 14,823
even if you had a chance with her which i don't believe you did.....she is now engaged to be married there's no chance..really in your case not friendship either...because you have feelings she wont return..you should respect the fact she has chosen.....if you loved her or really cared about her.....you would respect her choices even if you dont agree or they make you sad...be happy for her and wish her the best and then ...really mean it...in that wishing the best for rher.....and get back out there and find your girl in the flesh....dreams only can last so long....eventually you wake up....and realize not all dreams come true...and not all fantasies should become real........in reality theres someone better for you..fidn that woman....who is right for you who loves you back......deb
todreaminblue is offline  
Old 3rd February 2017, 9:57 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by theheartbrokenweaboo View Post
...and he told me that he and my dream girl were going to move in together elsewhere and he didn't know how I was going to take it, ... We eventually got into an argument, and I asked him if he proposed to her, which he said yes he did. I asked him how he could do this to me, that I thought we were best friends, and that he knew I really liked her.
She was having sex with him and you end up getting mad because he proposed. He was banging the girl he knew you liked.

Quote:
Originally Posted by theheartbrokenweaboo View Post
Well as he was leaving he told me that I needed to respect their decision to be together, that if I kept pursuing this, that I was going to lose two friends.
They are not your friends. They are two people that used you to get together. I don't mean they planed it. But they used you in the end.

Quote:
Originally Posted by theheartbrokenweaboo View Post
He told me that there are a lot of other girls out there, that she isn't the only one...
Biggest bull**** ever. When you love someone, that's the only one. I mean, yeah, it's useless to love a girl who doesn't love you. And yes, they have the right to be together. But they don; t have the right to use you and after that ask you to be in good terms with them.
moebius is offline  
Old 3rd February 2017, 10:02 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by theheartbrokenweaboo View Post
...she wanted someone she could relate to, someone who she thought was humble and had a good heart, that it wasn't about looks etc. the way she painted her ideal man sounded like me. I'm just confused how she told me she thought muscular men were scary, yet she's gonna be marrying one soon...
In my experience: girls like humble and sensible guys until they step over a guy who's good in bed. Sex is above everything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by theheartbrokenweaboo View Post
So I want to know what my best option is at this point, I found out that they both have me filtered on Facebook where I can't see their posts despite being friends with them; what would you guys recommend?
Do you plan keep beating yourself up with this? Do you like seeing them together, kissing, and such?
You don't have the faintest chance of getting her. So what do you want to do?
moebius is offline  
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
my friend stole the girl I love?? iamzach Dating 10 4th November 2012 12:00 AM
Ever been with someone you know isn't right yet you have a difficult time moving on? Inigo Breaks and Breaking Up 11 26th October 2010 7:56 PM
Girl of my dreams is a good friend.. purepwnagewes Dating 3 21st July 2008 9:46 AM
My Cousin's Best Friend is The Girl of My Dreams - But She Has a Boyfriend Marcone Friends and Lovers 3 23rd May 2004 12:41 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:33 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.