First break up post divorce, whirlwind romance

[luluv13]

So, here I am 4 months since my break up from a very intense 5 month relationship and I am still pretty miserable. However, my thought process has moved from what happened to the relationship to WHY in the hell I am still so upset and longing for my ex this far out of such a short relationship.

 

A little history:

I was with my ex husband since I was 19 (34 now). Divorced for a year and separated for a year before that. I waited a full year and a half before I started dating and I felt in a good place. In August of last year, I started online dating, met a wonderful man and got involved in what became a very passionate, intense relationship. At first, I was very hesitant with letting my guard down and "falling" because my ex lied and hurt me a lot over the years and I had very little experience dating. My boyfriend was the opposite of me. He was a bachelor (38), many girlfriends, lots of experience. He went in like it was his mission to show me I could trust him and rely on him. However, the short story was that he admitted in the beginning to possibly having a commitment issue (as it was something I was picking up on and was concerned about) but he went into the relationship SO passionately and whole-heartedly that I stupidly thought I was different. He took me on a vacation to meet his parents, something he had never done with any other girlfriends (he even wanted me to bring my 5 year old daughter), talked about buying a house here (when originally he had plan to move away), gave me a key, etc. He immersed himself in my life and pressured me to be involved in "family" type things with my daughter. He appeared to be all-in so I eventually let myself fall for him and trust him because he is a very honest and reliable person. Well, the first argument we had got blown way out of proportion and he ended up not talking to me for 3 weeks after we broke up that night. We have slept together once since and talked a handful of times. I won't go into more details than that but it was all very devastating for me and according to him it was for him as well.

 

I am wracking my brain as to why this has been so hard. He was an amazing guy. He was successful, so very smart, good-looking, kind etc. However, he definitely wasn't perfect because on the flip side he was rigid, often cold, inflexible, set in his ways from being alone for so long and very selfish. I know this and I know that those qualities would eventually have been a problem for me and our relationship. So, all that to say, I'm thinking my grief over all of this is not just about him.

 

I'm starting to think that this relationship made all those hurt feelings and devastation from my divorce rear back up and take hold in a very raw way. Divorces are so complicated. Custody, money, property, etc. I was just trying to survive during those two years. I was devastated but I made it through for myself and mostly for my daughter. So much was going on, so so many changes, fears, and dashed dreams.

With this break up from my ex boyfriend though, there was nothing else to focus on. Just the total loss of love and comfort (maybe also dashed fairytale I had in my head). My ex-boyfriend made me feel so sexy. He made me feel sweet, kind, and like a good mother all by the way he saw me. The sex was amazing and for the first time in my life, I had a real intimate connection with a man. Sadly, never in my marriage had I experienced that. My ex boyfriend was the complete opposite from my ex husband. He was responsible, reasonable, honest, and had integrity. He provided me with everything I had been missing during my marriage and since. So, when that was gone, it was such a huge loss for me. I had this huge void in my heart that he had managed to fill. I'm seeing now though that I should have never gotten into such a serious (even though it was short) relationship with that void to begin with. I should have been a whole person (whatever that really means) and then this loss wouldn't be as hard as it is.

So how do I become "whole"? I mean, I guess I was with my ex husband for so long that when we divorced, I lost part of my identity. I definitely lost many many of the interests that I had when I was a married, stay at home mom. My whole world flipped and now it's flipped again after this break up. I would go so far to say that this may possibly have been more difficult than my divorce in some ways.

 

 

Thoughts? Anyone else have an unreasonably bad first break-up post divorce?

 

Suggestions, advice, support to help me get past this???? I have such a difficult time letting go. I am desperate to be done with this grieving and missing him. I just don't know what to do next. I've given it time and that doesn't seem to be working. I'm "working on me", working out, seeing friends, dating. I'm a pretty good looking woman, educated, etc so I don't have trouble getting dates. I've been getting out there but I have literally cried on my way home from just about every date because I miss my ex. I've dismissed multiple good, kind, successful men because I just can't get into it. I am starting a new job and it is taking everything I have not to contact him to "catch up". I know he won't deny seeing me but I also know that there's nothing there for me but more pain. This sucks SO SO much as I am sure all of you are all to aware from your own situations.