Struggling

[wareagle3]

You can read my story in Friends and Lovers.. I'm struggling.. Trying to keep myself busy, took my dog for a walk, and that seems to help some.. Feel like I could use a good cry.. I think I seen her drive past my house today? Wanting to text her so bad.. Did manage to eat breakfast this morning, so that's a plus.. I catch myself breaking my neck everytime someone drives by.. Got to stop that..

[Satu]

Hang on in there. It will get easier.

 

From my journal:

 

 

Generally speaking, when someone is obsessing about their ex, that preoccupation causes the person to neglect themselves.

 

Are you eating healthily?

 

Are you drinking enough water?

 

Are you exercising?

 

Are you getting enough rest?

 

Are you spending time with other people? Family, and friends?

 

Are you getting out of the house enough?

 

Are you avoiding drugs and alcohol?

 

Are you doing fun stuff, just for enjoyment?

 

Are you keeping up with your responsibilities?

 

 

Those are the things you need to do before you do anything else.

 

 

Take care.

[preraph]

You need to make a "refocus" plan involving your friends and family and even just your own self and start penciling in activities to get you out of the house and focus on something else, and the sooner the better. Use the activity time to NOT talk about her. Give yourself a break from it. You can always devote a few minutes to running it over in your mind in the morning or at night. but do NOT let this make you into a dazed zombie, I beg you. Seriously, make a plan, reach out to friends. Don't tell them it's about the breakup. Don't even talk about it more than to say "It's over. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to have a good time today." Then do it.

Good luck.

[SixxChick]

... but do NOT let this make you into a dazed zombie, I beg you. Seriously, make a plan, reach out to friends. Don't tell them it's about the breakup. Don't even talk about it more than to say "It's over. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to have a good time today." Then do it.

Good luck.

 

Love this!

[wareagle3]

Thanks all for the advice.. I do need to refocus on myself, but all I do is think about what's she doing? What's going through her head? Is she smiling, crying..

I asked her this morning how she was doing because she looked like she was having a rough day.. I'm also wondering why she hasn't tried to contact me and see how I'm doing??

[burnt]

Hi eagle,

Just read your original thread. So sorry for what you have been going through.

 

So you are 44 and you've had feelings for her since you were 26? And all these years, on and off, holding onto secret emotions for her, only to finally after so many many years, you open up only to be turned down.

 

Have you had other relationships during this period of 18 years? Or were you single the whole time while harboring feelings for her quietly?

Either way you look at it 18 years is a very LONG time to keep that sort of an emotion locked up inside.

 

To add to that, you're just beginning to see her for who she really is:

1. she was seeing a man 20 years senior?!? That's … a bit off.

2. She got married only after she threatened this man that she'd leave. Hmmm.

3. Then she carries out an affair with another married man? Hmmm.

 

It says a lot about her. But more importantly, if you weren't in shock and pain right now, I would be worried.

 

What you are dealing with is a very very heavy bundle of mess.

To have held so much inside for so long only to find out not only that she doesn't feel the same way for you, but also that she's got such troubled baggage herself is huge blow to your psyche to say the least.

 

So be gentle with yourself. What you are feeling is very expected and normal. This pain you are feeling is a necessary experience for you go through to heal properly. Allow it time. But you WILL get through it.

 

For now, while you cannot completely cut off contact with her since you work with her, but you must avoid any and all unnecessary contacts with her. You need to move on from her.

 

You have wasted many years of your life on her already. Now it's time to focus on yourself.

[wareagle3]

Thank you burnt. I have had a couple relationships within the last eight years.. Eight years ago I was engaged to a very manipulating mean spirited woman, much younger than me.. Needless to say she ended it and was stepping out with someone else.. I lost a lot of who I was in that relationship.. I think I have been content after healing with being single. It was actually this forum that helped me through it all..

Why do I feel like I'm letting her down as a friend by not being there for her when she needs it the most??

[burnt]

I lost a lot of who I was in that relationship..

 

It's such a sad reality that after you invest so much of yourself into a relationship that goes wrong, you never really get that innocent part of you back again--not fully, not completely.

 

Why do I feel like I'm letting her down as a friend by not being there for her when she needs it the most??

 

As noble as your intentions may be, you are in more of a dire need than she is. She was the one smiling while she was chatting with the married man--remember. And you are the one describing yourself as "torn" and "struggling". So it's nice that you want to be there for her, but you need to be there for yourself FIRST. It's a lot you have on your plate, especial now that you have mentioned of the other heartbreaks on top of everything else involving this friend of yours.

 

So, like the others have said--you have to refocus--on yourself.

Staying in contact with her will only add to your suffering. You cannot help the person who is actually the source of your pain.

[wareagle3]

Thank you all for putting it in perspective for me... It's going to be tough, but this is something I have to do for me.. I'm scheduled too see a therapist on the 31st I'm hoping she can help me... One more thing, does anyone have any suggestions on how I react or what I say when or if she approaches me and asks what's going on...