Why do I still want my ex back?

[teenyfish]

My ex is a jerk. He either physically or emotionally cheated on me or both. He was a wonderful boyfriend for 2.5 years, and then over the last 6 months changed due to a "booming career" in entertainment. He is not right for me. We broke up semi-mutually so he can go off and do his career without me dragging him down. I was getting very jealous over women that he "had to flirt with" for his career. What a load of crap.

 

I still love him. It's only been a month since the break up and I have been NC the whole time. I still fantasize about getting back together even though I know he is a jerk and I am SO much better off without him. He left me telling me that I was the love of his life and he still thinks he's going to marry me. He kept saying he's going to find me in a few years when we're in better places and we can be together then. I ate it up, but now I feel like a fool. I have been moving on slowly but can't shake this awful feeling of wanting him back even though logically I know that's ridiculous.

 

How long did it take you guys to accept that it was really over and for the best and not want them back? My head and heart are in a war right now.

[Conviction]

I was in your exact shoes for 2.5 years. I wont bore you with the details, but basically after that 2.5 years of torturing myself, she finally came back, only to be reminded of why we broke up and have since parted our ways yet again.

 

I'll repeat that, 2.5 YEARS I tortured myself pining for her, when I should have been moving on. Despite what my family told me, despite what colleagues told me, despite what this forum told me, I still believed she was the "one". I should've listened to everybody.

 

What your doing is understandable, you're remembering the good in the relationship (every person has good qualities) but your mind is hiding the bad, but trust me, if you were to get back together with him, you'd soon be faced with why it ended the first go around. It's ok to love someone, I'll probably love my ex for the rest of my life because much like you and your ex, they played a large part in our lives for some time, but that doesn't equate to a functioning, healthy relationship.

 

Learn from my mistake and do me a favor, move the hell on and don't look back!! Don't torture yourself like I did.

[Satu]

"Why do I still want my ex back?"

 

 

Because you haven't yet realised that you deserve something/someone much better.

[Darkeyy]

It's only been a month, take your time to grieve and go through your emotions. But don't just sit at home every day, try to do something with your time!

School,work,hobby,games,gym? - For me i started the gym and i'm really happy i did! it's a great feeling and i'm going for the full 100% and in return i get an hour and half every other day where my mind is completly free.

Find something to keep yourself busy (even if it's only an hour a day) it will help more and more!

 

Someone on LS said something to me that opened my eyes quite a bit. i'm rephrasing it but it's essentially the same questions.

"Would you be able to trust him again when you know he cheated?

Could you still be with him after you know what he did to you?

Can you love him when he broke your trust/feelings/relationship?"

 

You say you're full NC for a month, KEEP THAT UP! It will get easier.

But some days will be harder..just post here and vent, every person here is really helpful - if you haven't done so, delete his number from your phone so you can't text him at all.

 

He had a choice. He made it and it was the wrong one. He clearly isn't worth your time so don't give it to him.

 

 

The best revenge is succes. And your success will come from moving on.

[azaleigha]

You were together for a good amount of time; you need to give yourself the space to grieve that for a while. Those feelings aren't just going to go away easily, so be kind and gentle with yourself as you work though it. I'm really sorry that things worked out with him the way they did - that's a tough thing to go through. You do deserve someone who is going to treat you well and with respect. But it's perfectly normal to be feeling sad about the loss of that relationship still. Let yourself feel the way you need to feel, and eventually you'll be at the point where you can truly move on. Have you thought about talking to someone about this, if you think that you're not able to let go? There's nothing wrong with seeking out a counselor or someone like that to help you deal with this transition. Do you have supportive family/friends around you to help you through this? I hope that soon you're able to find peace about where you are, and eventually open yourself up to new potential opportunities. Hang in there, teenyfish. It will get better.

[Trinity_84]

"Why do I still want my ex back?"

 

 

Because you haven't yet realised that you deserve something/someone much better.

 

I get the logic behind this argument, if your ex was the evil dumper and you the sad dumpee.

 

But what if your ex was really a great person and *you* were the one who f'ed things up by breaking up with them? Do you still deserve someone better, even though they were the "best" you ever had and an honestly good person? (not to imply than anyone is perfect, just trying to see it from a different perspective).

 

Just curious.

[Satu]

I get the logic behind this argument, if your ex was the evil dumper and you the sad dumpee.

 

But what if your ex was really a great person and *you* were the one who f'ed things up by breaking up with them? Do you still deserve someone better, even though they were the "best" you ever had and an honestly good person? (not to imply than anyone is perfect, just trying to see it from a different perspective).

 

Just curious.

 

My comment was about this specific case.

 

As regards your scenario, you tell me?

[teenyfish]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I know it takes some time, but my mind is so over the way I was treated but every other part of me is still wishing we were together. It will take some time for the rest of me to catch up I guess.

 

I have wonderful support in the form of family and friends, and I am seeing someone for therapy - I've always had pretty bad anxiety so this has made it worse. I keep reminding myself that I am worth so much more, because although I wasn't perfect in our relationship, I always treated him with respect. To get past this betrayal and rejection is really difficult. Especially because I imagine him being so excited about and wrapped up in the other woman, even though I have no idea what's going on there (and don't want to know). 4.5 weeks NC and going strong. I have no urges to contact him at all, and the desire to hear from him is slowly going down.

 

Unfortunately I just need to wait it out I guess. I think I'm more upset over the cheating and lying than actually losing him. I don't understand how people can do that with a conscience, especially to someone you've shared your life with for 3 years. I always thought he was a good person, but maybe not.

[juniorrocha]

teenyfish, I was reading in some place that when you break up, you go through 4 stages:

 

1. You think where you went wrong, what you could've done better, that you're unloveable, etc;

2. You keep thinking about his/her positive sides. In your head, your ex is a lot better than they truly are, what gives you that expectation to work things out somehow;

3. Now you start to think about the bad sides and how heavy they are; you no longer think your ex was the best for you at all. You don't want to go back to that relationship;

4. You move on.

 

Each person will take a different time on these, but it helps to know that it does get better. We feel like it never will, just a few days ago I was feeling like that and was making excuses in my mind to contact my ex, then I remembered about all the sht she put me through and I accepted it's over. Once you can do that, you'll feel SO free. I'm currently at stage 3, even though it's been 2 weeks only since the break up. Working out, eating more healthy, working on my projects and myself certainly helped A LOT!

 

Take your time, but keep in mind you'll forget him. It's very relieving when you no longer feel like you need your ex.

[teenyfish]

I'm between 2 and 3 right now I think and it's been a month out. I'm still so in love with him, but know that what we want in life was different and his personality and lifestyle opens him up to cheating so much more than I originally thought. As much as I desire his company we would never work out, and I would never trust him. He's a broken person trying to find his place in the world. This is so hard, but I'm happy he was tested now, instead of years down the line when we may have been engaged or married.