mishy Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 About 2 and a half years ago i became friends with a co-worker Chris after just being aquaintances for about 2 years. Within the first month of our intense friendship we kissed and were always very physical with each other, shared his bed whenever i went over but we never had sex. Right from the start he had told me he was gay. We had such an intense and amazing friendship it was like we were soulmates. We hated spending any time apart and did absolutely everything together- it was the sort of friendship where we just wanted to BE with each other and we were happy doing anything and often a day spent would turn into a night , into a day, into a night etc. We would go on holidays often, just the two of us, to the beach and to the bush. I should point out now that all this time, since the first kiss 2 years ago i had gradually fallen deeply in love with him. he would often jokingly comment on how we are like a couple, see it was easy for me to fall in love with him because he didn't really seem or look "gay". It has been like that up until January this year. We had both dabbled in a bit of online dating- him on a gay website but we didn't take it very seriously. But finally Chris did take the plunge and with a bit of a shove from me he met this guy from the website. I sort of thought oh yeah nothing will come of it.. but sure enough after about two weeks they became absolutely inseperable. Ofcourse i was inconsolable and i would ring up to see what he was doing and he'd be having drinks with the boyfriend - lets call him Peter, and i would just be beside myself with jealousy and be saying "oh but thats what we used to do together" etc - i mean i was really really upset by it all. I really felt as though this guy had taken my place. And really he has but he's able to give him sex as well. During this time me and him had gone out a couple of times to talk about what was going on and how our friendship could still work but we'd end up drinking too much and he cried when i said that i don't think i will be able to handle seeing him with peter. He's known I'm in love with him for about a year and a half or even longer. I know its pathetic of me!!! In February i found out that an aquaintance of mine actually knows the boyfriend peter and that he has recently spent two years in jail for drink driving and there was all this other stuff about the sort of person he is, and me and some friends were quite concerned about Chris hanging out with this guy. But all of that is beside the point really. Can someone please help me accept that I can't have him. Its been absolutely horrible. I didn't actually fully realise how i felt until he started going out with this guy. Its now april the 8th and i still haven't met Peter. He practically lives at Chris's house and I have just been avoiding meeting him at all costs because after everything thats happened i don't think i could stand it. I really don't want to see Peter all over him. I told him the other night that I am not ready to meet him yet (still, 3 months on)but the truth is I don't think i ever will be. I just don't want to see them together. What do I DO???!! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 What can you do? The guy is gay, and you were hoping to "cure" him. My own brother is gay, and he had a good female friend like you who also had a crush on him. In fact, she still does, but my brother will NEVER fall for her. EVER. Ignore the fact that he's made out with tons of hot chicks at clubs. That's just for show... practice, if you will. Isn't going to happen, sorry to say. You need to realize this and move on to other guys, even though you can still shop with your gay friend and talk about clothes and makeup, or whatever the drama happens to be. Gay guys never lack drama. I learned this from my brother. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 Have you watched Will and Grace? That's a look at what your future could be like if you don't find someone else who can really love you in every way. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 EVERYONE who has a gay friend is close with them. Their the only ones who will be hosnest and tell you that that skirt doesn't look good. I think you should remain friends b/c 90% of the time, they don't turn. If thats as far as it can be than work on the friendship! Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 Pretend he's a woman. I have a cousin that would be PERFECT for me. But...ew...he's my cousin Link to post Share on other sites
Author mishy Posted April 10, 2005 Author Share Posted April 10, 2005 thanx for your advice. We are best friends and i want to salvage what i can at this point. My anxiety has a lot to do with meeting his boyfriend. Since we became friends he hasn't had a boyfriend- we have basically been each others ''partner'' i suppose, so its kind of a shock for me really. I just don't know how to face the boyfriend and whats worse he KNOWS about all of this and everything. HOW EMBARRASSED am I??? The friends of ours that have met him have not really liked him and say he's quite rude and arrogant to people. He has told my friend that he will have to choose between us and that he's thought about breaking it off because of me. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 i have a friend who got like this over a guy friend who wasnt gay, but who a relationship never worked out with, they were still the best of friends and did everything but together. one day he got a girlfriend and she went crazy, she hated this girl for ages, he eventually had to tell her he could not see her if she continued to make his girlfriend feel uncomfrtable. well, in time she got over it and now she and his girlfriend are the best of friends and she is so glad that she had the chance to get to know this girl. she never wanted a relationship with this guy but got confused because of how close they were and being replaced by somebody else. you are still important to your friend, no matter how many relationships i have had i have always needed my friends. who is he going to talk about his relationship to? and you never know you and "peter" might become really close too. it just takes a period of adjustment. you dont want to have to regret throwing away such a good friendship. i too have had male friends i was in love with and the girlfriends always ended up jealous of our friendship and ended up ruining our friendship. at least there is no danger of that here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mishy Posted April 14, 2005 Author Share Posted April 14, 2005 well thanks for all your comments and thanks to some of the things you said I'm going to meet his boyfriend this weekend. I realised how I just have to if we are going to stay friends. I think our friendship might reach a new level if I can deal with this. Link to post Share on other sites
KnottyGrrl Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 Mishy- Kudos to you for wanting to meet his new boyfriend! Have you consider that you and he may have been together in a past life, and that may be why you feel such a strong attraction to him? Such information often comes to me in dreams, meditation, or just in an intuitive "knowing". Or, you may not believe in such things... I'm in the same boat, except I'm married and fell in love with my gay friend about 7 months ago. My husband has trouble communicating and expressing his feelings although I know that he loves me, and I was certainly not looking for anyone when I met "J". Didn't know he was gay at first, and... just fell for him! It surprised me, because that isn't like me AT ALL. We have become good friends, are interested in the same things, have so much in common, etc... This has just been torture because I have the connection with "J" that I want with my husband, but I can be married to and have sex with my husband- something I'll never have with "J". I do love my husband, by the way, he just has trouble letting himself be loved. Told "J" a few months ago that I had a crush on him when I first met him, but not that I am "in love" with him. I've been thinking about telling him that, because I think if I do, he'll be sweet and kind about it, but I'll end up getting a reality check that I think I really need. However, I haven't come clean yet, since I'm trying to deal with these feelings on my own, first, and worried that he might not want to be friends anymore if he thinks that it is damaging my already wounded marriage. Also, don't want to creep him out, even though I just met his best friend of 22 yrs from his hometown, who came up to visit him last weekend, and I can tell she's in love with him, too! Maybe they get used to it? I'm actually thankful that he is finally starting to date again- hasn't gone out with anyone since November. Made me wonder if he was waiting to see how my marriage was going to work out (he knows the challenges we are having, and I had been talking about divorce or separation). Now, at least I know he's not waiting for me. Duh! He knows, anyway, that I'm going to do whatever I can to work things out with my hubby, but that I also won't go on forever this way, either. We have been lovers in a past life, and I felt this right away. I think he feels it too, but I know he is confused by his feelings and he's just not into women. I just love him so much, I want him to be happy and feel blessed just to know him, again. So, you're not the only one. At least you're not married! Sigh... "Another Grace" KnottyGrrl Link to post Share on other sites
Author mishy Posted April 14, 2005 Author Share Posted April 14, 2005 Dear Grace (!!!) Yes , at the start of my friendship with him and after we first kissed and after i told him i'm in love with him i questioned how could i feel so strongly when intellectually I KNOW he's gay. And i came up with the same idea as you. It was a feeling that we had had a past relationship- maybe lovers I don't know - but I'm really strongly intuitive- it just made sense to me. But you are the first person I've told that to!! And like you, i really needed a reality check if we were going to stay friends- and that reality check is coming over tomorrow night for drinks!!!and then we are going to a party. I'm just going to stay cool, but i know my friend will be nervous about me meeting his boyfriend. Its a nice fantasy isn't ? thinking that these gay men would be perfect fo us. But the thing I've always tried to tell myself is this- The fact that he is gay IS part of his personality. And its his personality which made us fall in love. -Take the same person and make him heterosexual ie change brain chemicals whatever- and make him straight- then really he might be complete jerk . He might not be the person we fell in love with. In other words if he was straight he might not have the same qualities which made us fall in love in the first place. I have found this thought really helps me. Its their sensitive side which is so attractive. And their ability to sort out problems. During these whole ordeal he was always the first one to say "Can we talk about it?" So, for me , being in love with him has been a real test of our friendship. After he started seeing this guy i told him AGAIN that i was in love with him as a last ditch attempt and one of the things he said was "I want to be friends with you til we die" I risked freaking him out - and maybe you should take that risk- I mean I have nothing to regret in telling him. At least I put it out there- and I am not left wondering. I don't want to be wondering when I'm 96 on what might have been if I had had the guts to tell him. But the fact that you are married is another risk factor. Link to post Share on other sites
KnottyGrrl Posted April 15, 2005 Share Posted April 15, 2005 Mishy- I am so glad I found this forum, because part of me has felt so isolated in the situation I am in. Thanks for sharing your story, as it has really helped me not feel so alone, and weird! I bet that you and your GF (gay friend) have had past lives together. That is the ONLY thing that makes ANY sense in my case, because like I said, it is just not like me to just fall in love with some stranger after talking to him once. God, I remember that I could not hardly sleep at all the night of the day we met. He has been on my mind and in my heart ever since! Luckily, I am studying karmic astrology, learning about past lives and how to figure out from astrology charts what we are here to do, where we have been, and why other people are in our lives. My GF is also a tarot card reader, and it's so funny that in almost all of the readings he gave me for the first 5-6 months had the 3 of swords, which has a picture of a heart with 3 swords driven through it, bleeding- otherwise known as the "broken heart card". He thought that it was for an ex of mine, but it was for him all this time. My broken heart because he is gay and I am a woman and we can only be friends in this life. Since I told him that I had been attracted to him when we met, that card stopped appearing in my readings. Wonder if he ever figured it out? God, he is just INCREDIBLE- smart, eloquent, psychic, cute, sensitive, kind... Perfect! Yes, what a fantasy!!! Sigh... Let us know how it goes, meeting your GF's new boyfriend. I just got done talking to mine about a new guy he likes. It is a very good reality check for me, plus I feel like whatever I can do to help him will be a constructive way for me to express the profound feelings that I feel for him. "If he's happy, I'm happy" kind of thing, and I love him so much I do want him to be happy and would never want him to change. I agree with you, that we fell in love with them just the way they are- gay and all. If they changed, they wouldn't be them. Since WE can't change into men in this life, well, we'll just have to live with it. I figure that we'll be able to be with them again, on the other side and in other lives, as we often reincarnate with the same groups of people over and over again (called "soul groups") to help each other learn lessons, spiritually. Also, it is those souls that we are the closest to who we have the hardest contracts with- our family, those we marry and have partnerships with, and our dearest friends (and sometimes even our worst enemies!). It's all about being in Earth School. So, look at it this way- we must have one hell of a tight bond with our GF's to feel the way we do about them. I know that mine has woken my A$$ UP, emotionally. I was so numbed out in my marriage, willing to settle, and content to stay that way for the rest of my life, before I was lucky enough to meet him. My whole outlook on life has changed, for the better, and if you look back at where you were before you met him, I bet yours has changed too. It is a bittersweet blessing indeed. Keep us posted! KnottyGrrl PS- I think that I will be telling him how I feel soon, and that I just have to wait for the right time, intuitively. I'll be able to feel when that is- but the waiting is sweet torture. At least I know I'm alive, now! Divine Timing... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mishy Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 dear Knottygrrl and everyone else thought I'd let you know what ended up happening I met the boyfriend and when I saw him with my gay friend that i am in love with it all melted away!! I saw them kiss and they were calling each other sweety and that sort of thing and i found it kind of off putting that a guy i'm attracted to is attracted to men. I'd never actually seen him with a man before. I have a lot of gay friends and it wasn't homophobia or anything , it just REALLY turned me off him. Just like that. It was actually seeing him them that did the trick. I have to say that two gay guys kissing hasn't ever had that effect on me before. I wasn't even jealous. And like someone said before, i sort of started seeing him as femaleish. Its hard to explain. And now our friendship is stronger than ever. And i have to say that its due to some of the comments that were made to me on this forum (i made a post in another section as well) that helped me get over this. This is an amazing website. Thanks ps i keep thinking about what you said about past lives, everytime we are together i think about it Link to post Share on other sites
janie105 Posted May 10, 2005 Share Posted May 10, 2005 Mishy and Knotty Grrl, Thanks, both of you, for your candidness about this subject. I've recently found myself falling for my gay friend (knowing full well that he is gay), & the horrible feeling of unrequited love is just overwhelming. Thanks to you 2, I know that I'm really not alone & there is hope of recovery. He doesn't have a boyfriend, so it's not like I can just meet the boyfriend & get over my friend in that way. I look forward to the day when I can tell him the truth about how I feel about him without feeling that I would desire reciprocation. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Author mishy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Share Posted May 10, 2005 the thing is - as long as you keep desiring him you are ALWAYS going to want reciprocation- find him a boyfriend and quick smart!! I know how you feel- its yucky... but i got over it and we have moved beyond it. Just don't feed your feelings with false hope. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlyjones Posted May 10, 2005 Share Posted May 10, 2005 Its not something you really even have a choice at. You just cant make a dog into a cat. Gay people are just that. Gay people. Born that way. Link to post Share on other sites
janie105 Posted May 10, 2005 Share Posted May 10, 2005 mishy, you're right, I do feel completely yucky It's just that when we became friends, he had all the appearances of a straight guy so I fell for him before I knew. which makes it all the worse. Finding him a boyfriend will be difficult- he's kind of picky (because he isn't like "apparently" gay, so he also likes gay guys who aren't "apparent") But I suppose I'll have to try... you're right, that probably IS the only way I'll get over him, to see him in love with someone else Link to post Share on other sites
janie105 Posted May 10, 2005 Share Posted May 10, 2005 still new to this, and tried to delete this post, but couldn't! sorry for taking up space! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mishy Posted May 10, 2005 Author Share Posted May 10, 2005 me and my gay friends boyfriend ended up really hitting it off and now my friend is really confused!! ha ha ha Link to post Share on other sites
Author mishy Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 its a real shock when you see them with someone else and it basically shocks you out of it ( although it took me about three months) and who am i kidding, i'm not really "over it" its just no where near as bad as it was. Another few months and i think i'll be fully recovered. I don't know how long you've known him for but just try and be interested in someone else because you will get no where with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mishy Posted May 11, 2005 Author Share Posted May 11, 2005 its a real shock when you see them with someone else and it basically shocks you out of it ( although it took me about three months) and who am i kidding, i'm not really "over it" its just no where near as bad as it was. Another few months and i think i'll be fully recovered. I don't know how long you've known him for but just try and be interested in someone else because you will get no where with him. Link to post Share on other sites
janie105 Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 I've known him for a few weeks, and it bothers me a lot since I see him often (a classmate of mine). you're probably right though, I'll just have to get interested in someone else, kind of a silly reason to get interested in another person, only to get over another person. i wonder if it'll be fair to the other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
thumper121267 Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Moving on is the hardest thing...my situation is somewhat different than ya'lls. My gay best friend was once my husband...we were married for nine years and about 4 years in I started thinking that something was definitely wrong.. He never cheated on me nor I on him..we took our marriage vows very seriously but I knew he wasn't happy and neither was I...Then he met a guy named Brian, who is straight and they became very good friends, but watching my husband with Brian I knew that we couldn't stay married, he was like a little girl with a crush...I knew I had to let him go to discover this part of himself...and so 2 or so months after we spilt he came out to me...I have always been supportive and encouraged his life style...I moved to another state about a year later..we kept in contact and I knew he had lovers etc... Well two years later he decides he wants to move out to where I am...it is set up he will share the apartment with two mutual friends of ours (who happen to be a gay couple)...but money runs short and he ends up moving in with me and my family...(I am currently going to school and saving money living in the garage apartment at my mom's), it is so strange to have him around again, old memories etc...I know that we will never get back together..obviously...and we do very much have a "Will & Grace" relationship...but there are times when I get extremely jealous, not that he sees people, it is more I just wish he could have been that open, sexually fun person with me...there were a lot of nights of crying and feeling less than nothing when we were married and I guess this is just bringing back those old feelings...we are close enough where we can talk about it and he is so sweet, and says that I am still special to him and that he still loves me, he just can't give what I need..and I do understand this..it is just learning to cope with being in each-other's everyday lives again...many people have told me that we need distance from each-other..and I understand this and agree...we have our own friends and do spend time apart..and right now we can't change our living situation... He is totally my best friend and I do agree with one of the other posting that we do have people in our lives that we had been around in past ones..Rich and I do believe we are soul-mates...it just in this life we are not meant to be together...and at times this is a little hard to take...because in all other areas we are so compatible...but my advice is to take one day at a time..make other friends and do date...it gets easier...or so I keep telling myself... thanks, Bambi Link to post Share on other sites
KnottyGrrl Posted May 11, 2005 Share Posted May 11, 2005 Mishy- It's so cool that meeting your GF's (gay friend's) boyfriend not only helped, but strengthened your friendship and also that you hit it off so well with the boyfriend, too. I bet your GF is a bit confused, but sounds like in a good way. Janie- I wish you luck with your GF. You've at least got time on your side, since you've only known him for a few weeks instead of months or years of letting your feelings for him deepen and fantasizing about the impossible. The sooner the reality check, the better, in my opinion! You can't "change" him, and you can't really change how you feel except through how you think about your situation. This forum has helped me get over the painful intensity of my feelings for my GF- they are still there, but not like they were before. Thank goodness we know that we aren't alone. That helps a lot! Thumper- Wow. That would be tough, having been married to and now currently living with your GBF! I don't know if I could handle that, but distance sounds like the best thing you can do right now in that situation until you two can get separate places. Hang in there. And, thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. Part of the reason being in love with a gay guy feels so yucky (besides the fact that it is doomed to be an unrequited love) is that we have felt so alone. At least now, those of us who have posted on or read this forum know that we are not. That has really helped me realize that I shouldn't feel so ashamed about my feelings. Feelings are feelings! We can't really change the way we feel. We can be in denial. We can repress them. But, we can't really make ourselves feel differently, at least not in a direct way. If we could, we wouldn't be feeling so bad!!! Changing the way we think about ourselves and ourselves feelings, however, makes all the difference. Ironically, watching Will and Grace and imagining me and my GF in those roles really has helped me, since I haven't gotten to meet any of his boyfriends since he travels a lot and they are all out of town! Isn't life funny, in a sick and twisted way? I also believe in soulmates who we are NOT meant to be with in this life. Finding a soulmate does not usually end up in "happily ever after" but ALWAYS ends up teaching us a HUGE life lesson- like learning how to love another without attachment or possession, or learning how to honor, respect, and love ourselves. These are not easy lessons to learn, and there is most definitely a past life, karmic connection and an immense unconditional spiritual love between us and our soulmates in this life. How else would we agree to play such painful roles with each other? HINT: it's not just the universe's idea of a cruel joke, even though it feels that way, sometime. For more info, search the net for "soul contract" "spiritual soulmate" and "karmic relationship". Peace, Knotty Grrl Link to post Share on other sites
janie105 Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 Thanks for all of your stories, everyone. It really does help a lot to know that I'm not alone (it's hard to talk about this with my friends, because they think I'm crazy or just stupid to fall for a gay guy) Can I really continue to be friends with him and spend time with him knowing that somehow I still want more from him? I mean, we're friends, so of course we do friend things, but where do I draw the line? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mishy Posted May 12, 2005 Author Share Posted May 12, 2005 janie, even though you've only known him for a few weeks it can escalate really quickly with these gay guys- some of them have magnetic pull. Some of the stuff written below is really about what could happen to you if you don't chuck some cold water on it now. for ages and ages i thought i could continue spending time with him and kind of push down the feelings- because i thought that the friendship was not worth messing with. He knew for most of the time that i had these feelings, but it didn't come up a lot. At one point i decided just to ignore my feelings- however at the same time it was affecting me every time i was with him. I wanted him the whole time and i'd always be looking for signs that "he's not really gay''. And i'm sure you are doing the same thing because you sound exactly like me. If you spend heaps of time together you kind of become like a couple except that you are not having sex. But even then you are emotionally involved to the point where he kind of IS your imaginary boyfriend. You need to draw the line at this. If he is the person that you see more than any one else- than any of your other friends then he has become your "imaginary boyfriend". When he meets a guy you'll be automatically tossed aside- and its just like been dumped. Moral of the story- Being dumped by an imaginary boyfriend is just as bad as being dumped by a real one Let me know what happens mishy Link to post Share on other sites
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